Hey robots, I'm Excremento, but you cool and old skool Dtoiders know that already, this is merely for the N00BS. I've been a videogamer for as long as I can remember. I have well over 27 years of video game experience that I rely on daily, and a near encyclopedic memory of gaming starting with the Commodore 64 and ending with whatever is the current hotness.
I've got my own blog at MediaWhoreNetwork that I try to write on when I'm not too busy...and just recently have decided to come back to do a few Community Blogs here on Dtoid now that most failbloggers don't exist anymore. I'm still here fellas (and ladies) updating as often as I can for all of your enjoyment.
Any of you out there who wish to chat it up with ol Ex can do so at:
ME: Hi my name is Chris and Iím an addict. I collect videogames.
ALL OF YOU: Hi Chris.
ME: Iíve had this habit for the last 20 years of my life and donít see any signs that this will ever go away. I sometimes find myself doing things I wouldnít normally do just to get a fix. I just need to feel that rush of buying a new game. Sometimes I donít really pay attention when I am in this state and end up buying a game that makes Baby Jesus cry. The worst part is, I will play said game to the bitter end, keep it, and usually defend it. I feel like I needed help so I came here.
THERAPIST: Well, Chris youíve come to the right place, we can help you. But what we feel would get the ball rolling in the right direction to your video game sobriety would be to list the games that you own that are what others might call or you yourself deem ďShittyĒ in a descending order from least shitty to most shitty, maybe we can all help you.
ME: Ok, I guess I can do thatÖyou said descending order right? Well ok, if you think itíll help, here goes.
Number 10: Psychic Force 2012 - DC
Oh you bastard, I found you winking at me on the Used shelf at an un-named Gamecock. I remember almost picking up your brother from the PSOne at Babbageís, but instead got Castlevania: SOTN (great game, get it!). I thought youíd be worth it for the 12 bucks I spent on you, but you were utter garbage. A steaming pile of dog feces on a piece of toast is what you were. How dare you call yourself a fighting game series!
Number 9: Unlimited Saga Ė PS2
You cost me a $20 bill that I will never see ever again, you bastard. You make me use a ďreelĒ system to conduct combat? When exploring you look like a 2D boardgame! Man, I hear it might be worth it to give you another try, but damnit you sit on my shelf with an inch of dust collecting on top of you and you expect me to be happy to own you? For shame Square!!!
Number 8: Jurassic Park - SNES
You were my favorite movie when I was just about to hit my teen years. Hell I wanted to be a paleontologist thanks to you Michael Crichton! Then you start selling everything that you could slap the JP logo on. Made by my good friends at Ocean (known for their many many licensed movie games), you my friend are an anti-Semite. Thatís right you are responsible for the Holocaust, which is an amazing feat considering you came decades after Auschwitz. Dick!
Number 7: A Boy and His Blob - NES
Fuck this game, I donít care if anyone out there wants to get on their knees and suck the gelatinous wang of this doughy little prick, but you can count me out. Playing you is equivalent to getting VD, thatís right this game will give you Venereal Disease, donít ask how. It just will. I remember playing you for hours and hours, not making any leeway at all until Nintendo Power made me a map and told me how to beat you. I did, but never again. I keep you in my collection just to spite someone out there who might want a copy of you.
Number 6: Evil Zone - PSX
Eretsuvaju, that was your name in JapanÖwhere you should have stayed. You were a fighting game that my dog could have played. There is no depth to your combat. The characters are more retarded than those in Psychic Force. Your only redeeming factor is your anime cutscenes, but you managed to fuck those up with your ass to mouth sounding American Voiceovers. Not to mention that some moves took 20 seconds or more to finish their animations, this is not acceptable for a fighting game! Now, I wish I would have just resisted the temptation of buying you, just like Judas should have resisted giving up Jesus. Yes buying this game was akin to selling Christ down the river! You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!
Number 5: The Bouncer - PS2
You make me want to puke Sion, you look like a grown up Sora from Kingdom Hearts. I didnít care about you or any of the other characters. Square, when will you realize that you canít sell a game with graphics alone. This was supposed to be the be all end all of Beat Ďem up games, instead it appeared as a limp version of Streets of Rage with better graphics. Shit, Streets of Rage had better gameplay than you! I fart in your general direction!
Number 4: Fade to Black - PSX
Never had I ever had the urge to throw a game away, ever. The 3D engine and gameplay present in this game single-handedly made Delphine go out of business. You couldnít even match up to the original Flashback on the SNES. Taking a big pile of doo-doo and smearing it on the Mona Lisa looks and probably has better control than you ever did. Damn I feel my blood pressure rising thinking of you. I need to take a breakÖ
Number 3: Ultraman - SNES
Ultraman, you my friend, were a real let down. Yes you sounded like the show, but you didnít look like it at all. Even Screw Attack says you were number 2 on the worst fighting games list. Could I even call you a fighting game? Nope, you were an abortion who continued to live. The coat hanger missed you in the womb Ultraman. How dare you disgrace your namesake with this game! I was only a kid trying to save up for a decent game and you took my money, shot my mom and dad, and poured sugar in my parents gas tank while anally raping Santa Claus.
Number 2: Blasto - PSX
Iíll be slightly nice about this one because it had the voice acting (thatís all it brought) of one of Americaís best voice actors, Phil Hartman. You didnít have to kill him by making this game SCEA, but you did and put the smoking gun into his wifeís hands. This game was a monumental letdown for me. You looked so damn cool, until my looking around causes me to fall off the platform Iím on, why did the developers make Phil Hartman die? He was supposed to be the voice of Zapp Brannigan in Futurama!
Number 1: Festerís Quest
Simplest thing I can say isÖFUCK THIS GAME. Iíve never had a game that:
1. Never made any kind of sense, like why the Addams Family got kidnapped by aliens.
2. Recycled all of the sound effects from other Sunsoft games, like Blaster Master.
3. Punished the player by giving them one life and made them restart from the VERY BEGINNING of the Goddamn game for dying. No continues, no Retry, nothing! Just a swift boot back to the beginning of the very first level with no weapons, nothing!!!
I saw this game kicking a bag of kittens while pissing on a Bible, the whole time drawing a picture of Mohammed wearing a salmon helmet. This game had to be the cause of 9/11, we all know that it takes years for games to be localized in certain countries. My guess is this game made it to Saudi Arabia in August of 2001. This game belongs in the cesspool that E.T. and Custerís Revenge are part ofÖI wish nothing more than for this game to just go to hell!
Iím pretty sure that there are games on this list that youíve got in your collection too. Some of you out there may want nothing more than to get home and fap fap fap fap about your great memories of a game listed above. I am listing these only because I hate the fact that I own them and canít bring myself to rid them from my collection. I hope that this top ten made you laugh at least a little.
Are there any games that you own that you wish you didnít? Any of you have a top ten idea for me? Iíd be more than happy to indulge. Thanks again for reading everyone.