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8:59 AM on 08.27.2012

[NVGR] Comic Book Review: Batman Earth One

Yes, a comic review. I decided that my not playing games much anymore makes it a bit difficult for me to blog about playing games. This is only temporary. I'm going to attempt to play something on my Xbox 360 tonight and will try to report back on how it went and all that jazz. Maybe I'll even get deep on you fuckers and blow your minds with some philosophical bullshit about growing older and other "mature" and "serious" topics. Totally going to do that.

Anyway, onto the Comic Book Review bitches!

Batman: Earth One

Written By: Geoff Johns

Pencils by: Gary Frank

I'm not a big fan of Geoff Johns. That's probably more to do with my personal tastes than his creative talents. For starters, I don't like continuing series and Johns is definitely more involved in that side of comic books than graphic novels and the like. Most ongoing stories start off great but soon become convoluted and begin to feel forced or silly. At that point the bigger publishers decide to start crossing over with other comics. At that point, everything goes to shit.

So I was definitely curious when I found out Johns was writing a Batman graphic novel. Like lots of people, Batman is my favorite super hero. I'm not going to go into why I feel that way because that should be fucking obvious to anyone who has experienced a Batman film or comic book. Clearly he is totally awesome. And Johns is a favorite writer of a lot of people out there. Naturally expectations were high for this one. Did it deliver? Was it a $300 escort or my wife? Would it wholly satisfy me or merely get me through the night without me hurting someone?

On the whole, I would say the answer is a resounding yes. It features another new take on the classic Batman origin story. As usual Bruce Wayne's parents are killed and he vows revenge. The differences aren't too drastic with the exception of the use of Alfred, usually Bruce's loyal butler. All I'll say is that he is not a butler. It's a bit jarring to see what they've done to him in this version of the story and takes a little getting used to, but it works out in the end. Unlike my marriage. Just kidding! Or am I?

Beyond that, I'll say that this is Batman is a bit different than the one we usually see. His equipment is pretty shitty because he made it himself, although he gets some assistance in that department from a familiar face. This Batman also gets his ass kicked a few times throughout the book, being that he's just one man against many in most situations. In real life people usually get their ass whooped when it's 3 on 1 or worse. It's a nice change of pace compared to all of the ongoing Batman series out there right now. I wish I could say the same about my sex life. That definitely needs a change of pace.

As for the writing itself, the dialogue is snappy and interesting and the use of classic and new characters in interesting and different ways is a definite positive.

The artwork is done by a bunch of guys you can easily look up for yourself with Google power. As with the story, the art uses a somewhat realistic look but it's also very colorful at times. I thought it was a nice mix of old and new, which seems to be a running theme throughout this book.

I would definitely recommend you pick this fucker up if you're into Batman and looking for something high quality and recent. It's the second book in the Earth One line of graphic novels, the first being a lame ass Superman book. That one had better artwork than this one, but it's story was corny and way too Sci-Fi for my tastes. No, I don't care for that "Superman is an alien so that makes him Science Fiction" bullshit some people say. I like when things are a bit more grounded. Birthright was a good series although that too got a little out of hand with it's story. Strange that Batman: Earth One is so grounded in reality when you consider that it supposedly takes place in the same universe as Superman: Earth One, which had non-kryptonian aliens and a bunch of other forced ass bullshit.

I'm sure the inevitable crossover will suck balls.

Also, cocks.   read

2:26 PM on 08.26.2012

Maybe it's just me

Confession: I barely play video games anymore. Although that hasn't stopped me from keeping current on the industry and all of it's happenings, I suppose that in the interest of so-called full disclosure I should share that information with you fine readers of my crude and disjointed blogs. I started watching TV a bit, although only one show (Game of Thrones). I've also gotten into comics over the last 3 or 4 years, spending more and more time with them over that span. And my wife and I watch more movies and spend more time together. At least when she's not playing World of Warcraft. I hate that fucking game. Besides that I just haven't been interested in a lot of the games that have come out this year. I'm excited for HD Nintendo games and just hope I'm able to nab a pre-order for the Wii-U. Maybe that will get me excited again.

I should have mentioned all that in my last blog, which I'm once again too lazy to link to. It was the one where that disgruntled community member bitched about the community and to an extent the website as a whole. I'm sure most of you saw it. A few have responded or reacted with a blog of their own. I'm now reacting, not responding, to those blogs.

Clearly I'm going to have to get over the fact that the old writers and community members are gone, probably forever in almost all cases. And clearly if I want to see Destructoid be successful, which I always wanted, I'm going to have to accept a few changes to the way things work. There's a certain way respectable publications act, and Destructoid seems to have sort of gone down that path. They're still more honest than most websites and they're clearly not letting anybody on the outside really influence them. I get it. All of it.

But that doesn't mean that my complaints are now completely invalid. From what I can tell from my daily visits the community does not seem as tight knit as it used to be, nor do I see as many regulars as I used to. I also see a hell of a lot more stupid comments than I used to. Of course I'm not as actively engaged as I used to be, so perhaps this is just me being really fucking negative in my perception of the website these days. At a glance I simply don't like what I see anymore. This place used to be filled with interesting stuff to read, regardless of the writing quality of a lot of it. People said crazy shit, they wrote in-depth stuff with a lot of depth, and they also had a lot of fucking fun.

That's all I really have to say about the community for now. I need to get to know the newer people more. That's obviously a failing of mine, not the community's or Dtoid's.

As for the website itself, my thoughts are unchanged. It's boring and I'm not a big fan of it anymore. There isn't much else to say without my getting mean and nasty and looking like a total cock-munch. Once again I'll try and blog more though there is no guarantee I actually will.   read

6:08 PM on 08.24.2012

Is it just me or has the community abandoned this website?

I've been noticing a trend around here: There are fewer and fewer comments posted on the majority of articles posted on the front page with each passing week. At least it seems that way. I haven't bothered to get scientific and actually track this shit, but it sure as hell seems like nobody has anything to say around here anymore. Getting 20 comments seems like a miracle for most of the writers not named Jim Sterling. Even Holmes doesn't seem as popular.

Has anyone else noticed this? The staff? The readers? Is there a reason for it? Are the page hits and unique visitors down or up? Has the site become more and more popular at the expense of it's community?

I don't know the answers to those questions. I just know this site still sucks. I wrote a little rant a while back complaining about the lack of personality on this site. I got a lot of comments and was assured things would get better. Guess what? They haven't! Perhaps that explains it.

Or maybe nobody cares about Tony Ponce and all his corny videos and nonsense he posts (especially that fucking "video game rapper"). Or all the other writes who are so boring I can't remember their names. At least I remember Tony's name. He's a good writer who likes corny shit. At least he likes something.

I'm not going anywhere with this. I don't have the time. Just wanted to point out how terribly boring it's gotten around here. Also, I read IGN more than I read Destructoid now. FUCKING IGN. They're boring but they bring a lot more to the table these days than Dtoid does.

I used to love it here. Not anymore. Now I feel out of place when I visit.

That is all. Goodbye for now.   read

2:08 PM on 06.30.2012

I support rape in Tomb Raider. You should too.

I don't have a lot of time at the moment so this blog is going to be short. I haven't done any real research either so shut the fuck up.

So apparently the bad guys in the newest Tomb Raider game rub Lara's (very nice) legs or something like that. While this would technically be sexual assault in most countries if the person being rubbed did not want to be rubbed, it's certainly not rape. That usually comes later.

And even if some bad guys do try to rape Lara, what's the problem? I mean, who knew bad people (criminals) who hurt, kill, and steal would also partake in a little rape from time to time? It's shocking, I know. It happens in movies and on TV shows and it happens a hell of a lot in many books. Don't like rape? Don't read A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones for those unfortunate enough to not enjoy that particular series). Or the Bible. Pretty sure there is plenty of rape there. Or how about The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? Nobody is calling Lisbeth, the main character, a girly girl or a weakling, but that bitch got raped and abused pretty bad by some creepy fat guy. She took the rape and abuse and waited until the time was right to get her revenge. Apparently when you're all dark and goth you're considered resourceful and intelligent for getting raped and then getting revenge.

Lara, on the other hand, is apparently being objectified and used for male power fantasies. Thing is, unlike Lisbeth, Lara is taking guns and spears and killing her would-be rapists before they get the chance to do anything. And you can be sure that if she does suffer any rape the player will be given the opportunity to kill the fucker that did it.

So really all I'm saying is that the people who have a problem with this game are wrong, plain and simple. It's not all gray like Jim Sterling said in his article about it. Anybody doesn't like the idea of a woman getting raped in a game or movie or book has the choice to simply not play, watch, or read about it.

Of course that doesn't really explain why they're wrong. They're wrong because rape is real life. Women get raped every day. Men get stabbed or shot or poisoned when some women take revenge. People hurt people. Men hurt women. Women hurt men. People hurt people. And animals. And children.

And these things should never not be included in a video game, whether it's to shock and surprise or to genuinely serve some sort of purpose for a given story. Movies, TV, and books are left alone. Video games should be too. You're free to disagree but you're also wrong if you do. It's called freedom. It's always right.


Feel free to use my choice of words and language (like referring to Lisbeth as a bitch) as the basis of your argument for why I'm a pig or something. That's what stupid people usually do. They find something unrelated to the issue at hand and wave it around like a retard with a balloon.   read

9:06 PM on 04.13.2012

PS Vita: Worst gift ever?

Have you ever received an expensive gift and not known what to say to the giver of said gift? I bet you have, unless you're poor or something. Usually one experiences this feeling of speechlessness due to the genuine shock and surprise they feel. I felt this way the other day, except I wasn't shocked nor surprised. I was upset.

You see, I had just received a PS Vita from my wife. She went and spent 300 American Dollars on the 3G model with it's useless AT&T data plans so that I could download it's mostly useless games and other asscockery. When she handed it to me, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't excited or anything of the sort. I had a general feeling of "meh" inside me. So I pretended to like it. I'm still pretending to like it. But it has sort of grown on me. Shame it's seemingly dead in the water already.

That's probably the most disappointing part of this whole fiasco. After spending some time with the system and playing some games, I think it has enormous potential as a portable gaming device. Unfortunately somebody forgot to tell Sony that the world isn't interested in this type of thing anymore. Why spend 250 dollars on an easily breakable console with expensive games when you can spend a bit more and get yourself an Android tablet or iPad with a warranty and cheap-as-shit games?. Hell, why spend 250 dollars on this when you can get a 3DS for 170 and enjoy world-class Nintendo games on a durable piece of hardware?

Better yet:


Seriously what the fuck is Sony thinking here. Either include a large flash drive inside or support SD cards. A 32GB PSVita memory card costs 100 fucking dollars at normal retail price. Sure, you can find it for less, but not much. Sony just keeps doing stupid shit like this over and over again, seemingly never learning from any of their mistakes. They just keep fucking us over. Of course, you could just buy what seem like SD cards with the games on them. Yeah. Stick it in there.

Did I mention there are apparently NO games coming for this thing in the near future?

Yeah. It sucks.

But there are some bright spots. Uncharted is a fantastic piece of software. I am sure I will enjoy listening to Nolan North when I'm taking a shit on the toilet. I also really like this little downloadable title I got called Tales from Space: Mutant Blobs Attack. It only cost 8 dollars and is fully of charm and creativity yet is also very simple. Even my kids enjoyed it.

I'm sure there will be something else worthwhile for the system at some point. Perhaps an entry in one of my favorite series, God of War? I'd like a Resident Evil game as well but I won't hold my breath. Whatever they put out, it had better start coming soon. I'm not too enthralled with the current lineup. Shit needs to improve. You know there is a problem when you're not even too excited to get a product for free. Free!

It has a nice screen. Goodbye guys.   read

7:44 PM on 03.25.2012

Disappointment: Discovering Resident Evil doesn't play nice with others

I was one of the true believers. What did I believe? That Resident Evil 5 would be just about the best thing ever. That being able to play with a friend was only going to enhance the experience. That Capcom would not let me down under any circumstances. That these fools who considered the very idea of multiplayer in Resident Evil to be some sort of affront to humanity were all going to be proven wrong.

Of course, who could really blame me for feeling that way? Capcom had previously delivered what I consider to be one of the greatest video games of all time in Resident Evil 4. That they had done this while making drastic changes to the series formula only served to fuel my confidence in my opinions even more. What's more, they even decided to combine this new method of frightening and tense action-oriented gameplay with fan favorite characters Chris Redfield and Wesker. The graphics were beautiful. The story was going back to the beginning in a sense. Everything seemed to be going perfectly.

Then the game came out. I spent all weekend trying to find a store that was breaking the street date but was unsuccessful until about 6 hours before the game's scheduled midnight release. I got the game, went to a friends house, and we proceeded to play the game for 13 hours straight. We finished it in one sitting. When I was done, I felt extremely satisfied, like I had just slept with a supermodel after killing some Nazis. You know, routine stuff. Then I went back and played the game by myself.

Never mind that the game is absolutely awful to play with a CPU controlled partner. What really stood out was that I never felt tense or nervous like I did while playing Resident Evil 4. Slowly I began to realize that I never felt that way while playing with my friend either. Lost in all of the explosions, gunshots, and healing Sheva by touching her breasts was that feeling of tension that the Los Illuminados used to fill me with. That jumpy, What-the-shit spanish people are suffocating me feeling was gone, replaced by the knowledge that either my friend or some African chick were going to be there to back me up and even work together with me to progress. After all, the idea of cooperation was suggested throughout the game even if it was only ever a bullshit excuse to enable co-op. You were meant to feel like you have a pal to back you up.

One example of this is an early encounter with a chainsaw wielding maniac. The game finds a way to separate both players, which theoretically should be a bit more tense than when you're standing side by side. But it doesn't, because the game gives one player the opportunity to take a few wide open shots at the incoming zombies from a nice flanking point. I didn't realize it at the time, but this is when I should have started asking angry questions like "What the fuck is this? Gears of War:The African Front?" followed by another "What the fuck". As I said before, this wasn't the case at first.

No, Resident Evil 5 is a cruel god. It quickly reveals it's deception which then slowly turns to disappointment over time. Not just another game to me, I was in fact ready to take it's big, black zombie penis straight inside me for all eternity. This was like finding out that the sexiest, sweetest and most beautiful man who wants to have anal sex with you has a diamond encrusted Prince Albert ready to rip you to shreds as soon as you bend over for him. Which, of course, is exactly what I did. I ranted about how awesome the game was to anybody who would listen for the first couple of months. I feel like an idiot sometimes when I think about how obsessed I was with the game.

Beyond destroying the strongest component of Resident Evil 4's gameplay, Resident Evil 5's insistence on 2 people killing Africans as a duo also invaded the game's story. For some reason I can't get over the fact that Wesker was killed by Chris Redfield and some new girl. Why couldn't it at least be somebody with a real history within the series? Instead we got some sexy ass bitch with a made-up back story about Umbrella fucking her village over. That gives her common ground with other main characters but does nothing to make her stand out from the pack. I just didn't care for her.

This is not to say the game is bad. It's certainly a fun romp with a friend and it does continue the series story and brings things somewhat full circle. It has incredible action set pieces and shooting black people in the face is always a good time (at least if you're a cop) . But it's not what I expected nor what I wanted. Only what I thought I wanted. It wasn't made for me. It was made for Call of Duty fans. That's fine. I've accepted that. Just make the next game for people like me.

As I look forward to playing Resident Evil 6, I can't help but worry about what Capcom is working on. 600 different people have worked on this game? Something tells me they don't all work in the same building and if that's the case I suspect there are different people working on different portions of the game. A fractured development for a numbered entry isn't what this series needs. Hopefully things will turn out better this time. Only time will tell whether or not Resident Evil has truly been lost to the corporate machine that Capcom seems to be slowly turning into.

Hopefully they won't disappoint me this time.   read

1:23 PM on 03.17.2012

I can't believe I've been coming here for like 5 years: Happy Birthday, Dtoid.

I have to admit that I find it strange to be here, typing up an impromptu blog post while hanging with my kids. After all, it's been a long time since I last did this sort of thing on a regular basis. I used to share my bi-polar opinions with the Destructoid masses on an almost daily basis at one point. I had my (abnormally large) fair share of failures at the beginning. Epic Fails, as we used to say around here before it was cool and overdone. And I never felt like I truly got any respect from the Destructoid staff or community, but that's largely my own fault and that's not really something that I'm worried about. Besides a short period of time at the beginning of my Destructoid life, I haven't done this to get attention or be to be liked by anybody. Read my past blogs and you'll see that. I only ever wanted to talk about some fucking video games and share my totally correct opinions with a bunch of like-minded assholes . If I can make you laugh at the absurdity of the things I type or the ridiculously strong nature of some of my opinions on certain topics, more power to my bad self. I just enjoy writing shit about video games.

For the past few years, Destructoid has allowed me to do just fucking that. No matter what time of day it is, you can write a blog and there is a chance you'll get some sort of response from somebody, provided you either write a good post or act like an asshole. Hell, even if you write a crappy post, chances are somebody will offer you some advice on how to do it better, or at least somebody will tell you you're doing it wrong. That's how it used to be. I don't know if it's like that anymore or not. I've been out of this for a while. The site isn't the same for me anymore and I doubt it ever will be. I'll still come here for the news over some corporate site any day of the week, but I can't see me going back to blogging on a daily basis ever again. To be honest I don't even feel comfortable around here anymore. I feel like nobody knows who the fuck I am.

But I've been hanging around the past few weeks. I'm spending more time at the desk now that I have another baby. My wife and I sleep at different times due to work and the baby, so I find myself not being obligated to sit on the couch all the damn time. It's great, really: We watch a movie and have sex and then one of us goes to sleep. Oh, and there's always dinner cooked for me and no mess to clean. The wife thinks I can't handle the kids and the cleaning and work. I'm a happy camper right now. I'm guessing this is a good time to stop talking about this topic.

But anyway, back to what I was saying. This place is basically the same as it was 5 years ago when I first started coming here.The community members are not all the same, but the type of people that have replaced them seem to fit in just fine. I'm going to try and spend more time blogging in the immediate future. I've said that line of bullshit before, but this time I feel like I'll honestly stick around. I'm hoping to see better writing on the front page, but that's something I'm slowly realizing is going to take patience. These guys are solid writers, they just need to grow some balls and put themselves out there. If we don't like you, then you can probably find jobs somewhere else that has a less casual tone than Destructoid.

If you haven't realized by now, this post is going nowhere in particular. I just felt like typing about Destructoid after finding out it just turned 6. I forget sometimes how long it's been here. I visit every single day for the news. It's become so routine for me that I never stop and consider how much it's changed and grown over the years. So this was me kind of doing that. I just felt a bit nostalgic and shit.

So this is me saying Happy Birthday, Destructoid. I hope things get a bit better on the front page, but know that I don't doubt that you're trying. I just hope it all works out well. See you soon bitches.   read

2:58 PM on 03.15.2012

History tragically repeats itself: My son is a Sonic the Hedgehog fan

When I think back to my childhood and the games I played, there are a few series and franchises that stand out for the amount of interest they garnered from me and the subsequent amount of time I spent playing them. Pretty much all of these were on Nintendo consoles, except one. As you've probably deduced by now from the title and because you're not a fucking moron, that "exception" was Sonic the Hedgehog for the Sega Genesis.

I really enjoyed the time I spent playing those original Sonic games. I even had the pinball game, Sonic Spinball. But that's where it ends for me. I never owned a Sega CD and so never owned Sonic CD until just a few months ago. And while I owned a Dreamcast and a copy of Sonic Adventure, I've always hated that game and all it's shitty sequels and follow-ups. But regardless of how I feel about all of this shit, I only ever dealt with the games. I watched the original cartoon once or twice and the same goes for some Sonic comics. I was busy with super-heroes when it came to cartoons and comics.

But my son? My 6 old is a fan of just about EVERYTHING Sonic related. Some may say this is cool or a good thing or we could use it to bond, and they would be somewhat correct, but then again it also means that my son enjoys watching this:

There's supposed to be a video here but I can't figure out how to embed one for the life of me. This used to be so easy. Even the cblogs suck now....

The lyrics are as follows:

Triplets Born
The Throne Awaits
A seer warns of a deadly fate
Give up your children
Bide Your Time
Lie In Wait
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
They made a vow their mother will be found

The children grow
Learn what's right
Leaders of the freedom fight
They seek their mother
She knows they do
It is time if she only knew
Will the prophecy come true?
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
Sonic Underground
Queen Aleena: "I long for my children but I have to wait.
To act too soon could seal their fate!"
They made a vow their mother will be found
Sonic Underground!

Fuck you Sonic Underground. Fuck you and your whore mother.

Just read that shit. FUCKING READ IT. You know you didn't click the link. It's OK, my parents are racist Catholics so I forigve you. That shit is awful though , huh? Is this what it was like for my parents with Power Rangers or the Super Mario cartoon? I loved the Super Mario cartoon But the show isn't the only thing. There are expensive action figures, stupid spin-off games like Sega All Stars Racing and Sonic Riders, and other junk he wants to buy. This is all without mentioning how much of a letdown he's in for if he spends his MS Points on Sonic Adventure and finds out it sucks dick.

Hell, wait until he plays pretty much any game besides the 2D side scrolling one's he currently enjoys. I'm banking on thrown controllers and lots of screaming at the TV about how it's not fair that Sonic The Hedgehog for the 360 is so hard. Right now he only plays Sonic 2, 3, and 4 Episode 1. But that's enough for now. As you might have noticed, my son is pretty much just like any other 6 year old. They latch onto characters or brands for a few months before moving on and finding something new to obsess over. It's really not that bad. I just find myself sitting here with 10 minutes to spare before I get my son off of the school bus and I just stepped on one of those expensive fucking action figures. Super Sonic is a cocksucking bastard. Fuck him in his yellow ear.

Anyway, it's been good getting out some more frustration with you guys. This is most certainly a throw-away post, so feel free to treat it as such and just throw it away. Or alternatively you could digest it slowly and painfully and then shit it out quickly and with much moisture. Whatever floats your boat. I need to get my son and then ice my foot. I fucking hate toys. See ya.....   read

8:08 PM on 03.13.2012

The writing on the Destructoid front page sucks: A short complaint.

I'm going to try and make this quick and to the point. This is partly because there's no "backbone" to this article, meaning it does not feature any real, tangible evidence to support my bitching and moaning. It's also partly because I need to put my 4 month old to bed so I can fuck his sex-addicted-because-she-needs-to-feel-wanted mother so she'll leave me alone and I can play Mass Effect 3. Right now they're doing feeding and bath time so I've got a few minutes to spare with you fine folks. So strap on your strap-ons and prepare to go fuck yourself. It's time to complain.

These new writers suck. Really, they do. The majority of them seem like they're writing giant fucking advertisements for they games they preview or even the news they report. Most of them seem to like just about everything. Nobody is being cynical or humorous. They either suck some game/developer/publisher/industry figure's cock, or they simply report the news and perhaps ask a stupid question of the readers, much like an IGN story.

Where the fuck is the insight? The wit? The originality? What happened to the honesty? Where did the fucking balls go?

I remember when Destructoid writers had no fear. I remember when they had opinions and they fucking used them as they saw fucking fit. Now everybody just smiles and waves.

I remember when Destructoid writers had personalities. At least Jim is still an asshole. My favorite asshole.

Apologies to the veterans who have been around for a while.......

Anyways, back to playing Mass Effect 3. Goodnight, and sorry for wasting your time. I did tell you strap on your strap-on, so don't say I didn't warn you.   read

6:17 PM on 11.16.2011

Long time no see, Dtoid! EDS had another baby! YAY Babies!

Yes, that title was clearly a desperate plea for your attention, something I used to care dearly about. These days I've got so much going on in my life that I really don't have a lot of time to spend with you. I know, I know, none of you even know who the hell I am anymore. But I used to write good blogs that people read and commented on. I used to feel good about myself knowing that somebody gave a rat's ass what I thought about the games I played or the current events within the industry. I've wanted that feeling again for a long time, but life kind of got in the way. Besides that, knowing that my kids worship me like a God makes me feel way better than you great people could! BTW, that was a compliment.

So today I find myself with some spare time. Lots of it, in fact. My poor wife, the one I usually talk massive amounts of shit about in this blog, is still in the hospital. She's going to be OK, although she may need to change her diet for the rest of her life. She's got some issues down in her stomach area. I don't know why, but it's somehow related to having a C-Section. I really don't know. I'm so busy and she's so drugged up that sometimes I feel like there's some information I'm missing. Whatever. As long as they tell me she'll eventually be fine, that whatever. So anyway, here I am, alone. The kids are with their grandmother because I work nights and need sleep during the day. But enough about all that, on to the big news!

Kobe Alexander Wayne (Last name withheld) was born on October 29th at 10:54 PM. He was 19 inches long and weighed about 7lbs 3 oz. He was 2 weeks early because his mother slipped and fell in the snow while walking up the driveway! While scary when it happened, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My wife had been begging the doctors to take the baby out of her for a week by that point and she was just totally miserable. So it all worked out well in that regard. Obviously not everything worked out perfectly, but it was cool at the time!

So now I sit here, alone, with no kids and nothing to do. For some odd reason, playing a game doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I've had Uncharted 3 since the day it came out and still have no laid a finger on it! Of course, Uncharted is a special game for my wife and I, as it's the only game she enjoys watching me play. So I've decided to wait until she comes home, difficult as it is to do so. I really want to see what happens to Nathan Drake next! Besides that, I've got Skyrim sitting around waiting for me. Oh, and a ton of Riddler Trophies and challenge maps in Arkham City. So many games to play and so little time!

To be honest, there's one game I'm more interested in above all others. One game I won't wait to play. That game would be The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword! After reading a metric fuck-ton of reviews, I am totally fucking pumped for this entry in the Zelda series. I hear it's a bit more linear than past games, which sounds like it's really right up my alley. As I get older, I find myself preferring to have my hand held in regards to what do next in a game. I can't stand getting lost or not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. Not that Zelda was ever confusing, but it's always been a bit sprawling and intimidating.

Anyway, that's all I've got right now. Sorry for the crappy writing, but as always I never edit my blogs nor do I spend more than 15 minutes writing them. My mind is all over the place, so this is what you get.

Don't say I never gave you anything! See you around, Dtoid.   read

2:49 AM on 04.05.2011

The chronicles of my strange affection and love for Crysis 2

Hey there Destructoid! How the fuck are ya? That's really swell. Me? I'm great dude. Planning on talking about a game and doing some shameless whoring. What can I say? I can't fucking sleep and I'm bored and lonely. I thought perhaps we could keep each other company. Maybe even indulge in the warm embrace of each others non-muscular arms. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Right then. I've been playing some Crysis 2 lately. I've been having myself a great time with it, too, which surprised the semen out me. Unlike most gamers I encounter, I'm not a big fan of single player campaigns in FPS games. I'm usually far more interested in the online aspects of the FPS genre, something that is no doubt attributable to the fact that I'm a dad and have limited time to game. It's more accessible to me due to it's pick up and play nature and lack of investment in a story I might not be able to continue for a week due to obligations like sleeping with my overweight wife and then watching a movie with her. Of course, that's not the only reason. There's also masturbating to attractive women (Gotta get mine!). Oh, and the things in the next paragraph too.

Usually the stories in single-player bore the fucking shit out of me. The characters are often dumb fucking meat heads with bad senses of humor that just seem absolutely fucking desperate to try and shock you or get you pumped with their macho attitude. Of course they're also sometimes just boring or unoriginal. There's more reasons, but some I just can't really explain. I just can't get into most FPS games, except of course for Bulletstorm (See? Told you there would be shameless whoring). No Call of Duty for this overworked and stressed out waste of space.

But the strange thing is, Crysis 2 isn't exactly innovative. It's mostly the same old shit. Guns shoot, people and aliens die. The story is really throw-away, generic shit. The main character isn't a dumb-ass or annoying, but that's because he's silent. Really, this is probably for the best. I highly doubt he'd have anything to say that I'd want to fucking hear. But regardless of my feelings towards the boring main character and the cookie-cutter, stenciled in story, I love the gameplay. I like that I've got a lot of fucking options at my disposal most of the time, like a sandbox game, but that it's focused and pretty much linear throughout the game. I also kind of like using the powers, lame as they really are when I stop and think about it.

I mean, turning invisible and being bulletproof are cool, I guess, but the idea of them in my mind sounds lame. Whatever the case, I do enjoy sneaking around and stabbing bitches, or shooting them with the silenced shotgun. I've kind of found some enjoyment in the actual management of my suits powers. I'm playing on Veteran, which is like hard mode, not very hard, and the suit doesn't last long. Damage drains the armor, and using a weapon or walking usually drains the cloak, as does sprinting. So sometimes, although not always, you'll have to actually consider more than just whether or not to stay in cover or pop up and shoot. I don't know. I like it, for whatever reason. The outcome usually feels good. It's bizarre how much satisfaction I get out of killing dudes in this game. I can't really piece it all together, but there I am, playing the fucking game every chance I get. You should give a it a try if you get the chance.

Basically, I enjoy it because it has a good amount of checkpoints that save the game, and because it requires no real investment in the story. Of course, the gameplay is also rather enjoyable, and that is of course the most important fucking part of the equation when it comes to video games.

Anyway, like my Bulletstorm (again!) post, this isn't really a review. Those require too much sustained mental effort, something my old shrink used to tell me is hard for people like me. Whatever that meant. Guy was creepy anyway. He asked me if I ever tried my own jizz. He said this was normal and that he had done it when he was a teen. He did this while wearing that hat Jewish people wear. But that's a story for another time. Hopefully I'll get my new TV soon, and we can meet up and talk some more. I always enjoy our little chats. It's been real guys. Goodnight.   read

7:09 PM on 04.03.2011

Did I really spend 60 hours playing Bulletstorm?

Yes, yes I did. And it was an oh-so-awesome fucking time. Every minute of it. Well, to be fair, a few rounds of Anarchy mode, the game's multiplayer option, with people I didn't know who didn't wear headsets, were kind of of lame. But that's maybe 30 minutes of about 55 to 60 hours I've probably played this game. And of those 60 hours, approximately 60 hours of it was a fantastic and fun-filled time.

I'm sure some of you have played the game and are wondering how I could possibly spent that much time on it. And believe me you, I totally fucking understand where you're coming from if you feel that way. Usually I'm the guy sitting here trying to fathom how anybody could spend so much fucking time with one particular game. For the most part I just beat games and move on, or play multiplayer and never even bother with the campaign or story. But Bulletstorm is different.

You see, unlike most FPS games, BS (as it will be called from here on out) has a great little thing called Echoes. Sure, some games have a "Firefight" type mode, but that's different. That's just waves of increasingly difficult enemies. In BS, you'll be going through a level with the same enemies in the same spots every time. Some might say it seems like a recipe for boredom and staleness and all that other shit. But it's not. It takes the satisfaction derived from killing people in violent ways and mixes it with the satisfaction of getting a higher score than your previous tries. It's basically melding new-school gaming with old-school sensibilities and then covering it in blood and immature humor (my favorite type of humor in games).

Now ordinarily I'd probably play each level a few times and then move on with my life. But not this time. I played each level 10s if not 100s of times each. Why? The answer is simple: I'm actually pretty good at this game, unlike just about every other game that features leader boards. I've been ranked as high as 180 in terms of Total Score, which is all levels combined. I've been ranked as high as 5th in individual levels, especially when the game was first released, and even as high as the 20s and 30s weeks after release. Now? Who knows. Haven't played in a few weeks. The wife had me playing Halo:Reach with her and now I've got Crysis 2 to fool around with for a while. But I do plan on going back to this game again, something I almost never do. I've got a Very Hard play through that I'm about 3/4 of the way done with, and I know that once I fire the game up I won't turn it off until I best one of my current high scores. The game is just that fucking addictive to me.

Now, before you all say "Nobody gives a fuck about your BS skills (pun intended) you dork", I'm not trying to brag. One can hardly brag about something of this sort unless they're in the top 10 or something like that. I'm merely attempting to show you why I enjoy the game so much. Of course, it's not just the addictive nature of the game. It's a blast to play in general. The story, while somewhat light and not really thought-provoking or well nuanced, is expertly paced and wonderfully written. You'll find yourself laughing a lot, unless you're a tight ass or an old man who watches Fox News, and you'll probably even care a bit about the characters, which I found impressive. It's hard to make me care about a guy who drinks constantly and gets extremely excited for what he calls "Murder-time!". I mean, guy's practically a sociopath. But your companion Ishi is a nice counter to the insanity that is Grayson Hunt.

Now, this isn't really a review, because reviews require thought, and this took about 20 minutes to write, and that's including the giant shit break I took in the middle (Sausage sandwiches, beer, hash and baseball will do that to you). I just felt like telling you guys my thoughts, even though my previous blog (shameless self-promotion FTW) claimed I'd probably save my expanded thoughts on BS for a dual-review of it along with Crysis 2. But my wife is watching Young Victoria and I'm not really down with that, so here I am, infecting your C-blogs, clogging up your interwebs with my bullshit. That's just how it goes. Life isn't always fair.

But worry not, dear Destructoidians. For now it is time for my comeuppance: My wife is making me watch Resident Evil:Afterlife on Blu-Ray with her. She bought it today in anticipation of the arrival of our 3D TV. I assume it has an extra disc with the 2D version or whatever. I dunno. She bought the 3D copy. And of course, this means I'll also be watching it again in 3D sometime in the future. I actually don't mind the other RE movies, as I'm not a purist and can separate the campy, B quality movies from the campy, B-movie like games, which while more coherent and better written, aren't exactly going to win awards for their stories or dialogue either. The films aren't good, but I usually get some laughs out of how stupid they are. But this one looks worse than the others, which didn't seem possible.

I'll stop bothering you now. Good night, fair kingdom of Destructoidia. Sleep well.   read

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