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2:58 PM on 03.15.2012  

History tragically repeats itself: My son is a Sonic the Hedgehog fan

When I think back to my childhood and the games I played, there are a few series and franchises that stand out for the amount of interest they garnered from me and the subsequent amount of time I spent playing them. Pretty much all of these were on Nintendo consoles, except one. As you've probably deduced by now from the title and because you're not a fucking moron, that "exception" was Sonic the Hedgehog for the Sega Genesis.

I really enjoyed the time I spent playing those original Sonic games. I even had the pinball game, Sonic Spinball. But that's where it ends for me. I never owned a Sega CD and so never owned Sonic CD until just a few months ago. And while I owned a Dreamcast and a copy of Sonic Adventure, I've always hated that game and all it's shitty sequels and follow-ups. But regardless of how I feel about all of this shit, I only ever dealt with the games. I watched the original cartoon once or twice and the same goes for some Sonic comics. I was busy with super-heroes when it came to cartoons and comics.

But my son? My 6 old is a fan of just about EVERYTHING Sonic related. Some may say this is cool or a good thing or we could use it to bond, and they would be somewhat correct, but then again it also means that my son enjoys watching this:

There's supposed to be a video here but I can't figure out how to embed one for the life of me. This used to be so easy. Even the cblogs suck now....

The lyrics are as follows:

(Sonic)
Triplets Born
The Throne Awaits
A seer warns of a deadly fate
Give up your children
Separate
Bide Your Time
Lie In Wait
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
They made a vow their mother will be found

The children grow
Learn what's right
Leaders of the freedom fight
They seek their mother
She knows they do
It is time if she only knew
Will the prophecy come true?
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
Sonic Underground
Queen Aleena: "I long for my children but I have to wait.
To act too soon could seal their fate!"
They made a vow their mother will be found
Sonic Underground!

Fuck you Sonic Underground. Fuck you and your whore mother.

Just read that shit. FUCKING READ IT. You know you didn't click the link. It's OK, my parents are racist Catholics so I forigve you. That shit is awful though , huh? Is this what it was like for my parents with Power Rangers or the Super Mario cartoon? I loved the Super Mario cartoon But the show isn't the only thing. There are expensive action figures, stupid spin-off games like Sega All Stars Racing and Sonic Riders, and other junk he wants to buy. This is all without mentioning how much of a letdown he's in for if he spends his MS Points on Sonic Adventure and finds out it sucks dick.

Hell, wait until he plays pretty much any game besides the 2D side scrolling one's he currently enjoys. I'm banking on thrown controllers and lots of screaming at the TV about how it's not fair that Sonic The Hedgehog for the 360 is so hard. Right now he only plays Sonic 2, 3, and 4 Episode 1. But that's enough for now. As you might have noticed, my son is pretty much just like any other 6 year old. They latch onto characters or brands for a few months before moving on and finding something new to obsess over. It's really not that bad. I just find myself sitting here with 10 minutes to spare before I get my son off of the school bus and I just stepped on one of those expensive fucking action figures. Super Sonic is a cocksucking bastard. Fuck him in his yellow ear.

Anyway, it's been good getting out some more frustration with you guys. This is most certainly a throw-away post, so feel free to treat it as such and just throw it away. Or alternatively you could digest it slowly and painfully and then shit it out quickly and with much moisture. Whatever floats your boat. I need to get my son and then ice my foot. I fucking hate toys. See ya.....   read


8:08 PM on 03.13.2012  

The writing on the Destructoid front page sucks: A short complaint.

I'm going to try and make this quick and to the point. This is partly because there's no "backbone" to this article, meaning it does not feature any real, tangible evidence to support my bitching and moaning. It's also partly because I need to put my 4 month old to bed so I can fuck his sex-addicted-because-she-needs-to-feel-wanted mother so she'll leave me alone and I can play Mass Effect 3. Right now they're doing feeding and bath time so I've got a few minutes to spare with you fine folks. So strap on your strap-ons and prepare to go fuck yourself. It's time to complain.

These new writers suck. Really, they do. The majority of them seem like they're writing giant fucking advertisements for they games they preview or even the news they report. Most of them seem to like just about everything. Nobody is being cynical or humorous. They either suck some game/developer/publisher/industry figure's cock, or they simply report the news and perhaps ask a stupid question of the readers, much like an IGN story.

Where the fuck is the insight? The wit? The originality? What happened to the honesty? Where did the fucking balls go?

I remember when Destructoid writers had no fear. I remember when they had opinions and they fucking used them as they saw fucking fit. Now everybody just smiles and waves.

I remember when Destructoid writers had personalities. At least Jim is still an asshole. My favorite asshole.

Apologies to the veterans who have been around for a while.......

Anyways, back to playing Mass Effect 3. Goodnight, and sorry for wasting your time. I did tell you strap on your strap-on, so don't say I didn't warn you.   read


6:17 PM on 11.16.2011  

Long time no see, Dtoid! EDS had another baby! YAY Babies!



Yes, that title was clearly a desperate plea for your attention, something I used to care dearly about. These days I've got so much going on in my life that I really don't have a lot of time to spend with you. I know, I know, none of you even know who the hell I am anymore. But I used to write good blogs that people read and commented on. I used to feel good about myself knowing that somebody gave a rat's ass what I thought about the games I played or the current events within the industry. I've wanted that feeling again for a long time, but life kind of got in the way. Besides that, knowing that my kids worship me like a God makes me feel way better than you great people could! BTW, that was a compliment.

So today I find myself with some spare time. Lots of it, in fact. My poor wife, the one I usually talk massive amounts of shit about in this blog, is still in the hospital. She's going to be OK, although she may need to change her diet for the rest of her life. She's got some issues down in her stomach area. I don't know why, but it's somehow related to having a C-Section. I really don't know. I'm so busy and she's so drugged up that sometimes I feel like there's some information I'm missing. Whatever. As long as they tell me she'll eventually be fine, that whatever. So anyway, here I am, alone. The kids are with their grandmother because I work nights and need sleep during the day. But enough about all that, on to the big news!

Kobe Alexander Wayne (Last name withheld) was born on October 29th at 10:54 PM. He was 19 inches long and weighed about 7lbs 3 oz. He was 2 weeks early because his mother slipped and fell in the snow while walking up the driveway! While scary when it happened, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My wife had been begging the doctors to take the baby out of her for a week by that point and she was just totally miserable. So it all worked out well in that regard. Obviously not everything worked out perfectly, but it was cool at the time!

So now I sit here, alone, with no kids and nothing to do. For some odd reason, playing a game doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I've had Uncharted 3 since the day it came out and still have no laid a finger on it! Of course, Uncharted is a special game for my wife and I, as it's the only game she enjoys watching me play. So I've decided to wait until she comes home, difficult as it is to do so. I really want to see what happens to Nathan Drake next! Besides that, I've got Skyrim sitting around waiting for me. Oh, and a ton of Riddler Trophies and challenge maps in Arkham City. So many games to play and so little time!

To be honest, there's one game I'm more interested in above all others. One game I won't wait to play. That game would be The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword! After reading a metric fuck-ton of reviews, I am totally fucking pumped for this entry in the Zelda series. I hear it's a bit more linear than past games, which sounds like it's really right up my alley. As I get older, I find myself preferring to have my hand held in regards to what do next in a game. I can't stand getting lost or not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. Not that Zelda was ever confusing, but it's always been a bit sprawling and intimidating.

Anyway, that's all I've got right now. Sorry for the crappy writing, but as always I never edit my blogs nor do I spend more than 15 minutes writing them. My mind is all over the place, so this is what you get.

Don't say I never gave you anything! See you around, Dtoid.   read


2:49 AM on 04.05.2011  

The chronicles of my strange affection and love for Crysis 2



Hey there Destructoid! How the fuck are ya? That's really swell. Me? I'm great dude. Planning on talking about a game and doing some shameless whoring. What can I say? I can't fucking sleep and I'm bored and lonely. I thought perhaps we could keep each other company. Maybe even indulge in the warm embrace of each others non-muscular arms. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Right then. I've been playing some Crysis 2 lately. I've been having myself a great time with it, too, which surprised the semen out me. Unlike most gamers I encounter, I'm not a big fan of single player campaigns in FPS games. I'm usually far more interested in the online aspects of the FPS genre, something that is no doubt attributable to the fact that I'm a dad and have limited time to game. It's more accessible to me due to it's pick up and play nature and lack of investment in a story I might not be able to continue for a week due to obligations like sleeping with my overweight wife and then watching a movie with her. Of course, that's not the only reason. There's also masturbating to attractive women (Gotta get mine!). Oh, and the things in the next paragraph too.

Usually the stories in single-player bore the fucking shit out of me. The characters are often dumb fucking meat heads with bad senses of humor that just seem absolutely fucking desperate to try and shock you or get you pumped with their macho attitude. Of course they're also sometimes just boring or unoriginal. There's more reasons, but some I just can't really explain. I just can't get into most FPS games, except of course for Bulletstorm (See? Told you there would be shameless whoring). No Call of Duty for this overworked and stressed out waste of space.



But the strange thing is, Crysis 2 isn't exactly innovative. It's mostly the same old shit. Guns shoot, people and aliens die. The story is really throw-away, generic shit. The main character isn't a dumb-ass or annoying, but that's because he's silent. Really, this is probably for the best. I highly doubt he'd have anything to say that I'd want to fucking hear. But regardless of my feelings towards the boring main character and the cookie-cutter, stenciled in story, I love the gameplay. I like that I've got a lot of fucking options at my disposal most of the time, like a sandbox game, but that it's focused and pretty much linear throughout the game. I also kind of like using the powers, lame as they really are when I stop and think about it.

I mean, turning invisible and being bulletproof are cool, I guess, but the idea of them in my mind sounds lame. Whatever the case, I do enjoy sneaking around and stabbing bitches, or shooting them with the silenced shotgun. I've kind of found some enjoyment in the actual management of my suits powers. I'm playing on Veteran, which is like hard mode, not very hard, and the suit doesn't last long. Damage drains the armor, and using a weapon or walking usually drains the cloak, as does sprinting. So sometimes, although not always, you'll have to actually consider more than just whether or not to stay in cover or pop up and shoot. I don't know. I like it, for whatever reason. The outcome usually feels good. It's bizarre how much satisfaction I get out of killing dudes in this game. I can't really piece it all together, but there I am, playing the fucking game every chance I get. You should give a it a try if you get the chance.



Basically, I enjoy it because it has a good amount of checkpoints that save the game, and because it requires no real investment in the story. Of course, the gameplay is also rather enjoyable, and that is of course the most important fucking part of the equation when it comes to video games.

Anyway, like my Bulletstorm (again!) post, this isn't really a review. Those require too much sustained mental effort, something my old shrink used to tell me is hard for people like me. Whatever that meant. Guy was creepy anyway. He asked me if I ever tried my own jizz. He said this was normal and that he had done it when he was a teen. He did this while wearing that hat Jewish people wear. But that's a story for another time. Hopefully I'll get my new TV soon, and we can meet up and talk some more. I always enjoy our little chats. It's been real guys. Goodnight.   read


7:09 PM on 04.03.2011  

Did I really spend 60 hours playing Bulletstorm?



Yes, yes I did. And it was an oh-so-awesome fucking time. Every minute of it. Well, to be fair, a few rounds of Anarchy mode, the game's multiplayer option, with people I didn't know who didn't wear headsets, were kind of of lame. But that's maybe 30 minutes of about 55 to 60 hours I've probably played this game. And of those 60 hours, approximately 60 hours of it was a fantastic and fun-filled time.

I'm sure some of you have played the game and are wondering how I could possibly spent that much time on it. And believe me you, I totally fucking understand where you're coming from if you feel that way. Usually I'm the guy sitting here trying to fathom how anybody could spend so much fucking time with one particular game. For the most part I just beat games and move on, or play multiplayer and never even bother with the campaign or story. But Bulletstorm is different.

You see, unlike most FPS games, BS (as it will be called from here on out) has a great little thing called Echoes. Sure, some games have a "Firefight" type mode, but that's different. That's just waves of increasingly difficult enemies. In BS, you'll be going through a level with the same enemies in the same spots every time. Some might say it seems like a recipe for boredom and staleness and all that other shit. But it's not. It takes the satisfaction derived from killing people in violent ways and mixes it with the satisfaction of getting a higher score than your previous tries. It's basically melding new-school gaming with old-school sensibilities and then covering it in blood and immature humor (my favorite type of humor in games).



Now ordinarily I'd probably play each level a few times and then move on with my life. But not this time. I played each level 10s if not 100s of times each. Why? The answer is simple: I'm actually pretty good at this game, unlike just about every other game that features leader boards. I've been ranked as high as 180 in terms of Total Score, which is all levels combined. I've been ranked as high as 5th in individual levels, especially when the game was first released, and even as high as the 20s and 30s weeks after release. Now? Who knows. Haven't played in a few weeks. The wife had me playing Halo:Reach with her and now I've got Crysis 2 to fool around with for a while. But I do plan on going back to this game again, something I almost never do. I've got a Very Hard play through that I'm about 3/4 of the way done with, and I know that once I fire the game up I won't turn it off until I best one of my current high scores. The game is just that fucking addictive to me.

Now, before you all say "Nobody gives a fuck about your BS skills (pun intended) you dork", I'm not trying to brag. One can hardly brag about something of this sort unless they're in the top 10 or something like that. I'm merely attempting to show you why I enjoy the game so much. Of course, it's not just the addictive nature of the game. It's a blast to play in general. The story, while somewhat light and not really thought-provoking or well nuanced, is expertly paced and wonderfully written. You'll find yourself laughing a lot, unless you're a tight ass or an old man who watches Fox News, and you'll probably even care a bit about the characters, which I found impressive. It's hard to make me care about a guy who drinks constantly and gets extremely excited for what he calls "Murder-time!". I mean, guy's practically a sociopath. But your companion Ishi is a nice counter to the insanity that is Grayson Hunt.



Now, this isn't really a review, because reviews require thought, and this took about 20 minutes to write, and that's including the giant shit break I took in the middle (Sausage sandwiches, beer, hash and baseball will do that to you). I just felt like telling you guys my thoughts, even though my previous blog (shameless self-promotion FTW) claimed I'd probably save my expanded thoughts on BS for a dual-review of it along with Crysis 2. But my wife is watching Young Victoria and I'm not really down with that, so here I am, infecting your C-blogs, clogging up your interwebs with my bullshit. That's just how it goes. Life isn't always fair.

But worry not, dear Destructoidians. For now it is time for my comeuppance: My wife is making me watch Resident Evil:Afterlife on Blu-Ray with her. She bought it today in anticipation of the arrival of our 3D TV. I assume it has an extra disc with the 2D version or whatever. I dunno. She bought the 3D copy. And of course, this means I'll also be watching it again in 3D sometime in the future. I actually don't mind the other RE movies, as I'm not a purist and can separate the campy, B quality movies from the campy, B-movie like games, which while more coherent and better written, aren't exactly going to win awards for their stories or dialogue either. The films aren't good, but I usually get some laughs out of how stupid they are. But this one looks worse than the others, which didn't seem possible.

I'll stop bothering you now. Good night, fair kingdom of Destructoidia. Sleep well.   read


10:22 AM on 04.03.2011  

Going blindly into our 3D future....With no games.....And no glasses...



Hey there, Destructoid. How's it hanging? Probably not as low as my penis, but that's probably for the best. I notice that there has been a lot of hub-bub about the 3DS lately, and 3D in general seems like it's starting to take off, albeit slowly. So, like any good consumer whore, I decided to pony up and get with the fucking future.

Apparently, the future is expensive. I recently became the proud owner of a Nintendo 3DS, in ugly Aqua Blue or whatever they call it. It's fucking hideous and looks like a toy. But that's really besides the point. The real question for non-owners is: Is it any good? Well, of course it is. It's made by Nintendo. It's a high quality product as usual, with it's build quality being unmatched by almost any portable electronic device besides Apple's iThings. My wife and I had great fun taking 3D pictures of my penis. That was cool. 3D vaginas? Not so much. Ugh.

But what about the games? Well, ask somebody else because I don't own any of them.

Nope, not a one. I just can't find anything that really interests me in the launch line-up. I don't need another Street Fighter game. I already own it on the iPad and the fucking Xbox 360, not to mention the never played copy of Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 for the PS3. After that I just don't see anything worth 40 dollars.



And that's perfectly fine with me. You see, I don't play games on the go. Certainly not at work, and certainly not while driving my car in horrible New Jersey traffic. I'm mainly excited about the 3DS because it seems like the perfect marriage of Nintendo's drive for innovation and Sony's drive for high technology. Sure, the graphics aren't up to par with today's consoles, except for maybe the Wii, but seeing as how it's capable of making nice looking Resident Evil games, it's got more than enough power for me. In fact, the first game I plan to buy is Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D, unless the Zelda remake comes out first. I'm also excited to be able to play something like Super Mario Galaxy in 3D, even if it's just a remake.

I see good things in the future ahead. Hopefully I won't be disappointed. But just in case I am, I also bought something else the other day: A 3D TV



If you click the link, that's the actual model I ordered from Crutchfield. I took a trip to Best Buy to see the model, just to check it out. Would never buy it from them because I don't buy things from Best Buy, but it was a very nice TV. They did not have a 3D demo set up for this particular model, but the 2D image is among the best I've ever seen in it's price range. Customer reviews around the web say the 3D is good, so I decided to roll the dice and give it a shot. It'll be here in 5 to 10 business days!

Unfortunately, unless I want to spend 300 to 500 bucks on a starter kit, I'll be waiting a few weeks to actually see anything in 3D. You see, those instant rebates they offer that give you 2 pairs of glasses and a few movies for free are all on backorder. It's unfortunate, but I'm willing to wait instead of spend even more money. Whatever. First thing I'm doing is trying out Crysis 2, Resident Evil 5: Gold Edition, and Killzone 3 in fucking 3D. After that, I'll be picking up a copy of the 4 disc Tron: Legacy 3D Blu-Ray set.



Why Tron? Sure, the movie is almost pure fluff and practically incoherent, or at least ridiculous, but damned if it ain't fucking gorgeous. It's actually the first movie I saw in 3D in the theater. It's easily one of the prettiest movies I've ever seen, and I can't wait to see it again in my house.

Other than all that, yeah, I've been playing Crysis 2 a lot. I'm almost done with it. It's a great game, surprisingly. I'd rather not delve too much into the details right now. Perhaps a dual-review of it along with my favorite game so far this year, Bulletstorm, sometime in the future? Maybe. Probably fucking not. Besides, all you need to know about BS is that it's fucking awesome. Buy it if you haven't already. More than likely I may get on here and let you know how the 3D TV experience goes, whenever the glasses and 5 free movies show the hell up.

So long for now, Destructoid. You're always in my thoughts....   read


11:31 AM on 01.30.2011  

Attaining enlightenment through videogames (or what I've been up to lately)

Hello there Destructoid. How's it hangin'? It's been a while since we last spoke, and things have changed quite a bit since then. The wife no longer plays World of Warcraft. We got a Kinect for Christmas. I turned my Wii on for the first time since [/i]New Super Mario Bros[/i] and then I kept it on. I played the Bulletstorm demo. Things have changed.

Of course, the more things change the more they stay the same, and the evidence of that is that instead of ignoring each other to play different games, we play Halo: Reach just about every fucking day. Some of you older Destructoiders might remember that my wife would torture me with Halo 3 on a nightly basis when she wasn't playing WoW. We're doing the same thing, except this time it's not torture. We have a lot of fun and it hasn't gotten old like Halo 3 did. This has unfortunately cut into my time with single player games, but that's OK for now. It sure beats sitting around telling you about how awful my wife's addiction to WoW is or what a bitch she is for it. You could almost say I feel happy, although a better word might be satisfied. Shame we can't say the same for my penis.

But anyway, you didn't come here to read the screenplay for the latest Lifetime Original Movie. You came to read the musings of an omnipotent videogaming God from another dimension. I can help you with that. You too can attain enlightenment and satisfaction in your life. The first step is to continue reading this blog.



You'll remember I mentioned that my family and I got a Kinect for Christmas. My wife thought it would be a nice surprise for us, with "us" being myself and the evil demon spawns sent from hell, otherwise known as my children. And as it turns out, it has been a nice surprise. I honestly thought that the entire concept behind Kinect was doomed to failure. While failure down the road is still possible, for now I must say that I'm pretty impressed with what the technology offers. We've had a blast having friends over to play stuff like Kinect Sports and Dance Central (Spoiler: I am a terrible dancer). And the kids really like Kinectimals for 30 minutes at a time or so. It's been nice having it. And of course it's always fun to whip your penis out and see if you can see it in the Kinect Tuner, right? Right? Anyway, the only problem so far is that there is nothing that I'd play by myself. When they can give me something compelling to play single-player, then they'll really have my attention. Until then, I will continue to beg my wife to sit on my cock in front of it so we can see if it sees me inside her. She will continue to look at me like I'm a stranger and say "Get the fuck out of here". Yeah, I went there.



Going back to the beginning again, you'll once again recall that I also spoke about turning the Wii on. I received a copy of Donkey Kong Country Returns and a copy of Epic Mickey for Christmas. From my mom. Anyhow, I've spent the majority of my time with my old pal Donkey Kong. The game is fantastic. There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. I suppose you could whine a bit about having to shake the remote and all, but I honestly don't mind. My arms can handle it. They do a lot of jerking motions throughout the week. This is gaming at it's purest. No bullshit. No gimmicks. Just fun. I can't really argue with that. On the other side of the fence is Epic Mickey. Here's a game I really want to like. I like most everything I've seen so far in my limited time with the game, but the camera is so fucking atrocious that I can already tell I might not even finish this game in the end. Either that or I'll end up puking all over my Wii. It's a shame, but it is what it is. We'll always have Disney World. It stays awesome forever.



And now we get to the end of my this boring but insightful post. Let's talk about Bulletstorm, AKA the Best Game Ever Made AKA Sex with your mom last night. It was awesome. I must have played it 13 of 14 times since I downloaded it. I continue to find new ways to hurt people for more points, but I still can't seem to get everything I know into one playthrough. I am topping out at around 7000 points so far. I will likely continue to try and get at least 10,000 for as long as takes, or at least until the game comes out. It's that good. My wife even enjoys watching me play it. You can't argue with that shit. I'll definitely be picking this one up. I am not a dicktit nor do I have an dicktits.

So now we've finally really reached the end. I'm going to go now, off to live my satisfying and quiet life. I can't help but feel like I've lost something in the transition from misery and anger to calmness and tranquility. And no, I don't mean my grasp on the English language. I know calmness and tranquility are the same thing, unlike misery and anger. My bad. I'm talking about my personality. I suppose you could say I've lost my edge. Going back and reading my past blog posts, I can see a lot more anger in my words than in the ones I've just typed above this. Maybe it's just a phase. I don't know. Whatever the case you can be sure I'll continue to stick my head in here every now and then with another pointless blog about what I've been doing or a ridiculous rant about something that ultimately will mean nothing in the end. And I'll continue to post comments that don't add much to the discussion on all your blogs. I've got nothing to say.   read


4:54 AM on 07.24.2010  

So you think playing as Al-Qaeda in online Multplayer is cool? Grow up.

I'm not going to bother linking to Hamza's article. You can find it for yourself. Chances are you have already seen it. Instead, let's get straight into this bitch.

So, some assholes think that Hamza is either being a baby, a hypocrite, or trolling for page hits with his article. Apparently it's not OK to have feelings. Whatever. I'm not going to really get into that. What I want to get into is the last part of his article. He talks about how in America's Army everyone plays as an American but sees the other team as an enemy force. Now, I don't think this in particular is the answer to his problem and I don't really care either way. What bothers me is the whole idea of playing online multiplayer as Al-Qaeda in general. I mean, how fucking insensitive can you get? Competitive online multiplayer with a real terrorist organization as one of the teams?

I know what you assholes are thinking:

But EternalDeathSlayer, nobody ever has a problem playing as the U.S. Army or the Nazis or the Japanese. And if we want games taken seriously as an art form then we need to tackle mature subject matter and be mature about these mature subjects in our mature games, otherwise we'll be seen as immature assholes playing kids games. Besides, movies and books feature narratives from the point of view of terrorists all the time.

And you see, that's just fine, at least when it pertains to a fucking story. But when you bring something that has the potential to hit that close to home into online deathmatches, you're just being irresponsible. Hamza is right. You're basically putting an avatar of Bin Laden into the hands of 14 year old kids everywhere on Xbox Live and PSN. Can't you just imagine then now, doing their best arab voice impression whilst shouting about "killing the infidels" and shit like that? Or conversely, can't you just imagine the little shitheads screaming about killing towelheads and shit all day online? There is a lot of hatred out there and a lot of stupidity.

Now, the hatred and stupidity aren't exactly EA's fault. There is nothing they can do about it. But one thing they can do is stop and ask themselves "is this necessary"? Because it's really not. They're basically glorifying an ongoing war for the fun and enjoyment of all of us who plan to buy it. You want to tell a story about the war in single player? A respectful and tasteful story? Fine, go ahead. Hopefully you'll make some progress in this never ending battle to be respected by Roger Ebert. But there really is no need for it to be in multiplayer. It serves no purpose at all.

Besides, who the fuck in their right mind would want to play as Al-Qaeda anyway? Only a dickhead, that's who. Judging by the amount of negative comments posted on Hamza's blog, it seems Dtoid is overflowing with dickheads these days.

P.S. The author of this stupid little rant has been up all night combating the pain of having an abscessed tooth removed today, therefore he is miserable and cannot be held responsible for this blog. Sure, it's not the most thorough or well thought out, but it's RIGHT and that's all that matters, dickheads   read


8:41 AM on 05.31.2010  

Gamers can be so ridiculous sometimes


Picture stolen from the Dtoid front page. Thanks, guys

When did this happen? I know, I know. It's always happened. Young people are clearly just more likely to be the idealistic type, even though what they want and think is usually ridiculous and unrealistic. One day they'll likely grow up and realize how shit works. Then they'll just be replaced by more young fools on another stupid and worthless crusade. It's a never ending cycle of shit. And life goes on. But since I'm bored, I thought I'd humor you with another stupid rant of my own, the difference being that I will use rational thoughts and ideas to explain myself, instead of letting my ultimately meaningless "feelings" get in the way. If only more people would do this sometimes.

Anyway, my "feelings" stem from reading the comments in this story about Call of Duty Black Ops, written by the unflappable-in-the-face-of criticism-about-his-typos Matthew Razak. Give the guy credit, he tries hard. Anyway, if you read the comments on this post you may begin to notice a trend. A few people are perfectly reasonable in stating their dislike for Treyarch developed CoD games. They simply say they don't want to buy it. Cool. Then their are a few like myself who try to tell people to not be so quick to judge something before you try it. And then we have the other people. The idealists whom I mentioned in the first paragraph of this trash. You know, the ones who refuse to buy Activision games because Activision likes money and is therefore an evil corporation. The guys who actually think they're going to make a difference. It's a somewhat admirable pursuit, I suppose, but it's also terribly misguided.

You see, the gaming industry exists for one reason and one reason only: To make a profit. That's it. There is literally not ONE major publisher who is trying to change people's lives, enlighten anyone, or even make somebody happy. They could a rats ass. Even Valve wants to make as much money as they can, as they proved by making an (admittedly great) sequel to Left 4 Dead only a year after it came out. Some companies like Valve do care about fans, but even the support and care they show is all part of keeping customers around so they can spend more cash on the games they sell.

To think you somehow can change this is ridiculous and frankly just plain idiotic. It's also a waste of your time and a great way to end up depriving yourself of some good games over the years. As we've seen, most gamers don't have the cajones to stick to their guns and not buy a game for whatever dumb reason they've cooked up. Even when they do what they said they would, the game they're boycotting is usually a big game like CoD, which means that the game loving but not totally hardcore people out there will end up ruining your big push for change. You see, just like in movies and books, the overwhelming majority of people don't pay attention to the everyday business dealings of large corporations. They just don't care who is getting fucked over, so long as they get to have nice stuff. If they did care, Nike and Apple would be out of business for hiring companies that employ Chinese people for dollars a day to make their products. But nobody cares. Well, some people do, but in general these people are just assholes with way too much free time on their hands. I know, they've got good intentions. I'm sure these video game fans with their ideals and morals are just the same.

Change will come on it's own over time. Eventually people will probably tire of Call of Duty games and stop buying them so much. But that time is not now. The brand is just far too popular for it to suddenly get beat buy a game like Medal of Honor, which hasn't had a good entry in the series in years. CoD games will likely continue to be extremely profitable for Activision for many years to come. People like to point to the Guitar Hero franchise and it's declining sales, and they love to back this up with the fact that Activision flooded the market. Well, I've got news for you. Guitar Hero is a totally different series that caters to a different fanbase than CoD does. Sure, there is probably a large overlap of people who have bought multiple editions of both franchises, but clearly GH is also more popular with the so-called casual crowd. It's a game that anybody can play for fun, whereas CoD has an intimidating control scheme for non-gamers, like most action games do. These people just do not see the need to continue buying new versions of the same game every year, which is actually ironic considering us hardcore gamers are usually the ones crying about the lack of innovation in games. It's just the way it is.

Even if every true blue hardcore gamer actually refused to buy CoD games, it would probably still sell in the range of 5 to 6 million copies this year. The average joe just doesn't give a shit about who made it; They see the name on the box and assume it must be awesome. It's been this way forever, and it's not about to change. So instead of making rash judgments about a game you've never played just because it's developed by somebody else or because it's made by an "evil corporation", why not chill the fuck out, smoke a joint or have a beer, and just roll with it? You don't have to buy this new CoD game. Hell, even I'm not buying it. I'm just not a big CoD fan, and that's fine. But you can bet your ass that if the new Spider-Man game turns out to be awesome, I'll be lining up to give Activision my money. They can have as much as they deserve based on performance, not morals or some other stupid shit like that.

Remember, as the great Gordon Gekko once said, "Greed is Good". Money makes the world go round, and that's something that will never change. Get the fuck over it and leave your heart at the door. You'll be doing yourself a great service.

PS: I wish I had more time for this stupid little rant of mine, but it's a busy morning here at home, what with getting kids ready to go to parties and all that wonderful stuff. That's what life is all about, really. Meeting new people and forming meaningful relationships based on how you're treated, not what people think. We all will disagree with things, but you can't change everything and everyone. Instead of getting angry, just get over it. You'll find you've probably been limiting yourself, something I can never support.   read


1:05 AM on 05.29.2010  

5 Ways To Make People Take Gaming Seriously

So how do we fix the problems plaguing this industry? How do make games a more serious form of media, and how do we get people to take them more seriously? Well, if that's really what you want to do, there's a lot of work to do. Since everybody loves lists, let's count this bitch down.

1. Make real "mature" games.

I would think this one goes without saying, but then I'd probably be wrong. A lot of gamers actually think that these mature games are actually mature when in fact they are probably more immature than your average episode of SpongeBob Squarepants. Take for instance one of my favorite series, God of War. The story here is nothing special. The "hero" Kratos is a maniacal murderer who kills his own family and then decides he shouldn't have to bare the burden of remembering them. Of course, he is somewhat forced down this path by the god Ares, so it's not totally his fault, right? Wrong. It's totally his fault. His appetite for death and destruction was already sky high before he ever bothered making a deal with the God of War. He was an egotistical maniac who thought he couldn't lose a battle, at least until he did lose a battle. So right there this story has no real grounding. It's just a paper-thin excuse to kill lots of guys in increasingly violent (but admittedly bad-ass) and ridiculous ways.


This is obviously the highest of high drama

Defenders love to say the series has depth and that there is a real story here, but that's bullshit. The game is great because it's controls are almost perfect and because it's covered in blood and gore on a larger than life scale. If you can't admit this to yourself, you're likely about 14 years old or just really immature. Now, I'm not saying the game can't be filled with blood and mature at the same time. I'm saying that the story is ridiculous and a load of shit when you get right down to it. The forced sequels make this worse. Most games are like this. Either the story is thin or it's just totally unoriginal. Besides this, killing hordes of nameless enemies doesn't do much emotionally.

2. Make them more accessible

This is nearly impossible for most genres, at least if you want to get good reviews and have the hardcore fans buy your game. You can't have a game be too simple or we'll be on the cblogs bitching about how dumbed down your game is. At the same time, if you make things too chaotic and too complex, you'll scare the sacred "mainstream customer" away within minutes of them picking up the controller. It's a very fine line that developers walk in keeping the right balance. Unfortunately, you'll never get your dad to pick up a controller with 15 buttons on it, not when the last game they played was fucking Pong or Donkey Kong.


It doesn't get much simpler than Pong

The Wii tried solving this, but as we've seen, most of it's library is a bunch of bullshit pandering to the lowest common denominator. Movies are guilty of this too, but even the artsiest of films is still easy to watch. All you've got to do is keep your eyes open. This will likely be a problem for years to come, unless somebody can surprise me and make motion controls both intuitive and fun to use for more than 20 minutes.

3. Make them cheaper

This goes hand in hand with being more accessible, but I'm lazy and feeling kind of hazy so this gets it's own number on the list. Fuck you. Simply put, games are too expensive. You and I may not mind paying 60 dollars for the hot new game that just came out, but you can bet that asshole Joe the plumber minds it. He wants to try new games, but with a family and a mortgage and a car payment bogging him down, he can only afford 2 or 3 games a year. What games will Joe likely buy, you ask?


Like this, but prettier and in 3D

Whatever the biggest game at the time is, of course. So instead of taking chances on indie games and other obscure stuff, he'll just get himself a copy of Generic Shoot People in the Face Game Part 3. Hell, if it's the third game in a series, then that means it's successful, and that must mean it's great, right? It may well be great, but original or innovative it is most likely not. This cheap game thing kind of ties into the next bullet on the list.

4. Make them shorter

I don't want shorter games personally, but until we can spend 10 dollars on a high-end HD photo realistic experience that only lasts 3 hours, lots of people will likely be scared away. You'd be amazed at how many "mainstream gamer types" I know that complain about games being too long. I tell them that they should want the longest and most content packed game possible for their 60 bucks, and they say they'd rather rent a shorter game because they just don't have time for these giant epic RPGs and shit like that.

The author is a bit fucked up and couldn't think of a good example. No picture for you

It seems insane, but it's not really. I mean, movies are generally around 1 hour and 40 minutes on average. That's reasonable and it's certainly not intimidating. Even I myself find that games like Final Fantasy 13 scare me away with their length. As a father and husband, I just don't have the time to invest 70 hours into that hulking monstrosity. Neither does that asshole Joe.

5. Stop selling 3 different consoles

This is the big one. The one everybody hates to hear, including yours truly. I love having 3 consoles to own. I like the competition and how it makes Sony, MS, and Nintendo work that much harder to get my money. But the average asshole usually only has room in his house (not to mention his wallet) for one console at a time.


I own all 3 and really like it this way, but this is getting out of hand

This can limit people's options a lot. Think of your gaming system like a DVD player. You wouldn't like needing a different model to play each of the big movie companies' flicks, right? Right. That would be ridiculous. Of course, I can't see this happening anytime soon, if ever, and I'm personally glad for it. But it would help.

So there. I made a list. I tried hard on this, spending all of 20 minutes writing it while alternating taking shots of vodka and drinking iced tea and smoking cigarettes. I hope you enjoyed your stay at Casa De EternalDeathSlayer, and if you didn't then go fuck yourself.

Just kidding about fucking yourself, honestly man. No, instead discuss! Tell me if I'm wrong and why, I promise I won't bite your head off and chew on your skull. Have a good one, Dtoid.   read


10:49 PM on 05.28.2010  

Do you really care what other people think about your favorite hobby?

Before we begin this bullshit I call a blog, let's go over my situation for tonight. My loving wife has left me alone for the night, having decided to take the kids to her mom's. This is my gift for letting her dyke it out with her lesbian friend last night while I put the kids to bed and then watched basketball and baseball before masturbating and going to sleep. So I've downed two of these Monster Energy Shot things, which are like 3 oz and packed with enough caffeine and vitamin b12 to kill many small animals, and then I followed that up with about half a liter of vodka. But don't worry, I won't make you read some ridiculously slurred typing, because real drunk people don't actually type like morons. Instead I'll make you read this ridiculously ridiculous rant about not needing to be accepted. The idea for this came from reading one Beverly Noelle's blog about the shitty ad campaign Activision has used for Blur. No, I won't link you to it, because that would require more work than I am prepared to do. So sit down, shut up, and find her blog by yourself. It's a good one and worthy of the read, you lazy fuckhead.

Anyway, onto the subject at hand. Acceptance! We all crave it, right? WRONG, bitches. In fact, not craving to be accepted is supposed to be like the fucking hallmark of a truly grown up and mature geek. I thought we were supposed to hate on those so-called "posers" who think they're special because they're popular or well liked? I know, that idea in itself is a ridiculously immature viewpoint from my high school years, but it's still a noble view to have and if you disagree go eat a throbbing cock. Think about it for just one minute. Do you really give two shits if your boss or your parents or that hot chick down the street think highly of your hobby of choice? Well, maybe the hot chick, but the other two? No, you don't. Not if you're a mature adult who is secure in their beliefs and ideals. You shouldn't need some asshole who thinks he's better than you because he "has better things to do than play games because there for kids" to fucking co-sign your opinion. What you think is what you think, and so long as what you believe doesn't hurt anybody, then to hell with the naysayers.

Besides, games will get there in the end. It'll take a long time, mainly because games are too fucking expensive for the true mainstream consumer to buy a lot of them, but also because old people are still alive. One day they will die and you will be the new old person, and if you're a true-blue gamer you'll be supporting your grandchildren and their gaming habits, not grudgingly and regretfully buying them what they want just because you want them to be happy. You'll do it because you know that it's a great way to spend 10 hours of their life not doing bad things like killing people or stealing stuff. Because YOU know that games have value and aren't just a total waste of our time (sometimes). Because you know that games can touch people in ways that other forms of media just can't manage, like the feeling you get when you cut people in half on your 50 inch flat screen, or when you, yes YOU, killed all those giant things to save the one you love.

The point of this is that there really is no point. You don't need one. You don't need validation, you don't need an excuse to enjoy yourself. You can do whatever the fuck you want, If some people think you're immature or lack ambition or some BS like that, tell them to eat a cock sandwich, or even better just forget them and keep playing games. You're just trying to have a good time, and you're not hurting anyone. You don't need somebody to validate your lifestyle.

Anyway, this could be the first of multiple blogs I peddle to you guys tonight, so be prepared for some more crap like this. It'll only get less coherent as the night goes on. You've been warned.

Also, I love you all. You're beautiful.   read


7:10 PM on 05.23.2010  

Will you people grow the hell up?

Look, nobody says you have to like or even enjoy Super Mario Galaxy 2. Nobody is force feeding it to you with a fucking spoon or any other apparatus. Nobody is forcing you to play these so-called "kiddie" games. All we ask is that you show a little fucking respect and stop getting upset that people are enjoying the damn game. I tire of hearing people complain about it's lack of story or it's lack of mature themes, as if ripping people in half and blowing their heads off is really mature subject matter.

When did gaming become like going to the movies? Sure, I can understand you not wanting to see the newest Shrek film, for reasons beyond it's dubious quality. But to hate a game because it's colorful and happy and primarily about having a good time? Now that's immature. It seems a lot of you need some sort of history lesson, one which I'm not going to give you because I've got better things to do. But I will remind you that this great pastime we call gaming did not start with beautiful hi-def graphics and amazingly epic stories to tell. It started with simple shit like preventing a ball from going off the screen with a paddle. Remember Pong? Yeah, that shit was so mature and epic.

It scares me that gamers are seemingly more interested in graphics and stories than actual gameplay. I think we've finally reached that point where we are willing to deal with bad gameplay just to see something that looks cool. That's not to say that games like Mass Effect 2 and God of War 3 are not fun; On the contrary, they are lots of fun. And there is a place for them in the gaming landscape. But let's be honest with ourselves: If we replace the violence and the epic stories and all that shit with "kiddie" stuff and just let those games survive on gameplay alone, nobody would want to play them. Hell, I'm a self-professed God of War fanboy, but even I know that half the satisfaction and fun is derived from the visual reward that accompanies my twirling blades cutting into people. The gameplay is great, but would be merely "good" without the decapitations and all that good stuff.

But in games like Super Mario Galaxy 2, the fun isn't found in the visual rewards. It comes from the perfect mechanics, the simplicity of it all. It's just a blast to play. It doesn't need violence nor a story to be enjoyed by people of all ages. It's gameplay stands on it's own merits, much like Tetris and other classic games from the 80s, including the original Mario games. It's a shining example of the "gameplay over graphics" argument that so many of us champion around here.

I know I'm kind of ranting and raving here, but I only have a few more minutes until baseball starts and I just needed to get this off my chest. If I've got more time later perhaps I'll expand upon these thoughts with more evidence and more clarity.

But for now, don't forget the reason we play games: To have fun. Not to feel like a bad ass or see cool shit, which can be a part of it, but mostly to have FUN.

So go have some fucking fun, and stop bitching about everything. It's immature and childish to judge a game based on what you see. If you don't enjoy Mario after playing it, that's cool. But don't you dare shit on the rest of just because we're mature adults who can enjoy things for what they are.

Note: Don't get offended and be a bitch because of my title. Clearly I don't mean everyone on Dtoid, and I know that some of you are respectful in your comments about not being a fan of Mario. This is for the assholes who think they're more mature because they don't like stuff like this. You know who you are, and you'll probably be miserable close-minded fuckheads for the rest of your life. Oh well.   read







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