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EternalDeathSlayer avatar 2:49 AM on 04.05.2011  (server time)
The chronicles of my strange affection and love for Crysis 2

Hey there Destructoid! How the fuck are ya? That's really swell. Me? I'm great dude. Planning on talking about a game and doing some shameless whoring. What can I say? I can't fucking sleep and I'm bored and lonely. I thought perhaps we could keep each other company. Maybe even indulge in the warm embrace of each others non-muscular arms. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Right then. I've been playing some Crysis 2 lately. I've been having myself a great time with it, too, which surprised the semen out me. Unlike most gamers I encounter, I'm not a big fan of single player campaigns in FPS games. I'm usually far more interested in the online aspects of the FPS genre, something that is no doubt attributable to the fact that I'm a dad and have limited time to game. It's more accessible to me due to it's pick up and play nature and lack of investment in a story I might not be able to continue for a week due to obligations like sleeping with my overweight wife and then watching a movie with her. Of course, that's not the only reason. There's also masturbating to attractive women (Gotta get mine!). Oh, and the things in the next paragraph too.

Usually the stories in single-player bore the fucking shit out of me. The characters are often dumb fucking meat heads with bad senses of humor that just seem absolutely fucking desperate to try and shock you or get you pumped with their macho attitude. Of course they're also sometimes just boring or unoriginal. There's more reasons, but some I just can't really explain. I just can't get into most FPS games, except of course for Bulletstorm (See? Told you there would be shameless whoring). No Call of Duty for this overworked and stressed out waste of space.

But the strange thing is, Crysis 2 isn't exactly innovative. It's mostly the same old shit. Guns shoot, people and aliens die. The story is really throw-away, generic shit. The main character isn't a dumb-ass or annoying, but that's because he's silent. Really, this is probably for the best. I highly doubt he'd have anything to say that I'd want to fucking hear. But regardless of my feelings towards the boring main character and the cookie-cutter, stenciled in story, I love the gameplay. I like that I've got a lot of fucking options at my disposal most of the time, like a sandbox game, but that it's focused and pretty much linear throughout the game. I also kind of like using the powers, lame as they really are when I stop and think about it.

I mean, turning invisible and being bulletproof are cool, I guess, but the idea of them in my mind sounds lame. Whatever the case, I do enjoy sneaking around and stabbing bitches, or shooting them with the silenced shotgun. I've kind of found some enjoyment in the actual management of my suits powers. I'm playing on Veteran, which is like hard mode, not very hard, and the suit doesn't last long. Damage drains the armor, and using a weapon or walking usually drains the cloak, as does sprinting. So sometimes, although not always, you'll have to actually consider more than just whether or not to stay in cover or pop up and shoot. I don't know. I like it, for whatever reason. The outcome usually feels good. It's bizarre how much satisfaction I get out of killing dudes in this game. I can't really piece it all together, but there I am, playing the fucking game every chance I get. You should give a it a try if you get the chance.

Basically, I enjoy it because it has a good amount of checkpoints that save the game, and because it requires no real investment in the story. Of course, the gameplay is also rather enjoyable, and that is of course the most important fucking part of the equation when it comes to video games.

Anyway, like my Bulletstorm (again!) post, this isn't really a review. Those require too much sustained mental effort, something my old shrink used to tell me is hard for people like me. Whatever that meant. Guy was creepy anyway. He asked me if I ever tried my own jizz. He said this was normal and that he had done it when he was a teen. He did this while wearing that hat Jewish people wear. But that's a story for another time. Hopefully I'll get my new TV soon, and we can meet up and talk some more. I always enjoy our little chats. It's been real guys. Goodnight.

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