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EternalDeathSlayer avatar 11:31 AM on 01.30.2011
Attaining enlightenment through videogames (or what I've been up to lately)

Hello there Destructoid. How's it hangin'? It's been a while since we last spoke, and things have changed quite a bit since then. The wife no longer plays World of Warcraft. We got a Kinect for Christmas. I turned my Wii on for the first time since [/i]New Super Mario Bros[/i] and then I kept it on. I played the Bulletstorm demo. Things have changed.

Of course, the more things change the more they stay the same, and the evidence of that is that instead of ignoring each other to play different games, we play Halo: Reach just about every fucking day. Some of you older Destructoiders might remember that my wife would torture me with Halo 3 on a nightly basis when she wasn't playing WoW. We're doing the same thing, except this time it's not torture. We have a lot of fun and it hasn't gotten old like Halo 3 did. This has unfortunately cut into my time with single player games, but that's OK for now. It sure beats sitting around telling you about how awful my wife's addiction to WoW is or what a bitch she is for it. You could almost say I feel happy, although a better word might be satisfied. Shame we can't say the same for my penis.

But anyway, you didn't come here to read the screenplay for the latest Lifetime Original Movie. You came to read the musings of an omnipotent videogaming God from another dimension. I can help you with that. You too can attain enlightenment and satisfaction in your life. The first step is to continue reading this blog.



You'll remember I mentioned that my family and I got a Kinect for Christmas. My wife thought it would be a nice surprise for us, with "us" being myself and the evil demon spawns sent from hell, otherwise known as my children. And as it turns out, it has been a nice surprise. I honestly thought that the entire concept behind Kinect was doomed to failure. While failure down the road is still possible, for now I must say that I'm pretty impressed with what the technology offers. We've had a blast having friends over to play stuff like Kinect Sports and Dance Central (Spoiler: I am a terrible dancer). And the kids really like Kinectimals for 30 minutes at a time or so. It's been nice having it. And of course it's always fun to whip your penis out and see if you can see it in the Kinect Tuner, right? Right? Anyway, the only problem so far is that there is nothing that I'd play by myself. When they can give me something compelling to play single-player, then they'll really have my attention. Until then, I will continue to beg my wife to sit on my cock in front of it so we can see if it sees me inside her. She will continue to look at me like I'm a stranger and say "Get the fuck out of here". Yeah, I went there.



Going back to the beginning again, you'll once again recall that I also spoke about turning the Wii on. I received a copy of Donkey Kong Country Returns and a copy of Epic Mickey for Christmas. From my mom. Anyhow, I've spent the majority of my time with my old pal Donkey Kong. The game is fantastic. There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. I suppose you could whine a bit about having to shake the remote and all, but I honestly don't mind. My arms can handle it. They do a lot of jerking motions throughout the week. This is gaming at it's purest. No bullshit. No gimmicks. Just fun. I can't really argue with that. On the other side of the fence is Epic Mickey. Here's a game I really want to like. I like most everything I've seen so far in my limited time with the game, but the camera is so fucking atrocious that I can already tell I might not even finish this game in the end. Either that or I'll end up puking all over my Wii. It's a shame, but it is what it is. We'll always have Disney World. It stays awesome forever.



And now we get to the end of my this boring but insightful post. Let's talk about Bulletstorm, AKA the Best Game Ever Made AKA Sex with your mom last night. It was awesome. I must have played it 13 of 14 times since I downloaded it. I continue to find new ways to hurt people for more points, but I still can't seem to get everything I know into one playthrough. I am topping out at around 7000 points so far. I will likely continue to try and get at least 10,000 for as long as takes, or at least until the game comes out. It's that good. My wife even enjoys watching me play it. You can't argue with that shit. I'll definitely be picking this one up. I am not a dicktit nor do I have an dicktits.

So now we've finally really reached the end. I'm going to go now, off to live my satisfying and quiet life. I can't help but feel like I've lost something in the transition from misery and anger to calmness and tranquility. And no, I don't mean my grasp on the English language. I know calmness and tranquility are the same thing, unlike misery and anger. My bad. I'm talking about my personality. I suppose you could say I've lost my edge. Going back and reading my past blog posts, I can see a lot more anger in my words than in the ones I've just typed above this. Maybe it's just a phase. I don't know. Whatever the case you can be sure I'll continue to stick my head in here every now and then with another pointless blog about what I've been doing or a ridiculous rant about something that ultimately will mean nothing in the end. And I'll continue to post comments that don't add much to the discussion on all your blogs. I've got nothing to say.

 
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