Yes, that title was clearly a desperate plea for your attention, something I used to care dearly about. These days I've got so much going on in my life that I really don't have a lot of time to spend with you. I know, I know, none of you even know who the hell I am anymore. But I used to write good blogs that people read and commented on. I used to feel good about myself knowing that somebody gave a rat's ass what I thought about the games I played or the current events within the industry. I've wanted that feeling again for a long time, but life kind of got in the way. Besides that, knowing that my kids worship me like a God makes me feel way better than you great people could! BTW, that was a compliment.

So today I find myself with some spare time. Lots of it, in fact. My poor wife, the one I usually talk massive amounts of shit about in this blog, is still in the hospital. She's going to be OK, although she may need to change her diet for the rest of her life. She's got some issues down in her stomach area. I don't know why, but it's somehow related to having a C-Section. I really don't know. I'm so busy and she's so drugged up that sometimes I feel like there's some information I'm missing. Whatever. As long as they tell me she'll eventually be fine, that whatever. So anyway, here I am, alone. The kids are with their grandmother because I work nights and need sleep during the day. But enough about all that, on to the big news!

Kobe Alexander Wayne (Last name withheld) was born on October 29th at 10:54 PM. He was 19 inches long and weighed about 7lbs 3 oz. He was 2 weeks early because his mother slipped and fell in the snow while walking up the driveway! While scary when it happened, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My wife had been begging the doctors to take the baby out of her for a week by that point and she was just totally miserable. So it all worked out well in that regard. Obviously not everything worked out perfectly, but it was cool at the time!

So now I sit here, alone, with no kids and nothing to do. For some odd reason, playing a game doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I've had Uncharted 3 since the day it came out and still have no laid a finger on it! Of course, Uncharted is a special game for my wife and I, as it's the only game she enjoys watching me play. So I've decided to wait until she comes home, difficult as it is to do so. I really want to see what happens to Nathan Drake next! Besides that, I've got Skyrim sitting around waiting for me. Oh, and a ton of Riddler Trophies and challenge maps in Arkham City. So many games to play and so little time!

To be honest, there's one game I'm more interested in above all others. One game I won't wait to play. That game would be The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword! After reading a metric fuck-ton of reviews, I am totally fucking pumped for this entry in the Zelda series. I hear it's a bit more linear than past games, which sounds like it's really right up my alley. As I get older, I find myself preferring to have my hand held in regards to what do next in a game. I can't stand getting lost or not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. Not that Zelda was ever confusing, but it's always been a bit sprawling and intimidating.

Anyway, that's all I've got right now. Sorry for the crappy writing, but as always I never edit my blogs nor do I spend more than 15 minutes writing them. My mind is all over the place, so this is what you get.

Don't say I never gave you anything! See you around, Dtoid.

Hey there Destructoid! How the fuck are ya? That's really swell. Me? I'm great dude. Planning on talking about a game and doing some shameless whoring. What can I say? I can't fucking sleep and I'm bored and lonely. I thought perhaps we could keep each other company. Maybe even indulge in the warm embrace of each others non-muscular arms. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Right then. I've been playing some Crysis 2 lately. I've been having myself a great time with it, too, which surprised the semen out me. Unlike most gamers I encounter, I'm not a big fan of single player campaigns in FPS games. I'm usually far more interested in the online aspects of the FPS genre, something that is no doubt attributable to the fact that I'm a dad and have limited time to game. It's more accessible to me due to it's pick up and play nature and lack of investment in a story I might not be able to continue for a week due to obligations like sleeping with my overweight wife and then watching a movie with her. Of course, that's not the only reason. There's also masturbating to attractive women (Gotta get mine!). Oh, and the things in the next paragraph too.

Usually the stories in single-player bore the fucking shit out of me. The characters are often dumb fucking meat heads with bad senses of humor that just seem absolutely fucking desperate to try and shock you or get you pumped with their macho attitude. Of course they're also sometimes just boring or unoriginal. There's more reasons, but some I just can't really explain. I just can't get into most FPS games, except of course for Bulletstorm (See? Told you there would be shameless whoring). No Call of Duty for this overworked and stressed out waste of space.



But the strange thing is, Crysis 2 isn't exactly innovative. It's mostly the same old shit. Guns shoot, people and aliens die. The story is really throw-away, generic shit. The main character isn't a dumb-ass or annoying, but that's because he's silent. Really, this is probably for the best. I highly doubt he'd have anything to say that I'd want to fucking hear. But regardless of my feelings towards the boring main character and the cookie-cutter, stenciled in story, I love the gameplay. I like that I've got a lot of fucking options at my disposal most of the time, like a sandbox game, but that it's focused and pretty much linear throughout the game. I also kind of like using the powers, lame as they really are when I stop and think about it.

I mean, turning invisible and being bulletproof are cool, I guess, but the idea of them in my mind sounds lame. Whatever the case, I do enjoy sneaking around and stabbing bitches, or shooting them with the silenced shotgun. I've kind of found some enjoyment in the actual management of my suits powers. I'm playing on Veteran, which is like hard mode, not very hard, and the suit doesn't last long. Damage drains the armor, and using a weapon or walking usually drains the cloak, as does sprinting. So sometimes, although not always, you'll have to actually consider more than just whether or not to stay in cover or pop up and shoot. I don't know. I like it, for whatever reason. The outcome usually feels good. It's bizarre how much satisfaction I get out of killing dudes in this game. I can't really piece it all together, but there I am, playing the fucking game every chance I get. You should give a it a try if you get the chance.



Basically, I enjoy it because it has a good amount of checkpoints that save the game, and because it requires no real investment in the story. Of course, the gameplay is also rather enjoyable, and that is of course the most important fucking part of the equation when it comes to video games.

Anyway, like my Bulletstorm (again!) post, this isn't really a review. Those require too much sustained mental effort, something my old shrink used to tell me is hard for people like me. Whatever that meant. Guy was creepy anyway. He asked me if I ever tried my own jizz. He said this was normal and that he had done it when he was a teen. He did this while wearing that hat Jewish people wear. But that's a story for another time. Hopefully I'll get my new TV soon, and we can meet up and talk some more. I always enjoy our little chats. It's been real guys. Goodnight.

Yes, yes I did. And it was an oh-so-awesome fucking time. Every minute of it. Well, to be fair, a few rounds of Anarchy mode, the game's multiplayer option, with people I didn't know who didn't wear headsets, were kind of of lame. But that's maybe 30 minutes of about 55 to 60 hours I've probably played this game. And of those 60 hours, approximately 60 hours of it was a fantastic and fun-filled time.

I'm sure some of you have played the game and are wondering how I could possibly spent that much time on it. And believe me you, I totally fucking understand where you're coming from if you feel that way. Usually I'm the guy sitting here trying to fathom how anybody could spend so much fucking time with one particular game. For the most part I just beat games and move on, or play multiplayer and never even bother with the campaign or story. But Bulletstorm is different.

You see, unlike most FPS games, BS (as it will be called from here on out) has a great little thing called Echoes. Sure, some games have a "Firefight" type mode, but that's different. That's just waves of increasingly difficult enemies. In BS, you'll be going through a level with the same enemies in the same spots every time. Some might say it seems like a recipe for boredom and staleness and all that other shit. But it's not. It takes the satisfaction derived from killing people in violent ways and mixes it with the satisfaction of getting a higher score than your previous tries. It's basically melding new-school gaming with old-school sensibilities and then covering it in blood and immature humor (my favorite type of humor in games).



Now ordinarily I'd probably play each level a few times and then move on with my life. But not this time. I played each level 10s if not 100s of times each. Why? The answer is simple: I'm actually pretty good at this game, unlike just about every other game that features leader boards. I've been ranked as high as 180 in terms of Total Score, which is all levels combined. I've been ranked as high as 5th in individual levels, especially when the game was first released, and even as high as the 20s and 30s weeks after release. Now? Who knows. Haven't played in a few weeks. The wife had me playing Halo:Reach with her and now I've got Crysis 2 to fool around with for a while. But I do plan on going back to this game again, something I almost never do. I've got a Very Hard play through that I'm about 3/4 of the way done with, and I know that once I fire the game up I won't turn it off until I best one of my current high scores. The game is just that fucking addictive to me.

Now, before you all say "Nobody gives a fuck about your BS skills (pun intended) you dork", I'm not trying to brag. One can hardly brag about something of this sort unless they're in the top 10 or something like that. I'm merely attempting to show you why I enjoy the game so much. Of course, it's not just the addictive nature of the game. It's a blast to play in general. The story, while somewhat light and not really thought-provoking or well nuanced, is expertly paced and wonderfully written. You'll find yourself laughing a lot, unless you're a tight ass or an old man who watches Fox News, and you'll probably even care a bit about the characters, which I found impressive. It's hard to make me care about a guy who drinks constantly and gets extremely excited for what he calls "Murder-time!". I mean, guy's practically a sociopath. But your companion Ishi is a nice counter to the insanity that is Grayson Hunt.



Now, this isn't really a review, because reviews require thought, and this took about 20 minutes to write, and that's including the giant shit break I took in the middle (Sausage sandwiches, beer, hash and baseball will do that to you). I just felt like telling you guys my thoughts, even though my previous blog (shameless self-promotion FTW) claimed I'd probably save my expanded thoughts on BS for a dual-review of it along with Crysis 2. But my wife is watching Young Victoria and I'm not really down with that, so here I am, infecting your C-blogs, clogging up your interwebs with my bullshit. That's just how it goes. Life isn't always fair.

But worry not, dear Destructoidians. For now it is time for my comeuppance: My wife is making me watch Resident Evil:Afterlife on Blu-Ray with her. She bought it today in anticipation of the arrival of our 3D TV. I assume it has an extra disc with the 2D version or whatever. I dunno. She bought the 3D copy. And of course, this means I'll also be watching it again in 3D sometime in the future. I actually don't mind the other RE movies, as I'm not a purist and can separate the campy, B quality movies from the campy, B-movie like games, which while more coherent and better written, aren't exactly going to win awards for their stories or dialogue either. The films aren't good, but I usually get some laughs out of how stupid they are. But this one looks worse than the others, which didn't seem possible.

I'll stop bothering you now. Good night, fair kingdom of Destructoidia. Sleep well.

Hey there, Destructoid. How's it hanging? Probably not as low as my penis, but that's probably for the best. I notice that there has been a lot of hub-bub about the 3DS lately, and 3D in general seems like it's starting to take off, albeit slowly. So, like any good consumer whore, I decided to pony up and get with the fucking future.

Apparently, the future is expensive. I recently became the proud owner of a Nintendo 3DS, in ugly Aqua Blue or whatever they call it. It's fucking hideous and looks like a toy. But that's really besides the point. The real question for non-owners is: Is it any good? Well, of course it is. It's made by Nintendo. It's a high quality product as usual, with it's build quality being unmatched by almost any portable electronic device besides Apple's iThings. My wife and I had great fun taking 3D pictures of my penis. That was cool. 3D vaginas? Not so much. Ugh.

But what about the games? Well, ask somebody else because I don't own any of them.

Nope, not a one. I just can't find anything that really interests me in the launch line-up. I don't need another Street Fighter game. I already own it on the iPad and the fucking Xbox 360, not to mention the never played copy of Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 for the PS3. After that I just don't see anything worth 40 dollars.



And that's perfectly fine with me. You see, I don't play games on the go. Certainly not at work, and certainly not while driving my car in horrible New Jersey traffic. I'm mainly excited about the 3DS because it seems like the perfect marriage of Nintendo's drive for innovation and Sony's drive for high technology. Sure, the graphics aren't up to par with today's consoles, except for maybe the Wii, but seeing as how it's capable of making nice looking Resident Evil games, it's got more than enough power for me. In fact, the first game I plan to buy is Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D, unless the Zelda remake comes out first. I'm also excited to be able to play something like Super Mario Galaxy in 3D, even if it's just a remake.

I see good things in the future ahead. Hopefully I won't be disappointed. But just in case I am, I also bought something else the other day: A 3D TV



If you click the link, that's the actual model I ordered from Crutchfield. I took a trip to Best Buy to see the model, just to check it out. Would never buy it from them because I don't buy things from Best Buy, but it was a very nice TV. They did not have a 3D demo set up for this particular model, but the 2D image is among the best I've ever seen in it's price range. Customer reviews around the web say the 3D is good, so I decided to roll the dice and give it a shot. It'll be here in 5 to 10 business days!

Unfortunately, unless I want to spend 300 to 500 bucks on a starter kit, I'll be waiting a few weeks to actually see anything in 3D. You see, those instant rebates they offer that give you 2 pairs of glasses and a few movies for free are all on backorder. It's unfortunate, but I'm willing to wait instead of spend even more money. Whatever. First thing I'm doing is trying out Crysis 2, Resident Evil 5: Gold Edition, and Killzone 3 in fucking 3D. After that, I'll be picking up a copy of the 4 disc Tron: Legacy 3D Blu-Ray set.



Why Tron? Sure, the movie is almost pure fluff and practically incoherent, or at least ridiculous, but damned if it ain't fucking gorgeous. It's actually the first movie I saw in 3D in the theater. It's easily one of the prettiest movies I've ever seen, and I can't wait to see it again in my house.

Other than all that, yeah, I've been playing Crysis 2 a lot. I'm almost done with it. It's a great game, surprisingly. I'd rather not delve too much into the details right now. Perhaps a dual-review of it along with my favorite game so far this year, Bulletstorm, sometime in the future? Maybe. Probably fucking not. Besides, all you need to know about BS is that it's fucking awesome. Buy it if you haven't already. More than likely I may get on here and let you know how the 3D TV experience goes, whenever the glasses and 5 free movies show the hell up.

So long for now, Destructoid. You're always in my thoughts....

Hello there Destructoid. How's it hangin'? It's been a while since we last spoke, and things have changed quite a bit since then. The wife no longer plays World of Warcraft. We got a Kinect for Christmas. I turned my Wii on for the first time since [/i]New Super Mario Bros[/i] and then I kept it on. I played the Bulletstorm demo. Things have changed.

Of course, the more things change the more they stay the same, and the evidence of that is that instead of ignoring each other to play different games, we play Halo: Reach just about every fucking day. Some of you older Destructoiders might remember that my wife would torture me with Halo 3 on a nightly basis when she wasn't playing WoW. We're doing the same thing, except this time it's not torture. We have a lot of fun and it hasn't gotten old like Halo 3 did. This has unfortunately cut into my time with single player games, but that's OK for now. It sure beats sitting around telling you about how awful my wife's addiction to WoW is or what a bitch she is for it. You could almost say I feel happy, although a better word might be satisfied. Shame we can't say the same for my penis.

But anyway, you didn't come here to read the screenplay for the latest Lifetime Original Movie. You came to read the musings of an omnipotent videogaming God from another dimension. I can help you with that. You too can attain enlightenment and satisfaction in your life. The first step is to continue reading this blog.



You'll remember I mentioned that my family and I got a Kinect for Christmas. My wife thought it would be a nice surprise for us, with "us" being myself and the evil demon spawns sent from hell, otherwise known as my children. And as it turns out, it has been a nice surprise. I honestly thought that the entire concept behind Kinect was doomed to failure. While failure down the road is still possible, for now I must say that I'm pretty impressed with what the technology offers. We've had a blast having friends over to play stuff like Kinect Sports and Dance Central (Spoiler: I am a terrible dancer). And the kids really like Kinectimals for 30 minutes at a time or so. It's been nice having it. And of course it's always fun to whip your penis out and see if you can see it in the Kinect Tuner, right? Right? Anyway, the only problem so far is that there is nothing that I'd play by myself. When they can give me something compelling to play single-player, then they'll really have my attention. Until then, I will continue to beg my wife to sit on my cock in front of it so we can see if it sees me inside her. She will continue to look at me like I'm a stranger and say "Get the fuck out of here". Yeah, I went there.



Going back to the beginning again, you'll once again recall that I also spoke about turning the Wii on. I received a copy of Donkey Kong Country Returns and a copy of Epic Mickey for Christmas. From my mom. Anyhow, I've spent the majority of my time with my old pal Donkey Kong. The game is fantastic. There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. I suppose you could whine a bit about having to shake the remote and all, but I honestly don't mind. My arms can handle it. They do a lot of jerking motions throughout the week. This is gaming at it's purest. No bullshit. No gimmicks. Just fun. I can't really argue with that. On the other side of the fence is Epic Mickey. Here's a game I really want to like. I like most everything I've seen so far in my limited time with the game, but the camera is so fucking atrocious that I can already tell I might not even finish this game in the end. Either that or I'll end up puking all over my Wii. It's a shame, but it is what it is. We'll always have Disney World. It stays awesome forever.



And now we get to the end of my this boring but insightful post. Let's talk about Bulletstorm, AKA the Best Game Ever Made AKA Sex with your mom last night. It was awesome. I must have played it 13 of 14 times since I downloaded it. I continue to find new ways to hurt people for more points, but I still can't seem to get everything I know into one playthrough. I am topping out at around 7000 points so far. I will likely continue to try and get at least 10,000 for as long as takes, or at least until the game comes out. It's that good. My wife even enjoys watching me play it. You can't argue with that shit. I'll definitely be picking this one up. I am not a dicktit nor do I have an dicktits.

So now we've finally really reached the end. I'm going to go now, off to live my satisfying and quiet life. I can't help but feel like I've lost something in the transition from misery and anger to calmness and tranquility. And no, I don't mean my grasp on the English language. I know calmness and tranquility are the same thing, unlike misery and anger. My bad. I'm talking about my personality. I suppose you could say I've lost my edge. Going back and reading my past blog posts, I can see a lot more anger in my words than in the ones I've just typed above this. Maybe it's just a phase. I don't know. Whatever the case you can be sure I'll continue to stick my head in here every now and then with another pointless blog about what I've been doing or a ridiculous rant about something that ultimately will mean nothing in the end. And I'll continue to post comments that don't add much to the discussion on all your blogs. I've got nothing to say.

I'm not going to bother linking to Hamza's article. You can find it for yourself. Chances are you have already seen it. Instead, let's get straight into this bitch.

So, some assholes think that Hamza is either being a baby, a hypocrite, or trolling for page hits with his article. Apparently it's not OK to have feelings. Whatever. I'm not going to really get into that. What I want to get into is the last part of his article. He talks about how in America's Army everyone plays as an American but sees the other team as an enemy force. Now, I don't think this in particular is the answer to his problem and I don't really care either way. What bothers me is the whole idea of playing online multiplayer as Al-Qaeda in general. I mean, how fucking insensitive can you get? Competitive online multiplayer with a real terrorist organization as one of the teams?

I know what you assholes are thinking:

But EternalDeathSlayer, nobody ever has a problem playing as the U.S. Army or the Nazis or the Japanese. And if we want games taken seriously as an art form then we need to tackle mature subject matter and be mature about these mature subjects in our mature games, otherwise we'll be seen as immature assholes playing kids games. Besides, movies and books feature narratives from the point of view of terrorists all the time.

And you see, that's just fine, at least when it pertains to a fucking story. But when you bring something that has the potential to hit that close to home into online deathmatches, you're just being irresponsible. Hamza is right. You're basically putting an avatar of Bin Laden into the hands of 14 year old kids everywhere on Xbox Live and PSN. Can't you just imagine then now, doing their best arab voice impression whilst shouting about "killing the infidels" and shit like that? Or conversely, can't you just imagine the little shitheads screaming about killing towelheads and shit all day online? There is a lot of hatred out there and a lot of stupidity.

Now, the hatred and stupidity aren't exactly EA's fault. There is nothing they can do about it. But one thing they can do is stop and ask themselves "is this necessary"? Because it's really not. They're basically glorifying an ongoing war for the fun and enjoyment of all of us who plan to buy it. You want to tell a story about the war in single player? A respectful and tasteful story? Fine, go ahead. Hopefully you'll make some progress in this never ending battle to be respected by Roger Ebert. But there really is no need for it to be in multiplayer. It serves no purpose at all.

Besides, who the fuck in their right mind would want to play as Al-Qaeda anyway? Only a dickhead, that's who. Judging by the amount of negative comments posted on Hamza's blog, it seems Dtoid is overflowing with dickheads these days.

P.S. The author of this stupid little rant has been up all night combating the pain of having an abscessed tooth removed today, therefore he is miserable and cannot be held responsible for this blog. Sure, it's not the most thorough or well thought out, but it's RIGHT and that's all that matters, dickheads