It's Friday Night Fights. Me and the homies of Destructoid are playing some Team Fortress 2. Naturally, I'm owning the newbs, especially Yashoki. But while ownage may be fun, it does get old after a while. So I thought to myself, Hmm, Eschatos, what would be a way to level the playing field for these mere humans, so that my godlike skill does not instantly defeat them every time. And being such a natural genius, my mind answered me. It said "You should take the path of honor, and go Melee only." I announced my intention to the trembling masses, and was greeted with adulation and praise. Except for one guy, forgot who, who reminded me of the correct spelling of Honuor. Thank you whoever. My decision was quite fortuitous, as we had just embarked upon a map change... to Granary. As those of you knowledgeable about the game may know, Granary is a pretty open map. And as you also may know, the Code of Honuor pronounces that it is ungentlemanly to play Spy or Scout when going melee only. So naturally, to give others a chance, I chose Sniper. Wielding my machete, with trepidation and pride, I embarked upon my quest, whether for good, or for evil.







Turns out, my strategy was not as sucessfull as I had planned. The red team was composed of ungentlemanly douchebags who, when I challenge them to Honuorable combat, simply start shooting at me. The only one even close to obeying the sacred laws of Honuor was Luca_Shoal. But he was a spy. To gain more pwnage, and reclaim my lost lofty position, I switched to demoman, ready to combat with a bottle of whiskey instead of a plastic machete. In short, my combat was Honuorable, and theirs was not, yet I still prevailed, for three blood-soaked kills of whiskey-ey death. Finishing the round with three kills, and eight deaths, I exclaimed these words that shall live on through the annals of history:

"Melee only FUCKING SUCKS."






Ladies, Gentleman, and Others, this has been a clog from Eschatos. If you didn't like it, please direct all complaints here: