Soooo... It's been a while.

For the uninitiated [read: all of you], every so often I pull a review out of my ass that I wrote damn near 4 years ago for everyone to giggle at like little school girls with tentacles tickling their girlish loins.
I'm not willing to commit to a deadline anymore, as I NEVER MAKE IT... EVER. So for the first time in a long time, here's another slanted opinion on video games.
For your own sake, please remember that nothing has been edited.

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This won't be easy, but it'll damn well be fun...most of the time.

December 20, 2003 - Opening Comments:
Sam Fisher is the man, he doesn't take "no" for an answer, only "maybe"s and full sentences.

Story:
You're Sam Fisher. Your mission? To stop a government conspiracy. How? By any means necessary. This will be no easy task, but it will be mostly enjoyable.

Gameplay:
The controls in this game can sometimes confuse (in the XBox version you shoot with the little black button), but always come through when you need them, because all the other buttons are busy doing other things. The game starts you an a tutorial, where you can learn the tricks of the trade, like how to move your head left and right, and up and down, and you know you need that! Ok, Seriously, the gameplay is brilliant, and Sam moves and acts like a pro... because he is one, but that won't stop you from dying a few times.

Graphics:
There's no shortage of beauty in Splinter cell...except for the peoples hands, what's up with that? Their fore-finger and middle-finger are super-glued together as well as the other two, it's kinda creepy. But that doesn't hold back the rest of this game from having beautiful lighting and sound. And the level design is superb. I'd say this is one of those games only Halo 2 will beat...or Ninja Gaiden.

Sound:
Don't get me wrong, I like what little music is in this game, and the sound effects are great, I just want to know why you'd put any music in if the rest of the game was going to be "SSSSHHHHHH, don't let them hear your radio!" All right, they don't play when you're trying to listen for baddies walking your way, or any other "I NEED QUIET" moment, so I won't argue with Ubi Soft on this one.

Closing Comments:
Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell is #8 on my "Must-buy or you're a loser" list.

-- Terry B. | Eques_Ardor

Presentation: 5/5
Beautiful graphics, beautiful lighting, and beautiful sound, earn this one a platinum in my books. There isn't even any slow-down during the entire game, and That's what I like.

Graphics: 5/5
Oooooooooooooooooooooo *seizure*. 'nuff said. Please note that this game does not cause seizures.

Sound: 4/5
Ubi Soft does a nice job (most of the time) to give you that "I'm sneaky, and they don't know I'm here" ambience. There ARE however, some issues with not putting in enough music to make you feel like "OMG I gotta get out of here" in escape missions, but I don't think I can warrant this anything less.

Gameplay: 3.5/5
Grrrrrrrr, you stupid black button...why couldn't you be a trigger instead? Yes, that black button (especially on the original XBox controller) is quite bothersome, who would think of putting the fire button there anyways? Bad Ubi soft, I hope you change the control scheme for the next one, because this makes me cry...ok, well not cry, but dislike fire-fights in this game...Oh wow, I shot him in the head, yahoo. After you finally get someone down, this is where things get interesting, the controls work For you! It's easy to figure out what button you can press to pick up the body, and toss it into the dark, or drag them over to shadow, and hope he isn't found. Ok, the fire button is a minor thing, and I'm not known for my general playing skills, so I'll raise the grade to a 3.5.

Lasting Appeal: 4.5/5
Can you say, "Hey, I've done this already"? Good, now throw it into the trash compactor, because this isn't as repetitive as one might think a stealth action game might be. It's usually just hit and run over and over in other stealth games, but here, you have objectives, so you have a REASON for hitting and running. This game does go a little stale after 10 hours, but 3/4 of that 10 hours will be pure fun. There's no reason not to buy this game, unless you don't like stealth. buy it!

OVERALL: 4.5/5(not an average)

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I often wonder just what kind of wonderful acid trip I was on back when I wrote these...

I love how I raised the gameplay score just because I was apparently retarded, wherein I should have complained that the game wasn't easily accessible to the mentally challenged.