It’s no secret that video games are nearly the sexiest thing to exist on our planet. I say nearly because clearly that honor goes to the plastic mess that was Michael Jackson. Seriously, the guy resembled processed cheese more than he did a person. Excuse me, I didn’t mean to veer away from the matter at hand- the matter of asses. The following is an in-depth look at what I believe are the finest asses in video games. Lubricant not included.

Donkey Kong


Oh, Donkey Kong. When you burst onto the scene in 1981 I was still the figment of a twelve year old girl’s imagination, but that didn’t stop me from noticing your fine behind. I watched the way you shimmied up that ladder, your ass cheeks pulsating in the dim lighting of that famous warehouse, my unit throbbing in unison to the beat of your hairy bongos. Yes, your ass and I have had a romance since before my emergence into the world, so it is only fitting that you are on my list.

Let’s look at the positives here. For one thing, Donkey Kong’s fine silky hair provides a natural stimulant for the prospective explorer. He also spends what is close to an eternity climbing ladders and lifting what I am going to assume are five hundred pound barrels over his head, so you know the ape has stamina. Nintendo has seen fit to shrink his ass with each new video game, but that does little to still my memory of this hulking beast. Donkey Kong will let you rock to his jungle beat late into the night and you’ll likely pass out in his meaty arms long before you can satisfy him.

Yoshi


The party has hardly started and we’ve gone from fucking a gorilla to fucking a dinosaur. I hope you’re wearing protection. Yoshi is a creature that can instantly eat anything, digest it, and form it into watermelon sized egg. He then shoots this egg out of his ass hard enough to send it bouncing away. Take a second to process this. Still with me?

Yoshi is capable of stretching his rectum from non-existence to the size of a watermelon in seconds, meanwhile feeling no pain and God knows how much pleasure. How could you not want to get up on that sweet dinosaur derrière? Not only that, but as footage from Super Mario Galaxy 2 shows, Yoshi can stretch his incredibly long tongue in different directions; meters away from his body. Are you following me? Yoshi can simultaneously control the size of his rectum while stretching his tongue over his back and around yours. In short, Yoshi is a sexual deviant that parents should keep their children far away from, and men and women of all creeds and colors flock to him for their sick, sexual needs.

Navi


We are brought to the last ass of your list, the ass of Navi. Although her form is never revealed in the Ocarina of Time, my imagination has seen it, and since what I think is clearly more important than fact, her ass is the finest of all video game asses. When you see this thing, your brain will melt.

Jim Sterling


Well, the title does say the finest asses in video games, so it’s only fitting that video games most controversial writer make this list. For those of you who haven’t seen it, Jim Sterling’s ass is a sight to behold. When each of the blubbering cheeks is spread apart, a blackened glory hole is revealed; a single piece of dark matter that threatens to devour the entirety universe if not satiated. Being the incredibly biased creature that Jim is, he’ll often foam at the mouth and call you Nicole Wiebe, the sick fuck.

It should also be noted that the thing suspended between Sterling’s sagging man boobs and his lower jaw resembles an ass, and could be a viable candidate for further dipping. Upon request, I hear Jim will adorn his famous monocle, and if you’re lucky, his ass will as well.