[Disclaimer: This blog does not represent the views or opinions of Enkido as he exists in a sane state and he cannot be held responsible for the content expressed in this article. For real, he has a nerd boner big enough to club an elephant to death right now. Also, scary title huh? Also also, cocks.]

What, you thought these were done? So yeah, E3 is a thing that happened recently, and more recently ended. It was great wasn't it? I wouldn't know, I missed it. All of it. While you were all reveling in the glory that is E3 I was working overtime trying to ship aerospace parts to a rather displeased group of Rolls Royce and Pratt & Whitney manufacturers, taking summer classes, cooking dinner, and trying to get enough sleep to rinse and repeat for four days strait. Long story short life is a heartless bitch sometimes and I have not been able to get any news coming out of E3 until Friday, when it was over. But times are good now. I just recently finished watching the press conferences for the big three and am now ready to spew my opinions so vehemently as to put an ignorant, drunken, sorority pledge to shame.

What does this mean for those of you reading this, other than the fact that the warning in my disclaimer is very real? It means that you get to relive the hype (and crushing disappointment) of E3 all over again, unabashedly and without that overrated temperance like reason, hindsight, or comprehension everyone seems to like. Onward to the hype!

Microsoft
Note: Doesn't include the Kinect Conference, my dvr fuffed up and I didn't get to see it.

Call of Duty: Black Ops

I am a little confused. For some reason this just looked ugly and unimpressive to me. That whole part where they were going through the tunnel just left me completely underwhelmed. The Hind was cool but ultimately this left me with less hype than I had before I saw it. Where is the hype I was expecting?

Call of Duty Map Pack Timed Release

So yeah, that happened. Something tells me this would be more important to me if Black Ops hadn't just failed to impress me and I didn't know that now Kotic has not only been vindicated, but he is wiping his ass with a large pile of exclusive money.

Metal Gear Solid: Rising

THAT WAS AWESOME!!! Very much looking forward to this now. So that's where the hype went.

All exclusive stuff now. Persuade me to get a 360 Microsoft.
Gears 3

That was cool. Gears hasn't been able to interest me since I lost my 360 and this didn't convince me to go and get a new one, but good show none the less. Also, four player co-op is cool, but I still want to know what happened to split screen, that is a blog for another time. Also, there's a thing called beast mode that I'm not important enough to see. I'm a bit burned out on Sci-fi shooters at the moment, so I'm not that excited for Gears, Reach, or Killzone 3 for that matter.

Peter Molyneux, I mean Fable 3

Fable is a game that never really interested me. Always a overblown in my opinion, I always thought there were better RPG alternatives out there, most of which are multiplatform.

Kingdoms?

Cool. Will get more excited when I see gameplay.

Halo: Reach

Woah. That was really impressive. Some of you may remember that I had fallen out of love with Halo, but this demo was amazing.

Kinect stuff

Wait, didn't Microsoft already dedicate an entire show to this? Why is it here?



ESPN on 360

Sure why not.

More Kinect Stuff (Wii spo- Kinect Sports, Kinectimals, Kinect Adventures, etc.)

The picture pretty much nails it.

Wii Fi- I mean, Your Shape: Fitness Evolved

This is why I have a gym membership. Pass

Dance Central

Cool looking, but I can Waltz and Tango, so I tend to stick to those.

Star Wars Game

Microsoft: PAY ATTENTION DAMN IT!
Me: Alright, I'm up, I'm up.

Forza With Kinect

I don't really like racing games that much. Adding Kinect doesn't help.

New 360

Wait, Microsoft let Sony develop a console for them? I have definitely seen this somewhere before. Still, it is a sexy machine, no doubt about it. It fixes a lot of problems I have seen with the 360, especially the built in Wi-Fi (it's about time). Didn't hear anything about removable hard drive, but hopefully this will cure the Red Ring stigma for them.

All in all I thought Microsoft's press briefing was a little underwhelming. In the end it didn't make me want to go out and replace my 360 again, even if it is sexy now. It started off cool with some good games, but got boring fast when they stared talking about Kinect, which I still haven't seen a price for. I've seen rumors of $150, but for that much for the games they showed me I have this to say.


Nintendo

Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

Feels like what they wanted Twilight Princess to really be. It was a little buggy, but the release isn't for a while so they have plenty of time to stomp those out. I probably would have started with a more tested title, but still good to see this.

Mario Sports Mix

Mario Sports game, sure.

Wii Party

More fodder for Kinect, a little nervous at this point. Please don't do what you did last year Nintendo.

Just Dance 2

Genuinely worried now.

Golden Sun: Dark Dawn
Regie: "Golden Sun is a game we talked about last year at E3... You haven't heard or seen a lot since then."

Gee, you think. Try NOTHING, and I've been looking. For real when it was announced last year at E3 it was the one slightly redeeming moment from Nintendo's press conference. Then they just stopped talking about it. COMPLETELY.

Well, now that that little tyraid is over, it's all good, they have videos and gameplay that make me all kinds of happy.


End of fangirl rant.

Golden Eye 007

So thats where the splitscreen I was talking about with Gears might go.

Epic Micky

Really interested in this, not quite sold yet but really following it.

KIRBY'S EPIC YARN!!!

I AM CONFUSED AND AROUSED. This may very well be my game of the conference, and maybe even E3. I don't care how much it costs, I want it. This game makes me happy in ways I find hard to describe.

Metroid: Other M

I am looking forward to this with a little skepticism. Nintendo is trusting 3rd party developer to help them with one of their most beloved franchises. I am really curious about how it is going to turn out, but also just a tiny bit worried. Here's hoping they arn't riding the series to its doom.

Donkey Kong Country Returns

Love you Nintendo

3DS

I WANT THIS. That really sums it up. The color of the one they showed looked ugly to me but I am sure it will come in other colors. Also, GOOD GOD is that a lot of support. Only problem is I am going to have to stop myself from getting Golden Sun: Dark Dawn until after the launch of the 3DS.

Kid Icarus

Too... much... happy...

From there, they bring out a bunch of women chained to sexy technology in what will probably be one of the biggest mistakes E3 will ever see. Kidnapping and trade secret theft, awesome.

I loved this conference and I think Nintendo had the most impressive showing this E3 hands down.

After it was over they made me feel like this like this.


This calls for a photoshop.

And some music.


Sony

Before we begin, I would like to address the talking parts of Sony's conference. They did a lot of talking in between games and announcements but the generally managed to hold my attention for the most part. It was clear to me that they really knew how to speak and were well rehearsed. In regards to that, here is this.


On to the games
Killzone 3

It was very pretty and I have no doubt it is going to be a solid shooter, but as I said already I am getting a little burned out on sci-fi shooters. I enjoyed 2, and I think the way the matches changed objectives in the multiplayer was great, but there is only so much unfocused bad guy shooting I can take before I grow tired of it. Also, it was in 3D... which I couldn't see so I felt a little bit like I was missing something.

Some games coming out in 3D

Hooray I guess. Don't have a 3D T.V. but will almost definitely end up getting one somewhere down the line. Right now I'm quite happy with my 46' Bravia.

Sorcery & Move

As a game it really isn't my cup of tea, but it shows the potential of use in a game as something other than a novelty.

Tiger Woods 11

Every time I play golf, I feel like I'd be better at boxing. Every time I drive I have a really strong right hook. Also, the miss on the first swing was kind of humorous.

Heroes on the Move

Character Whoring. A motion game staple.

Kevin Butler speech

Got a little chuckle out of it.

Move pricing
Not too terrible. I'm not sold on it so I plan on sitting on it for now. Patching it into older titles was a good move.

Marcus PSP commercials

Looks like Sony's marketing team finally got their mess together. Should get back to the games though, I'm starting to lose focus.

More PSP Games

Feels good man.

More talking, this time about home and replicating the Sony booth, see above impression. I didn't make it to Home but it was a cool thing to do.

LITTLE BIG PLANET 2!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ridiculously excited for this game. I loved the first one more than any other game this gen. This takes everything that was amazing and multiplies it exponentially. This competes with Kirby's Epic Yarn for game of the conference for me. I could talk so much more, but I plan on writing a separate blog all together for it so there's that. As if to spite my years studying writing, this game refuses to allow words to accurately describe my love for it or how excited I am.

Play Station Plus

It seems like they added some cool features with more to come, I need to see more though. I think it was a really smart move to offer three months free, that will make the decision easier.

Medal of Honor

"Unlockable Beards" SOLD. Seriously, with multiplayer by dice it seems like there are plenty of alternatives to Call of Duty nowadays. This is a good thing.

Dead Space 2

Yeah, that is sweet. This is one of my favorite game franchises EA has and this one looks great. Dead Space Extraction special edition is something that makes me more curious about move.

As a side note, so that's where Sony exclusive money was going. I was starting to get curious. It also explains the whole Dante's Inferno speical edition. Money well spent in my opinion.

Portal 2

Well this is a pleasant surprise, though not unexpected in my opinion, Sony has been doing really well lately. More teleporting goodness, hooray. Steamworks is also a huge announcement as well, but I haven't been able to think about just how much yet. Also VP of Sharpening Things, ha.

Final Fantasy XIV

I am about to fail several upcoming semesters. Seriously, it is me and Final Fantasy, you judge.

Mafia II

Cool, but I'm not too excited about this.

Assassin's Creed Brotherhood

Sweet. Also, yet more exclusives.

Jeez, they still aren't done?

Gran Turismo 5

That is a very pretty game. Still, not really into racing, so really a moot point for me. It's about time it got a solid release though.

Infamous 2

Not really a surprise, but I'm still excited and the trailer was good. A little confused on the character redesign though. Same cat as above, and still appropriate.

Twisted Metal

Wait but you said... Oh well, still looks fun.

That does it for Sony's conference. All in all, a really good show. Started off a little slowly, but once they got to the games they reminded me why I like them so much. Got a bunch of cool exclusives to look forward to in addition to 3D, Move, and Play Station Plus. We'll see how it all plays out.

What? You want a video now too? Alright, only because I love you.


FIN.