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Enkido avatar 2:17 PM on 07.18.2010  (server time)
Alternate Reality: The Ultimate Tool

[Disclaimer: This blog does not represent the views or opinions of Enkido as he exists in a sane state and he cannot be held responsible for the content expressed in this article. For real, what? It's not the end of the month. He apologizes for profaning procrastination, feel free to consider him anathema. Also, cocks.]

Blast that infernal alarm! No matter how I tried, it would never allow me to ignore it. I made sure that was the case. I finally decided to give into its shrill demands and rose from my bed. I hit the alarm, finally silencing the only tone on my phone annoying enough to demand my awakening. It was all I used my phone for anymore, and I only had it because I lacked a dedicated alarm clock and still had my phone, no matter how much its primary function had been so utterly obsoleted and I cancelled my plan quite a while ago. The clock on the phone said that I had less than 15 minutes to get dressed and get to work. A revelation such as this used to send me into a panic, for with a drive of at least 20 minutes I was sure to be late, but such was not the case anymore. Now, such an amount of time was more than enough, almost laughably so. Thanks to The Menu, such things had become trivial.

I opened it up and went to the equipment section. A collared, button up shirt, jeans, socks, and sneakers would suffice. Before closing the menu, I quickly checked under status, hungry and tired just as I suspected. I would have to endure the lethargy, but the hunger was easily remedied. I closed The Menu to find myself garbed in the clothing, taken from my item menu, that I had selected. I walked to the dining room, and pulled up The Menu again. From my items section I selected the dish I had purchased earlier, pancakes, bacon, and orange juice, and upon closing the menu found it waiting for me on the table. Food kept in the item menu never went bad and was always a few simple selections away. After making quick work of breakfast I pulled out my phone to check the time, ultimately a token gesture as the menu had one, but one that had become habit. Less than 2 minutes. I put away the phone and pulled up the menu again, navigating to the quests and mission section, to ensure that I was not forgetting to do anything. It reminded me to feed the dog and having accomplished that, I was ready to go to work just in time.

I opened The Menu again and fast traveled to work. And to think that before it was widely accepted people so vehemently opposed it, despite how much more convenient and efficient it made everything. I still remember what it was like when we didn't have The Menu, everything was so much more difficult. Hell, even menu's that didn't stop time were bothersome, though some still swore by them. I had been going to and from work since long before The Menu was introduced, why should I have to waste time every day traveling to somewhere I had already been? The idea was outdated and unnecessary since the advent of The Menu. Now I only used my car for exploring and after I found somewhere new I would just fast travel to it.

I went into work right on time, and sat at my desk. I pulled up The Menu to check my objectives for the day, and set to work completing them. The objectives menu ensued that nothing that needed to be done went ignored or forgotten.

Noon signaled the lunch hour and checking my status, I knew I was hungry again. I fast traveled to my favorite restaurant and requested a seat for two. I pulled up The Menu again and went to Party. Who did I want to have lunch with today? I settled on my good friend Joe, moved him into my party and closed the menu to find him sitting adjacent from me. He was unsurprised by this notion but scolded me for not letting him finish his conversation. It used to be the case that I would not have time to spend my lunch break with my good friend, but The Menu allowed me to summon my friends to wherever I was with a few simple selections from the party menu. After lunch was over, I removed him from my party and returned to work to finish the remainder of my tasks.

Upon finishing my last task, I was informed that it was indeed payday and all that was left to do was to collect my payment and be done with work for the day. I went into my bosses office and picked up my due, which was automatically added to the total in my menu. We no longer bothered with things like banks anymore and instead left everything to The Menu. Having collected my pay, it was no longer had a reason to be at work and so I fast traveled to the park.

It's relevant, I swear.

Upon arriving at the park, the first thing I noticed was how bright it was. It was, after all 4:00 on a sunny Florida day. I pulled up the menu and went to the configurations. I slid the brightness bar down to a more reasonable and eye friendly level and before closing The Menu, I selected my book from the items list. It was so convenient having everything I owned kept on hand within The Menu. It weighed nothing and I never had to worry about losing anything. I did notice that since I started using it I have been keeping a lot more random shit that serves no purpose but I keep around because I'm afraid I might need it later. Some time later I opened The Menu again to check my status. It was 6:30 and I was hungry again. I also noted that reading my book had raised my intelligence and I was close to the next level. Having some time, I decided to finish up the level until I had a masterful understanding of Machiavelli before fast traveling to the restaurant I had agreed to meet at.

Arriving at the restaurant, I met my girlfriend and added her into my party. While still in the menu, I changed in to something slightly more formal, as this was a fairly upscale restaurant.

I didn't bother checking the relationship status as I already knew it was going to reach the next level tonight. After sharing a romantic dinner, I paid for the meal and we fast traveled to get desert and enjoy it on the beach.

Just as I expected our relationship had leveled up to the point permitting the kinds of things that the catholic church considers unholy outside of marriage. We fast traveled to my apartment and wasted no time. I pulled up The Menu, went to equipment, and with the magic of the unequip all feature we were ready to go. After an exhausting go of it we finally settled down. I was really tired and didn't feel like talking. I knew it was a bad idea and that I might miss something important but it didn't matter to me at the moment. I went to The Menu one last time and navigated to the most handy feature it had. One Skip Cutscene later and I was happily dreaming.

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