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Elsa avatar 11:21 AM on 06.23.2010  (server time)
Fanboy Wars: The Game

There are currently four races of Fanboys in the game: The Microsoft race, the Sony race, the Nintendo race and the Others race.

Now lets move on to the various classes of fanboys (and yes, you may also create your own custom class!)

The Barbarian Class (or Classic fanboy): This is the standard fighter class for most fanboys. It's simple and easy to do, and no knowledge or special skills are needed. Simply ensure that you never spell anything properly, use no facts at all, and praise your system of choice, or hack and slash the competitive system. Xbrick sux!, or " PS3 is for Pussies!!" are simple examples of this style. This Class usually has the powers of Myspace and Facebook pages and has memorized all of the "superpoke" options. The annoying Superpoke moves can be used as a distraction to the text attacks. This is the lowest class of fanboy but is available to most any age or mental disability.

The Necromancer Class (or Retro Fanboy): These fanboys are specific to the Others race and specialize in conjuring up the dead. For them, the Dreamcast, Nintendo 64 or other retro system still rules. Regardless of what you say, they will find a way to show that "for it's time" their console choice was superior.... but nobody really cares!

The Mage Class (or Techno-Fanboy): These Fanboys will amaze and confuse you with their magical discussions about the PS3 3.2 GHz cell processor with seven synergistic processing units and an eight PSE reserved for redundency while the 360 has has three dual-threaded cores handling 6 threads at a time... or the specifics of unified shader architecture verses the RSX non-unified architecture. They delight in summoning those PS3 vs 360 game comparisons citing graphical and performance issues that the average gamer will never notice. Their weapons are their big words and techno-jargon... and the winner in any Mage war is the one that summons the longest post with the biggest words that no one really feels like fighting with an even longer post using even longer words!

The Assassin Class (or Master-Debator Fanboy): The trademark weapon for the Assassin Class is the < cite > tag. They love to quote someone... then assassinate that persons statement with either contradictory information, or just plain personal insults. This class of Fanboy has strong HTML skills and is equipped with links to dubious sources to ensure that they can counter the statements of the other person. They invariably feel that they have won their fanboy battle when the other person types something to the effect of "I'm done here!".

The Thief Class (or Stealth Fanboy): This Fanboy begins each statement with "I own all 3 consoles"... then inserts "but" and one of the following type statements: "I'm on my 3rd replacment Xbox" or "my PS3 gathers dust because Xbox live is a better online service". Their stealthy kills tend to be unexpected and the stab in the back often succeeds as a surprise move.

The Berserker Class (or Flameboy): The flameboy isn't as concerned with proving his or her console choice is superior... they are more concerned with personally bashing anyone who prefers the "other" console - which is whatever console their target currently owns. Personal insults are their weapon of choice and to the Berserker, success is guaged by the size of the ensuing flame war. A win for them is drawing the attention and loathing of others which adds to their MP or health status. Ignoring them completely tends to quickly deplete their health and they usually have to move on to find a different foe.

The Merchant Class (or PC Fanboy): This class is again specific to the Others race. They feel that they are way ahead of everyone else and deride all consoles as inferior and extol the virtues of keyboard/ mouse and the intricate technicalities of video cards, RAM, processor types and other PC technicalities. Frankly, unless you've spend upwards of $2000.00 on your "gaming rig"... you don't count.

The Paladin Class (or Exclusives Fanboy): For these fanboys it all comes down to their religious zeal for a specific game... usually an exclusive game. They live and breathe that game and therefore the console it is on. They know every weapon in SOCOM (and own some of them) or have a Master Chief Bobble Head and a T-shirt that says "You had me at Halo!". They rarely have a significant other... or a social life outside of their clan. They are devoted foes in their zeal to convert you to their religion.

The Bard Class (or non-Fanboy Fanboy): These is a fairly new class. They try their hardest to express no preference for any of the consoles and sing the song that they are all "equal". They often "own all 3 next gen consoles" or alternatively they own no next gen consoles. They profess peace and deride fanboys and say that competition is healthy for the industry. Though they claim adamantly not to be fanboys, in all reality they are still trying to win the battle and convert people to their point of view that all consoles are equal- and they have little patience with anyone who disagrees with them. Just like any other fanboy, they are arrogant in their assumption that "they are right and any other view is wrong", and frankly, they're just indecisive if they own all three and don't have a favorite.

The Monk Class (or Hippie Fanboy): These are peaceful, yet powerful foes usually specific to the Nintendo race. While Micro$oft and Play$tation both have the "s" that can be written as a dollar sign, the Nintendo Wii luckily has no "s"'s! Both $ony and Micro$oft are "evil corporate entities" intent on world domination, while the Nintendo console choice is portrayed as a fun, healthy, family oriented system. While this class is often subject to the continual "wii" joke attacks... they easily overcome this with the rather large size of their... sales.

The Knight Class: This is the person that simply says "I like my PS3" or "My 360 is great!". They are immensely powerful as they simply believe that their system is best for "them". They use the mighty sword of the word "I". Few can argue with such simplicity and the cutting strength of "my personal opinion".

Now that you've determined your race and class (or custom class), you're playing the game. You may be just a casual player... or a hard-core devotee of the game - but most any avid gamer is invariably playing the game. So let's get on to the rules of the game... the first rule is that you are playing the game. The second rule is that you will lose the game. Like any big Massively Multiplayer Online game... the devs keep adding expansion packs with new races, new classes and new weapons. One minute you can beat the PS3 race with the weapon of "no games" and the next minute you look around and that weapon is useless. The game is designed so that no one Race or Class will win the game.

Being a fanboy is natural if you're a gamer... you'll have opinions on the consoles that others don't share. It's as natural as farting or belching. Showing a little bit of fanboyism with an "I love my PS3" is rather like one of those tiny silent releases of gas as you're cruising through the mall... it really doesn't hurt anyone and nobody really notices. Bashing the other consoles is more like dropping a loud smelly fart in an elevator of strangers. They are all going to stop and stare at you and wonder if you're mildly retarded or just blatantly rude. So play the game, but play a decent class and try not to have explosive chilli burrito diarreah of a blog that stinks up Destructoid (otherwise diapers may be required).

WARNING: All fanboys noted in this work of fiction are entirely non-fictional. Any representations or resemblances to real or imaginary people are coincidental and intentional. This blog author was extremely bored and was inspired to write this by RegginBolas who is showing no imagination as a Fanboy and is playing as the Barbarian class. Hopefully he will step up his game a bit and learn how to play some of the more challenging classes of fanboy.
(Next week we will discuss the "Troll game" and the "Elsinator" class.... I won't respond on a trolls attempt to troll me on their own blog, therefore giving them attention... no I'll respond by writing an entire blog inspired by them. It will hopefully provide a mild form of entertainment for others, while I essentially get to call someone out for being a low level fanboy. This, Reggin... THIS is how you troll someone. I at least took the time to find some amusing pictures for my troll blog. Unlike the fanboy game which can't be won... the troll game can be. Your turn. :)

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