I found out a short while ago that an online friend committed suicide. We were part of a small gaming community, but she was also one of the very few people that I occasionally corresponded with via email. We weren't especially close, but we were friends. Her sudden suicide affected many of us in our small gaming community (GAP). She was a talented writer, and an honest and tactful force within the community - often the voice of reason when the community was in turmoil. There have been many blogs written about her as the community struggles to come to terms with what happened and I guess this is more in the realm of a personal blog about... well... being happy.

I keep thinking it over... and she faced many challenges in life that I won't go into here... but one thing that always seemed to elude her was a sense of happiness. Even when she was happy, it was always as though it was such a narrow ray of sunshine... with the fingers of various shadows ready to creep in at any time. It's made me think about happiness in general. I truly think that happiness is the most important thing in life... not making money, nor having a great job, a soul mate or a huge house. I also think that happiness is entirely a state of mind. I think that no matter what challenges life throws at you - you can "choose" to be happy - even if you have a crappy job, a miserable spouse or a terrible illness.

"I'll be happy when..." when I get out of school, when I get a better job, when I get married... no you won't be happy then if you aren't happy now. Don't delay on being happy. Think of 5 good things in your life that you can be happy about right now. Think of the things you can achieve... being a good spouse/parent/child... just being a good person. You don't need to climb mountains, travel or be the best at something to feel happiness in achieving things in life.

For some reason, since her passing, I just can't seem to write a blog, or even read blogs that have depth. Everything seems so trivial compared to the overwhelming thought that each avatar is a real person, with real problems... a person that could suddenly die in real life and disappear forever from the text world of my computer. They might not think they would be missed... but they often would be. I guess the best way to describe it is that all the people that inhabit my computer create a synchronous music. When a person gradually fades away to other sites or other interests, that note is simply not as loud, but it is still there... somewhere. When you learn that somebody died... especially suicide with the usual "why's" and "what if's"... it just creates a jarring note that seems to dominate the music.

My condolences go out to her family and fiancee. It's odd how a "virtual" person can be missed, so I guess one thing I take away from this experience is the impact we have on each other. We're probably not even aware of those that might miss us if we passed on, but it's a wider circle of impact than most of us likely think.

eh... it's hard to explain, but for some reason this blog demands being written in order for me to write about other things. I've half written other blogs, but for some reason I feel the need to write something about her. I don't know why - I guess it's just closure. What I choose to take away from this experience though is the confirmation that I am happy. I have so many good things in my life. I'm so very lucky that I don't have chemical imbalances or mental issues that prevent me from feeling happiness. Happiness is such a simple thing... but something we don't seem to enjoy enough when we are lucky enough to have it - in our current world it's so easy to focus on the bad things in life and not take a moment to just smile and feel happy.

So choose to be happy.