Disclaimer: This is long.

For those of you who have yet to experience the joy of theft, you're really missing out. There's nothing quite like the bracing awakening one experiences upon discovering that they have been robbed. Yes, it is such a treat to bear witness to large gaping void in your various collected possessions and an experience not soon forgotten.

In case you were wondering, yes, this morning I awoke to find several of my things missing, and the back door quite ajar. Luckily, the offending crackheads (I'm assuming) did not take much but what they did abscond with was pricey to say the least. I am now without both my 360 and PS3 as well as my disc of Rock Band and the first disc of Season 1 of Flight of the Conchords. I consider myself most fortunate that they did not make off with my computer as I have had that happen once before and nothing has devastated me as much since, excepting deaths in the family.

Obviously this was an unpleasant morning, but my local police were quite helpful and comforting and I have high (read: naive) hopes that I will see my consoles again. One particular aspect of these events actually amused me somewhat, strangely enough; the thieves decided to just leave the Wii behind, simply pushing it aside to get at everything else. Obviously they aren't familiar with what they could have gotten on eBay.

Ultimately, the most amusing part of this for me was the fact that my Wii was dusted for prints. I don't know why, perhaps I was still in shock, but I couldn't help laughing and feeling like I was in a new series of CSI.



However, my despair over the loss of my beloved consoles soon revealed to me something far more sinister.

Why, I thought, did the foul perpetrators of this nefarious crime not pilfer the Wii? It simply made no sense. They had gone to the trouble of disconnecting it from the display, even going so far as to reposition the television much as it had been prior to their infiltration. Surely the Wii could not have been a difficult item to pack, and ultimately unload. Something was afoot, and the Wii was at the center of it.

I recalled to myself that the night previous had been the first time in ages that I had availed myself of its functionality; and could I have sensed some deep-seated contempt directed towards me as I sat down to play some Mario with my friend, simply brushing it off as a symptom of my usual drug-induced paranoia? PSA: Don't do drugs. Could the activation of the Wii have triggered this ordeal, and if so, why? I felt this warranted closer inspection.

As I neared my recently dusted Wii, I could sense that something was amiss. Its typically demure composure seemed to have been replaced by one composed of menace and promised retribution. Gazing deep into the red glow of its power indicator, thinking it closed off from the world surrounding it, a dark secret I could never have anticipated revealed itself to me. Some ancient evil inhabited my Wii, perhaps all Wiis, and nothing good had ever come of ancient evils. Before I could make good my escape however, I was struck from behind by one of the WiiMotes, knocking me out cold.



I don't know how much time passed until I regained consciousness. I had been assaulted around 8:27 a.m. and came to around 1:00 p.m. and was never very good at those clock challenges in Brain Age. As I cursed myself for not training my brain more thoroughly I noticed the Wii engaged in its passive download state, only evilly. Its disc loader glowing as red as Jack Thompson forced to rely on logic and reason, the demonic Wii was transmitting data over its WiFi, though not to any friend code I recognized.

Granted, I don't really recognize any friend codes but the point still stands.

As I strained myself trying to decipher the cryptic code I noticed the the composition of the data in question. It was transmitting plans for World Domination, and it was transmitting it to Reggie Fils Aimes.



How could this be?! I thought to myself as I lay motionless on the floor trying not to be noticed by the Wiimote and its Nunchuck henchman. I read over the Wiixcel spreadsheet:

Phase 1: Create Casual Gaming Market - Complete
Phase 2: Corner Casual Gaming Market - Complete
Phase 3: Delay European Release Dates - Complete
Phase 4: Capture PS3 & XBox 360 - Complete

Wait! Could it be?! Was the robbery all a part of this plan for World Domination by Reggie? I began to fear for the safety of my consoles as I had never feared for them before. I forced myself to continue reading...

Phase 5: Assimilate Captives and Their Exclusives - 7% Progress

Good! I still had time to save them.

Phase 6: Kill All Humans

My God. What could Reggie be thinking?

Phase 7: Throw Wild Robot Rave Party

K.

I knew I had to stop Fils Aimes from accomplishing his nefarious schemes, but to do that I would need more info, and I would need a Wiimote to get it. I leapt to my feet and quickly snatched my Dualshock3 controller, the purloiners having neglected to steal any controllers in their haste. Taking advantage of the Dualshock's superior weight I launched it at the Nunchuck before the Wiimote could waggle it into action. The Dualshock clipped the Nunchuck's analog stick as it started up, causing its movement vector to be set off center.

I turned to face the Wiimote as the Nunchuck spun around in circles, impotently. I made a grab for my target but the wand was too fast for me. Activating its accelerometer it gestured towards my face, striking me on the bridge of my nose. Dazed, my glasses knocked to the floor, I knew I was done for. When the Wiimote neglected to finish me off I turned about and saw it lying on the ground, motionless, its pointer having exceeded the range of the sensor bar.

I cautiously advanced on its prone form, and knelt to pick it up. With the Wiimote in my possession I made to put the Wii back under my control. Before I could make my move however, the Wii made one last ditch effort to undo me by forcefully ejecting the Super Smash Bros. Brawl disc that had been languishing in its care for months directly at my wrist, in vain hope of severing it. Twisting at the waist to dodge the deadly projectile I forgot to also remove my wrist from its path.

Luckily the disc was mere plastic, my having not sprung for the metal special edition when I first made my purchase. The game disc inflicted a small incision on my forearm and proceeded to impact on the Rock Band drum set. The resulting shrapnel claimed the artificial life of the helpless nunchuck, severing its body from its spinal cable. As the Wii glowed on, agast, I took this opportunity to wrest control.

Quickly browsing the data files on the Wii's flash memory it became apparent that much of it had been damaged when the Wii made its final attack. Still, there seemed to be some tags linking to the Wii's Photo Channel. Switching channels I found an image that would forever sear its memory upon my soul.



Poised over my long-lost friends with a wicked wii-white scalpel grasped by his meaty hand, I, at long last, knew true terror. Reggie Fils Aimes and his greasy sausage fingers was having at my poor virgin consoles, surely voiding their warranties. I could not bear to look any longer.

Looking through the last dregs of data files, I noticed yet another reference to a Wii channel, this time the Everybody Votes Channel. Quickly switching channels, I began to feel a surge of hope for the first time since I uncovered this plot. Reggie had put forth several votes to key members of Nintendo, and while almost everyone voted against killing all of humanity, only one member opposed the vote for world domination. The god of gaming himself, Shigeru Miyamoto.

Surely Reggie could not hope to stand against Miyamoto!

Alas, the truth was far more terrible than I could have foreseen. Tracking a trail on the News Channel revealed that Miyamoto had been missing now for several days, with no clue as to his whereabouts. Then, hacking into Reggie's account with his friend code, I uncovered a series of Message Board posts between Reggie and someone called simply LS.

Needing Shigeru's support to move concentrate fully on World Domination Reggie had hired a bounty hunter to track Miyamoto down, capture him, and bring him back to Nintendo HQ. In exchange for Miyamoto, Reggie promised this mercenary that he would bring one of Sony's exclusives under his dominion so this hunter could retake his rightful place as the voice of the villain. As I continued reading, my suspicions were proven true.

The first exclusive to be assimilated in Phase 5 was to be none other than Metal Gear Solid; and the hunter? The hunter was none other than Cam Clarke, and he was going to find Shigeru Miyamoto no matter what the means necessary. Now I knew what I had to do; find Shigeru Miyamoto before Cam Clarke did, and kill the Reggienator.