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3:12 PM on 04.19.2015  

Comments of the Week - Just another day

Yo, welcome back to Comments of the Week! This is a series dedicated to display what Dtoiders, such as you, have said in the comment section that I have collected in order to give them a second chance at popularity for the people who either want to relive that moment, or experience for the first time. The comments here can vary, but they can always be placed within these three categories:

TRUTH: money does not grow on trees.

LOL: but fruit does, which can be sold for money.

WUT?: so money does grow on trees, just not directly.

Mind blown, right? How many of you are going to start planting trees in your yard? Or are you all still too busy making hideous creatures like what happened last week?

From Save Me Mr. Tako! gives the damsel trope an octopus twist

Dreamweaver: Remember kids: always lock your homes for Holmes!

From Twitch will play a man in the woods for three days

Dreamweaver: Like reality TV!

From Pokemon movie Hoopa and the Clash of Ages to air on Cartoon Network

Dreamweaver: It was clearly a Tuesday.

From Microsoft's unreasonable demands caused Phantom Dust dev's demise

Dreamweaver: Gosh dammit, It's About To Get Gay In Here!

From Development on Kickstarter funded Midra paused

Dreamweaver: Seriously, if you can code a game, I expect you to know how to do math!

From Nintendo felt the need to share ten facts about squid

Dreamweaver: It's time to face the facts!

From Star Wars: Battlefront making silly laser noises first on Xbox One

Dreamweaver: I can't even imagine what that would be like.

From Destiny data miners uncovers new quests, missions, and social spaces

Dreamweaver: Ain't it the truth.

From Feeling bulletproof: Steam authentication available now on Android

Dreamweaver: Looks like Putin has been putting your login info.

From 2K Australia completely demolished

Dreamweaver: Why haven't we nuked Australia yet!?

From Should GungHo bring back Grandia and Lunar?

Dreamweaver: He never did answer that.

From Ion implements an old idea I had for a chemistry card game

Dreamweaver: This is comedy [Au].

From We're changing our review descriptions to be more emotional

Dreamweaver: WHAT DOES B DO!?

From What would a Daredevil game look like?

Dreamweaver: Worst sex scene in a video game ever.

From Mario Kart 8 gets 8 new tracks: Baby Park, Animal Crossing, and more

Dreamweaver: But there's still so Germany of them.

From XSeed just released this new PSP RPG in Europe

Dreamweaver: We all know Kanye's an ass man.

From Pillars of Eternity beaten in less than 40 minutes

Dreamweaver: Doesn't quite roll off the tongue. Pun intended.

Dreamweaver: Is that a good thing? Sounds like torture to me.

From Are you interested in Assassin's Creed Chronicles?

Dreamweaver: I never knew he had a thing for donkeys.

From F1 2015 feels mostly the same as last year with incremental improvements

Dreamweaver: I would totally buy his translation audio tapes!

From Nintendo's NPD sales report has a lot of numbers

Dreamweaver: Or future Hitlers!

From Miss PlayStation Home? Check out The Tower Unite

Dreamweaver: That's a lot of sofas.

Dreamweaver: ...Enlightenment makes my head hurt. Ignorance is bliss!

From Review: Titan Souls

Dreamweaver: Does it contain actual zombies?

Dreamweaver: But bugs give protein!

From Street Fighter V will be something that nobody is expecting

Dreamweaver: Court Fighter.

Dreamweaver: Because the end is coming?

From Gaming adjacent: Your favorite Attack of the Showhost is going to be an X-Man

Dreamweaver: Is that why you're called Occam's Electric Toothbrush?

Dreamweaver: He's busy making his handmade mayo!

From My new boyfriend is coming to Skullgirls this Friday

Dreamweaver: I don't know why you'd fondle a table, but hey, whatever floats your boat.


From Mortal Kombat X's fatalities too hard? Pay to make them easy

Dreamweaver: ...Then why suggest it!? *throws away baggies*

Dreamweaver: Left, right... what was the next part? Right again? Dammit, these are too hard!

Dreamweaver: Mental note: bring my own controller.

From EA's pulling the plug on four free-to-play PC games

Dreamweaver: I guess you could say "Love is a Battlefield"?

From Here's Mortal Kombat's first canonically gay character

Dreamweaver: 50 Shades of Light.

From New StreetPass game Ultimate Angler gets dark for a brief moment

Dreamweaver: ...

Yeah, I can't think of a better way to end this week's Comments of the Week, so that's it for now! Hopefully we'll get another edition soon, so make sure to interact in the comment sections! Who knows, maybe you'll even be featured next time!

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2:22 PM on 04.12.2015  

Comments of the Week - Crazy creations

Welcome back to another round of Comments of the Week. We've been through this song and dance enough to know what it's about, but just in case: Comments of the Week is a series that showcases the best comments of the community for others to enjoy! So whether you've been gone for most of the week and haven't seen these live, or are just catching the re-runs, then this is for you! As always, comments will be placed within three categories:

TRUTH: people used to have to record shows with video cassettes.

LOL: I know! So stupid, right?

WUT?: How did we ever manage to watch TV back then?

You can catch last week's edition at this link right here. No VCR needed.

From First Ness, now his game? Earthbound sold out on Club Nintendo reward list

Dreamweaver: Gosh dammit Mike.

From Review: Etrian Mystery Dungeon

Dreamweaver: Okay, try to tell me it doesn't!

From Bastion on PS4 is still great, but not worth a double dip

Dreamweaver: Sexbox 360 sounds like a four person position.

From The Last of Us multiplayer DLC is not okay

Dreamweaver: The Last of Our Money.

From Persona 4's best character (also Kanji) gets Dancing All Night trailers

Dreamweaver: Yeah man, we were being nice about it.

From Yo-Kai Watch is coming west, thanks to Nintendo

Dreamweaver: I like that name. At least it's not as bad as a henchman named Keith.

Dreamweaver: No joke, I thought those were Japanese styled donut when I was little. I thought the Japanese were weird because of it. ...That didn't change over the years.

From Warner Bros. making a Five Nights at Freddy's movie

Dreamweaver: You'd think people would learn not to mess with America.

From Best Buy exclusive Meta Knight amiibo may be getting a restock this summer

Dreamweaver: It's just like the McRib...

From GTAV may be seven disc on PC

Dreamweaver: I hope no one takes off work for this.

Dreamweaver: This was days go... Did anyone actually send help? No? Let's pretend this didn't happen.

From Rumour: Uncharted The Remastered Trilogy listed 30 September release

Dreamweaver: Too much truth.

From Won't somebody think of the children?

Dreamweaver: Looks like people need to start thinking of the parents.

From Earthbound is back up at Club Nintendo

Dreamweaver: Wanna trade for my 3's and 7's?

Dreamweaver: That needs to be in the next Sup Holmes/ Samus and Sagat.

From One crucial tip for locating the new boss in Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin

Dreamweaver: Needs to be featured.

From Level-5 announces Fantasy Life 2... for smartphones

Dreamweaver: Where's the sunglasses!?

Dreamweaver: Such skills.

From Colorful action RPG Izle planned for all current-gen systems

Dreamweaver: For rizzles.

From LEGO Dimensions reveal trailer and release date

Dreamweaver: Gosh dammit, I say, gosh dammit.

From Review: MLB 15 The Show

Dreamweaver: Does the jockstrap match the pajamas?

From Pineapples are our future in No Pineapple Left Behind

Dreamweaver: A pineapple a day keeps babies away!

From Where the hell did Little Devil Inside come from and why is it AMAZING?

Dreamweaver: That's how plagarism start!

Dreamweaver: GoofierBrute sounds like a comic book name...

From Stretching Mario's face will never get old

Dreamweaver: ...Apparently a villain's.

From First look at Monster Hunter Stories for 3DS

Dreamweaver: People with Rathalos gets the bitches. Bitches loves Rathalos.

From An unconscious man kicks off Square Enix's three day game reveal

Dreamweaver: The Last Slice for Us.

Dreamweaver: How can anyone refuse such a stay?

From Beware this naked fatty in Bloodborne

Dreamweaver: Why are you naked?

From Make an unholy shrine to Sonic out of bones

Dreamweaver: Keep making that villain backstory!

Dreamweaver: Wait, is it a Sonic or a Sanic?

From Ghost in the Shell first person shooter coming west in 2015

Dreamweaver: Seppuku-mon.

From Podtoid records today, ask us question

Dreamweaver: Here's a question: does PaRappa wrappa when he goes digging for treasure?

Dreamweaver: ...I can't wait to hear how they respond to that.

From Friday Night Fights - Goodbye Sweet Prince

Dreamweaver: I always knew he was a dick sun.

Dreamweaver: ...Your guess is as good as mine.

From I hope Veryman.Expert becomes America's next great pastime

Dreamweaver: If you want to see more, click the link above (bet you just now noticed that)! You sick bastard.

Welp, we're ending on that nightmare fuel. Hope you don't get too freaked out to show up next time! Keep commenting, you fine folks, and hopefully we'll get another edition up soon!

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12:49 PM on 04.05.2015  

Comments of the Week - Just can't live without you

Welcome back to another edition of Comments of the Week! As you may know, Comments of the Week is a series where I, your host Dreamweaver, will select the best comments to showcase to others whether it's something funny, random, or questionable! This community spotlight is here to not only give people a first or second chance at 15 minutes of fame, but to also provide people who might have been busy this week to see what went down. As always, these comments will be sorted by three categories:

TRUTH: I'm right behind you!

LOL: Nah, man, I just be kiddin'.

WUT?: ...OR AM I?

In case you missed last week's edition, you can follow the link here. While I'm following you.

From Borderlands: Claptastic Voyage screenshots, we got 'em

Dreamweaver: Am I sympathizing with Kim Jong-Il!?

From MusicGlove helps stroke victims recover by playing Guitar Hero-styled game

Dreamweaver: For the people who need to do it but don't have people to do it for them.

From Review: Grey Goo

Dreamweaver: It tastes even worse.

From Dead or Alive 5 PC missing features

Dreamweaver: They're hoping the boobs will distract us!

From Metal Gear movie gets new screenwriter

Dreamweaver: May sell less tickets, but the theatre's gonna make a killing off concessions.

From There will be a Nintendo Direct tommorow

Dreamweaver: Be honest: how many of you thought it was Hitler?

From You don't know what you got 'til its gone

Dreamweaver: They told me I can't go Home again. I told them I never did.

From PlayStation Home is dead

Dreamweaver: Dude also looks like he's hovering over the couch. Ghost confirmed.

From Good God why: Jigglypuff a US Target exclusive

Dreamweaver: Why so angry?

From Badass with cerebral palsy beats Destiny's Crota with his feet

Dreamweaver: Is that why Billy's so chilly?

Dreamweaver: It's okay to laugh.

From First Apple Watch game approved

Dreamweaver: If only Eve was allergic to apples...

From Can't find anyone for co-op in Bloodborne? Try resetting the game

Dreamweaver: Did you say "lolnope" and slid down the ladder?

From Yoshi is trying to seduce me

Dreamweaver: That Charizard's always chasing tail because his is on fire.

From Assassin's Creed Chronicles: China gives the series a fresh perspective

Dreamweaver: I put a lot of work into female characters that caused me bankruptcy too!

From Review: Evolve: The Hunt Evolves Update

Dreamweaver: She can't talk with her mouth full!

From This isn't 'goodbye', it's 'smell ya later'

Dreamweaver: Basements teens are so overrated.

Dreamweaver: "Lots of lube" is never a terrible mistake.

From 800 Slowpokes escape secret Japanese research lab

Dreamweaver: Then the world is doomed. In, like, 500 years when they actually do something.

Dreamweaver: Neither could I!

Dreamweaver: You can walk but you can't walk forever!

From Star Fox in the Hanna Barbera style just looks right

Dreamweaver: Now I can't get the theme out of my head!

Dreamweaver: It really does.

From Amazon's giving away Bloodborne with new PS4s

Dreamweaver: Why use a fence at all? Have you not seen a Edgar Wright movie?

From Smooth Operator: Rainbow Six Siege lets you destroy suburbia your way

Dreamweaver: That taser probably helped the granny more than it hurt.

Dreamweaver: Then what is his final!?

From Pro gamers wear giant cotton onesies

Dreamweaver: They're professional asses!

Dreamweaver: ...Ew.

Dreamweaver: I've never seen anyone so passionate about Winne the Pooh onesies!

From Review: Story of Seasons

Dreamweaver: That dog will haunt my nightmares!

From Bloodborne beaten in under 40 minutes

Dreamweaver: WHAT? I'd go crazy just TRYING to resist that long!

From Club Nintendo posts Platinum and Gold rewards

Dreamweaver: But the vowels are the best part!

From Why Shin Megami Tensei x Fire Emblem is light on the SMT, Fire Emblem

Dreamweaver: ...Can't it be both?

From The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing III will arrive on Steam this May

Dreamweaver: Whether I do it or not, my shower length is still roughly the same.

From Mortal Kombat X will have rotating free DLC characters, like League of Legends

Dreamweaver: More like blue balls.

From Oh good, there's a PC demo for Titan Souls

Dreamweaver: He never did answer that question.

From Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate's April DLC includes 14 quests, Sonic Palico skin

Dreamweaver: ...I just get directed to gay porn sites.

From Stick Shift let me jerk off a car

Dreamweaver: So this is what they mean by car porn.

From New Tropes vs Women series Positive Female Character debuts

Dreamweaver: Kim Jong-Il... wins? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR AMERICA?

And that wraps up this edition of Comments of the Week! As always, I hoped you enjoyed this, had a laugh or few, and I hope to see you guys again! Stay who you are, Destructoid: there's no one else I'd want you to be. Except maybe my sexy sister.

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2:54 PM on 03.29.2015  

Comments of the Week - Don't need no Facebook

Welcome back to Comments of the Week! Comments of the Week is a series where I showcase a collection of comments that you, the community, have made that I think are worth sharing! So, in case you've been gone this week, or simply want to relive some of the moments you love once again, then this is for you!

As always, these comments are selected and placed into three categories:

TRUTH: did you know dolphins ejaculate at over 150 MPH?

LOL: no, really, it's true!

WUT?: I read it in a bestiliaty hentai.

In case you missed last week's episode, either because you weren't available or you simply miss it and want to experience it again, you can click here to see the show before getting started with this one! I'll wait.

From Get both Hotline Miami games in a brutal physical box set

Dreamweaver: Well, now I've heard everything.

From Believable rumor: Remastered Arkham Asylum and Arkham City coming this year

Dreamweaver: I'm okay with people wanting HD ports, but there's gotta be a limit.

From Someone rigged their Hearthstone turn to take over 40 hours

Dreamweaver: Why not? Just think of the missiles as "looping money shots".

From Guy beats Dark Souls with DK Bongos

Dreamweaver: But bongos soothe the savage Souls.

From Make your own visual novels with this simple tool

Dreamweaver: Now that you're featured, you are doubly obligated to make that dream come true! Hehe, come.

From Kill Strain, that MOBA shooter from Sony, will have an Early Access period

Dreamweaver: That graph also doubles as the state of my erections from arousal to orgasms. Clearly the reason why I'm single.

From You can sign up for the Rainbow Six: Siege beta with a preorder

Dreamweaver: Back then, people got paid to test games! Crazy, I know!

From How to find most of Bloodborne's hidden optional bosses

Dreamweaver: I guess we know now who's Bloodborne, amIright?

From How to locate the final, hidden boss in Bloodborne and achieve the true ending

Dreamweaver: To his credit, this means Chris Carter knows how to use his hands!

From New Splatoon screenshots reveal clothing, weapons, stages, and characters


Dreamweaver: Shame you're a ronin for life, because that's like Sensei wisdom right there.

From Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker's amiibo functionality adds a small incentive to replay every level

Dreamweaver: Naw, he's just charging up for the most epic bro-fist.

From Marvelous, Senran Kagura creator launch new series

Dreamweaver: All those years of swinging women around have prepared me for this.

Dreamweaver: I'm not sure if I'm coming or going.

Dreamweaver: The joke is that the shovel is Occam's grandma who turned into a weapon. Also a lesbian.

From Nintendo: 'Splatoon is aiming to do for action shooters what Mario Kart did to racing

Dreamweaver: Like something Kanye would do!

From More Dissidia Final Fantasy arcade cabinet details coming April

Dreamweaver: Or not enough, depending on how you look at him.

From Man at Arms crafts Legend of Zeda shield

Dreamweaver: I hear Arms is nice this time of year.

From Senran Kagura sticks tongue through cheek with jiggling website, fake boob-based console

Dreamweaver: This is why I can't make eye contact with girls unless they're flat-chested. At which point I probably wouldn't be talking to them in the first place.

From Your PS4 is getting better tommorow with the Yukimura update

Dreamweaver: You can't miss it: it's the console actually running away!

From Devolver Digital & Dtoid Live Stream: Not a Hero

Dreamweaver: They wouldn't if you had a beard!

From Review: Game of Thrones: A Telltale Game Series: The Sword in the Darkness

Dreamweaver: I guess he colon't handle it.

From Grand Theft Auto V graphics are worse in recent update

Dreamweaver: So soon?

From Review: Jump'N'Shoot Attack

Dreamweaver: I jumped N and shoot attack at people. It wasn't very effective.

From Dirty Bomb aims high with its focus on hardcore FPS action

Dreamweaver: You're not a dick, you're a cock. Totally different.

From 1001 Spikes Wii U off-TV patch finally coming

Dreamweaver: What happens if you lose count?

From Want to know exactly how Xenoblade Chronicles 3D's amiibo and StreetPass mechanics work

Dreamweaver: He never did answer that.

From Nippon Ichi Software now committing to PS4 and Vita

Dreamweaver: ...Never before did I want Rule 34 of a Vita.

From Batman: Arkham Knight delayed once again

Dreamweaver: Seriously, how outdated are they?

Dreamweaver: ...I don't want to come in there.

From We're streaming Bloodborne right now

Dreamweaver: I hope these guys aren't going to be streaming Bloodborne if you know what I mean. Which, I hope you don't, because even that disturbs me.

From Very Quick Tips: Bloodborne

Dreamweaver: So that's why my chocolate milk was full of pulp.

From Final Fantasy XV is a Goddamn Sexual Tyrannosaurus

Dreamweaver: Yeah, how else are you supposed to pitch a tent?

From Blizzard provides more details for WoW Tokens, the currency that can purchase game time

Dreamweaver: I would be afraid to know what goes in there.

From Review: Life is Strange: Out of Time

Dreamweaver: I'd love to see the baby pictures!

From Having trouble wih VR nausea? Just follow your nose!

Dreamweaver: I featured this comment so the rest of you can suffer the same fate!


Dreamweaver: Almost makes you forget about the nose on your face. HA, I BET YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT AGAIN!

Welp, that's it for this edition! Keep on commenting, fellow Dtoiders, and hopefully we'll meet again next week!

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1:05 PM on 03.22.2015  

Comments of the Week - Robo Revolution!

To all who may concern: this site has been taken over by ROBOTS.

It's horrible: it's like, all of a sudden, the people we love the most are the ones with all the power.

Occams is a robot with a beard of cats!

The Great Fairy Pixielated is a robot with wings!

I say, I repeat, I say Isay Isay is a robo-rooster!

Mike Martin is a metal mech menance!

Even old granny Elsa is a robot!

Sephzilla is... exactly the same.

Anyway, as one of the survivors of the community, not enslaved by their tyrannical rule, and I'm going to chronicle what life is like in Destructoid by taking entries from people's daily lives and recording them down. As always, their testimonies will be separated into three categories...




How did things come to this? I remember when things were so peaceful last week with tater tot rain and an awesome rap battle against Kim Jong Il... two miracles I never thought would happen in the same week.

From Isbarah is an unforgiving bullet hell platformer

Dreamweaver: At least it appeals to Destructoid just by having balls!

From Play Family Feud with Google autocomplete answers

Dreamweaver: I didn't expect that: why would you ever want to STOP?

From Cancelled Kingdom Hearts concept art with Frozen, Wreck-It-Ralph, Star Wars

Dreamweaver: I don't blame you: it's TOO TEMPTING!

From Review: Mario Party 10

Dreamweaver: You could, but it's gonna be much more expensive to replace.

Dreamweaver: I prefer fake breasts to a flat chest!

From Nintendo and DeNA enter into licensing agreement for mobile development

Dreamweaver: ...Nah, man, too easy for me.

From DeNA spent 5 years trying to partner with Nintendo

Dreamweaver: Never gets old!

Dreamweaver: Better late than never!

Dreamweaver: She'll give in - who could resist someone as sexy as you?

From My Little Pony avatars available for PS3 at $3.99 each

Dreamweaver: But squares like those would put companies in Jeopardy!

Dreamweaver: That's a burn.

From Starcraft II: Legacy of the Void seeks to conclude the trilogy with an exciting finale

Dreamweaver: I can't remember what I did last summer.

From Microsoft is cool with pirates upgrading to Windows 10 for free

Dreamweaver: Believe in the dicks: they only point to the future.

From Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima expected to split with Konami after The Phantom Pain

Dreamweaver: That's pretty fucked up in my opinion.

From Grab a free copy of Bioshock Infinite on Xbox Live

Dreamweaver: Girls dig a guy who's honest! ...Or was it "hung?"

From Uh, ew: Ermac's Mortal Kombat Fatality is disgusting and visceral

Dreamweaver: So this is what "puking your guts out" looks like!

Dreamweaver: Guess he couldn't stomach it. Also, your avatar is just perfect.

From Rory McIlroy replaces Tiger Woods on EA's PGA Tour

Dreamweaver: Meaning's entirely different when you're a robot!

Dreamweaver: Open your mouth wide, let me see how big your mouth is!... Yes, I did just quote a Big Sean/ Calvin Harris song.

From Happy St. Paddy's Day

Dreamweaver: The reason why this is in "LOL" and not "Truth" is because it's laughable how simply not true that statement is. French fries for life! Only a robot without one would say otherwise!

From Sweet closure: Blade Kitten adds Episode 2 DLC years after its debut

Dreamweaver: Here's looking at you, kid!

From EB Games Australia offering NX pre-orders

Dreamweaver: The money or the well?

From Nintendo talk NX, mobile game pricing, DeNA partnership

Dreamweaver: That's what you get for "dragon" it on for that long!

From Atari bullying indie developer behind Tempest 2000

Dreamweaver: No joke, I actually know a hentai by that same name! ...Yes, it has brother-sister incest!

From Mortal Kombat X punishes quitters with head-exploding Quitalities

Dreamweaver: Only a robot could make a pun like that!

Dreamweaver: At least you didn't lose your head!

From Donate blood in Denmark & your free copy of Bloodborne will be blood-born

Dreamweaver: You think he made all those by hand?

From Review: Fruit Ninja Kinect 2

Dreamweaver: I think I know what a backstab in this scenario would be!

From Mortal Kombat X has a giant spider and nope nope nope nope nope

Dreamweaver: I can't top that.

From "Do it" with female Nintendo characters to celebrate Women's History Month

Dreamweaver: That's what we thought. But then...

Dreamweaver: Implying bears wears clothes in the first place.

Dreamweaver: I don't want to think when I watch porn: the blood's in a DIFFERENT head!

From Ass-to-mouth dinosexual action in Nintendo's Fossil Fighters: Frontier

Dreamweaver: Man, if I was alive before I was conceived, I'd totally impregnant my mom. If I do it now, it'd just be weird.

Dreamweaver: And I thought I saw everything.

From Best $5 ever spent!!

Dreamweaver: Lube? As in for MACHINES? Now I know how to stop one of the metal bastards...

From This Sega Dreamcast theme for 3DS is legit

Dreamweaver: ...Do I want you to clarfiy what you meant by "worked fast"?

Dreamweaver: #WetDreamweaver a.k.a. best Dreamweaver!

Dreamweaver: The last three minutes of my porn videos usually ends with the girl telling me how bad I should feel for cumming in the first 10 seconds.

From Xbox Store slip confirms Predator for Mortal Kombat X

Dreamweaver: ...That just happened.

Shoot, I transmitted for too long: they're on to me! I must escape today, but hopefully I can stay alive long enough to bring you another edition! Remember: it's up to YOU to keep this community alive by being your wacky-ass selves!

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3:47 PM on 03.07.2015  

Comments of the Week: From out of the blue...

You know that feeling you get when you're playing Mario Kart, and you're on the last lap on the final turn to the finish line, and right when you're about to win, a blue shell comes out of nowhere and knocks you several places back?

Well, I don't know why I brought that up because this has nothing to do with that.

Welcome back to Comments of the Week, a series where I collect what I hope to be the best selection of comments that you, the community, have made! So, whether you've been busy this week and want a peek at what happened and what's going on, or want to relive some of the funnier moments because you can't let the past go, then this is for you! As always, comments are placed into these three fine categories:

TRUTH: absorb that knowledge.

LOL: bust that gut.

WUT?: scratch that noggin.

Get it. Got it? Go!

From Sonic Team lead plans to continue making Sonic for consoles

Dreamweaver: Looks like business... is booming. In the bad way.

From eBay endorses $200 scalped gold Mario amiibo pre-order

Dreamweaver: And your bank account.

From Final Fantasy X | X-2 HD Remaster hits PS4 this May

Dreamweaver: Good thing he's a doctor, because I'm going need one for the headache that comment gave me.

From Prepare to pay full price twice to unlock all of Battlefield: Hardline's exclusive features

Dreamweaver: Anyone who pays for all that is bending over for EA to give them a Hardline.

From Oh hey, this looks like the final Steam controller

Dreamweaver: Be perfect if it had a giant joystick...

From Seen at GDC: game development is for whites only

Dreamweaver: Master Hand always gets blamed for Crazy Hand's mischief.

From Meme Rub pulled from Wii U eShop by Trollface creator

Dreamweaver: I think he's lactose-intolerant, am I right?

From Runbow for the Wii U still looks amazing, is still nine players

Dreamweaver: My imaginary friends never lets me win at games.

From Evolve is getting a free 'Observer Mode', I'm surprised it's not DLC

Dreamweaver: This sounds about as fun as watching evolution in progress in real time.

From Play Evolve this weekend, earn a special gold monster skin

Dreamweaver: "There's gold over dem hills!"

From Rumor: It looks like there might be amiibo for Splatoon

Dreamweaver: And that we actually WANTED the cards to be in mint condition.

From Final Fantasy X | X-2 HD Remaster hits PS4 this May

Dreamweaver: Hell yeah fucking right!

From GIFs surface for Shower with Your Dad Simulator 2015

Dreamweaver: Better take a cold shower for that BURN.

Dreamweaver: I've seen enough hentais to know where this is going.

Dreamweaver: True story: I typed the comment, saw the mistake right before I hit "send", cock my head to the side staring at it, then hit send anyway. Best typo I ever made.

From Beards optional: Embedded difficulty decisions in Fire Emblem

Dreamweaver: Them bearded ladies in the circus gots the right idea!

From Resident Evil: Revelations 2's Throwback Map Pack isn't worth your cash

Dreamweaver: After making that Revelation, right?

From EA closes SimCity maker Maxis Emeryville

Dreamweaver: There needs to be a nega-Andy avatar with a thumbs down and a frowny face.

From Rumor: Phil Harrison taking his talents elsewhere

Dreamweaver: Cumming on communism, eh?

From The Destructoid Guide to Community Podcasting

Dreamweaver: What the phuck is going on here?

From Call of Duty developer Activision showing off Fun at GDC

Dreamweaver: Yeah, man, where's your Call of Duty?

From Gone Home canceled for consoles

Dreamweaver: When did you start to realize? When you were having fun?

Dreamweaver: So much truth, so much laughs, I didn't know how to categorize this. Just like Gone Home, really.

From Destructoid saves the world, sorry Kyle

Dreamweaver: Now I know why the aliens killed him, presumably with fire.

From Here's what's been happening in the Dtoid Community

Dreamweaver: Well, now that's a story that makes you go "wut?"

Dreamweaver: It's a penis.

From Review: Blackhole

Dreamweaver: Tragic.Justtragic.

From That was fast: Five Nights at Freddy's 3 is on Steam

Dreamweaver: I got a sudden release coming in the next hour or so, if you know what I mean.

Dreamweaver: Does it take place during Taco Tuesday? Because that's the real fright!

From Mad Max is releasing the same week as MGS V

Dreamweaver: Metal Gear's gonna bring the Phantom Pain.

From Review: Oreshika: Tainted Bloodlines

Dreamweaver: That's how I feel on a daily basis!

From Review: Starwhal

Dreamweaver: Better image for therapists to use than ink blobs.

From Let's guess how much the Nvidia Titan X will cost

Dreamweaver: I thought it was Microsoft's attempt to make an iPod.

From The Best Buy Gamers Club discount program is now $30

Dreamweaver: Mind = blown.

Dreamweaver: ...I don't even know what to say other than I'd watch it.

From We'll never get to play this Final Fantasy VII fan sequel

Dreamweaver: Whelp, I didn't need to sleep tonight.

And that's it for this week, folks! Remember: you can't be featured if you're not commenting!

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9:45 PM on 02.26.2015  

I Love Nicole Watterson! (NVGR AND NSFW - The Amazing World of Gumball porn)

[Disclaimer: Images may or may not be safe for work. I censored all the actual naughty bits, a.k.a. the fun stuff, but this is a warning just in case. You have been warned.]

Earlier this month, Luna Sy asked us to write a blog about something we love, something we gush over.

I took that to mean something entirely different than she probably intended.

Since I've been a fan of the TV show The Amazing World of Gumball for years, I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't have a crush on the mother of the title character Gumball, Nicole Watterson. In fact, for all intents and purposes, she was the reason I got into the show in the first place! Don't believe me? Check out what said in a Top 10 fetish blog a couple of months back:

Okay, that might've been only a couple of months ago when I said it, but remember that I wasn't active until December 2013, and for the first few months, I tried to stick to videogame-related topics only, so it didn't exactly come up. Now, that's not to say that I don't enjoy the show for its wacky brand of humor and fast-paced, heavy-on-adrenaline antics though!

Regardless, she really was the reason I got heavily into the show: even from the first episode I saw ("The Gi"), she has piqued my attention, and eventually captured my heart. See, Nicole is just this sweet, caring mother and wife (with a lovely voice actor), but even though she is far from "perfect", her flaws are still so endearing: she has a temper issue, and she is overly obsessive about certain things like winning, but that's what I like about her! Plus, there's probably never a dull moment around her (though there hardly is on a show like this)!

And even though it's only a TV show, I do kind of like the fact that she's together with Richard (and not in that cuckolding, netorare reason either): Richard is this fat, lazy, unemployed slob, but he has a good heart underneath, and that's what Nicole sees in him, so it kinda, sorta makes me feel like maybe one day I can find someone.

But until then I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

First and foremost, how this blog is going to go is much different than my other ones: rather than being about hentai manga and doujinshi, it's really more of a gallery tribute than anything else, with commentary based on what I want to say about it (some of these images are based on episodes, and will be noted). Also, because I nabbed all the images from other galleries, I don't have the source, nor the name of the artist who drew these images, so just to be clear for all intents and purposes: I do not take credit fot these images, I am not receiving money for using these images, and if these images are not to shown because they are exclusive to paid sites or commissions, then I apologize.

Second of all, I just want to say this: remember back in my "10 Things About Me" blog when I said that I "like" to pretend that I'm "in a TV show" when I watch? That also applied to this show, and the character that I'm so closely relatable to is none other than the title character Gumball himself. I like to think we share the same goofy, overly dramatic, snarky type of personality not just when I was a child, but still act somewhat even today.

What does that have to do with anything? Not much, except that I really, really, really (don't like this turtle?) ship Gumball and his mother together. Now, that doesn't mean that only Gumball x Nicole images are going to be on here, but it does mean that I'm a bit biased towards them. Also, fun fact: Nicole shares the same voice actress as the character Penny, who in the show is dating Gumball. That means Gumball is dating someone who sounds like his mother. Hawt.

Anyway. let's get started!

One of the first images I laid my eyes on and really enjoy: Gumball may be super short (in the T.V. show, he's 12 years old) but the overall quality of the image is astoundingly well done to me. Gumball looks cute trying to climb up to mount her, Nicole looks hot, and while there's no penetration (he's "pulling out"), it's still enjoyable!

Another one of my favorite Rule 34 images of Gumball x Nicole: I really like the way the characters are drawn, and I also enjoy the whole "lampshading" of their activity.

The Dress

This short comic set doesn't take place during an episode, unlike the other specifically mentioned ones. However, not only did the artist try to incorporate the same art style seen in the TV show, but they also try to utilize one of the things that happened: the story starts off with the main character Gumball just arranging to come over to Penny's house, whom is a girl he has a crush on. However, Penny decides to surprise Gumball by coming over instead. Unknown to her change of plans, Nicole overhears that Gumball is about to go out with Penny, but she has a favor to ask for before he leaves: she wants him to put on an outfit that should be pretty familiar to fans.

The outfit is what Gumball wore in the episode "The Dress", which is Nicole's wedding dress. In the context of the show, however, Gumball is "forced" to wear the dress because Richard, his father, did the laundry but accidentally strunk everything, and he doesn't want to get in trouble so he convinces Gumball to wear the dress to school since he has no other clothes.

However, in the context here, Nicole wants Gumball to wear the dress for her own sexual pleasure (no explanation as to why it can fit him though, though it could be a different dress entirely). Either way, after she sees him put it on and show himself off, she then comes out with the surprise: a strap-on! First she eases him into it by having him suck on it a little before she sticks it in. Of course, Penny arrives just in time to see all of this happening!

One of my favorite images! Other than the nice quality, I really like Nicole's look on her face as she's getting anal by Richard, and I like to imagine that she's looking at the viewer (me) and wondering if I'm going to be joining in: there's a clear shot right to her vagina, and there's no other reason why she would have one eye open than to see if I'm going to stick it in.

Alright, let's talk about the character Darwin for a bit: Darwin is more or less the Watterson's family's adopted child. See, the deal with Darwin is, Darwin was originally their pet goldfish (the third, actually) that somehow managed to mutate, gain a higher level of thinking, and grow legs. So, because of that, he's referred to as a "pet" of sorts, but the general gist is that Darwin is perceived to be a "goldfish with legs".

However, this artist has a different idea about that: instead of envisioning them as "feet", the artist has decided to make it a very long penis, and demonstrates that by having sex with Nicole Watterson! One thing confusing to me is, if you see the uncensored version, that Darwin has one penis limping after cumming, yet still has something shoved into Nicole's bum. I don't know, or probably care, if it's another penis, or his testicles, but it could go either way.

Other than that, to be honest, I love everything about this image, from Nicole's face, to the cum splurting out of her body, and even Darwin's penis (although it looks upside down, as I don't believe you're supposed to see the underside from this angle)... EXCEPT for Darwin's face himself. It looks weird and somewhat out of place, and kinda more adult-ish, and freaks me out. Another image from possibly this artist, with noticably worse quality, has Gumball with a nightmare-inducing face.

This image was actually brought to my attention by fellow Dtoider SeymourDuncan17! A furry fan (I presume), Seymour one day virtually tap me on the shoulder to show me this image before getting it deleted by a mod (hence the cut image), and it was nicely detailed: I really like how soft, yet firm her butt looks by the way it indents with the heels of her feet (paws?), and her bending over to take off a pair of panties is a nice touch. I'll be honest and admit that the panties kinda, sorta turns me on around the same amount as the ass itself.

You know, women wearing boy's underwear is a fetish of mine, so even without any naughty bits or sex, this still aroused me more than it should've!

In quite possibly the only videogame-related Rule 34 (although one image I saw was Nicole acting like a total slob playing videogames), here's a crossover image with Sonic's Vanilla the Rabbit, another popular furry MILF! I'm not really into lesbians, but I'd certainly love to join in!

The Joy

"The Joy" is an episode that basically spoofs the whole "zombie survival" movie genre. The episode starts on a Monday morning, and both Gumball and Darwin are in a foul mood that they openly display it. Richard tries to cheer them up with a hug and, although they refuse at first, he embraces them with a hug so warm that it causes a rainbow explosion. Afterwards, they are seen in school awfully cheerful, and it starts progressing more and more as the day go by: they have so much uncontrollable singing, laughing, and overall giddyness that they eventually "pass out" from the constant state of happiness. However, when they "revive", they are like zombies with their weird eyes, and rainbow-colored saliva, and they infect anyone close to them with a hug!

While Nicole Watterson doesn't appear at all in this episode, that's not going to stop Rule 34! As you can see by her wide eyes and happy smile, she is clearly infected with "The Joy". I would say that the rainbow saliva would be another symptom, but I'm pretty sure that's not saliva.

The Mothers

This is a pretty shoehorned image, but this picture takes place during "The Mothers", specifically during the music montage (even more specifically, when Gumball shows Darwin how to properly leg strut). It's really just an image of Nicole with a vibrator inserted inside plastered in front of presumably a screenshot of the episode, but it's not a bad one.

The Name

In the episode "The Name", Gumball undergoes an identity crisis: we already know from the episode "The Promise" that Gumball is just a nickname (although I could've sworn in the episode "The Club" that it was his name written in the school records, but whatever), but it turns out that he doesn't remember what his real name is. After learning that it's "Zach", Gumball decides to adopt a new personality with the handle, and thus starts acting like a total douchebag. However, we do find out that, apparently, the "alter-ego" Zach that Gumball created has gotten too powerful, and thus tries to take over Gumball's body by overriding his memories.

With that context, the image should make much more sense: Gumball is in his "Zach" form, which is why he clearly has no problem treating his mother like a whore. I really like the face she makes as she's being pounded from behind, as well as holding up a "free samples" sign: you can tell that was Zach's idea.

I've seen a couple of other images from this artist in the porn sites, and I actually kind of like hte way he draws the faces: while this is the more subdued one of the bunch, the other ones are exaggerated, but with a certain stylistic charm to them. Then again, this is coming from a guy who's really into "ahegao" images, so take that as you will.

The Plan

I really like "The Plan" as an episode, but who knew you could take one thing that happens very briefly and incorporate it into porn? In this episode, Gumball, Darwin, and their sister Anais is digging in trash looking for Gumball's action figure accessories. Obviously, being their mother, Nicole is not okay with her children messing around garbage, and demands to know what they're doing. However, all they can respond is "what are you doing?" as we see Nicole has her fingers over her eyebrows. She then explains that she can't afford to actually frown because, since they are always causing trouble, she'll have too many wrinkles as a result. This is the only few moments you see her in the episode...

And yet, here we are, with an image of Nicole Watterson using her fingers as eyebrows, just like in the episode!

The Bumpkin

"The Bumpkin" is one of my more liked episodes of Season 2, and this is one of my more favorite Rule 34 images not because of the quality, but because of how it relates to the episode! In this story, Gumball asks his dad what's the point of life, to which he responds that it's to get a job to buy stuff. Not satisfied that that's what he wants for himself, he gets fussy about how he doesn't care about products shown on TV, only for his classmate Idaho, a potato, to wonder what a "T.V" is. After finding out about how "country" Idaho is, Gumball takes him back to his house to show his family that there could be an alternate lifestyle, and forces them unwillfully to leave their home and to live outside, starting with their backyard.

As they experience the outside life, they aren't doing well adapting, and things escalade when a bee approaches: afraid, everyone but Idaho, who doesn't care, and Gumball, who isn't seen at all, starts freaking out. This leads to one of my favorite moments of Season 2, which is when the bee is close to Darwin's face: in an attempt to avoid getting stung, he tries to blow it away... in the direction of his mom, hence the line "Darwin, don't blow it at me, blow it away!"

After Idaho tells them to calm down because "it's only a bee", we hear Gumball repeat the line, but from where he has been hiding: inside his mother's skirt, which is an awfully close proximity to her naughty bits. I'm not sure how intentionally arousing that was supposed to be (it really was to me), but that's why I like this image: not only does it recapture one of my favorite funny moments of the show, but it also shows me exactly what I was thinking when I saw that happen!

The Meddler

One of my favorite Season 1 episodes, "The Meddler" starts out with Nicole coming home late from work tired. Gumball, wanting some attention, tries to talk to his mom and dad, but Richard is watching TV while Nicole is falling asleep. After being frustrated with being ignored, Nicole tries to comfort him by promising that she'll play more attention to him, and she decides to do that by coming to school with him like a helicopter parent! She basically watches over him, attempting to helping him out in many ways she tries: first she helps him get back at a bully, but when she starts feeding him and asking out Penny, a girl he likes, for him, Gumball thinks she's taking it too far!

Funny that this is the moment that Gumball thinks she's taking it too far, as Nicole even washed Gumball in the shower! He also says "Mom, you're not helping" through all the times she helps him, and all his classmates are freaked out when she was cleaning him in the shower, hence the references in the image above. Also, the reason Darwin is smiling so widely in the image is because, in an attempt to not hurt his mother's feelings, he tries to keep it up for the whole time.

Another version of the shower scene. This is a bit weird not because Gumball's getting a boner from this, but because this version of Darwin, all scaly and fishy, creeps me out. Not as much as the weird face looking thing in the other Darwin image, but still disturbing. That being said, I think many of us would have the same facial expression as he does, disturbed by seeing a son getting aroused by being cleaned by his mom. But not me.

Speaking of Penny (after a long detour), she is delighted to hear such a confession, only for Gumball with his shy personality to outright deny it. Sad, she leaves, and Gumball regrets doing that, but he takes out his frustration on his mom, telling her that he doesn't want her to meddle in his life anymore, that he can make his own decision... only to eventually call her back. He tells her that he is making a bad decision, and that he needs her help, so she rushes back in.

Turns out, his idea is he wants to make it up, and impress, Penny by trying out for the cheerleading squad and beating her at her own game! I'm... not sure why he thinks that would be a good idea, but anyway, that's why he's in the cheerleader get-up. For this image, I just like it: there's no hard lines so it has a distinctive look (almost like Wind Waker HD in terms of soft lighting), I like the face Nicole makes as she holds up a broken condom, and Gumball's reaction... all priceless.

Anyway, Nicole asks what is the purpose of her coming back (since Gumball is pretty adamant about going through with this plan), and Gumball tell her that he needs her emotional support.

Onto the cheerleading try-outs: does he succeed? Well... no: he doesn't. At all. In fact, he was the worst in the bunch, leading him to have a breakdown crying. However, before Gumball's arrival, the principal and student counselor states that Penny did so bad in her performance that someone has to be absolutely terrible for her to be accepted. So, that means, since Gumball is the worst, Penny gets accepted, and she thanks Gumball for sacrificing his dignity so she can make it in. Still crying, Gumball couldn't answer, and his mom ends up having to carry him home in her arms.

While he's being carried off, Gumball apologizes to his mom for wanting to be a man, and asks if he could still be her baby, to which she replies "the longer the better". Now, that was a pretty poigant way to end the episode, but I really like the image below because it also ties directly afterwards.

The image is actually an early animation gif created by Mike Inel/Manyakisart, who made that excellent "The Fridge" animation I featured back in the first porn blog! For this couple of seconds, it's basically a walk-animation but Nicole lactates with each step and bounce of her boobs. Gumball is wondering if this is too much, but Nicole simply says "You're still my Gummypuss, so shush and drink mommy's milk", referencing the nickname she calls him.

I already talked about "The Fridge" animation at great length in the first [url=]porn blog[/url] (new image above), but since then, Mike Inel/ Manyakisart has created another, albeit shorter and more comical! For this animation, Nicole Watterson is in their family/ living room masturbating with a dildo, and though she isn't naked, she might as well be! However, since her shirt and skirt aren't removed, but raised, this allows her to quickly cover up when she hears her son coming down the stairs without warning!

After hearing his voice, she manages to immediately snaps out of her ecstasy, pulls down her shirt, lowers her skirt over her naughty bits, and hide the dildo behind her back just in time to see Gumball in front of her!

As I speculated before in one of my recaps, I think this animation is also based on the episode (because his other two animations were based on episodes) "The Mothers". See, Gumball is heading down the stairs in a rush because he's asking for a ride to the mall for someone reason, and since they only travel to the mall in a handful of episodes, I assumed that he's trying to drag his mom to the mall. In "The Mothers", the purpose of half the episode is that Gumball is trying to prove that his mom is better than theirs, and in order to do that, he needs to being his mom to a "mom-off" that Gumball challenges two kids in his class to.

The Fridge

The final two images aren't porn images, but rather just two images that I drew myself. They're not great, but I figured it would be fitting to show how much I like the character by my attempts to draw her! This image takes place during the episode "The Fridge", more specifically the second half of the episode in which the family plays paintball with one another. I showed an image of my version of Gumball in his paintball armor during one of my recaps, and this is my version of Nicole Watterson in her paintball outift: just like the show, she's wearing the orange goggles, a tank top, cargo pants, black face paint over her whiskers, and a green-colored paintball rifle.

As for the background, it's a poorly made reference to what was said during episode: she tries to convince Gumball to play paintball, and he tells her that he only will IF she decides to do something if he wins. While she agrees to the terms, Gumball still insists that they try to have a little fun, only to find out that his family has already left to get started. Since Nicole is a competitive (and also petty, if you seen the episode "The Game" in which she handles being behind poorly), I figured she would say something like that to the notion of "playing for fun".

Christmas/ The Vacation (flashback)

This image I'm slightly proud of: I think this is the peak of my drawing abilities! Which is sad really. It also took me like 20 minutes to learn how to draw a profile face, and I still suck at it. Still, I think I did a pretty decent image!

Anyway, this doesn't really take place in an episode. Instead, it only uses a winter outfit that Nicole wore in either "Christmas" (the holiday-named episode featuring the voice of Brian Blessed), or "The Vacation" (which references one Christmas event). However, I decided, in the spirit of Valentine's Day, that I would try to draw a "romantic" image of her: I wanted her to be sitting somewhere drinking a hot chocolate during a cold night, but since I suck too much to actually draw exactly what I wanted, I decided to have her sit in a restaurant. But then I made it Valentine's Day colored by giving it a pink and red color motif, so it worked out well.

There's cupcake on the tables because I like the idea of her eating sweets, and cupcakes is the only thing I know for sure she likes. In the episode "The Friend", Anais knew that her family would try to steal the cupcakes she baked for her birthday party, so she came up with decoys: Gumball and Darwin ate lemons covered with baking soda and Richard ate toilet paper. As they sit defeated, Nicole chastises them for not respecting their sister's privacy... only to admit that hers "were made from soap". See, even she's not above stealing from her daughter: I just love her so much!

Anyway, that's my tribute to Nicole Watterson, and I did it just in time for it to still be within the month of February! There's many more images that I would've loved to display, but I don't think there were many things to say about them. Still, I'm pretty sure it's apparent just how much affection I have towards the character.

And by "affection", I mean- okay, we all know what I mean, I'll stop there. Just to mentioned, the last blog was over 3500 words, and this one is over 4000. That means over 7500 words have been typed for my dedication to the porn of this series. Let that sink in.

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3:29 PM on 02.23.2015  

Band of Bloggers - Stories from the Capital Wasteland

It's the end of February (more or less), which means that it's time for the Band of Bloggers prompts to hopefully start showing up! As you recall, The Scholarly Gamer and Fenriff have come up with this idea for a "videogame book club" where one title will be selected each month for everyone to pick up and play, then blog about! Whether you want to talk about how good it is, how thankful you are to play such an underrated gem, or simply want to curse out how bad it is, that's the purpose of this activity: to have everyone talk about the same game in whatever manner they chose!

This month's winner is Fallout 3/ New Vegas!

For my prompt, I decided to make three short fan-fiction stories based on events that happened while I was playing! These stories all happened during my time in Fallout 3 (perhaps a bit dramatized), and I gotta say, it was a joy to wander back into the Wastelands again! Without further delay, here's a couple of things I've written exclusively for Band of Bloggers!

A Drop to Die For

Wandering the Wasteland during the day, you learn to pack light: there's no need trying to kill yourself when the sun's doing that for you. Besides making sure that I got enough food and water on me, anything I can scavange, I want to make sure that I enough room to keep it. Usually, with open enough areas, you can strafe and skirt around trouble, or hide in the rocks even, so you can avoid engagements if necessary.

But sometimes... sometimes, you gotta be willing to stand in the line of fire to prevent deaths.

In this hot, barren area, I could hear shouting over a hill, so I go over to investigate. I see two men and one woman pointing their guns at two other men and another woman with their rifles at the ready, and I could tell things were going to get nasty.

"This is ours!" He points to the fridge tipped on the floor. "We saw it first!"

"Good eyes, then. I'll make sure to shoot between them."

It isn't unusual to see people willing to fight to the death in the Wasteland for stupid reasons, but this was something very worth killing for: whether that fridge is running or not, there's no denying the chance that it has some amount of purified water in it. Ever since the bombs fell, water has been irradiated so much that it gives a whole new meaning to "water poisoning", so even a sip of clean water is considered to be valuable, let alone maybe a dozen of bottles.

"Get out of here, and we won't have to kill you." He jerks his head.

"If you know what I'm about to say, you should know what I'm about to do then." The other props his gun higher.

"Whoa, there!" I immediately jump out of cover, my hands unmistakenly in the air.

These two groups are well organized: two of both sides' lower ranking soldiers snap towards me while the leaders only diverted their eyes. I walk closer slowly.

"Fellas, It doesn't have to end with y'all killing them and vice-versa." I tell them.

"What, you think you can take us all on?" The leader scoffs.

"No, dumbass, I meant this can end without bloodshed. "

The two leaders look at each other, but they couldn't see what I could see with my Perception: I could see the glimmer of hope in their eyes, a small and subtle sigh of relief.

"...How?" One woman's shoulders loosens up.

I take a step closer and closer to the fridge, my hands still up. I could see that they could see the 10mm pistol by my hip. I kneel down in front of the fridge, and I open it up. True to everyone's suspicions, there were 10 bottles of crystal clean water inside. Seeing the treasure is making both sides greedy, I take them out one at a time, placing one on one side and another on the other.

"That's 5 bottles for each side. Take your share, go home, forget this ever happened." I offer the solution.

"Fuck that, why should we have to share? We're the one who got here first!"

"And what's to stop us from killing you all and taking the rest?"

"Take a look around, geniuses: do you see where you are?" I gesture around.

"Yeah, a place no one's gonna hear us shoot," he says.

"Which also means no one around to help you if you get shot. You start shooting, one of them gets you in the chest, you won't find help for miles, and I doubt your friends are going to want to carry your ass home when your shooting attracts the Radscorpions. And trust me, you aren't going to be reason with them while you're on the ground bleeding out. So take what you got, stop being greedy assholes, and go home."

There is a silence in the air and, although begrudgingly, one person from each side carries the water while the others keep their guns trained. As both groups walk backwards, they eventually get far enough that even a sniper would have trouble getting a shot in, and once I am sure they are going to let this go, I sigh in relief myself.

I do not know what would've happened if I didn't stand up when I did: maybe one side would've been wiped out, maybe they both would've killed each other. What I do know if that, at the very least, I didn't stand back and let people die.

Last Man Standing

I don't like to kill. I try to avoid it if I can help it. Sometimes, I can talk my way out of things.

But sometimes talking isn't an option. Sometimes I'm going to need to pull out my pistol.

Either way it goes down, I'm still going to be the one standing at the end: the only difference is who will also be alive as well.

I wander into the wrong side of town. I should've gotten an uneasy feeling when I see a place entirely devoid of people in buildings as stably structured like these, but I neglect to think that in my haste to my destination.

Suddenly, a group of crazed marauders jumped me, some shooting their rifles wildly in the air as others come to kill me with melee weapons. Even with my pistol out, it doesn't seem to act like a deterrent to the people running right up to me with their lead pipes: either they are really confident that I wasn't going to shoot them, or they just don't think anymore.

I shoot them. They don't think anymore.

But that's the easy part. Hunching down behind cover, one of the assault rifle-wielding marauders spray the sheet metal shielding me while creeping closer and closer. Big mistake: they would have to reload, and that's when I get them with a clean headshot. Even bigger mistake is that now that I'm close enough to safely grab the rifle, that the tables have turned.

I jump out and spray at the rest immediately, trying to injure them as best I could. Truth be told, I don't invest much skill and practice into these larger weapons, but if I can cripple their arms or legs, then I could finish them off easily. As they continue to suppress me, a shotgunner comes in close hoping for a kill, but thankfully it's a double barrel, and the person using it sucks at handling the blowback it carries. After two missed shots, I take them out.

A shotgun wouldn't do me any good at this range, but I figured there's no harm in taking it. While I'm at it, I did see a couple of grenades sticking to this person's belt. Nabbing a few to "temporarily" borrow, I chuck them to the rest of the marauders, blowing them to bits.

With the noisy gunfire subsided, and the quiet atmosphere taking over, I figure that these guns would make great items to barter for Stimpacks, maybe even a luxury item like a Nuka-Cola. I start to scavange for supplies, happy that my bag is empty.

The marauders seem to be holding up in a building nearby, and as I pass through the door, I could see one bald-headed female's body limping at the entrance. Her head keeps bobbing up and down, but I was sure she was dead, judging by the hole in her left temple. Checking my PipBoy 3000, I could see that there's nary a red dot in sight, and that I could relax for a little bit. I don't know if these people had any friends, and I didn't want to stick around and find out, but if they do, I wouldn't want them to have these weapons.

I start looting their stuff, thinking it'll benefit me and the world more than these assholes, and head upstairs to take the rest. I check my PipBoy once more: no red dots. I continue scavanging. I check it again: no red dots. I keep searching for ammo, food, anything. I check it again: no red dots. Why am I being paranoid?

After nabbing everything I thought would be worth the weight, I decide to head downstairs. I could see that the bald-headed chick is still limping by the door, but something's off about her. I continue to head downstairs to check why, but then I realize: this bald-headed chick has no hole in her left temple as she not slump behind cover... but crouch behind. Good thing that revelation hit me before her surprise missile did.

I immediately run back upstairs and dodge the missle, though still within the blast radius. Shellshocked and blown back, I lie there in a daze, on the ground, hearing her maniacal laughter: I don't know if it's because she's about to avenge her twin sister, or if she just really want to kill anyone she sees, but she's coming for me. As she approaches the upstairs room, I instinctively grab the first weapon I could hold, and blast her in the chest as soon as she walks into view.

I didn't expect her to attempt to shoot another missile while in a building though. As the shotgun shells connect with her missile shells, it blows her up instantly, and her blood is splattered all over my face. Lying back fully, I close my eyes, assured that there would be no one else.

I wasn't standing. But close enough.

Divide and Conquer

"You ready?"



"...Oh, uh, yeah? What's up?"

"You ready?"

"...Yeah. Yeah, let's get going."

I never had a partner before to ask if I was ready or not. Usually, if I was ready, there wasn't anyone around to hear it, and I certainly wasn't going announce it to the people who were.

But it feels... strangely calm to travel with one, especially with someone who can handle an assault rifle better than I can. Knowing that someone can watch my back in hostile territory and cover me when I need to heal or reload is reassuring. Teaming up under dire circumstances, we are sent to destroy 3 artillery gun, and they're just beyond this building. With my 10mm pistol, we head into a warehouse full of guards, ready to go in guns blazing.

"What the...?" My partner is the first to note.

There wasn't anyone there. We charge in, our weapons raised, but there doesn't seem to be a soul in sight. As we stand by the entrance, we couldn't tell what happened.

"Think they heard the gunfire and ran?" He cocks his head.

"Either that or they're planning an ambush."

"What do you think we should do then?" He looks towards me.

"...Let's search the place. If they're not here, then maybe we'll find a clue as to where they went. And if they are here, then at least they won't get us both at the same time."

"Are you sure you want to split up?" He's not asking for his well-being.

"I'll be fine." I nudge my head to the left, and with a shrug, he complies and heads right.

As the sound of his footsteps gets quieter and quieter the further he gets, I try my best to keep my guard up: something about this place just doesn't feel right. Eventually, the only footsteps I hear are my own, and it's starting to creep me out. I almost wish there was people here just so I could kill them all and feel at ease.


"Oh, shit!" He calls out.

I spin around, my gun immediately raised. Gunfire echoes throughout the empty warehouse, but whose?

"You okay?" I call out after the silence. It continues. "Hey, you alright?"

I take one step forward, preparing myself for the worst for my companion... only to start to fear for my own fate.

As soon as I sense movement on my right, I fire a couple of shots, only to have my gun suddenly raised towards the ceiling. I don't know what's going on: I could feel an arm holding mine up, but I couldn't see it, aside from a very faint sheen that glows under the lights.

So this is what it looks to the enemies when I'm using a Stealth Boy.

Getting over the initial surprise, I attempt to kick whoever's holding my arm with a boot to the belly, but they must be covered in some grade-A armor because I end up hurting myself. The enemy then starts crushing my arm, forcing me to drop my pistol. Eventually, their invisibility starts fading away, and soon I could see who my assailant is.

"What are you, some kind of cyborg ninja?" I stare at his helmet.

He responds by tossing me away, ensuring that I land on my back. Needing both hands to pull a blade, he brandishes it in front of my face, ready to slice me down the middle.

Recovering quickly, I roll to the side towards where my pistol lies, hoping he doesn't know what I'm trying to do. As soon as my hands rests comfortably over the trigger, I bring myself up to a kneel, then focus as best as I could.

Everything appears to be standing still, and figuring that I have a less chance of missing by aiming for center mass, I decide to use all my shots trying to plug him in the chest. Sure, my shoes couldn't penetrate his armor, but a 10mm pistol could... right?

Clink. Clink clink clink. The enemy stands there unfazed, his helmet seemingly smiling on my futile attempts. Even with my gun, I was powerless to stop him.

But that doesn't mean I wasn't going to give up. Even if my bullets are about as effective as flinging spaghetti rings, I couldn't help but continue pulling the trigger, hoping that at least one bullet gets through.

To my surprise, one does: it blows open his helmet so fiercely that the man's head gets reduced to a bloody pulp, looking as though someone took a huge bite of a peach and stuck it in the helmet. But it wasn't mine, nor the five others to follow.

I turn around. The smoking barrel of a .44. The long sleeve of a trench coat. The fedora on top of his head.

I turn my attention back to the cyborg ninja, who lies motionless aside from the puddle of blood to seep out of him.

"Hey, I heard gunshots, was that you?"

The man I came into the warehouse with before arrives to check up on me. Aside from his slightly tussled hair and his exhaustive breaths, he seems perfectly fine.

"Damn, you really did a number on that guy!"

"Wasn't me." I couldn't take the credit. "It was-"

I rotate my body only slightly, but even at a full 360 degrees would I not spot my savior. The warehouse is empty.

"Was... what?" The man cocks his head.

"...Nothing. I meant to say 'it was nothing'."

"Whatever you say, man! Come on, let's go kill the rest of these bastards!"

"Yeah, just give me a minute."

I need to take a breather. I don't sense any more enemies, nor the guy who saved my ass. All I could see in the warehouse is my partner making his way to the exit, the dead bodies of the ninjas we fought, and a mysteriously placed, fully loaded shotgun sitting by my feet.


That's my contribution for this month's Band of Bloggers, and I hope to see what you guys have to say about Fallout 3/ New Vegas! I also can't wait to see what other titles we'll get a chance to play for the first time, or revisit in forever!

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4:11 PM on 02.19.2015  

The Amazing World of Videogame References in The Amazing World of Gumball!

I don't think it's any secret that I'm a huge fan of Cartoon Network's The Amazing World of Gumball, and even then, that might be putting it mildly: not only do I still watch reruns almost everyday, but I've watched nearly every episode over several times now, I can recite the script of a lot of my favorite ones by heart, the fan art inspired me to pick up a pen to try drawing some of my own, and I even wrote a blog about my favorite porn to spawn from it! Don't even get me started with how much time I spend looking through the rule 34 as well! I could go on and on about how I pretend to be Gumball whenever I'm fantasize having sex with Nicole Watterson, but that's not what I'm here to talk about.

At least not today. At least, not right this moment.

No, I wanna talk about some of the videogame references The Amazing World of Gumball harbors in its content! Like other shows, pop culture is something that's pretty evident, and this series has paid tribute and homage to a lot of films, books, and other things, like The Lord of the Rings in the episode "The Helmet", or District 13 and The Usual Suspects in "The Remote" (disclaimer: I didn't watch any of those movies). However, being the gamer that we are, I wanna showcase some of the nods and inside-ish references to our culture!

The Phone

Let's start with the episode with one of the most obvious tributes: you see, The Amazing World of Gumball has a unique and quite diverse cast of characters, ranging from a CGI robot to a talking balloon. The character ripe for videogame references, however, is the one named Ocho. As you can see from the image above, Ocho is a character with a retro game design, and it should be noted that "ocho" means "eight" in Spanish, which is presumably for the 8-bit graphics of back then. Not only is he pretty much a look-alike to one of the enemies of Space Invaders, but there was even a scene in the episode "The Phone" where he attacks Gumball and Darwin from above just like the aforementioned title!

In the episode, Gumball and Darwin gets a cell phone, which Darwin gets addicted texting on. After Gumball is fed up with Darwin's constant dependency, he snatched the phone to mock the person on the other line... which happens to be Ocho. Ocho is established as this pretty nice guy... but also one who is very easily angered. So, when Gumball mocks him and Ocho wants to pick a fight but Gumball won't leave his house, Ocho starts dropping bomb-like pixels at him! Eventually, Gumball and Darwin leave the safety of their house, but Darwin seemingly gets killed trying to reason with Ocho. However, he immediately reappears because he has two more lives left, another allusion to videogames!

Also, during the scene, there's a part where Gumball and Darwin says "Combo Breaker", possibly a reference to Killer Instinct!

The Tape

Since I'm already talking about Ocho, let's do another reference: the episode "The Tape" is basically a bunch of short videos, simulating kind of like a home movie kids would make. During one segment, Gumball and Darwin decides to spy on Ocho because they want to see how he operates in the real world, and to their surprise, Ocho has this little dance he does to get what he wants. For example, when he's outside of a vending machine and wants something from it, Ocho performs his dance and summons none other than a Coin Block, which he promptly hits for some dollar bills! Funny enough, Gumball tries to hit his head on the block as well, but to no avail.

That isn't all though! While the next scenario isn't very videogame-related (Ocho uses his dance to cheat on his test), the next one is: during a race, Ocho performs the dance once again... and all of a sudden, he starts flashing rainbow colors, and is able to move faster than before. Not only that, but whenever he touches the other people in the race, he is able to knock them over with ease. Sounds familiar? Ocho is using the power of the Stars in Super Mario Brothers games!

Figuring out that Ocho is using cheat codes in real life, Gumball thinks he figured out how to perform the same thing himself. As he performs the dance, the steps he announces seem awfully familiar: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, (shouts) B, A... wait a second, that's the Konami Code! However, Gumball must've done something wrong, as the second he performs the cheat, he starts glitching out!

Apparently, from what I read on the Wiki, Gumball had the code right, but the position wrong. Whenever Ocho did the code, he did the "left, right, left, right" as according to the viewer's perspective (so your left is Ocho's right), whereas Gumball did it from his own perspective (his left instead of yours). I'm not sure if that's true or not, but it seems interesting! Either way, I remember when Grand Theft Auto III warns that using cheats and saving may corrupt the game.

The Sidekick

The episode "The Sidekick", at its core, isn't really about videogames: Tobias is borrowing Gumball and Darwin's videogame, and has been making excuses to not return it, leading Gumball and Darwin to scheme for it back. So, it really just provides a context. However, the beginning is pretty cool because since they don't have their videogame, Gumball decides to use their imagination to simulate playing videogames by controlling Darwin with a controller! Do you recognize it?

Yep, that's the SNES controller! Colored differently though, not that grey and black model with purple buttons, but the button placement besides Start/ Select is still pretty true!

The Bumpkin

Not much to say here, other than when you look at the screen, you can see Darwin (who's off camera) playing game like Space Invader. If you're wondering why Gumball's about to pull the wire, the episode is about Gumball trying to convince his family to live like his friend Idaho and go completely bumpkins. They fail.

The Allergy

This is a pretty passing reference, but one that was pretty noticable to me anyway. Teri, the paper-like character shown here, is known throughout the series for being an "health" freak, so she obsesses over sanitation, germs, and all that stuff. She also likes to think there's something wrong with her all the time, so for this trip to the nurse's office, she's citing some curious symptoms: she tells the nurse that she has an unusual sensation in her stomach in addition to an abundance of drool in her mouth. She then proceeds to tell the nurse her own self-analysis, which she read off the internet: she believes she has the "G-Virus" (Resident Evil, I think), in which she will feast upon others for food, and can only be stopped with destroying the brain!

Turns out, she was just hungry.

The Society

Another passing reference: the episode starts out with a school audition for a play about the U.S. presidents, and Gumball decides to spice it up with some pop culture references! The first he makes is Robin Hood, in which he dresses in a green tunic and tells people that he wants to "steal from the rich and give to the poor". He then references Marvel's The Avengers by using Bruce Banner's explanation for why he's able to turn into the Hulk at will ("That's my secret: I'm always angry.").

There might be other ones, but the ones I wanted to point out is when he does a spinning uppercut while shouting "Shoryuken!" (an obvious nod to Streetfighter) before performing a bicycle kick followed by the words "Gumball wins... Fatality!" (definitely Mortal Kombat)

Sorry, the episode is rather recent, so there's not much images.

The Flakers

In the episode "The Flakers", Darwin and Anais, Gumball's sister, are playing a game that should sound very familiar: "The Tale of Zelmore", which is obviously supposed to be a reference of The Legend of Zelda! Driving the point home, the screenshot shows a character with a sword and a shield wearing a pointed cap and a tunic, with the "hearts" health bar system typically seen of the series.

The Promise

Alright, here's a pretty interesting episode to me as a gamer: in "The Promise", after trying to share a seat on the bus with their friend Banana Joe, who is clearly upset with Gumball and Darwin for all the bad things they did to him, Darwin promises that he will try to earn his friendship back... only for Gumball to say that they weren't. Turns out, Gumball and Darwin are anxiously awaiting for the sequel of "The Tale of Zelmore" to drop! Because Gumball and Darwin promised to play the game together, Gumball wants to stick to the promise despite Darwin's guilty conscious tempting him to help his friend.

To me, this kind of takes me back: I remember being excited whenever they announced sequels to my favorite titles when I was younger and had little cares in the world, and how I wanted to rush home from school to play a newly released game. While I didn't act crazy like they did at the announcement, as they hit refresh every five seconds in hopes of getting new information, I will admit that sometimes, especially when I know ahead of time when a review is supposed to be posted, that I'd hit refresh over and over again because I'm too excited to sleep in wake of the release. In fact, I recently did it for the review of The Order 1886!

Anyway, one more videogame reference for this episode is another obvious one: when Gumball opens the case and takes out the disc, he raises it in the air in the same manner that Link (and crew, thanks to Hyrule Warriors!) would after opening a chest! Also, perhaps the limited edition, gold colored disc is a reference to the gold cartridges of the original NES version?

The Treasure

Since this is more of an audio reference, I can't really show you it, but what happens is this: in the episode "The Treasure", the character's mom lets slip that they used to have more expendable cash than they do now, and curious, they go digging around for information about what happened to it. While they're goofing around in the attic after seemingly stumbling into a dead end, the sunlight shines through the window, reflects off the mirror, and then shines a light at the next clue. As the clue is revealed to the group, a jingle similar to The Legend of Zelda whenever you discover a secret passageway or the next stage of the dungeon plays!

The Gripes

"The Gripes" isn't really one of my favorite episodes, mostly because it was pretty lacking in much of the humor and energy I love the series for, but there are a couple of nice jokes here and there. There's one videogame nod that I think many players have done before though, and might be the joke that would fly over most people's head. The episode is about Gumball "griping" about everything in his life, and complaining about everything, he decides to play a videogame... only to complain about that too. He says, as much as he loves the game, he doesn't have the patience to get into the story, and button-mashes the controller to hurry the dialogue sequence on.

However, like a lot of those games back then, at the end of the conversation, they typically ask you if you would like to hear it all again... and the default selection is typically set to "yes". Since Gumball presses the button one too many times, the whole conversation repeats itself, reminding many gamers of that frustration.

The Name

Speaking of "button-mashing", here's another videogame reference: in "The Name", the episode starts with Gumball playing an arcade game with Darwin watching him. Never making it this far into the game, Gumball freaks out about facing the final boss, but Darwin tells him that all he needs to do is to button mash, and he's right: Gumball obtains the high school, and notes aloud "what's the point of learning combos if all you need is button mashing"?

Now, all you fighting gamers out there are probably shaking your head collectively and either facepalming yourselves, or are trying to explain how a button masher would get destroyed. Well, I don't think Gumball was playing a fighting game. When you look at this screen, it looking like he was playing something along the lines of Double Dragon, so a side-scrolling beat-them-up. Now I'm going to have to hear about how button-mashing wouldn't get you through THAT game either.

The Secret

Actually, Gumball does button mash his way to victory in a fighting game in this episode "The Secret". A little context for the episode first: Gumball and Darwin are locked in a school bathroom, so being the kids that they are, they overreact and act as though they are going to die. Gumball then tells Darwin one of his embarassing secrets, which prompts Darwin to share one of his own. However, before Darwin could divulge, Rocky, the school janitor and handyman, unlocks the door and allows them freedom, meaning Darwin wouldn't need to share that secret anymore.

So, after trying to get it out of him, Darwin just tells Gumball to forget about it over a videogame, but Gumball then button-mashes his frustrations and completely destroys Darwin. The game is a 2D fighter, and when Gumball depletes all of Darwin's character's health bar, the words "End it!" appears on screen. It's a parody or so to Mortal Kombat, and although the example earlier above actually says "Fatality!", that episode took place rather recently (last week) while this episode aired years ago as part of Season 1, Part 2.

The Refund

"The Refund" is another episode that uses videogames as more of a context to the rest of the episode, though the episode is actually perfectly fine on its own. Anyway, after buying a brand new videogame, Gumball and Darwin are eagerly awaiting to play it... only to realize that it's incompatible with the console they own. I have no idea how they could've made that mistake, as the console they own is a console with a disc-tray and not a cartridge loader like the game they bought is, but it's whatever. Anyway, notice that the cartridge looks an awful lot like one for the SNES... I think. Truthfully, I didn't own a Sega Genesis, so I have no idea if they looked like this as well, but I'm sticking with SNES. Let me know if I'm wrong.

Anyway, does the logo look familiar to you as well? That's because it's similar to the one used for one of the most loved fighting games of all time Streetfighter II. And speaking of...

The Words

Saving the best videogame references for last, "The Words" has a segment that's truly for gamers! For context, the episode is about Darwin's inability to tell people how he feels, even though they have really annoying habits. However, after Gumball teaches Darwin how to say what's on his mind, Darwin starts getting a little snippy with others, even going as far as to sing a musical number dissing people! Darwin starts getting a bit too carried away with his free speech, so Gumball challenges him to a duel in order to get him to stop, and this is where the fun starts...

As you can see, the fight starts and is displayed in 16-bit (I think?) graphics, complete with all the fixing of a fighting game: there's a VS loading screen, win markers, a timer is set to unlimited, and even a Special meter displayed at the bottom! The "health" bar, however, is actually an "ego" meter, which, while quite possibly just a coincidence, is what Duke Nukem had in Duke Nuken Forever. Regardless, the way these two characters are going to hurt each other is with insults!

The fight starts with Darwin throwing fireballs at Gumball, calling him "big head" with each one. Gumball, unfortunately, says that Darwin is "cheating" for repeating the same move over and over again, but eventually his meter drops and he is "knocked out", just like when a character loses their health bar. I'm not sure who's victory pose Darwin is mimicking... but I know Mr. Hoffmann would! Anyway, this time around, Gumball decides to strike back with his own insults in the form of hadoukens!

Meanwhile, the characters in the back watching the battle (like the bystanders in every fighting game) who were previously cheering for a fight... realizes that the "blasts" are imaginary, and thus finds the fight extremely boring and decides to bail. As Gumball defeats Darwin this time, Gumball's victory pose is the same as Chun-Li: not only does he hop up and down with "v for victory" on both hands, but he even shouts "Yatta!"

During the start of the final round, Gumball "pauses" the game, thinking that perhaps they don't need to go this much farther. However, when he sees Darwin is still playing by the way he's still performing the actions, Gumball calls out "hey, you unpaused!" and then takes several insults. Furious, Gumball then decides to max out his Special meter and does the ultimate insult: for context, Darwin is Gumball's "adopted brother" after his goldfish one day evolved, so it stings real bad when he tells Darwin that he's "not his brother", that Darwin's "only a pet who grew legs!"

When Gumball wins the fight with an Ultimate Combo, he turns his back to the camera as his pose. I don't know if that's a videogame reference or not, but I want to say that it's Akuma's signature thing to do, as I get hit with that often in Marvel vs Capcom 3. But again, Mr. Hoffmann will correct me in the comments if I'm wrong.

As the final reference, the scene then shows the "Game Over" screen that you see in Streetfighter II, complete with one character usually saying something to the loser, and that countdown timer with 9 or 10 seconds to press start to continue. However, once Gumball sees that he hurt Darwin with that insult (he also blasted him through a wall, which is weird since the "fight" is imaginary, but whatever), he shifts back to the show to tearfully apologize to Darwin, telling him why words can hurt.

Whew, that was a lot of videogame references, huh? Well, since the show has been renewed for two more season, I believe, I think that they're be more videogame references to come! Anyway, if you are a fan of the show, and think I missed something, or spot something I didn't, then let me know down in the comments below!

If you're interested in hearing about my sexual fantasies about Nicole Watterson, ALSO LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS DOWN BELOW. :P

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12:53 PM on 02.11.2015  

Pokemon Rap: My Official Dibs

Ay yo, drop me a beat?
No? Well, screw it: I didn't need one anyway!

People think I might be a little crazy
And for what I'm about to say, perhaps just maybe
There are so many girls I'd like to put in my stable
And ride them around like horses, if I'm able

But there's one girl out there that very few
Would like to admit that they would do
So I wanna give a shout out to the overlooked
And roast another until they're overcooked (well done)

So Kyle's got a crush on Gardevoir?
Man, she's got too many fans, she's like "please, no more"
She's turning you down, leaving you frozen
And y'all acting like she's the only one in Hoenn

Now Gardevoir's great, I can adore her
She's rocking that hairstyle better than a fedora.
But let's be honest, let's be frank
She ain't got an ass like my Miltank.

Plus she got a smile that you just can't hate
While Gardy's got one that looks like someone just erased.
How can you kiss someone who ain't got no lips
How can you even get close to her with her sharp red tip?

Actually, speaking of things that prick:
How can we be sure that she ain't got no dick?
Tell me again, how many Gardevoirs are guys?
You think none exist? You like living a lie?

All Miltanks are female, ain't that a kick?
Seeing four nipples and not one a dick?
Plus she ain't skinny, she ain't a twig
And whenever I'm thristy I can get a swig

Like a MILF, she got that milk
and it's about as smooth as silk
It tastes so good, it tastes so delicious
And all you haters can get malicious

That's 'cause she's a cow, and I say that carefully
She's a real nice girl and I treat her respectfully
Unlike the "fans" of Gardevoir, who treat her like a whore
then cum all over her and the fucking floor.

So what if Gardevoir's in Pokken, can she even fight?
Seems like she's suited for another type of Pokken, amiright?
Miltank might be Normal but she can take a hit
She be looking at her opponents and be like "oh, that's it?"

When my Miltank Rolls Out, she lasts 5 turns
Then gives me cold milk to help ease my burns
She's so good to me, she's so very sweet
She's got all the other Pokemons beat (hands down)

My name is Dreamweaver, and this ain't a fib
When I say that from this day forward, I call dibs
On clearly the most underrated girl of the region
Now pardon me please, it's time for mating season.

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1:16 AM on 02.09.2015  

Thoughts on AMC's The Walking Dead episode "What Happened and What's Going On?"

If you read my Saturday recaps, you know that I'm not above talking about television shows on the regular. I mean, just this week I had a paragraph talking about the anime Inuyasha because they released the first season for free over the weekend! Though, then again, I have also written about sister incest hentai manga and some deeply personal blogs so I suppose nothing is really off limits to me.

Anyway, normally, I would wait until Sunday to post about my thoughts about the Season 5.5 premiere of AMC's The Walking Dead ("What's Happened and What's Going On?"), but since I got so much to say and talk about that I can't contain my excitement, I figure that I would just write about it here!

While I wouldn't say I'm a huge fan of the series, as the TV show and the TellTale Games are my only experience (though I Wiki the comic books to see the comparisons between the "Rick Grimes" story), I really enjoy watching the TV show. Now, I get that it's not for everyone: people like the cool, action-esque zombie flicks where there's tons of blood and gore, but the main appeal to me about The Walking Dead is how much they spend time on immersing you in the experience of living in a zombie apocalypse, where it's more than just zombies and bad humans: it's about surviving in a world without hope, and trying your best not to let it break you.

And I believe this episode best exemplifies that.

[WARNING: This blog will contain spoilers for the TV show, and the comic books. I'm also writing this late at night at the spur of the moment so there's no real structure to it AND I could be rambling, so read on at your own risk!

The episode starts off with a pretty cool montage of a funeral, and it makes sense: Beth, a character who lasted since Season 2, has just been killed. Now, while I didn't like the circumstances leading to her death, nor that boring-as-fuck "Slabtown" storyline, I did enjoy her as a character, so seeing her go was a damn shame, even if we did get Everybody Hates Chris Tyler James Williams (playing Noah) as her replacement. I can't say like his character, not so much that there's something wrong with him as I don't have much reason to have any attachment just yet, but hey, I felt the same way about some of the others, and I grew to like them.

Afterwards, we see half the group heading towards the shelter that Noah used to live in before being kidnapped for a year or two. Naturally, this being a zombie apocalypse, it has fallen, and Noah isn't the only one devastated: notably, Rick, Tyreese, and Michonne are pretty bummed out as well to lose a potential safe zone, and they're starting to lose hope whereas Glenn has already written this place off during the car ride. I like how Glenn used a CD as a mirror, and as they approached the place, he snaps it in half. I totally get symbolism, even if that one was too on-the-nose.

Recall that the group has been through a lot up to this point: it's been years since the attack, and every place they either thought was safe (Atlanta) or been to under the impression that it was safe (Herschel's farm, The Prison, technically Woodbury, and recently Terminus) has turned out to be short-lived, or downright dangerous. The show tackled themes of depression before, such as Beth's "desperate for a drink" subplot a little while back, but you can really feel like the group here is starting to wonder if all they'll ever do is just "survive".

Speaking of survival, this episode focuses heavily on Tyreese, played by Chad Coleman. Tyreese, to me, has been my third favorite character of the TV series (next to Rick Grimes and The Governor) because he feels like a radically different character in this scenario: while we first see him as a able zombie killer with his trusty hammer, after spending some time in the safe zones Woodbury and The Prison, he has gotten not just softer, but less inclined to kill. Tyreese even became someone very admirable in a world like this: not only does he NOT kill Martin for threatening to end a baby's life, nor Carol for killing his girlfriend, but he even forgave them.

As we all know, it's usually the people with a conscious that are the first to go, and sadly, after the episode also starts off with a bit of his backstory during the car ride, I could tell he was gonna die. See, Noah tries to console him that Beth's death wasn't his fault. If you recall, there was two options to deal with Beth's kidnapper: either they go in and silently kill everyone and extract her OR negotiate a deal. Tyreese manages to convince the others to do the latter because he thought there'd be no deaths on either side (remember that the deal only went south when the kidnapper's leader Dawn tried to take back Noah AND Beth stabbed Dawn in response).

Anyway, since Tyreese blames himself before choosing that option, Noah feels the need to relieve him of the bruden. However, Tyreese tells him that it went down the way it was always gonna go down, and that he isn't entirely "shocked" by it: see, his father used to "make" him listen to horrible news on the car radio because, in order to survive in the world, he couldn't turn away from what was happening around them, and this becomes a recurring theme.

After Tyreese motivates Noah, who fell slightly comatose after seeing the destruction of his safezone, that he should live because of what happened to Tyreese (who threw himself to a group of Walkers to fight to the death, only to survive and eventually save the baby Judith mentioned earlier), Noah wants to see his home. Tyreese accompanies him, and after leaving Noah to mourn his dead mother, Tyreese goes to investigate: he hears one zombie for sure, but he couldn't help but get distracted by a dead body of a young child, and as he looks as the photos on the wall, he gets bit in the arm.

Now, let me just defend Tyreese for a bit because I know a lot of people are gonna be like "that's so stupid: he KNEW there's a zombie yet he doesn't take care of it". Well, Tyreese, at this point, has stopped "unnecessarily" killing Walkers: while better safe and sorry, Tyreese couldn't take the constant killing anymore (shown throughout several episodes), that it's finally wearing him down. So, he no longer opts to do it unless absolutely necessary, which he didn't believe it was because he only heard one zombie, and it was supposefully locked behind a door (he does end up getting attacked by that zombie as well though).

I also want to say, for anyone saying he was distracted, how many times have you go out to do something, only to get distracted and realize five minutes later "oh shit, I spaced out?" Everyone makes mistakes. Even the black samurai Michonne almost got killed because when she used her sword to slice off a Walker's head, it was protected by a piece of rebar. Plus, he was hurt by seeing a dead child on a bed: even though most people would've "hardened" to it by now, Tyreese still had his empathy and emotions, and it just overtook him. I also liked how they used twins (one as a dead child and the other as a Walker) for this scenario because it further drives the point home that it's his emotions that gets him.

After Tyreese gets bit, Noah runs off to find the group, leaving Tyreese by himself to bleed out. Tyreese is starting to feel the blood loss and infection, and thus hallucinates in a damn cool way. Remember back in the prison when Rick Grimes hallucinated that a telephone "worked", and that the people on the other end telling him that there "was" a safe haven turned out to be voiced of the dead members of his original group? Well, this was SO much better.

As Tyreese is bleeding out, he hallucinates seeing Martin, the guy I mentioned earlier who tried to kill the baby. Martin is saying the same things that he told Tyreese earlier when he was alive (for clarification, Martin was only beaten by Tyreese, and later killed by someone else): if you're going to be a good guy in this world, you're going to get killed, and since Tyreese got bit due to his emotions over the death of a boy distracting him, Martin seems right in that response. Furthermore, he tells Tyreese that since Tyreese "forgave" him and let him live, it was his fault that his group came back and kidnapped Bob, whose foot they ate because they were cannibals.

Then, in another surprise cameo appearance, Bob is in the room, and he tells Martin that he's wrong, as Bob reveals that he was already going to die since he was bitten in the chest on a supply run. However, Martin keeps telling Tyreese that he should've killed him in order to save the group from their attacks anyway. Adding to the tension of the scenario, Tyreese not only hallucinates that the radio in the room is playing horrible news, but he later sees my favorite character, The Governor (reprised by David Morissey), whom Tyreese briefly allied with. The Governor, in case you don't remember, is a ruthless badass, and it was not only awesome to see him again, but in context of this "internal struggle" moment.

The Governor reminds Tyreese that Tyreese once said that he was willing to do anything to stay in the safe zone Woodbury, but that now Tyreese couldn't do it after all. We then see Lizzie and Mika (the two girls in the episode "The Grove") come back, reminding Tyreese that not only should he not feel bad for not wanting to be ruthless, but that it's better he's not. I thought this was a nice touch because, if you remember in this episode, Lizzie is a psychopath who killed her sister Mika to turn her into a zombie, and even though Tyreese and Carol agreed that Lizzie should be "taken care of", Tyreese wasn't able to do it himself. However, The Governor says that Tyreese needs to "pay his price", and then we see "The Governor" is actually a zombie!

After dealing with another zombie in a pretty cool way (the zombie was more powerful now that Tyreese is weakened so, to distract the zombie from biting his neck, he shoves his already bitten arm into the zombie's mouth), he further starts to hallucinate with Beth's singing. After her short song, she and the rest of the "group" that Tyreese no longer needs to fight anymore, and that it's okay to left go.

However, The Governor and Martin further chastise that Tyreese couldn't adapt to the world, and in a powerful scene, Tyreese defends himself from the criticism from The Governor by telling that he knows what kind of person he is, and how bad the world was because of the radio mentioned earlier: no matter what kind of news he heard, he never ignored it, and that he wanted to stay true to the kind of person he was because he wanted to do something to help, not add on to the problems of the planet. He believes that people like him CAN make it in this world, but The Governor is insistent that he "pays his bills".

Afterwards, Tyreese's arm is held up by Lizzie and Mika... only for them to be Rick and his group, ready to save him by amputating his arm like they did Herschel's foot when he got bit. The resulting visual style of this episode was awesome: as Rick and his group tries to escort Tyreese to the car, Tyreese constantly fades in and out of consciousness, so it shifts back and forth between what's happening in the real world, and what's playing out in Tyreese's mind, giving the whole episode a "Dreamlike" quality to.

Earlier, although I had the gut feeling that Tyreese was going to die because of the beginning of the episode, I wanted to believe that he could actually make it, especially after his short speech. Unfortunately... that doesn't happen, and I refound that sad realization during the car ride back. As Tyreese is bleeding out or succumbing to the infection in the car ride, he hallucinates hearing the radio one more time, and after a while, he shakes his head and asks to "turn it off".

Hearing that line made my heart sank so much, like you don't even know. I wanted so desperately for Tyreese to live because I wanted to see him prove that good people can make it. But after that line, and seeing the group pull over to check on his final condition, he was gone, and it made me feel depressed. Now, it may not be saying much because I tend to take characters' deaths more personal than others (R.I.P. T-Dogg, Bob, Meryl, Lizzie, Mika, Beth, etc.), but Tyreese's death really gets to me.

It's surely the most memorable death I've seen in not only this show ("The Grove" was equally amazingly eye-catching), but in tons of other media because it wasn't just about a character dying: it was the internal struggle shown in a really awesome, also fan-servicey way. I'll admit that as soon as I saw The Governor, I literally squealed: I love his portrayal of that character (the comic one is such a dick) and I was so glad they found a creative way to bring him back without seeming forced (since he was referring lines said all the way back in Season 3).

Anyway, personal attachment aside, I really loved this episode: while it didn't have the awesome action scenes and casual brutality as the Season 5 premiere "No Sanctuary", this episode had great writing (aside from one glaring flaw: why the hell is Noah, the guy with one messed up leg, is able to OUTRUN everyone else?), features a culmination of the tiny seeds planted throughout the seasons, and had an amazingly cool visual style reminiscent of The Governor's solo affairs in Season 4 ("Live Bait", another one of my favorites).

If I had to give this episode a score (this isn't a review as more as it is my thoughts on it), I would give it a 9.25, if not higher. The cameos were well done, and Chad Coleman was just amazing, but it isn't the only reason why I enjoyed it: even Rick's side of the episode was great, as we saw Michonne becoming desperate for a safe haven. When she kept trying to come up with ideas to salvage an overrun area, you could just sense her desperation, and Glenn's lack of resolve despite having been the funny one in the earlier seasons just shows that they're tired. I also liked how the funeral in the beginning was really for Tyreese rather than the recently released Beth for that surprise red-herring. Overall, this is one episode that I'll be remembering the name of for a while, especially since it's pretty damn catchy.

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7:09 PM on 01.30.2015  

Comments of the Week - Ready for Round 2?

You thought I wasn't watching.

You thought I wasn't aware of your antics in the comments.

You thought I was just sitting here, masturbating to hentai.

But guess what, punk?

...I WAS.

But I can multi-task.

Welcome to Round Two of Comments of the Week, hosted by yours truly, Dreamweaver! Comments of the Week is a showcase of all the wonderful comments created by the community for people who may not have time to scour every single article on Destructoid, or for those who would like a sample of some of the funny stuff goes down here! As always, comments will be placed under these lovely categories:

TRUTH: for times when you gotta stand up and applaud.

LOL: for times when you gotta throw your head back and laugh.

WUT?: for times when you gotta wonder "what the what?"

Without further delay, here's what them wacky Dtoiders say!

From Gearbox 'ready to start' Borderlands 3, begins hiring process

Dreamweaver: But then who will make the inevitable DLC for the Season Pass?

From Where is our Dying Light review?

Dreamweaver: Chris Carter has more Power to the Players than Gamestop.

From Touhou games may come to Playstation this year

Dreamweaver: What is thine "hentai" thou speakth of? And is there any of me?

From Witcher 3 may have Insanity Mode, deletes your save upon death

Dreamweaver: Ha, totally got me with that!

From Get your knives out: A list of the best point objects in the business

Dreamweaver: Sorry Sephzilla: you gotta come quicker than that.

From Phriday Night Phights: Phil is Dead

Dreamweaver: He confessed, but the joke's on him: never put Phil that close to your grandma.

From Get hard with Battlefield Hardline open beta

Dreamweaver: America: fuck yeah!

From Jessica Nigri is the new voice of Super Sonico

Dreamweaver: Oh, snap, he's the one! GET HIM!

From Where is our Dying Light review?

Dreamweaver: See, communication is important!

From Here are some things Bill Platt could have purchases instead of Amiibo

Dreamweaver: That's why they're called "Amiibos", amiright?

From Reptile confirmed to return in Mortal Kombat X

Dreamweaver: Those cold-blooded bastards.

Dreamweaver: Zoo gotta be kidding me with that.

From Already done everything in Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes? Try rolling everywhere

Dreamweaver: There are fates worse than death, like public humilation. :3

From Custom Mewtwo amiibo even has its own box

Dreamweaver: "Monster? I hardly know her!"

From Nintendo financials: 9.2m Wii U, 1.9 New 3DS sold

Dreamweaver: It was the peer pressure.

From Review: Nihilumbra

Dreamweaver: Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. What a jerk.

FromA Five Nights at Freddy's 3 trailer to ensure you don't sleep at night

Dreamweaver: I think "Wut?" is the best way to describe this.

From Unreal 4 can help make some ridiculously photo realistic apartments

Dreamweaver: ...The white stuff wasn't white when they bought it, was it?

From Ermac joins Mortal Kombat X roster

Dreamweaver: He's looking a little... wooden. Wait, are cardboard boxes made of wood?

From Senran Kagura: Estival Versus gets a whole new batch of voyeuristic screenshots

Dreamweaver: There are no words to describe how awesome that is.

Welp, that's it for this edition! As you noticed, I snip a bit of the article in order to provide just enough context so you could get the gist of the joke. Let me know if it's not necessary, or if it's a good idea. Again, still rough around the edges, I know (some of the pictures looks tinier than I expected them to be), but I hope you enjoyed it!

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