Author's Note: I wrote this a few days ago and kept this hidden until now as things in my current situation have fallen through completely. I know this isn't the place but I needed somewhere to bitch. Sorry. =P tl;dr is "lol relationships" if you don't care to read.

For a few years now, I've had two pages bookmarked, things I look at occasionally when I need to, to be inspired or whatnot. The first one is a rant about how women keep going back to their abusive boyfriends/husbands. The second is a much longer read, another thing about women going for "bad boys" and pass on people who would treat them well, as well as an interesting experiment. I have my own little tidbit to throw into the fire here.

Suicide is a touchy issue for me. As far as I know, no one I've personally known has offed him or herself, but I'm now up to three people (all women) who have at least told me of their intent. The kicker? All three were about guys--the very same ones they were dating.

The first one was ironically enough, about me. It was my first relationship, and this was in high school. I had flirted and done the cutesy note-passing crap we all did back then, and I found myself in a relationship. For a week. I saw her once over Spring Break and spent time with her, and within about three days, she broke up with me. Over an offline IM. What gets me though is that she felt so badly about doing whatever it was to me that she wanted to "cut (herself) until the pain goes away" and self-destruct for the most part. Now, despite the fact that we weren't anything at that point and I wasn't able to get attached to her in such a short time, I still did my civil duty and talked her out of it. Was she serious? I have no clue--I wasn't about to take that chance, honestly. I managed to talk her down but we drifted apart after that. That's fine and all.

The second one was with an online friend, who happened to also be in an online long-distance relationship with someone several thousand miles away on the other side of the world. She never met him, by the way. She "dated" him for a few years, and she took the news of him finding a real-life girlfriend a bit hard. She was a student at the time and said to me that she was just going to drive recklessly to school, probably cut over the center lane...once again, I couldn't tell if she was serious. But given how later on she could make herself sick by thinking about him or if anything that reminded her of his RL girlfriend came up, I can't help but think she was serious. I managed to talk her down too, pretty much told her to stay home, don't go out, don't fucking kill yourself because of someone like that. The cruel thing was that she continued to get into online relationships after this. In fact, she even got back together with the guy who drove her to suicide in the first place! How the fuck does that work?!

And that leads me to the most recent and currently final entry today. The third one is someone who I've tried to be involved with lately, but she wound up getting a boyfriend while I was in the process of asking her out, so things have been weird. I did manage to ask her what she wanted out of a relationship and she wanted something serious, not something physical. So imagine my skepticism when she texts me one day calling herself a whore. I manage to get enough out of her that she gave her boyfriend head and that was the main reason she felt that way. I didn't get any more information beyond that, but moving on. So she suddenly changes her tone one night as I'm talking with her, and apparently her boyfriend put a week-long talking ban on her because she friended a guy online, which he called "going behind my back." She didn't take this well at all. It was even worse for me because I had feelings for her, and I had all the more reason to stop her. How am I supposed to know if she meant it? I'd rather try for no reason than come to find out she wasn't kidding around.

She didn't go through with it too, but she also went back to the boyfriend who made her feel like a whore and was petty enough to block her for something stupid. I especially like the parts where she wants to mutilate him but still sees him fine enough to date. Maybe I take too much stock in what people say?

Yeah, three's enough. I'm sure many people could talk their friends out of suicide without a problem. Some friends may pull that shit often. Some people do it for attention, and some may be serious. But I just can't do it, talking people out of such a thing. If I were poetic, I'd say something about how it wounds my very soul, but it takes a lot out of me and it honestly depresses me too. Why did these people look at that first when things go poorly? I know my point of view is different because in most cases, I'm on the outside of the relationship so I can see everything in a different way, but two friends were deluded and so attached to someone that they thought death was better than being without him. And those two wound up going back to their boyfriends. #2's boyfriend fell too deeply into an MMO to really pay attention to her (online relationship and all) so she called it off, and #3 is too recent to tell things*. For all I know, they'll break up again this weekend and this nightmare carnival will start anew.

I don't want to do this ever again. At least, find myself in a situation where I'm gonna have to convince someone to not jump or put the knife/gun down or step away from the noose or...whatever. I'm too nice to just allow someone to do such a thing. I've been fortunate in that so far, all of my encounters with such situations have been online. Anyone who knows me personally says how articulate and wordy I am through text, but in-person am so quiet and hard to talk to. I fear the day that I'm going to have to do this in person.

I know I'm complaining. After all, two of the three wound up going back to the very people who brought them to this early conclusion. That boggles me. It's like...you blow off your fingers playing with firecrackers. Do you honestly keep playing with them? Oh, I'm sure some do. But others see the risk and say it's not worth losing more fingers or a whole hand or whatever. What is it that drives those who keep playing with something dangerous? With the firecrackers, they may be thrill-seekers and risk-takers of the highest degree. But I can't wrap my head around bad relationships. Why go back to him if he treats you badly? Why go back if he makes you feel like a whore? Why go back if he drove you to suicidal thoughts?

Maybe that happens when you're really into a relationship. I wouldn't know. #2 was long-lasting, but #3 hasn't even dated for a month and she went off the deep end over nothing. I just can't understand.

*Update: I have decided to break off contact with #3 for the most part. She's crazy. I mean, she actually told me that if she got angry with me, she could say that I raped her. I haven't been alone with her away from the public eye and I've been nothing but a good friend to her, and she says something like that? Fuck you. And her boyfriend has done nothing but insult her and has even quite plainly broken up with her, yet she still went back to him because "it's a challenge." She even sees that their relationship is going to fail! So why...?

But whatever. I'm done with this, rant over. *throws down drumsticks, walks off field*