The following posts were lifted from Larry's Super-Kawaii Neko Blog just hours before the forces of Mishima Zaibatsu invaded Rhode Island "for practice" and turned Larry's home into a pile of rubble. They have been preserved here so that we might learn something about the motivations of the evil Tekken Force from a young man who had briefly trained with them...
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Ohaiyo gozimas, fellow gaijin! It's your old pal Larry again!

I finally got that sweet gig in Japan I was hoping for! I saw on Craigslist that some company called the Mishima something-or-other was asking for people to join some sort of "evil army capable of taking on the armed forces of major nations." I'm sure it was just an exaggeration, but I couldn't pass this chance to travel to Japan, so I kinda fudged a few things on my resume: I said that I was proficient in firearms training, had military experience, few moral qualms about killing people, physically fit, sociable, hygenic and knew how to speak Japanese fluently. But now I'll get to travel to Japan, all expenses paid baby! I'm so gonna get that raw manga and K-ON! body pillow I've been saving up for!

Sayonara!
--Larry-kun, Monday, 5:00 PM

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Ohaiyo gozimas! Larry here, from glorious Japan!

After getting off the plane, I was dragged into a truck by some men wearing dark red stormtrooper gear. I thought that maybe my fantasies had finally come true! That they knew I had a hidden power and that they had sought me to save the world from whatever evil demons threatened it! I was so pumped that I started quoting lines from the latest season of Gundam 00 in anticipation of the mech I was sure they would give me. I mean, the Exia is nice and all, but the Cherudim has heavy firepower that could vaporize enemies from a distance. Oh original Lockon Stratos, you were too good for this world...



Then the next thing I know, they tell me to get off the truck and I'm in a military base. They shave my head and hand me a helmet and a uniform. I ask if they have anything in a larger size, but they just laugh in response. I think one of them shouted "Katsu-chan!" and started making pig-snorting noises. I thanked them for reminding me that I should visit Katsu Con when I get back to America and struggled my best to fit in the suit so as not to appear dishonorable. I also asked them if they had a different color of stormtrooper suit. They laughed again. I know I am not a native-born Japanese on the outside, but on the inside I am sure they will realize I am like their "onee-chan."

Sayonara!
--Larry-kun, Wednesday, 7:00 AM
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Ohaiyo, fellow readers! It's your old friend Larry here!

Today I found out that we were selected to become part of this super-secret military force called the Tekken Force! Awesome! We get guns and cool body armor and everything! I asked if we were fighting for the glory of Japan or for the chance to end war, and this older guy named Hawk or something slapped me across the face of my helmet with his armored fist. Thanks to my helmet, I could read the english subtitles as he spoke to me in his native tongue, but I think the translator was broken. I mean, he couldn't have really said, "Dear God, they must be really fucking desperate to accept a fatass like you." "Kami-sama" is how they say "God" in Japanese. I learned that from watching anime online.

Then they told me to run laps up a mountain. I asked if they could perhaps just throw me in the truck like last time, but then Hawk kicked my ass so hard that purplish sparks flew out. Apparently, they installed that feature recently as a training device on the Tekken Force armor so people wouldn't die from the attack, but it still hurt like a bitch. I decided to give it my best, for if Thor from the Kenichi manga could handle such abuse at the over-exaggeration of his weight and still fight against his enemies, then so could I.
--Larry-kun, Thursday, 9:00 PM

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Hey folks, I know it's late for you readers in America, but I have faced true prejudice while training with the Tekken Force.

They won't let me go into Akihabara!

I just want to go out and buy some manga and doujinshi to show my internet friends back home, but then some guy code-named Falcon yelled in Japanese, "You're 25 years old! Why are you still reading children's comics?" I began to show him the error of his preposterous presumption that all manga was made for children, and that even the lowest of Japanese graphics contained story and character designs that outshone even the best American comics. But he didn't care. Instead he tossed me a protein bar and yelled at me to run a mile in my armor.


That's Falcon in his training armor. Sorry the pic is blurry, but he's such a "baka yaro" he broke my cell-phone camera!.

I tried to prove to him that I could do it, but the armor was so tight and constricting that I collapsed in front of the barracks after I ran about 30 feet. Hey, that's like a first down in American Football! I'm sure plenty of football teams would want me to play for them, like that lineman from Eyeshield 21! Even so, that jerkass Falcon kept calling me "Katsu-chan," making pig-snorting noises and kicked my buttplate until the purplish sparks started to turn brown.

Hey, it's not my fault! I've been eating awful cuisine here for days! They won't let me eat real Japanese food like crabmeat sushi or General Tsao's Chicken! They don't even have pizza here! I thought I would see more of Japan that this stupid army base. I would tell you that it's somewhere near Mt. Fuji, but they made me sign a non-disclosure agreement. Hey mom, if you're reading this, please send me a care package with all the Pocky you can!
--Larry-kun, Saturday, 7:00 AM
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It's Larry again, today was probably the worst day of my life. Yes, even worse than when my Second Life girlfriend broke up with my online persona.

Today we were told that some guy named Jin Kazama was stopping by, and that we were expected to be on our best behavior. Must be an important guy, as even Hawk and Owl were real quiet during the briefing. I squeezed into the suit as best as I could, made sure it was polished with scars of battle thanks to a black dry-erase marker I managed to sneak out of the briefing room. I'm sure the scratches would make me look more manly in front of him.


That's Jin! Isn't he "sugoi?"

We lined up in rows on the parade grounds, and then Jin Kazama stepped out of a helicopter, followed by some pretty American blonde. Oh, how I wish I was in her place right now! I made sure to clap the loudest so that this Jin guy would notice me, and shouted, "Jin-senpai!" to make him feel good. Apparently, my American emotions must have set him off, as he stepped down from the podium and walked up to me. I thought he would congratulate my enthusiasm for being part of his evil army and promote me to Falcon. Instead, he punches me so hard that my armor bends in on itself and red sparks start flying out.

Let me get this straight: We have ceramic plating that can stop most bullets and shrapnel, kevlar that can minimize a blunt-force impact embedded in our body armor, and none of it can stop a single punch or kick? I thought Jin would appreciate knowing that whatever guy he's buying this armor from is ripping him off.

Apparently, Jin made a personal note to kill the defense contractor currently supplying his army, and then gave me a reward of a plane ride home.
--Larry-kun, Tuesday, 2:00 PM
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Ohaiyo gozimas!

I feel like I know even more about the Japanese system of honor and glory after my excruciating almost-two-week ordeal working with the Tekken Force. I feel more physically fit and healthy now after that training to become part of an evil army. Even if they didn't want me, I'm sure that whole "evil" bit was just an exaggeration. Sure, that Jin Kazama guy has declared war on the whole world, but obviously we've done something to deserve it. We should thank him for having the foresight to expand Japanese industry to all parts of the globe by force!

New anime reviews to come tomorrow, assuming that no military forces accidentally cut my broadband lines. Hey, Falcon, Hawk, Owl, if you guys are reading this, then come over to my house and we can watch anime together. You'll see that it can be fun for both kids and adults! My door is always open for you guys.

Sayonara!
--Larry-kun, Friday, 3:00 AM