I guess, in my 20 some years on this Earth, you could say I've never really known what it was to be loved. At least not in that somehow unique form of love that can only be expressed from a parent. The only reason I use the word "unique" is because I'm guessing that form of love has to be different from something experienced from a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. Though I have no experience with the former, so guessing what it feels like will just have to be left to my imagination.

Either way, in lieu of putting any effort into raising me, they left whatever latest video game console to do the job for them. "Why waste any time doing it ourselves" is the general consensus I've always assumed my parents came to when they bought me my first console, a Sega Genesis around the age of 2 or 3.



I can't say it was a completely bad thing though. Surely against the best of my parents knowledge, they're the ones who actually gave me a tool to escape their own brand of neglect and emotional abuse. It's a bit of an ironic situation, actually being grateful to your parents for providing you with a means to drown out their bullshit.

Nowadays I no longer use video games as my escape because I've drilled it into my head that I only have a year or 2 more living with them before I graduate from college and they'll be washed off my hands clean for good. I can't deny how valuable it was that I did have that medium for the first 18 years or so of my life that I was able to use and completely lose myself in.

There was even a point in my life where my parents thought it'd be a neat idea to see what it was like if they never had a son, so they dropped me off at my grandmoms place and sort of just left me there for an extended period of time. I've since blocked out a huge portion of my memories during this period. The one thing that stands out though was the way I dealt with the crushing loneliness, and of course it was done with the help of video games. I even became acquainted with my favorite video game during this time, Final Fantasy IX. So, it wasn't all bad.. right?



There's a problem with escapism though. Eventually, your problems will catch up with you, and whatever you used to keep those bottled up feelings in the back of your mind at bay won't be enough to hold it back anymore. Close to four years ago, I've realized I was just running away from my problems at home. I used video games(as well as a slew of other things I won't touch on here) as a thinly-knitted blanket to hide under when shit got to real. One day I just had a feeling, a crushing and sudden realization where I truly felt alone in this world. I lost all interest in anything I held dear to me, including my previous hobby and escapist tool of video games. This led to a year long depression, and a tough time in my life that still remains a tough issue for me to speak openly about.

I think it goes without saying, that rough patch nearly destroyed me. Without the help of some good friends and a newfound, general sense of direction for my life, I wouldn't have been able to make it out of that alive. To this day I'm not 100% sure how I was able to get over it. I do however have a few ideas. One of them being a realization that it just doesn't matter what my parents say to or think of me. It would have certainly been nice to grow up with their love in my life, but even without it I still have plenty of other people who do think of me beyond just being a burden in their life. It was around this time too that I decided to go college, which is part of that newfound sense of direction I mentioned above.

The biggest help during this time though was a return to interest for my old hobbies. Mainly music, comics, and of course, video games. It was a year long gap where I didn't keep up with any video games news at all, so I had a lot to catch up on. I remembered that sort of magnetic pull towards the niche clique of gaming that I adored so much, so I set off to find what I've missed during this down time. Somehow I came across Kotowari, a personal gaming blog run by one man and powered by his love for gaming. Everything he reported on during that time was something that really interested me, and helped propel me back into one of my favorite pastimes. Since then I've become very good friends with him and his girlfriend, who happens to be the designer and programmer for his site. They've become irreplaceable friends to me, and we even got to meet in person and vacation together a few weeks ago in LA, and even attend E3 during all of this! I can't thank them enough for helping me through that tough time in my life, however indirectly it might have been, and for that I'm forever grateful.

What I've learned through all of this is that, no matter what problems you have to live through in your life, it's best to face them head on instead of finding ways to keep yourself distracted. While I'm glad that video games are such a huge part of my life, I truly regret hiding behind them for all those years, and letting my emotions bottle up until I finally cracked. I didn't want to face reality, so for a long time I continually ran away from my problems. You just need to sit back, relax, and not let things get the better of you.