One year ago today I joined this community. It was quite good. It had been an aspiration of mine to be some kind of gaming writer type person for around five years prior, since I used to immerse myself in the UK Official Nintendo Magazine
of ye olden days, and dream of being one of those
guys. The guys whose words inform, provoke, entertain: charged with the passion of one’s interests, regardless of how niche they may be. Writing for an audience that is eager to listen is really what I’ve wanted to do with my time, and one year and twenty-eight articles later (four front paged – thanks!) I think I’ve found the place to do so. Destructoid is a great entity to be a part of with a fantastic cast of writers, so I’d like to give my gratitude to every person who has made this place the glorious geek haven/common sense/intellectually stimulating/profoundly entertaining/Also, Cocks/Chad Concelmo/welcoming place that it is. Happy fourth, and here’s to many more to come. Peace.
, this other thing. I’ll set the scene. It begins on a snowy evening of utmost despair. My partner and I were attending the wedding reception of a cousin of mine, arriving late when the atmosphere had already winded down. The celebratory pig had been unknowingly wheeled out leaving us no food, elderly relatives that even I didn’t know were out to cheek-kiss every being in sight that hadn’t been on this planet to know what the seventies were like, and the dance floor was plugged with traditional British cheese. Not the edible kind; the stuff that makes your ears curl and want to either end your life or put on a sweater vest and boogie at that very moment. So, in light of the terrible music and no expensive food to eat (is there any other reason to attend a wedding?) we began the dialogue tract which would conceive the following story: first, how amazing would it be if it were Chad’s song from the last Retroforce playing up there, second, to finger banging (still part of the dialogue) and finally, she turned to me and asked, “how awesome would a Chad Concelmo/Phoenix Wright fanfic be!?” Oh dear, I thought.
I’d take it as a testament to what Destructoid is. We don’t talk of it as we would other gaming websites; it’s not a place I visit solely to get news, or to have my peace of mind validated with a review number. This is something else entirely, though what exactly that is would require more words than I could ever understand.
I take no credit for the following. Only minor edits and some horrendous evidence that I need to learn/buy Photoshop were a result of my hand. Everything else, however twisted, brutal, insane, (adjective) was a result of her hard work and knowledge of this place. So without further word count, I do hope you enjoy the following tale, as I know she does too. Happy Birthday!
(Aside: I also hope you enjoy Retroforce Go, the Ace Attorney series, Sterling's Videogame Show, and are aware of the horrors of slash fiction. It’s going to be a big one!)
Yeah, I remember this bit. It was from the second game, wasn't it?
Turnabout Old Lady Punched in the Face
It was a cold Sunday morning and Gumshoe had better places to be, one of which would be his own warm bed. However there would be serious trouble if he didn't get this mess cleared up as soon as possible: the park was empty at the moment but soon people would wake to the world and this gruesome murder. The body of the elderly woman lay face down on the dewy grass, about 5 metres from the path with a young ash tree between the two. She was found by man walking his dog; if only he could get a nickel for every time someone with a dog found a body... Well he would have a lot of nickels. Gumshoe being the first on the scene could only assume this is how the killer had left the scene and that nothing had been disturbed. He scanned the area looking for anything out of the ordinary, which could give him some idea who could have done such a thing. To his disappointment there was nothing to make his job easier. Checking to make sure that there was no one else around he turned his attention to the deceased. After reassuring himself that there was nothing vital on the back of the body he reached to turn it over.
“Gumshoe!” The sudden exclamation made him jump out of this skin and a small yelp escaped his lips. He stood up quickly and swivelled on his heels so fast he nearly fell backward on to the corpse. “Careful you buffoon” Edgeworth's scowling face loomed in front of him. “Your be glad to hear that the killer has already handed himself in. So hurry up and wrap this scene up already.” Edgeworth was going to continue by adding in a few other insults, but after noticing that Gumshoe's attention had already wandered past his figure he turned head to follow the ape-ish detectives’ line of sight. The man he saw made his heart sink to his stomach: Phoenix Wright. He didn't have a clue why he was here but he'd soon find out. Leaving Gumshoe to do his detective act and stormed up to Phoenix. “Don't tell me you’re the Defence for the suspect. This is clearly a guilty verdict so there isn't much for you to do anyway, Wright.”
“I, erm. Well. I haven't actually met up with my client yet.” He had received a mysterious phone call that morning, not even an hour ago asking him to defend the supposed killer. In an attempt to avoid a confrontation such as this he had hurried to the scene of the crime before meeting with the man. “I'll have to speak to him before any plead can be decided,” he replied quickly, his face reddening, before attempting to psychically damn Edgeworth for knowing more about his client then him. They were both distracted from their bickering by Gumshoe's yelling.
“Hey you guys, you had better check this out.” He waved them other. “Someone's punched this old lady in the face.” As they both approached they could plainly see that that was just what had happened. There was a fist imprint directly in the centre of her face. “Gawd, that must have been one hell of a right hook.”
“Who could have actually done that?” Phoenix looked and gasped; it would have taken beyond human strength to leave a mark like that.
“The man waiting in jail for you.” Edgeworth bluntly answered him. “Now I advise you stop nosing around here and go sort out your plea. I will see you in court.” Phoenix stood there a few moments trying to think of some kind of comeback, however finding that the words had failed him he settled on sulking off with his tail between his legs.
Picture unrealted to scene.
Phoenix had riled himself up to face the man who had already claimed his guilt. He had read the files of Chad Concelmo; there were no previous convictions or anything that would suggest he could commit such a serious offence. He walked in the familiar room and gained his first look at the blond man with his boyish charm.
“Mr Concelmo?” Phoenix sat down on the chair and observed him from the other side of the glass partition.
“Just call me Chad.” He looked nervously in to in lap. “I think you might have made a mistake mister...”
“Wright, Phoenix Wright.” He imputed felling like an idiot using such a sleazy line.
“ I didn't hire any defence attorney. I'm... guilty.” At the last word his eyes filled with tears. All it took was that look for Phoenix to know that the man before him was innocent from the depths of his heart. All he had to now was find out why he was lying.
“I'm not sure who called me to take your case, but whoever they were they assured me that you were being falsely charged and I believe them.” Phoenix gave him his best winning smile. “Its okay Chad, I can get you off.” Phoenix nearly face palmed as he realised what just said, he had never been so embarrassed but at least it seemed to have cheered Chad up who has attempting not to laugh. “That came out wrong. What I mean is if you just tell me why you're pleading guilty then maybe I can sort it out.” Chad actively looked round the room before leaning as close as possible to the Perspex glass.
“Okay, I didn't do it and what's more I know who did. It was…” Chad recoiled for a second, before continuing his sentence. “It was Jim. He was always jealous of my special ability to summon cute animals to my aid. Oh, and I'm way more popular then him.” He whispered to Phoenix who was completely bemused at what he was hearing. “He told me that if I didn't confess to the crime then he would destroy my ultimate rare copy of Mega Man 2, still in its original case. Whilst that game is still in his possession I can't change my plead.”
“Ah I see.” Lied Phoenix, the entire story had gone completely over his head. He would have to ask Maya if she was aware who mega man was. “Don't worry Chad I promise I'll get mega man back before the trial starts.” Chad's face lit up.
“Thank you so much. This is more then I could have hoped for. I wish I knew who hired you so I could thank them too.” Chad's entire persona seemed to have altered from the shy, terrified man before they had spoken.
“It's my job to help innocent people Chad so the pleasure is all mine.” Phoenix blurted out and nearly immediately wishing he had said something a lot cooler and less clichéd. Still blushing he awkward got out of his seat and grabbed his suitcase. “Well I'll get in contact when I've made any progress.”
“I look forward to hearing from you.” Chad nodded politely as Phoenix fumbled at the door handle. Once out of the room Phoenix took in a deep breath to slow his heart, not understanding why he was so shaken. It was quite normal for him to be nervous about a case but not like this. Once he had gathered himself and gained a lot of strange looks from people passing by the police station he headed back to his office.
Don't they look adorable in their fancy sweaters!
He was surprised to find Maya already waiting in the office for him when he arrived. She was sitting crossed legged behind the desk doodling with a bored expression across her face.
“Maya. Just the person I wanted to see.” She looked up at Phoenix, obviously excited about the prospect of doing some snooping. “Do you have any idea what a mega man is?”
“Mega Man?” She gave him and all knowing look. “You don't know what Mega man is, you have to be kidding me.” She gathered from Phoenix's hurt expression that he was not in anyway joking. “Well it's a video game series.”
“Ah that makes slightly more sense and at the same time even less sense.” Phoenix explained the conversation he had had with Chad to Maya, who nodded sympathetically.
“What a sad story, anyone would do the same if the video game they loved were in danger. We have to help him Nick!” She pounded her fist in to her open hand. “Where does this Jim person live? We can break in and get the game back.”
“Well helping him was the idea.” Phoenix sighed at Maya's enthusiasm “However I don't like the idea of breaking in to someone's house. I've also got no idea where to start looking for this guy. I guess I could ask Gumshoe if he has any idea who he is.”
“Why didn't you ask Chad?” Maya watched with amusement as Phoenix realised what a moron he had been not asking for more information. “Well too late now, I guess we can only hope that Gumshoe know something.”
After a brief conversation with Gumshoe, it Phoenix discovered that Edgeworth had gotten the supposed real killer as a witness knowing that he would probably end up persuading the client to plead not guilty. So, much badgering with the prosecutor later, Phoenix had gotten one Mr. Jim Sterling's address and was standing outside of the house, with Maya confidently upright beside him.
“Right Nick, remember the plan.” She looked up expectantly at him. “You go in and distract him and I'll go around the back and snoop around for the Mega Man 2.”
“I'm not so sure about this Maya.” He shifted back and forth on his feet, “If we get caught then we are in huge trouble.” Maya rolled her eyes at this statement and let out an annoyed whine.
“You promised Chad you would get his game back and if you don't then he'll go to prison. We don't have the time to go down the proper channels.” Maya began to push Phoenix towards the door.
“Okay, your right.” He puffed himself up and strolled up to the door. Maya ran around the back as fast as possible, she just hoped that Nick could keep him talking long enough, or that he hid the game in the most obvious place. She clumsily hoisted herself over the fence in to the back garden and looked through the windows in to what she gathered was the living room. She couldn't believe her luck as she managed to slide the door open with ease.
It was like any other living room she had been in apart from the giant flat screen TV and the huge collection of game consoles and games. She could hear mummers of the Nick and the other guy's conversation, causing her to remember her original task. “Please be here,” she whispered to herself as she hunted around the room. Until finally, when moving on to the next room, she noticed an NES box poking out from under the sofa. She quickly snatched it up and bolted out of the door. Much to her dismay, it was a lot hard to climb over the fence with one hand, but she didn't want to risk breaking the pristine cardboard case. Finally she made it over and around the front to Nick with the game securely in her bag.
“I’ve told you my Uncle Reg, doesn’t live here. If he’s been up to something again then go check his own place?” The monocle-clad man was starting get annoyed at Phoenix's rather obscure questions.
“Yeah, you're probably right. Well I better get back to my office so I can, you know, write up a report.” Phoenix had never been so happy to see Maya. “We shall see you tomorrow.” He did an awkward wave and backed off slowly. Jim gave him an equally strange look and closed the door. “ Please tell me that I haven't just made myself seem like a complete idiot for nothing.”
“I'm sorry Nick.” Maya watched Phoenix's face drop. “I looked everywhere, but I found it under the sofa.”
“You what.” He growled as he realised that she was teasing him. “You're horrible. I really thought that you hadn't found it. Anyway I can't wait to tell Chad, he's going to be over the moon.” Maya could have sworn that he was almost skipping but decided to hold off teasing him some more.
If you've played the series you'll know where this bit slots in
As promised, Chad retracted his guilty plea, and now faced the horrifying torment of a grilling from Edgeworth.
“Is it true of not that you are often quoting how you enjoy punching elderly women in the face?” He pointed accusingly at Chad, who was beginning to crack under the pressure.
“Well, that's taken out of context, of course its going to sound bad out of context.” he stammered. “I would never actually do it, I'm not strong enough to kill someone with a single punch. I don't know anyone that strong, well apart from Brad... but he didn't do it either.” He stuttered.
“Let me clear this up, you admitted to the crime and now you've retracted you statement.” Edgeworth pulled out a piece of evidence believed to be the murder weapon. “Tell me straight. Does this or does it not belong to you.” He held it up in front of Chad.
“OMG, I would recognize that anywhere.” Chad gasped in shock. “That’s mine. It’s my Power Glove!”
“Power Glove?” Edgeworth, along with most people in the courtroom gave Chad an extremely sceptical look. “So that makes everything clear then. You Mr. Concelmo used the enhanced power of this Power Glove to murder this old lady with a single punch to the face.”
“OBJECTION!” Maya had shockingly shouted from the stand, much to the judge’s disdain. “Everyone knows that the Power Glove doesn’t actually work. This case is obviously set up. It would take an incredibly hefty man to take out the old lady in one punch.”
The people turned once more to Chad. “Its a controller accessory for the NES. Jim must have taken it from me when he raided my house. By which he also threatened to destroy the copy of Mega Man 2 he stole if I didn't tell everyone that I killed her.” There was general disruption in the courtroom as everyone turn to face the accused man.
“Damn it and Damn you with you cute animal powers.” Jim slammed his fist on the panel in front. “You get to be tall and thin and loved, while I have to live the life of a fat guy.” Phoenix, as confused as ever by this spectacular pantomime unfolding in front of his eyes, turns to Maya. “Is this seriously just about being fat? What’s wrong with that?” She retorted, “Don’t be silly Nick, its common knowledge that fat people have no credibility in the gaming world!” The police manoeuvred to grab hold of Jim before he could make a break for the exit. He tried to struggle against them but it was fruitless, they soon had him detained. “I'll get you back for this Chad and you Phoenix Wright.” He yelled at them while the escorts dragged him from the courtroom.
“Well I think this solves this case.” The judge banged his gavel down to get the attention of the entire court. “In the circumstances I believe it is only far to acquit you off all charges Mr Concelmo.” Phoenix couldn't help but leap up with joy as Gumshoe threw down the confetti he had made the previous night. Yet he could help but feel a pang of pain in his heart for now he had no reason to be with or even talk to Chad. Phoenix meet up with the man he saved just outside the courtrooms straight afterwards, hoping he could speak with him without creeping him out at all.
“You were amazing.” Chad pulled him in to a friendly hug. “Without you I would have pleaded guilty and not even gone to trial.” He beamed at Phoenix who was doing his best to return the smile with the doubts in his heart.
“Thank you, but you were the one who did the hard work.” Phoenix stared down at his shoes. “So I guess this is goodbye then.”
“It doesn't have to be you know.” He gave him a sly smile. “Meet me at the docks in about an hour. I've got something to show you.” and before Phoenix had the chance to ask him what he had already dashed off.
He approached the docks at first not seeing anyone, then at the end of the quay a lone figure stood, the wind blowing through his blond locks. A smile spread across his face as he saw Phoenix coming across the boards, he waved at him to make him hurry.
“Hey Chad.” Phoenix jogged up to him “What is it that you wanted to show me?” He was nearly grinning ear to ear at this point.
“Just watch.” He laughed before placing his fingers in his mouth and whistled as loudly as he could. After a few moments Phoenix heard some splashing in the water below and some high pitched squeaking. Chad took hold of his hand and pulled him in to the water with him, to his delight he discovered that the noises were caused by dolphins. “Come with me Phoenix, I'll teach you about retro gaming and we'll live happily ever after.”
“Oh Chad.” Phoenix swooned. “Of course I will.” With that they each took hold of a dolphin's fin and rode over the rainbow, where as Chad said, they lived happily ever after and Chad got to finger bang Phoenix as much as his heart desired.
Don't worry Phoenix. It's supposed to hurt the first time, you'll get used to it.