Hello Destructoid, It's been too long. It feels like forever but it's only been just over a month since my last post, a review of Bulletstorm that I put a ton of time into, that was met with little reaction. I suppose that kind of turned me off, but I have also been dealing with something only a few of you know about...
There, I said it. In January actually I admitted to myself that I am bisexual. I've been attracted to other males for years and made many excuses for my feelings. Trying to get myself to believe that it was only a passing feeling, a choice, or that I could somehow change it. When I was struggling to accept it, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, one that I feel like I'm just now coming out of, in which I moved back home with my mom for 2 days. I was basically running away from myself and telling my fiance that I was bi. I finally returned home, and I told her. Her reaction was crying...because she was worried as to what was going to happen, was I going to run off and sleep with guys? Had I cheated on her?
Well eventually we discussed everything and decided it would be best if we break up, as we both agreed we hadn't been in love for some time and had been staying together for the baby. Currently we are still living together, and are supportive of each other in our search for love. We share details with each other about who we are "talking to" and even show each other pictures. Progressive, I know. Sure we still hurt sometimes thinking about the past or hearing an old song that reminds us of a different time, but we are moving on and doing what is best for our child as well as our happiness.
Coming out bi has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life and has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm pretty sure I've been clinically depressed on and off since coming out, having mood swings, not having an appetite and not enjoying my hobbies (I've missed you Dtoid!). Coming out has also made me feel like I can finally be myself, I just feel free as if some kind of magical chains have been removed ala Majin. I bought my first V-neck, naired my arms/legs/chest, and have a less masculine beard now. Before anyone asks, no...I don't lisp or anything like that.
I've also tested the public waters of me being openly bi, via Xbox Live recently. I've been playing a lot of Full House Poker, and will generally chat with people just about their day and life in general. At times I'll bring up what I've been going through, just to see their reactions. Their reactions are what you could expect, a lot of hatred and nonacceptance, but every now and then you find someone who really is a generally nice person, I know I've found about 2 total. Honestly though, it's not discouraging me at all, everyone can be a loud opinionated jackass behind a microphone, but in person they wouldn't dare open their mouths.
Currently the only people that know I'm bi are my coworkers, my friends, and 2 of my cousins. Neither my family nor my ex-fiance's family know. I've been trying to bring myself to tell my mom, but it's just hard. I just don't want to feel like a disappointment, especially being the last person to pass on my last name on my side of the family. My ex's family didn't like me when we initially started dating, and I feel like when they find out what is going on they will go back to that way of thinking, only ten fold.
I have no idea how to tell my mom...I've considered just texting her and saying something along the lines of "Mom, I'm single, I'm bi, and I'm currently trying to find a nice guy to date." or something along that lines, or telling her over the phone. My mom and I have been close all my life, but we really don't talk about any real emotions or anything really personal. Perhaps if we both still played Animal Crossing I could drop a letter in the mail to her explaining everything, after painstakingly typing it with a GameCube controller. Basically I'm scared to tell her, and I'm not sure how to go about it.
As far as the "dude bro / dude brah" (aka what I like to call guys I'm interested in because it makes me comfortable and doesn't rub friends and coworkers the wrong way) front, I've been trying to find someone with like interests via the internet / phone apps. I've met a few guys that I feel really comfortable talking to but i'm not really sure how to go about things, I've been out of the dating scene for 5 years, and gay guys are pretty different from dating girls.
Having come out bi, I've found a lot of people telling me that "bi doesn't exist" or "you're in denial" basically trying to convince me that I'm gay. One of my friends is gay, and has a masters in psychology, and he argues the same thing, but also quotes some smart guy as saying that generally people lean one way, to which I'd agree with. I keep a running percentage in my head of my male vs female attraction / want, and it's been pretty solid at 60/40 (male/female). Are their times I'm more attracted to females? Sure, the entire time I was watching Sucker Punch (a great movie, I don't care what anyone says.) Maybe I'll end up gay, but I feel like I'm bi, not gay.
I may have said that in the past, but it's not all about sexuality, even though the world has sexual in it.
That being said, sorry that this wasn't very video game related (at all) but it will help me get back to living my life happily, writing blogs on Dtoid, pursuing my dream as a "game journo" and back to playing video games. This is my first huge step into my new life, and thanks for taking the time to read this and I look forward to reading your opinions and advice as well as meeting the "newbies" that have arrived since I had a hiatus.