If you live in
America, then you know how important today is. It is the fourth of July, a day when we
Americans celebrate
American things, like baseball, apple pie, and illegal Mexican fireworks. Some of you shut-ins are on the Internet right now rather than outside grilling hot dogs and watching explosions. This is either because you are not
American (and I'm sorry if that's the case), or you just don't know
how to celebrate. Since you're already inside, why not play some video games? Here are five you can play to truly understand what it means to be
American.
If there's one thing I know about freedom, it's that freedom isn't free. But you know what
is free?
America's Army. Yep, if you want to feel
American, you are just one free download away from doing what
America does best: kicking ass and taking names. Do you see anybody who
isn't American (Protip: they are brown)? SHOOT HIM. That'll teach him not to mess with
America.
How
American are
you? Let me just say, no matter how
American you are, you are
not as
American as
American McGee. He is so
American, his first name is
American. As for
Alice, I can't think of a more fitting way to celebrate than to play a game made by an
American developer (whose lead designer's name, I'm not sure I mentioned, is
American), based off of written work by an
English author. It's pretty much a metaphor for the
American Revolutionary War.
I can't think of anything more
American than
Independence Day. It not only relates to Will Smith, who is famous for moving from west Philadelphia to Bel Air (both
American cities), fighting giant spider robots in the wild wild west (of
America), and killing
South American drug lords in Miami (a very *actual
American* thing to do), but it also serves as a historical piece, detailing
America's fight against the tea-sippin' British aliens.
How do true
Americans celebrate
America Day? By doing what
Americans do best: overeating. And the one irreplaceable staple of an Independence Day celebration? Hot dogs. Hot dogs are a mishmash of mystery meats, symbolic of how we don't discriminate in
America (unless you are brown, see
America's Army section). If you are not going to
actually eat hot dogs until your gastrointestinal tract ruptures, you'd better at least do it
virtually. And for that, we have WiiWare's
Major League Eating.
Lastly, if you are not celebrating
America with explosives (originally developed in
China), then you are just not doing it right. Now, there were a few fireworks-themed games to choose from (runners-up include
Boom Boom Rocket and
Fantavision), but I ultimately went with
Big Bang Mini because in addition to fireworks, it includes a strong
American theme: going to other countries and blowing them up. Levels include Hong Kong (
China), Kamakura (
Japan), Luxor (
Egypt), Savannah (
Africa?), New York (clearly a typo), Rio de Janeiro (
Brazil), Paris (
France), and Abyss (
Atlantis),
Big Bang Mini is focused solely on setting off explosives in a hugely patriotic globetrotting gala.
So join me today with these five games in celebration of
America. Or, if I've forgotten any, what games are
you playing to celebrate
America?
(# 0) on 07/04/2009 15:48
I'll probably play some Fallout 3 later and blow up Megaton again, because that's how America gets shit done.
usa usa usa usa
(# 1) on 07/04/2009 15:51
Way to keep it alive, Mr. Sadistic.
(# 2) on 07/04/2009 15:52
USA! USA! USA!
Also, screw the weather. It's harder to blow things up when it's raining.
(# 3) on 07/04/2009 15:55
usa usa usa
(# 4) on 07/04/2009 16:00
(# 5) on 07/04/2009 16:26
(# 6) on 07/04/2009 16:32
(# 7) on 07/04/2009 16:39
FUCK YEAH!
(# 8) on 07/04/2009 17:23
(# 9) on 07/04/2009 17:48
(# 10) on 07/04/2009 17:53
There. Fixed!
Happy America day!
I'm gonna drink some Coke and smoke Lucky Strikes to celebrate.
(# 11) on 07/04/2009 18:05
...and a tad of facetiousness perhaps?
(# 12) on 07/04/2009 18:19
(# 13) on 07/04/2009 18:52
(# 14) on 07/04/2009 20:24
President Thomas J. Whitmore – 1996/07/04
(# 15) on 07/04/2009 21:12
(# 16) on 07/04/2009 21:35
(# 17) on 07/04/2009 21:57
(# 18) on 07/04/2009 22:34
(# 19) on 07/04/2009 23:11
don't tread on me and i won't bite you.
(# 20) on 07/04/2009 23:37
(# 21) on 07/05/2009 01:33
(# 22) on 07/05/2009 02:09
@cadtalfryn: just a tad.
@Eternalplayer: Well played.
@Prodigal Son: Fantavision is awful. I brought it over to the barbecue I went to this afternoon, and we played it a bit. I just don't get it.
@Nihon: never heard of it. Educate me!
@Samit: LOL sports.
(# 23) on 07/05/2009 02:37
*rings gong*
I have spoken.
(# 24) on 07/05/2009 08:27
(# 25) on 07/05/2009 11:14
(# 26) on 07/05/2009 12:54
(# 27) on 07/05/2009 20:56
(# 28) on 07/05/2009 23:16
Also, on a side note: I witnessed someone practically blow torch Union Jack with fountain fireworks (those girly legal fireworks). That made me chuckle slightly.
(# 29) on 07/06/2009 23:15
(# 30) on 07/07/2009 13:36
Heck, just playing video games on a long weekend off from our hard jobs with air conditioning... I am a real American.