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DecadeDesign avatar 9:43 AM on 01.29.2014
The Ups and Downs of being Indie - Dealing with the emotional toll


Made with super-valuable MSPaint skills.


I'll start by boldly declaring that I am currently experiencing an "Up." I'll follow that by not-so-boldly knocking on the wood-top of my desk.

I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in my perception of this process as being ahem emotionally turbulent. My sixth-month project is now entering is 18th month (that's one year and six months for all you baby-haters), and I want to take a minute to post what it's been like in case it helps any of you who might be currently experiencing a "Down".

And the lows get low. It starts with a problem. Something comes up that I can't solve. And I stare at it for hours wondering why this isn't right. It might be something technical (why isn't the enemy following over the obstacles?!) or it might be something intangible (why isn't this fun?).


An impressive moonwalk, sure, but not exactly what we're looking for from a scary enemy.


But whatever it was, it starts to eat and by the following day I've woken up with a feeling of dread. Some days I'm unable to even work up the courage to start up the project which causes me to feel even worse the following day, knowing I got nothing done. And then the thoughts like this come:

- "I'm worthless, why would I even attempt something like this. Of course I can't do it."

- "This game isn't working. There's nothing I can do to fix it because I'm not smart enough to fix a broken toilet flusher."

- "Everyone will be disappointed. Why did I even tell anyone?"

But it's fleeting. Well, kind of. It's less 'fleeting' and more 'goes away slowly and after a little while things seem a lot better'.

And if anyone is like me and has had to deal with this, I'll say, keep on keepin on. Do that work even when it pains you. Write down on paper and see what's wrong. Talk about it to people you trust, especially if they don't want to give you advice. Sometimes you just need a sounding board. Try different ways of tackling the same problem.



In writing, they say "kill your darlings." I'd say that's good advice for game design. If something isn't working, or is slowing the game down, kill it. My game's gone through some pretty masssssive changes since its inception, mostly for this reason. I was attached to things that worked only in theory.

18 months later (I won't reformat that number a second time, you baby-haters) and I really have to say that I have fun even just testing the freaking thing. I don't think it's going to blow the world up or be Braid or Limbo or anything like that, but I can say I'm damn, damn proud of what it's shaping up to be. One way or another, when it gets into people hands, I can say, "This is the game I wanted it to be because I wouldn't accept it when it wasn't."


Finally getting the sense of bringing the world back to life.

 
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