... at sucking.

I knew the movie was going to be bad, I had accepted that and moved on. But, its been a while since I've seen zombie flick and I had an open Friday afternoon, so a friend and I decided to go see some Zombies.

The movie was laughable. The action was lame, most of the characters were 1 dimensional, with a few exceptions, and the dialogue was subpar. But none of that was a surprise. Its a movie based on a zombie video game. I expected a bad movie. I didn't expect it to be this bad.

Lets be clear here, we're not talking Uwe Boll bad. But still.

What surprised me was how ridiculously good looking everyone was. For being set several years into a post-apocalyptic future where civilization, and the very earth itself, have been devastated by the T-virus, the people didn't look very post apocalyptic. The girls' faces were flawless, complete with perfectly plucked eyebrows and even a scene where one puts on mascara.

Fucking mascara. In the fucking apocalypse. Jesus, did these people even try?

Oh wait. Its a video game movie. I just answered my own question. Speaking of which, for having a single can of food per meal, these people look surprisingly robust. Would it hurt to put a little of the excessive makeup into making them look just a little emaciated? Guess not.

Ok, I can forgive that. It is Hollywood. They try to over beautify everything. At least there are hordes of shambling undead to eat the beautiful people, right?

Well, not so much. For being a game based pretty much entirely on zombies, the Resident Evil movie had surprisingly few. If everyone in the world is a zombie, then where the heck are they? There are infected crows - which make for some funny Hitchcock meets T-virus moments - and the requisite infected dogs, but infected people are few and far between. If there is one rule in zombie movies, its that the survivors should always be outnumbered by zombies. ALWAYS.

Goddamnit. I wanted zombies. I was willing to forgive a complete lack of plot, shitty acting, terrible dialog and just about got over the complete lack of believability, but fuck, they didn't deliver on the one key piece of any zombie movie. FUCKING ZOMBIES! There are a few zombies that all look identical, and probably are, and a few shots of a computer generated zombie gathering. But the lack of shambling hordes of undead really killed this movie.

Don't waste your time or money seeing it. Don't encourage them. I want 2 hours of my life back. Two hours I could have spent doing something worth while like looking at internet porn or figuring out the best way to organize my sock drawer. Or maybe watching a zombie movie with a decent stock of fucking zombies.

Ok, I hate to drag this on, but I just saw a news article where some dude at Sony was talking about maybe making another one, since this one topped the box office this week at 24 million, which is probably about $23,990,000 profit, based on how much it looks like they spent on this movie. Please. Don't see this movie. Put a bullet in the brain of this series and hope it doesn't rise again.