Saw this video today. Maybe you've seen it, but it is still very cool Halo live-action sequence. If this is what they're doing for the Halo movie, maybe there is still hope that it won't suck unlike some other game-based movies (looking at you, Resident Evil Extinction)

This is a gchat convo between me and my buddy, after I told him I wasn't using the internets until I played Halo 3 so I wouldn't spoil it for myself.

Names have been changed to protect the integrity of internet anonymity.


Friend: hey

Continuing a transformation that began in the transition between Halo and Halo 2, Cortana will become increasingly sexy in every cutscene of Halo 3. By the game's end, she will be reduced to a hologram of a vagina that moans in ecstasy during your mission briefings.

A final scene begins to play after the credits have rolled. The camera pulls back from the obliterated universe, revealing a gigantic Halo ring that had been surrounding all of existence the whole time. The words "To be continued..." appear in an ominous glowing blue font.

me: you shut up
you shut up right now

Friend: In the final cutscene, Master Chief dives off of an exploding Halo ring onto a passing comet, then steers that comet into the sun. By tucking his head in just right, he passes entirely through the sun and barrels into a second Halo, which is immediately destroyed thanks to the magic sun particles he collected. Suddenly a bomb's countdown clock is shown with only five seconds left. After each tick we see Master Chief doing something spectacular as he hurtles through space: Punching a space dinosaur that's in his way, grinding on a planet's ring to pick up speed, blowing the head off of his comet which turned out to be an alien, and finally destroying a peaceful civilization a billion light years away with his mind just because he can. When the countdown ends, the entire universe explodes in a massive fireball, but Master Chief leaps just out of the blast's radius in slow motion.

As he removes his helmet to scratch his nose, Master Chief's face is finally revealed. It is at this moment that we discover he is actually Samus Aran.



I only wish I could take credit for this.

... at sucking.

I knew the movie was going to be bad, I had accepted that and moved on. But, its been a while since I've seen zombie flick and I had an open Friday afternoon, so a friend and I decided to go see some Zombies.

The movie was laughable. The action was lame, most of the characters were 1 dimensional, with a few exceptions, and the dialogue was subpar. But none of that was a surprise. Its a movie based on a zombie video game. I expected a bad movie. I didn't expect it to be this bad.

Lets be clear here, we're not talking Uwe Boll bad. But still.

What surprised me was how ridiculously good looking everyone was. For being set several years into a post-apocalyptic future where civilization, and the very earth itself, have been devastated by the T-virus, the people didn't look very post apocalyptic. The girls' faces were flawless, complete with perfectly plucked eyebrows and even a scene where one puts on mascara.

Fucking mascara. In the fucking apocalypse. Jesus, did these people even try?

Oh wait. Its a video game movie. I just answered my own question. Speaking of which, for having a single can of food per meal, these people look surprisingly robust. Would it hurt to put a little of the excessive makeup into making them look just a little emaciated? Guess not.

Ok, I can forgive that. It is Hollywood. They try to over beautify everything. At least there are hordes of shambling undead to eat the beautiful people, right?

Well, not so much. For being a game based pretty much entirely on zombies, the Resident Evil movie had surprisingly few. If everyone in the world is a zombie, then where the heck are they? There are infected crows - which make for some funny Hitchcock meets T-virus moments - and the requisite infected dogs, but infected people are few and far between. If there is one rule in zombie movies, its that the survivors should always be outnumbered by zombies. ALWAYS.

Goddamnit. I wanted zombies. I was willing to forgive a complete lack of plot, shitty acting, terrible dialog and just about got over the complete lack of believability, but fuck, they didn't deliver on the one key piece of any zombie movie. FUCKING ZOMBIES! There are a few zombies that all look identical, and probably are, and a few shots of a computer generated zombie gathering. But the lack of shambling hordes of undead really killed this movie.

Don't waste your time or money seeing it. Don't encourage them. I want 2 hours of my life back. Two hours I could have spent doing something worth while like looking at internet porn or figuring out the best way to organize my sock drawer. Or maybe watching a zombie movie with a decent stock of fucking zombies.

Ok, I hate to drag this on, but I just saw a news article where some dude at Sony was talking about maybe making another one, since this one topped the box office this week at 24 million, which is probably about $23,990,000 profit, based on how much it looks like they spent on this movie. Please. Don't see this movie. Put a bullet in the brain of this series and hope it doesn't rise again.

So it is to be expected that with a title as big as Halo 3 there is going to be some marketing. The Microsoft hype machine has been working overtime, pumping out some spectacular "Believe" trailers, as well as shitting out some horribly misguided attempts involving things completely unrelated to Halo. I'll forgive the Mt. Dew "Game Fuel," simply because Mt. Dew and Halo actually DO go together. But why make it orange? Mt. Dew is green. Master Chief is green. WTF.

Case in point: The Halo 3 NASCAR.


(thank you 1UP.com for the image)

Now, I don't know who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to combine the most inane sport known to man and the most popular video game ever (and by most popular, I mean more than 1.5 million pre-sales, whether you like it or not) but who ever came up with the idea to whore out the Master Chief to a bunch of hicks who consider driving in circles a sport should be dragged out into the street and shot.

Seriously. NASCAR? Come on. The image that comes to mind is one of a MS executive pimp counting a wad of cash while the Chief takes it in the ass from a guy in a cut-off flannel shirt with a confederate flag tattooed on his shoulder hollering "Git R Done."

What the fuck does NASCAR have to do with Halo 3? Why? There are so many better ideas out there. Things that, you know, RELATE to Halo 3. If you're really wanting to reach the NASCAR crowd, why not a special line of Halo 3 replica guns? That should bring in some cash. Hell, I'd buy one.

The only way Halo should be combined with NASCAR is if the #40 car is a fucking Warthog, complete with .50 cal turret, firing at will at the other circle jerkers. Now THAT I would watch.