Yes, I played a porn game. The game was "Lula 3d", and despite it's low score on MobyGames, I gave it a shot because it was the latest in the series, and 3d. Also, I thought maybe german game devs made awesome porn games. Spoiler: they don't.

I pirated the game. "Momma used to say, never pay for porn". Unfortunately, the game wouldn't start. After perusing the developer's shitty website (the dev was german, so the english bits were kinda pathetic) and forums, I realized I needed new video-card drivers. Huh. More my fault then their's, after all, isn't updating drivers before an install par for the course?

The game also came with some stupid cd-protection mechanism which won't let you run CD-emulation programs and the game at the same time, but my download came with a crack, so I'm not going to count that against the developers.

The graphics seemed OK, at first. Then I realized there was no anti-aliasing, and the maximum resolution was 1024x768. Usually, I stress gameplay over graphics, but this is a fucking porno. The graphics sucked the asses.

The physics were shit, too. I was expecting at LEAST boob-jiggling physics, but the characters look like barbie-dolls: manufactured, and stiff. Where's the bump-map technology? Where's the cutting-edge skin texture shit?

The sound fucking sucked. Lots of in-game devices (radios, TVs, stereos) play annoying 15-second loops. The voice actors sound bored (they didn't actually use real porn actors, did they?). Nothing sounds cool or believable.

Technicals blew, too. I could save my game on the first level, but not the second. After trying three times to save, I gave up and wrote off the game.

The sex was pretty bad. In the glorious world of lula, nobody has naughty bits. Except for nipples. So, in-game characters hump madly, but nothing touches..down there. Also, the developers are amazingly tame: telling your character to go pee generates a "that's going too far!" quip. Amazing. A porn game, and no actual porn.

Gameplay. It's an adventure game: you have an inventory of objects and use them in repetitive, "click everywhere" puzzles. Your character is a woman, who has creepy neuter sex with various people. Most puzzles consist of running around, trying to find a specific object, or ask characters about topics in the right order.

Conclusion: this game sucked. I wasn't expecting anything actually steamy, but it's not even mildly interesting, and it's AO. Any money you would spend on this game should instead be spent cultivating an army of hobos for the coming revolution.

It's 12:09 on monday morning. fuck, I have to sleep, I have two tests, a take home exam, and a research paper draft due..today..

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH VIDEO GAMES

I spent the weekend with family and perl. Shit, how unproductive. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

..and i'm spent (and a little drunk, if you care)

Fuck you guys and your hardcore deathmatch slayer supercool shit. Single player rocks.

I hated halo 1 and 2 multiplayer. Halo 1, I was constantly frustrated over the unbalanced weapons and map layouts. Halo 2, I played online ONCE and was overrun by cheating bastards (at least, that was mine host's explanation for why people were flying). But I really enjoyed the campaigns in both halos.

Quake 2? Multiplayer was fucked up, everyone knows that. Single player fucking owned. Unreal 2? Hated by all, but I loved that shit. Goddamn, I'm gonna go reinstall it right now.

[ten minutes later]

Okay, so maybe it doesn't run so well nowadays. But that's beside the point. Fuck yeah, multiplayer. Remember Deus Ex? Fuck yeah, skill systems! You kids and your interwobs and lanwerks and net parties. Hell, with a single player game, I don't have to worry about my shitty comcast connection, or lag, or finding enough people for a decent round. I don't have to worry about spawn campers, lag fags, or sniper jews. It's just me and the machine. Fuck multiplayer.

I encourage feedback in the comments below. Unless you're a no good, dirty rotten stinkin communist.