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DarthFredd's blog

5:54 PM on 12.27.2007

It sucks to have a shitty PC

..cause I don't pour money into my system (I'm not actually a hardcore gamer). I'm gonna buy a new system, and I'm poor as shit, so I will carefully deliberate my purchase. It needs to be expandable (don't want to buy new major components), stable, and cheap.

I am *told* that the Core 2 Duo processor is the "best proc on the market". So I figure I'll get one of those, along with a mobo that supports fancy multi-graphic-card-linking-thingees. Since I'm poor, I'll initially be putting only one in, but a second may follow, later.

Any tips on purchasing and comparing parts is appreciated. I'm under the impression that a) building from parts will be the cheapest, b) newegg is pretty much the best place to get parts and c) high quality parts are worth the premium.

ROCK ON!   read

5:31 PM on 12.27.2007

Lazy Man's Guide: Making your own 2d scroller

The scrolling game development TWO was just released. The SDK handles everything: graphics, sounds, and music. All you need is DirectX, .Net, and a little C# experience.

The SDK takes the sharp edges off making a basic game. No fancy graphics, just a 2d scroll, but the SDK does the heavy lifting for you. The included demo projects are also a fun play.

Hop to it, destructoid!   read

4:47 PM on 12.04.2007

Girls are soft

Unless they know martial arts and can kick your pasty, overweight ass. Then they're hard, and terrifying, a la MMA girls.   read

7:50 PM on 12.03.2007

Wii? In MY Ladies Home Journal? It's more likely than you'd think.

Tonight, a noob college student showed up with a clipping from Ladies Home Journal showing an ad for the Wii, which said something about "getting off the couch", and showed Mom and Grandmom playing enthusiastically while the kids watched in silent admiration.

My reaction was WTF LOL FAG READS LADIES HOME JOURNAL. Then I did a double take and wondered if nintendo is tapping the old folks market? Can you imagine how many of those fuckers they would sell if they convinced Baby Boomers (that's mum and dad to most of you) to buy them? I take back anything I ever said about the Wii being an underpowered white piece of shit niche machine. Except the part about it being underpowered. And a white piece of shit.   read

1:44 AM on 12.03.2007

Fuck you, destructoid

Probably should be "fuck you, elephant". I posted a lengthy comment about the law and various legalities on THIS POST. You fuckers ate my comment. I hope the responsible party is raped by a razor-dicked pikachu, so they get electrocuted as they get raped. Bleeding out is a bonus.   read

1:01 AM on 12.03.2007

Fallout; it isn't the best game ever

I started playing Fallout 2 last thursday. It has eaten my entire weekend. Despite the kludgy graphics, the occasional inverse color problem, and the crappy interface..Fallout fuckin' rocks. I can't put my finger on it: I don't really care for RPGs/turned based stuff, though I did like KOTOR. I guess there's just something about getting a 95% chance of a headshot, and blowing out a mini-trex's brain with a fucking .44 magnum.

And they put in the 10mm, too! I personally love the 10mm, it got scaled down to .40S&W, because FBI agents are pussies and can't handle recoil. Also, there is only 1 9mm weapon in the game..

But fallout got me thinkin' how I'd make my own game? I idolize Deus Ex as the almost-perfect FPS/RPG crossover. I thought it'd be nifty to let players switch between game systems, even though that could introduce balance problems..let the players decide how they want to play the game. Then I found out that someone tried, and their game got cancelled :(

I'd probably make the worst game ever. Gamers would fume as their .223 gets blown apart because they used 5.56NATO ammunition. They'd scream in agony as they were taken down again and again, by legions of russian babe snipers. They'd curse my children when enemy scouts would call in air support rather then engage with small arms. Then, at the end, they'd whimper like children, as whatever heroics their character undertook (taking down a nuclear-armed mech, blowing up a doomsday weapons plant, insert cliche) would be reversed by bureaucratic assholes.

Every gamer does this, right? "If I was hired to make a videogame.."
- Shitloads of small arms. Real, fake, rare, common.. depending on what faction you played for, you'd get access to the finest weapons ever made, or just an AK-104.
- Make ammunition scarce. I enjoy making people spend precious minutes hunting for ammo.
- Get it rated AO, to avoid parenting groups.
- On death, enemies would do one of the following: a)spontaneously combust b) spray blood from every orifice, kill bill style c) cheerily dig a grave and bury themselves
- Ducks would be sacred
- Make all voiceovers, text, and instructions, in Lojban, or some other excellent, but not-english, language. Oh, and if the gamers don't speak Lojban, they have to use the crappy in-game translator.
- Build intricate characters with delicate, complex relationshits..
- ..then kill them off in the sequel
- Allow the player to "paint themselves in a corner". He might be down to ten rounds, on the seventh jungle mission STRAIGHT with no ammo refills..and have to make do.
- Make the game notice if the player isn't having fun. If the player loads 5 times from the same save..and is killed by the same enemy..maybe that enemy starts missing on the next load. Maybe a random friendly drops in for moral support. Maybe Patton shows up in a motherfucking tank and GANKS that campin' sniper bitch!
- If the game has any RPG-ish "stats", and they set their character to have very high intelligence..the character's head would be enormous. Occasionally, such characters would pass out from athsma/panic attacks
- High intelligence characters must solve complex, multi-variable calculus problems instead of making a saving throw.
- Certain characters would have difficulty distinguishing between real life and hallucinations.
- The player can surrender
- The player can PRETEND to surrender, then spaz out and pull a fuckin sword out of his pants
- The perspective is third person over the shoulder, so you can watch the badass spaz-outs
- All bossfights are dance-offs
- If the player has a headset, he can get stat bonuses/pump up his character by swearing profusely. THe game will have a literacy engine to determine the creativity of naughty words, including those which the player MAKES UP. THe literacy engine will update itself with a central server, to determine how common swears are, and to prevent every gamer from using the same swears.
- The final boss is god. This fight, too, is a dance-off.
- If the player kills god, the game engine will attempt to divide by zero
- And then the game will crash.

So, I need a dev team! Modeler, skinner, level designer, artist? Bring it on! Some of these ideas aren't very well fleshed out, but I think we can work them over.

DarthFredd is a full-time college student who describes himself as "unrecognized genius". He lives in Delaware, which is totally not cool. His top three games are Deus Ex, Morrowind, and Fallout.   read

10:01 PM on 11.27.2007

I review a porn game (SFW)

Yes, I played a porn game. The game was "Lula 3d", and despite it's low score on MobyGames, I gave it a shot because it was the latest in the series, and 3d. Also, I thought maybe german game devs made awesome porn games. Spoiler: they don't.

I pirated the game. "Momma used to say, never pay for porn". Unfortunately, the game wouldn't start. After perusing the developer's shitty website (the dev was german, so the english bits were kinda pathetic) and forums, I realized I needed new video-card drivers. Huh. More my fault then their's, after all, isn't updating drivers before an install par for the course?

The game also came with some stupid cd-protection mechanism which won't let you run CD-emulation programs and the game at the same time, but my download came with a crack, so I'm not going to count that against the developers.

The graphics seemed OK, at first. Then I realized there was no anti-aliasing, and the maximum resolution was 1024x768. Usually, I stress gameplay over graphics, but this is a fucking porno. The graphics sucked the asses.

The physics were shit, too. I was expecting at LEAST boob-jiggling physics, but the characters look like barbie-dolls: manufactured, and stiff. Where's the bump-map technology? Where's the cutting-edge skin texture shit?

The sound fucking sucked. Lots of in-game devices (radios, TVs, stereos) play annoying 15-second loops. The voice actors sound bored (they didn't actually use real porn actors, did they?). Nothing sounds cool or believable.

Technicals blew, too. I could save my game on the first level, but not the second. After trying three times to save, I gave up and wrote off the game.

The sex was pretty bad. In the glorious world of lula, nobody has naughty bits. Except for nipples. So, in-game characters hump madly, but nothing touches..down there. Also, the developers are amazingly tame: telling your character to go pee generates a "that's going too far!" quip. Amazing. A porn game, and no actual porn.

Gameplay. It's an adventure game: you have an inventory of objects and use them in repetitive, "click everywhere" puzzles. Your character is a woman, who has creepy neuter sex with various people. Most puzzles consist of running around, trying to find a specific object, or ask characters about topics in the right order.

Conclusion: this game sucked. I wasn't expecting anything actually steamy, but it's not even mildly interesting, and it's AO. Any money you would spend on this game should instead be spent cultivating an army of hobos for the coming revolution.   read

11:05 PM on 11.25.2007

Fuck, it's monday

It's 12:09 on monday morning. fuck, I have to sleep, I have two tests, a take home exam, and a research paper draft


I spent the weekend with family and perl. Shit, how unproductive. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

..and i'm spent (and a little drunk, if you care)   read

9:06 AM on 11.20.2007

I like single player games.

Fuck you guys and your hardcore deathmatch slayer supercool shit. Single player rocks.

I hated halo 1 and 2 multiplayer. Halo 1, I was constantly frustrated over the unbalanced weapons and map layouts. Halo 2, I played online ONCE and was overrun by cheating bastards (at least, that was mine host's explanation for why people were flying). But I really enjoyed the campaigns in both halos.

Quake 2? Multiplayer was fucked up, everyone knows that. Single player fucking owned. Unreal 2? Hated by all, but I loved that shit. Goddamn, I'm gonna go reinstall it right now.

[ten minutes later]

Okay, so maybe it doesn't run so well nowadays. But that's beside the point. Fuck yeah, multiplayer. Remember Deus Ex? Fuck yeah, skill systems! You kids and your interwobs and lanwerks and net parties. Hell, with a single player game, I don't have to worry about my shitty comcast connection, or lag, or finding enough people for a decent round. I don't have to worry about spawn campers, lag fags, or sniper jews. It's just me and the machine. Fuck multiplayer.

I encourage feedback in the comments below. Unless you're a no good, dirty rotten stinkin communist.   read

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