*Community Blog by Darren Nakamura // Velocity Micro Giveaway Entry: You probably don't want to click on this (NSFW?)
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Darren Nakamura
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LONG BLOG

Velocity Micro Giveaway Entry: You probably don't want to click on this (NSFW?)

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Really, could I have done anything else for this contest? In case you're wondering why there is a picture of a naked man with a computer covering his junk on your computer screen right now, it's a bit of a running gag with me here. And by that, I mean that looking at these pictures will probably make you want to run and gag.

Wait, did I say these pictures? Well yes, as a matter of fact, I did. In the picture above, you can see the clear homage that I made to my previous photos, which include the Wiimote in my hand, Big Bumpin' on my bed, and the calendar that I won in the background. Unfortunately, what you can't see very well is the website on my laptop, so I took another set. Below is a picture with proof that I indeed found the site, and additionally a CD case covering my 8-Bit Weapon from the camera's view.



So now with that out of the way, I will say that I was debating whether I should even do this or not, because while it may bring back some fond memories and laughs, I certainly don't want to seem like a one-trick pony. And although I'd prefer not to be known as the guy who poses naked on Destructoid, it seems like that's something a person can't really undo. You wouldn't know it, but in real life I am rarely ever seen with anything other than my face and hands showing, with the rest of me covered up by clothes, armor, pudding, et cetera.

Now, onto my sob story as to why I think I deserve the Velocity Micro PC more than anybody else. Currently, I'm typing this on my four-and-a-half year old laptop. It's done me well for school and such, but something it has never done well is gaming. Things have taken an even more dramatic turn for the worse as of lately.

As you can see in the images above, there is a little PCI dongle sticking out of the left side. What's that for? Oh, I had to buy it because my USB ports don't work any more. Perhaps that's not the most accurate way of putting things though. They still work, in the sense that whenever you stick something into them, they immediately cause my computer to freeze. So they've got that down pretty well.

What you probably can't see is the huge crack on the left side. The casing is broken, and the part that holds the DVD-ROM drive in flaps around to its own discretion. Though I doubt that's the cause, my DVD-ROM drive no longer reads CDs or DVDs. Again, to its credit, the drive will still open when I press the button, so it's not completely broken.

The battery on this thing lasts me anywhere from fifteen minutes on a good day to exactly zero seconds on a bad day. Indeed, sometimes the thing will go into hibernate mode after an accidental unplugging. It doesn't help that the power cable is worn such that it doesn't really "stick" into the jack in the back of my computer any more. The slightest movement may jar it out.

But really, none of these problems keep me from gaming, assuming I find a game with low enough tech specs for it to handle... and I don't need to buy a CD for a game... and I sit completely still... But there is one debilitating disease my computer has that keeps me from enjoying games on this thing altogether.

Any time I hit play on a YouTube, or try to play a Flash game, or view a website with Flash ads, or work on my homework for my protein structure class, or draw something in MS Paint, or move an icon from one side of my desktop to the other, or anything that involves moving or changing graphics, my screen freaks out. Now I know that's not the technical term, so I will try to explain further.

Each individual row of pixels on my screen show what they are supposed to. However, each row of pixels also decides that it does not like the position in which it resides. So independently from one another, each row of pixels shifts rapidly back and forth across the screen by about ten to thirty pixels. I am not even lying when I say that as I type this, my screen is doing this exactly thing right now, and were it not for my ability to touch type, I wouldn't be able to write this blog very easily.

Indeed, the text becomes illegible and pictures become fuzzy in a very different way than I had ever seen before, but there is still my favorite part about it all: In order to temporarily "fix" this screen issue I have, I have to physically bend the keyboard part of my laptop. Now, I used to have a VCR that you had to hit to get it to play movies, and my PS1 required to be turned on its side in order to play games flawlessly, and from those experiences I came to the conclusion that when the fix to a highly technical problem is by manually manipulating your hardware, then something is direly, direly wrong. In the other two cases, though, it was a one-time thing, but in the case of my screen getting all jiggy wit' it, it must be done continuously. I am not exaggerating at all when I say that I have probably bent my laptop at least twenty times since I started writing this blog.

So please, Mr. Destructoid and company, not only am I willing to get naked for you, but I also desperately need a new computer. This will probably be my only entry to the contest, unless I can come up with something funnier than a naked half-Japanese man. Which is unlikely.

P.S. To my girlfriend: I'm sorry I posted naked pictures of myself online... again. I promise I won't do it for another six months at least.
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About Darren Nakamuraone of us since 2:29 AM on 11.06.2006

Darren is a scientist during the day. He has been a Destructoid community member since 2006, joining the front page as a contributor in 2011.

While he enjoys shooters, RPGs, platformers, strategy, and rhythm games, he takes particular interest in independent games. He produced the Zero Cool Podcast for about four years, and he plays board games quite a bit when he can find willing companions.

FULL DISCLOSURE: Darren Nakamura knows several people in the video game industry, most of whom are Destructoid alumni. These include:

Anthony Burch, former writer for Gearbox Software
Ashly Burch, notable voice actor
Nick Chester, publicist for Harmonix Music Systems
Chad Concelmo, writer for Golin Harris
Aaron Linde, writer for Gearbox Software
Jayson Napolitano, publicist for Scarlet Moon Productions
Brad Nicholson, former publicist for Uber Entertainment
Alex Ryan, publicist for Kalypso Media
Jim Sterling, notable voice actor

Darren backs a lot of Kickstarter campaigns! If you want to see what he has backed, you can go here. If he ever reviews a game that he backed, that will be explicitly disclosed in the review.

Darren invested in Psychonauts 2 on Fig.
Xbox LIVE:Dexter345
PSN ID:Dexter345
Steam ID:http://steamcommunity.com/profil
Mii code:1257 7687 3747 6405


 

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