I could have entitled this rant “Stop fucking bitching and piss off” or just “Shut The Fuck Up and Just Play Games” I refuse to acronym this into SFBAPO (stuh bap-fuhbo?) STFUAJPG (Stuff you, jpeg?) because, thankfully I’m not on a character limit and therefore can speak freely; speaking of which, if you are intelligent enough to draw a comparison with ‘stuh bap-fuhbo’ and me having a rant, well… its like television, if you don’t like it, don’t look.

Ah, television. If you don’t like it, you have this thing; its called a remote. Please use it next time you see something ‘blasphemous’ instead of wasting your time writing to the broadcasting station about it. It’s just easier to use the remote.
If only life had a remote – rewind, fast forward, skip a chapter… in fact, I wish people had remotes. Mostly so I can record their idiocy and then play it back to them in slow motion; or indeed hit the pause function and go and have a cup of tea to calm my rage. Of course, I am talking about idiots. Idiots with a capital ‘ID’. Indeed, we’d all like them to ‘stuh bap fuhbo’ on occasion, but of course, when you’re giving a service to the general public you can’t tell them to stop bitching and piss off because you want their money.

Although they would disagree with that.

Recently, my colleague ID-ed an individual who looked under the age of 21 and therefore should really show appropriate identification for purchasing an 18 rated title (its like alcohol, do they look 21 for an 18? Do they look 18 for a 15… and so on and so forth) when kindly asked for said identification, they exploded into “This is bullshit, I’m eighty-five!!!!!!oneone!!!” Okay, maybe the said individual was over 21, but without the proof… well. The most hilarious thing about this is that the individual then explained they were a social worker by profession – cue suppressed giggles. Heaven help we want to protect the kids!
After much swearing I was called upon from the mountain on high (the Manager’s office) to explain the law. If an individual is asked for ID, may they be five or sixty-five, then they are legally required to show their identification in order for us to sell them the product. We want to sell them the product, but not at the expense of a jail sentence. Yes. Really.

This is what Joe Public doesn’t understand – we are not being obstructive for the sake of it, because if we were complete fucktards who didn’t want to make any money, then we’d just give Manhunt to five year olds and let them bring down society by bashing our heads in with big steel bats coated in molten stupid. [/sarcasm]

I explained – in patronising, social worker terms after reasonable adult conversation failed for the third time – that the age ratings are there to protect my business and the public. “FROM WHAT?!” They scream to the rafters – “From evil, nasty video game violence!” We cry. But of course, the only people we ask for ID are the ones NOT reading about how video games cause young children to gouge each other’s eyes out with rusty spoons as portrayed by ill-informed middle aged journalists in a futile attempt to miseducate the public because the only people who care about that are Jack Thompson and Jack Thompson. The ones that aren’t being whipped into mass hysteria are actually the ones that need to understand the law; you know, that fing what they enforce and shit, ya know wot I mean, innit? Customers regularly want to rip out our guts because we’re trying to protect them or their children from playing an age rated title which legally, they are not deemed old enough to play. But of course, the customer is always, always right and they know their rights and they are going to tell Trading Standards and the newspapers and Hillary Clinton and the Queen on Eng-ger-land because they know their rights. Did they tell you that they know their rights?

Because if they do, then can someone please explain to me why otherwise mature and sensible adults throw a complete hissy fit when asked for ID? It makes no difference if you’re an astrophysicist flame thrower; I still need to see your ID. I am very sorry you look under 21, but I cannot go back in time and re-arrange your genes so you can purchase Super Extreme Slasher 666 or whatever it is you want this week. Not because I actually think you’re going to hurt someone if you play this game (although to be honest, I’m reviewing that opinion now you’re throwing things around my store…please put that Christmas temp down…) but because legally I am obligated to do so for your own protection. And for my protection, because if I get a conviction, I will no longer be here for you to bawl out every time something in your insignificant miserable little life goes wrong.

What many people forget is that although Christmas may be stressful for them, please, in this season of goodwill (HA!) spare a thought to the Sales Associates, Managers and Supervisors who are being screamed at, sworn at and sometimes even physically assaulted because they dare to adhere to the law.

Don’t even get me started on Nintendo Wii stock…