You know I never thought I’d see the day. I’d like to take this moment to bow my head and mourn the passing of the Darkshine who wasn’t down with THE MAN!

Actually, I won’t. Because this isn’t about nasty capitalisation and consumerism and THE MAN. Who the fuck is he anyway? Bill Gates? Richard Branson? George Bush?

Following on from Colette Bennett’s Nintendo is Not Pleased… post I have to say I agree with Nintendo to a degree – “We think it masks some of the price advantage we have versus our competition and, frankly, the consumer should decide what they want.” Yes! Viva la revolution. As a retail monkey, I have to admit I was skeptical about pre-bundled Wiis, but over time I’ve come to realize people will buy anything with “Super Deluxe Premium Edition Super Shiny Smile Time” written on it – point in fact, people are still buying the Xbox 360 Premium over the Arcade for little Timmy who will never go anywhere near Xbox Live as he is only five. Yes, really.
Since we’ve dropped the pre-bundled consoles and reverted back to swimming in Nintendo Wii(s), we’ve actually had people turn down the console because we don’t have the pre-bundled version. Yes. It goes something like this:

“Hello young person in a game store, I see have the Nintendo W-I-I box in stock, do you have the Nintendo W-I-I box Deluxe Super Happy Smile Time version?”

“Rather than being bewildered at the fact you don’t know what you’re buying, Sir, we have the Nintendo Wii and some great in-store bundles….”

“Oh no, I want the Super Happy Smile Time Bundle! Its extortionately good!”

*Bemused* “But we have the system today, with Wii Sports for £180 of your good notes. And you can get Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic Olympics and Warioware for the same price as the pre-bundled version, and its exactly the same, for £10 cheaper.”

“No Thank You, young person, I wish to purchase the Nintendo W-I-I box Deluxe Super Happy Smile Time version because I haven’t done my research and Little Timmy requires the best.”

Yes, this is really happening up and down the United Kingdom as we’re (metaphorically) speaking. Put ‘Deluxe’ on a package and it ceases to be a bundle, its something desirable, because people think they’re getting something better despite the fact that we actually break down the cost of what they’re buying in-store and tell them what they’re getting and still they fail to realize what they’re buying. Now, when people are this damn stupid, shouldn’t we exploit that?

No. In fact, bundles aren’t about exploiting stupid people at Christmas, that’s what the rip-off merchants on eBay are for, and believe me, I’ve seen enough people near to tears in store because they’ve bought a Japanese Wii with pirate games and the seller isn’t getting back to them because they’re in Barbados sailing on a yacht with Hitler.
In other words, if you want evil exploitation, buy an electrical product from eBay without checking the returns policy and feedback in detail.
Retailers are governed by trading standards, but that doesn’t stop second hand “retailers” hoiking up the price of the console alone to £300, often with Wii Sports removed, you can get that for another £20. Because they can, because its “second hand”.
When there are people so desperate for a Wii for Little Timmy on the 3rd of December because they don’t think to buy it back in October when we have plenty, then there will always be some retailers who suddenly realize they can capitalize on hysteria.
Then you’ve got the supermarkets and non-specialist retailers bundling your beloved console for £250 with Ninjabread Man, Rayman Raving Rabbids (the first one. The one that’s £20) and Anubis II. Yes, its happening, and people think “Oh, we’re getting three £40 games! Yay!” and fork out their hard-earned notes like Amy Winehouse at a cut price drug sale without even considering stepping into a specialist retailer and checking out what they have for £250. Yes, there is a lot of stupidity at Christmas. It arrives in bundles from eBay, no doubt.

So, back to Nintendo. I’m definitely not going to knock them because despite what everyone thinks, the stock situation isn’t deliberate. Also, they are providing an excellent and affordable console that gets the whole family up and playing – my parents want one, for Christ’s sakes, Nintendo have succeeded where I have failed countless times.

That said, the fact is, bundling isn’t evil. I think there is such an extreme reaction because Nintendo have pre-packed the console with Wii Sports and most people think that’s enough. I certainly think £180 is enough for Little Timmy this festive season, but – and it’s a big, Rosanne Barr sized but – we, as specialist retailers need to make our money. And with your local supermarket offering games at a loss with your bananas, we need to take what opportunities we can get. Currently, we make little to no profit on a stand-alone console, and offering you a bundle is our compromise. You get some decent titles (yes, really!) and we get some money in the tills. Not because we’re using it to extract the DNA from homeless orphans, because we’re a business and with that, we need to make money to continue to purchase stock and bring you decent service. If people stopped letting themselves get ripped off, we wouldn’t have to pre-bundle Nintendo Wiis to the same price as a stand-alone 360 Elite.
Do we think it’s ethical? Well, customers do have the choice – to buy to not to buy. At the end of it all, its not a life or death situation if you don’t get a Wii for Christmas. I think that parents are putting too much pressure on themselves to make Christmas perfect, and in all honesty, Little Timmy will have other gifts and can wait for a Nintendo Wii until all the psychotic rush dies down; and do you know what? Give it three months and he won’t even want one anymore. It’s the same every year- there’s always one thing that all the kids want and they’ve forgotten it by the summer. I expect by next year, we’ll be up to our necks in preowned Wiis because the causal gamers have got bored with it.
That aside, bundles should be a given, Wii sports or no Wii Sports. There’s no other console on the market you’d purchase without any games or extras and it shouldn’t be taken for granted that you’re going to spend £180 and £180 alone. What about the second remote (ha!) and nunchuck? That’s another £51 there. Yes, Nintendo are the most reliable, affordable and frankly top quality console maker & publisher there is, and no, the Christmas period shouldn’t detract from their affordable advantage, but all in all, Christmas belongs to Nintendo this year, bundles or no bundles. If putting together £250 worth of merchandise in a box is what it takes to make some money over your local Asda/Wall mart, then that’s what we must do, especially with the preowned market slowed down to a halt by gift purchasers.

All I can say to the buyer is: beware – parents, check what you’re buying and if it means price checking all those bundle games then do it. A decent specialist retailer would never overcharge you for a system plus games. Would you rather have a Wii from eBay/Asda/dodgy second hand outlet for £200 or a system plus three decent games for the sum total RRP of £250? Its all relative; the only person getting ripped off is the person who is stupid enough to fork out £300 and line to pockets of the real rip-off merchants. As long as people are supporting non-specialist retailers this will keep happening. Yes, you might get cheap as chips games throughout the year, but by the time crazy season rolls around, you’ll be paying through the nose because specialist retailers - big businesses and indies - are losing stock to the local supermarket and second-hand stores, who then in turn can hike up the prices like there’s no tomorrow. We’re living in a society where we want cheap, cheap, cheap, but we’re not calculating the cost to our industry. And that is the saddest thing of all.

I could have entitled this rant “Stop fucking bitching and piss off” or just “Shut The Fuck Up and Just Play Games” I refuse to acronym this into SFBAPO (stuh bap-fuhbo?) STFUAJPG (Stuff you, jpeg?) because, thankfully I’m not on a character limit and therefore can speak freely; speaking of which, if you are intelligent enough to draw a comparison with ‘stuh bap-fuhbo’ and me having a rant, well… its like television, if you don’t like it, don’t look.

Ah, television. If you don’t like it, you have this thing; its called a remote. Please use it next time you see something ‘blasphemous’ instead of wasting your time writing to the broadcasting station about it. It’s just easier to use the remote.
If only life had a remote – rewind, fast forward, skip a chapter… in fact, I wish people had remotes. Mostly so I can record their idiocy and then play it back to them in slow motion; or indeed hit the pause function and go and have a cup of tea to calm my rage. Of course, I am talking about idiots. Idiots with a capital ‘ID’. Indeed, we’d all like them to ‘stuh bap fuhbo’ on occasion, but of course, when you’re giving a service to the general public you can’t tell them to stop bitching and piss off because you want their money.

Although they would disagree with that.

Recently, my colleague ID-ed an individual who looked under the age of 21 and therefore should really show appropriate identification for purchasing an 18 rated title (its like alcohol, do they look 21 for an 18? Do they look 18 for a 15… and so on and so forth) when kindly asked for said identification, they exploded into “This is bullshit, I’m eighty-five!!!!!!oneone!!!” Okay, maybe the said individual was over 21, but without the proof… well. The most hilarious thing about this is that the individual then explained they were a social worker by profession – cue suppressed giggles. Heaven help we want to protect the kids!
After much swearing I was called upon from the mountain on high (the Manager’s office) to explain the law. If an individual is asked for ID, may they be five or sixty-five, then they are legally required to show their identification in order for us to sell them the product. We want to sell them the product, but not at the expense of a jail sentence. Yes. Really.

This is what Joe Public doesn’t understand – we are not being obstructive for the sake of it, because if we were complete fucktards who didn’t want to make any money, then we’d just give Manhunt to five year olds and let them bring down society by bashing our heads in with big steel bats coated in molten stupid. [/sarcasm]

I explained – in patronising, social worker terms after reasonable adult conversation failed for the third time – that the age ratings are there to protect my business and the public. “FROM WHAT?!” They scream to the rafters – “From evil, nasty video game violence!” We cry. But of course, the only people we ask for ID are the ones NOT reading about how video games cause young children to gouge each other’s eyes out with rusty spoons as portrayed by ill-informed middle aged journalists in a futile attempt to miseducate the public because the only people who care about that are Jack Thompson and Jack Thompson. The ones that aren’t being whipped into mass hysteria are actually the ones that need to understand the law; you know, that fing what they enforce and shit, ya know wot I mean, innit? Customers regularly want to rip out our guts because we’re trying to protect them or their children from playing an age rated title which legally, they are not deemed old enough to play. But of course, the customer is always, always right and they know their rights and they are going to tell Trading Standards and the newspapers and Hillary Clinton and the Queen on Eng-ger-land because they know their rights. Did they tell you that they know their rights?

Because if they do, then can someone please explain to me why otherwise mature and sensible adults throw a complete hissy fit when asked for ID? It makes no difference if you’re an astrophysicist flame thrower; I still need to see your ID. I am very sorry you look under 21, but I cannot go back in time and re-arrange your genes so you can purchase Super Extreme Slasher 666 or whatever it is you want this week. Not because I actually think you’re going to hurt someone if you play this game (although to be honest, I’m reviewing that opinion now you’re throwing things around my store…please put that Christmas temp down…) but because legally I am obligated to do so for your own protection. And for my protection, because if I get a conviction, I will no longer be here for you to bawl out every time something in your insignificant miserable little life goes wrong.

What many people forget is that although Christmas may be stressful for them, please, in this season of goodwill (HA!) spare a thought to the Sales Associates, Managers and Supervisors who are being screamed at, sworn at and sometimes even physically assaulted because they dare to adhere to the law.

Don’t even get me started on Nintendo Wii stock…

I’ll admit it, I’m concerned.
As I gaze over my favourite games list with misty eyes and heartfelt memories, I’m still believing that a game made in 1999 is one of the very best ever made – shock horror - over the beloved Bioshock, Gear of War et al.

Of course, I’m talking about Silent Hill. This game really has everything I’m looking for if it was a personal ad, we’d be married in six months. A plotline that’s deeper than the bowels of Rapture, more scares than the whole locust horde put together and puzzles that don’t require a big ass arrow pointing me in the direction of whatever key I have to pick up this week.

Don’t get me wrong; I enjoyed Bioshock and Gears of War. I really did. As far as today’s games go, Bioshock deserved its BAFTA. But I’m concerned that today’s top titles are just the Pamela Andersons to the 1990’s Angelina Jolies. And I’m not talking about looks – oh dear god, have you seen Silent Hill recently? Harry Mason looks like he’s wet himself (in retrospect, he probably has) that’s SHADING, people, SHADING! But Silent Hill had a heart. If you’re motivated by absolutely nothing; i.e. just doing what you’re told - (yes, I know this is part of the plot, stick with me here) then play Bioshock to your happy little heart’s content. In fact, sell your heart on the black market, because you won’t be needing it.

“Oh but it’s so PRETTY! - You cry - Look at the water! *peers into the world of Silent Hill* I see… pixels. I fear them.” But that’s the problem. We’ve finally reached graphical utopia – hell, I was excited when I first saw running water in Tomb Raider The Last Revelation way back when, but now we’ve reached a point where we can really go “Yawn. Water. Moving on.” Bioshock is undoubtedly gorgeous, and Gears of War has its moments. Developers have finally got past the “Holy shiny face, Batman!” moments of the Xbox 360 launch titles (TR Legend’s Lara still frightens me with her botox head) but is anyone else feeling a little soulless these days?

Yes, today’s games are visually wonderful but it’s all just stuck on to cover up the fact that really, there’s nothing much beneath the surface.
Compared to a time when games relied on a plot or excellent game play over photorealism, we’ve got Vogue quality spreads in our magazines and has anyone seen the opening credits to Motorstorm in high def? These are the opening credits! Yay graphics… oh hand on, this controls like manipulating a soft shit through a series of pipes whilst wearing boxing gloves. Slllloooww. I’d rather play Fahrenheit. On the original Xbox. Yes, okay, perhaps comparing a racing game to a story-driven murder mystery is somewhat unfair, but god, Motorstorm is boring. But it looks good, so that’s okay. /Sarcasm.

What was the best selling game before Halo 3? Oh yes, GTA: San Andreas. Perhaps its not everyone’s cup of tea, and yes, it looks like something I could knock up in Photoshop by cutting up various PS2 titles and sticking them together like Frankenstation’s Monster, but it proved that a game doesn’t have to look stunning to make it. People were buying it for the excellent storyline and the – oh hang on, they just wanted to cave people’s heads in with metal baseball bats whilst listening to Snoop Dogg. Scrap that one then.
By the way, anyone under whelmed by Halo 3? There. I said it.

Back to my point; let’s use Tomb Raider and compare it with Tomb Raider Anniversary as I think this is a fair comparison regardless of the fact they were made by two different companies *whistles*

Anniversary was supposed to be Lara's triumphant return, her retrospective and a look to the future after the somewhat lukewarm reception of Tomb Raider Legend by hardcore fans.
It would be cruel to say Anniversary has failed, and yet it hasn't set the world on fire - despite being engaging, good looking and enjoyable, several niggles deserve a mention simply in the hope that TR 8 receives a good ironing to remove the kinks that have blighted Crystal Dynamics interpretation of Core Design's award winning franchise.

First - the boss battles are bloody annoying, relying on moves that look good but are an almighty pain to pull off and formulaic at best; a classic dinosaur moment tarnished by fancy-schmancy and utterly pointless auto targeting that calls for thrown controllers and tantrums of frustration.
Lara herself has been torn down and rebuilt by her original creator - Toby Gard, who walked just before she made headlines when TR was released back in '96. Gard unfortunately had other ideas of her personality and therefore has become somewhat bloodthirsty and colder rather than using her sharp wit and feminine wiles to overcome her adversaries. I hate to say it, but Lara just isn't as loveable anymore. A moment's silence for Core's Lara - sparky and slightly dirtier (a move that angered Gard in the first place) but undoubtedly more vivacious than Crystal Dynamics' wet weekend emerging from the back of beyond covered in Ducati labels (a nod to Legend, I thank you.)
The storyline is patchy at best, if you haven't played the original then it is rather hard to completely understand what the hell is going on. Style over substance, again.

Oh, Lara. You look good. But does anyone care anymore? The franchise itself went irrecoverably downhill for Core Design after Tomb Raider III because they failed to engage the player with variety and really, failed to make Lara Croft’s adventures interesting and less samey-samey (okay, they tried with Angel of Darkness but in my opinion its all Eidos’ fault for rushing it out in the first place) this loss of faith on the fans part goes hand in hand with graphical improvement – but really, I much prefer Toblerone breasted Lara to Ms Roundy Butt with no freaking personality. Games have been dumbed down to fuck. To mayke it easier 4 teh noobs!!oneone…

Harking back to the Silent Hill series – what happened? Okay, Silent Hill 2 spawned one of the best baddies of all time, Pyramid Head, but what the fuck was going on with the actual game? Yawnsome at the best of times. SH2 looked amazing, down to the last smidgen of rust in the filthy toilet bowl, but I failed to care for the main character because they failed to develop him into a person rather than a handsome (if you like the Bryan Adams type) collection of polygons and if I don’t care, I don’t have any motivation to finish the game. Luckily for Team Silent, I wanted to see Pyramid Head again so finished the damn game. But that was only because of Pyramid Head, I swear.

The last game I truly loved and played through more than once was Fable: The Lost Chapters. Do you know why? Actually, if you’ve been paying attention, you do. Fable mixed humour with an emotive storyline, enough choice to give a sense of ownership without straying into GTA’s territory, looked good enough not to recoil and shout “THE EDGES! THE EDGES! IT LOOKS LIKE A PLAYSTATION GAME!!” but it didn’t need to dazzle us with high-def whaddyamacallits because it was a fucking excellent game. Which is why I worry for Fable 2 and its trees with each individual leaf moving in the breeze. Who gives a shit? I want to sever some heads and find my long lost cousin or something to that effect. If they’ve lost the charm - “He don’t look like no chicken chaser to me” – genius - then they’ve failed. What has happened to our well-thumbed cases and must-haves? They’re sitting in the preowned section, forlorn and forgotten because we traded in our souls for Resistance: Fall of Man.

In the present, I must admit I completed Bioshock because it kept the mystery long enough (a whole ten hours or so) for me to get to the end and go “Oh. Was that it?” If the games industry follows the music industry and does a Radiohead and says “We don’t want to make any money anymore – what do you want to pay for these titles?” (stop laughing) Well, they’d be a bit fucked, to be honest. If ‘they’ continue to churn out endless FPS titles, we’re going to condemn them to the bargain bin quicker than you can say Marc Ecko’s Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure which, to be fair, is pretty slowly, but you get my point.

I honestly don’t know whether games are getting shitter because we’re getting older and therefore more unimpressed – I fear I’m turning into my Father who would much rather play Pong than Extreme Head Cutting Unleashed or something else from the 90’s – whereas I’d much rather play Silent Hill or Fable than play through Gears of War for the second time. Yes, it was good, but why repeat the experience? And I can honestly say I’ve not been turned on by online multiplayer – that’s a whole new excuse. “Halo 3 single player was a bit poo but YOU HAVE TO TRY THE ONLINE MULTIPLAYER!!!!oneone!!one…” ad infinitum. No. No. No. Nononono. Because I didn’t just spend forty freaking quid to play silly bastards with a load of ten year olds shouting “NOOB! UR SO PWND!” at me. Not because I am a noob, you understand (like I fucking care) it’s because games shouldn’t just be geared towards the online market.

And of course, there are some glaring omissions from the “getting shitter” clause – Assassin’s Creed, Kane & Lynch, Army of Two (although I strongly suspect they’re the same bloody game) and even the upcoming Lego Indiana Jones all look promising because they’re off the fucking beaten FPS track. Everyone loves an FPS but that doesn’t mean we all want bang-bang you’re dead games all the time. What concerns me the most is our loss of variety. Don’t even get me started on Nintendo’s Games for Everyone campaign – that’s a whole new bone of contention to be discussed another day. We’ve traded in all that we held dear for a quick waggle with the Wii or Heavenly Sword which is just a short re-hash of a real standout title – God of War. Where did our ideas go? Where did the motivation go? Where did the hardcore gamers go?

Oh that’s right, they’re all bitching about Manhunt 2. Save it, Manhunt 2 isn’t a battle we should be fighting. Fuck Manhunt 2, Fuck the planet, save our games.