<p>Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be able to blog on destructoid. For you see ladies and gentlemen, I have accidentally committed one of the most heinous offenses possible.... ...I accidentally self fapped... As a facially disfigured man once said "You either leave Dtoid as a nobody, or you live long enough to see yourself become "that guy"" or something like that, I dunno, I was too busy trying to stare at Maggie Gylennhall. God damn is she fine. Farewell</p>
As literally none of you know, I one day hope to enter the wonderful foray of games JOURNALISM!
But it dawned on me the other day as I was strolling to meet a friend, "Daniel, how many reviews/articles have you written? You do realize that you need to do actual work to get a job in the industry, and Jim Sterling isn't going to ride down on a unicorn and hand you a special t-shirt that has "OFFICAL GAMZ JOURNALISMZ" written on it, don't you?" After weeping in the street, I met my friend and tried to mull it over some more. Desperately seeking inspiration, it dawned on me, "I need to write a crap-ton, I have a crap-ton of games, why not do a review of each and everyone of them?"
So that's what i'll be doing on either a weekly or bi weekly basis.
As it stands I probably have upwards of 100 games (probably just short of 150.) Though to be fair, a few of them will be getting one sentence and no more, like this!
Blast Chamber - PS1
Blast Chamber was a crap PS1 launch title, it was fun for about a minute as you made the walls rotate, but even an 8 year old me knew that it was garbage.
So there we go, wish me luck, and hopefully I'll improve over the course of this....thing...shindig...hootenanny.
Are you underappreciated, undervalued or just a waste of space? Do you take pride in your ability to scream angrily at inanimate objects, your parents (and/or grandparents where applicable) and others? Filled with angst? "Like" video games?
If you answered yes to the above questions, then you too could be a gaming god. By following these simple steps you too could join the "upper echelon" of gamers.
1: Find a game and latch onto it.
The first and most vital step is finding a game to use as a launching pad. Not any game will do however; but these simple criteria will help you find the right one.
A: It must score a 90+ on metacritic: How are you going to defend it on online forums otherwise?
B: It must be rated M/18+: Because everything else is for children, and you're not a child you're 12 and a half dammit.
C: It must have online multiplayer; because you've got noobs/scrubs to shoot at, and leader boards are for fags.
Bonus points if it's a first person shooter starring buff manly men, and/or it's a sequel.
2: Do your research.
Once you have found a suitable game, it's time to lay the ground work. You must absolutely master all of the theory behind the game before you can play it.
For example, you're owning some n00bs in Halo one night (ONLY IN MLG PLAYLISTS; everything else is for scrubs) and someone asks "What exactly does LRV stand for?" Failure to answer this quickly enough will have you branded a loser and a fag. Extraneous trivia not vital to the main plot of your chosen game, IS vital to you and your path to god-Dom. The wiki for your chosen game should be bookmarked and favourited. Daily study is essential, failure to do so will mean that you WILL EPIC FAIL LIKE A SCRUB.
3: Pick a platform.
The most vital part of the process, picking a console is essential to show people how hardcore you are. Obviously the Wii is out of the question; it's for kids, housewives and fags amirite? Also Pc's are out of the question. Only total fucking nerds play games on a pc, and even though you are dedicating thousands of hours to a video game YOU ARE NOT A NERD.
With that said, your choices are as follows.
A: Xbox 360
The preferred choice for gaming gods, the 360 has both Halo and Call of Duty (the only games that matter anyway.) 360 is also the console used for MLG, so getting used to it will obviously give you a head start on those PS3 fags. Sure you'll have hardware issues and have to pay for the online, but it's worth it for the real pros.
Rrod, halo is shit, and Gears of War is gay. Since the 360 is clearly the choice for immature douchebag posers, PS3 is for the truly hardcore. Sure you'll have to put up with a shitty interface and mandatory installs, but that just makes it all the more hardcore.
So there we have it, by following these simple steps, you too could join the upper echelon of gaming gods.