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Dan Hoyt's blog

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Dan Hoyt avatar 6:57 PM on 04.07.2010  (server time)
What's up with bald protagonists?

I'm telling you, my friends and countrymen, we're in the midst of a global conspiracy.

Though it has become a running joke in the gaming press, the video-game shaved-headedness epidemic is NOT A JOKE.

Laugh all you'd like, but we'll see who's laughing in the end. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT METAL GEAR? Specifically, how in Kojima's chilling vision of the future, children are raised to be soldiers from a young age. How do they train them? BY WAY OF VIRTUAL REALITY TRAINING, A.K.A. VIDEO GAMES. Also, formatting.

What, you say? Impossible? You, dear children, are WRONG!

The puzzles pieces are there, and by god they fit perfectly! Every gamer you know is being brainwashed slowly--it's only a matter of time before they all have shaved heads--the standard military 'do! And with 3D gaming on the horizon--it's only a short matter of time before the recruiters show up at our door and drag us away--willingly. They will save time and money by firing their barbers.

Gentlemen, I'm scared. As we speak, my right hand is instinctively grabbing at the electric shaver on my desk. How did that shaver get there?! I didn't put it there...unless...unless-- NO! The subliminal solider imagery has invaded my brain! I've been a victim of brainwashing--THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT! I must have grabbed the shaver in my sleep and placed it ever so conveniently on my desk...I'm losing hope, friends.

There's a reason that that game about that guy with the metal grappling hook for an arm...what was that called--GOD DAMN YOU, GLOBAL CONSPIRACY, FOR MESSING WITH MY BRAIN! There's a reason that the game I've just mentioned got bad reviews--the hero (and by god, he was a hero!) wore dreadlocks. He was obviously a Rastafarian, a peace-loving hippie, and the global conspiracy leaves no room for peace-loving hippie.

The Nintendo Wii is a "gateway drug" introduced by the conspiracy to net more and more consumers into its trap. Bank on it: Mario will have shaved his head by the year 2011.

I can no longer control it. I need to go shave my head. Good-bye.

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