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I'm telling you, my friends and countrymen, we're in the midst of a global conspiracy.

Though it has become a running joke in the gaming press, the video-game shaved-headedness epidemic is NOT A JOKE.

Laugh all you'd like, but we'll see who's laughing in the end. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT METAL GEAR? Specifically, how in Kojima's chilling vision of the future, children are raised to be soldiers from a young age. How do they train them? BY WAY OF VIRTUAL REALITY TRAINING, A.K.A. VIDEO GAMES. Also, formatting.

What, you say? Impossible? You, dear children, are WRONG!

The puzzles pieces are there, and by god they fit perfectly! Every gamer you know is being brainwashed slowly--it's only a matter of time before they all have shaved heads--the standard military 'do! And with 3D gaming on the horizon--it's only a short matter of time before the recruiters show up at our door and drag us away--willingly. They will save time and money by firing their barbers.

Gentlemen, I'm scared. As we speak, my right hand is instinctively grabbing at the electric shaver on my desk. How did that shaver get there?! I didn't put it there...unless...unless-- NO! The subliminal solider imagery has invaded my brain! I've been a victim of brainwashing--THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT! I must have grabbed the shaver in my sleep and placed it ever so conveniently on my desk...I'm losing hope, friends.

There's a reason that that game about that guy with the metal grappling hook for an arm...what was that called--GOD DAMN YOU, GLOBAL CONSPIRACY, FOR MESSING WITH MY BRAIN! There's a reason that the game I've just mentioned got bad reviews--the hero (and by god, he was a hero!) wore dreadlocks. He was obviously a Rastafarian, a peace-loving hippie, and the global conspiracy leaves no room for peace-loving hippie.

The Nintendo Wii is a "gateway drug" introduced by the conspiracy to net more and more consumers into its trap. Bank on it: Mario will have shaved his head by the year 2011.

I can no longer control it. I need to go shave my head. Good-bye.









I swear: every day I see a new post about some game being delayed into the Spring. Is this the beginning of a shift towards a more summer-oriented gaming market? I'm not entirely sure at what point Hollywood began focusing on the summer for its would-be hits, but I have heard today's gaming industry compared to the fledgling movie industry circa 30's & 40's. So what does this mean for the gaming industry, exactly? It's hard to say, exactly. Pachter will say something like, "the alien species which actually created and controls the gaming industry is evolving into a species which favors a warmer climate..." and so on. But Pachter's fucking insane, so forget about that. My thoughts follow.

A disclaimer: I'm writing this post with absolutely no research done ahead of time. It's a product pure speculation and maybe a smidgen of subconscious knowledge (stemming out of things I have read before, no doubt--not some Jungian collective unconscious). I digress.

As anyone who has touched a controller knows (and if you don't, now you do) there has historically been a partisanship towards releasing games in the fall/early winter (pre-Christmas). So why have publishers leaned towards that release window? Well, in a purely secular sense Christmas is about buying shit for loved ones (I know, I know--it is and will continue to be a religious holiday for as far ahead as I can see). For many children, the tree holiday is the time of year at which they receive most of their toys. Though this is surely somewhat flawed logic, I can imagine that this has classically been a big reason as to why games were released when they were. Can you see where I'm going with this?

I'm not entirely sure about why exactly so many publishers are suddenly deciding to lump their releases in spring rather than winter. Regardless of that, it is a strong indicator of the possibility that they are beginning to realize that there's no need for this silly fucking holiday dash to get their games out on the market before Christmas. Which, of course, means that they are starting to realize that the medium which they produce--video games--are maybe, just maybe, a legitimate medium which can be enjoyed by adults and children alike. This is a huge step towards legitimatizing the medium in the mainstream, because if the makers themselves see their product as toys, then that is what they will continue to be. This is something all Destructoid readers can rejoice about. We still have a long ways to go, but this is, if my reasoning is correct, a big victory.

A concern, though: one would hope that spring doesn't become the go-to season for publishers, taking the spot of winter. We need even releases! Gamers play games year-round, even more so as our society becomes more and more stagnant and digital. But that is a topic for another time.

[Update: forgive the large header image, I'll fix it later, but then again I probably won't.]
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Dan Hoyt
11:45 PM on 05.19.2009

For my first blog post I will write to you, my non-existent reader, about the fact that I do not "do" or "write" blogs.

Yes, this is a video game website, I know. I have considered writing posts about video games: topics such as why Sega should stop ramming Sonic the Hedgehog up the ass, why the PS3 is still underrated, and why video games should be appreciated as much as movies, at least. The problem is that every time I sit down to write a blog I think to myself, "Why?" Why would I spend a fraction of my day writing something that no one will read?

Since I was little I used to try time and time again to start a journal. People in my life always told me it would be a great way for me to get my feelings out in a healthy way. Maybe that was just an easy way for those people to tell me I had an anger issue, something which I still debate with myself to this day.

Regardless, during the dubious times I have tried to start either a journal or blog, I have gotten a few words in and just quit, frustrated with coming up with just the right thing to write. Hell, as I write this, with every word, I am tempted to just click the back button and go back to refreshing Facebook and Destructoid, clicking that Stumble button in the upper left corner every now and again.

But nah--I already have a good bit written. I don't even think I am going anywhere in specific with this. I just want a stepping stone from which I can launch my career in blogging.

But why blog? Here's my take on it. Everyone has an opinion, but few want to listen to that which others have to say. A blog is a way for someone to express their thoughts on this that or the other while also communicating their opinion to that odd reader that randomly stumbles upon (not StumbleUpon, stumble upon) the blog. I think the network of blogs across the internet is slowly weaving public opinion of planet Earth throughout its inhabitants without allowing itself to be tainted by those at the head of mass media companies.

Hopefully if you're reading this you'll hear from me again in the future... about video games. Because I am most certainly opinionated on those.