The Engineer from the Red Team of the popular Valve shooter Team Fortress 2 contacted me today to ask if he could guest star in my blog and do an entry for Destructoid’s Monthly Musings. Since it had been a while since I’ve done a Monthly Musing’s post and because I’m a huge fan, I agreed. Enjoy. - DaedHead8

Howdy Team Fortress Fans! This is the Engineer on the Red Team and I am here to give you the run down on one of the most despicable groups of human beings ever assembled. I am of course talking about the Blu Team, those cheatin’ bastards…



First up we have the soldier. This no good, rocket-jumping, puddle of slime always gets under my skin. This bastard here likes nothing more than to position himself just out of range of my sentry guns and destroy all my hard work with his rockets. I mean it doesn’t even take a brain to fire rockets! I build teleporters. You think the soldier could build a teleporter? Haha, I don’t even think he could handle a dispenser.



Ahh, the Scout. You know my favorite part about Blu Team’s scout? He loves drinking that there Bonk energy drink and rushing into my sentry room and distracting my guns while some other member of his team (usually that bastard soldier) erases all evidence of my engineering prowess. The funny part is the that little bastard loves his Bonk so much he’ll often drink it and rush me without telling anyone his plan. So all I have to do is stand around watching him dodge bullets until his drink wears off and he is liquidized by my guns! Ahaha, ahahaha, hahahahahahahaha.



The spy. (sighs) There isn’t much I can say about this yellow-bellied mama’s boy. I mean, what kind of man plays dress up on a battlefield? I’m busy building Rocket Launchers and Gatling Guns and this guy is hiding in a corner somewhere applying makeup.



This man is probably my greatest fear in life but he ain't all bad, at least he makes me look skinny. The Heavy is usually followed by his “buddy” the medic and the medic usually has an uber ready to deploy. I’ve honestly always wondered about those two. They’ve got this whole Dominant/Submissive thing going on. It’s creepy. But seriously, it’s annoying having to kill the skinny guy who’s not shooting at you before you kill the fat-head who is.



Medic... Must… Die…



The Demoman seems a lot like the soldier to me. Both of these crazy bastards are willing to self mutilate (with explosions) in order to jump really high. And it’s annoying! Mine jumping leads to that damn Demoman coming out of nowhere at the last second, every time. What’s even worse though is when he sits just around the corner from my sentry gun and bounces grenades onto her. My poor baby never even has a chance to defend herself.



I don’t interact much with the sniper. That might be because I’m usually hiding somewhere being useful to my team while he’s hiding somewhere being annoying.




I have a soft spot for pyros, as Red Team’s pyro tends to stick around my build sites, scaring off spies. One thing I will say though, it doesn’t make sense to be a pyro and wear blue, red just suits that class so much better. I’ve always wondered what she looks like under that gas mask though. I’ve heard she’s pretty hot…



Now don’t let this man’s good looks fool you, he is a scoundrel and a hack. I mean, look how much his designs steal from mine:



Just look at that shoddy workmanship!

So there you have it. All nine of the blue-breasted bastards I just listed are doomed to run into one of my precious sentries at some point or another. And when they do I’ll be there, laughing.