Yes, Internet, I am one of those people that couldn't get laid in Fable II.

Well, at first I just spent alot of time talking to the first pair of tits that I laid my eyes on - doing the same four expressions over and over again to put her in "the mood". I think there was some thumbs-upping that led to her eventually talking nasty to me, and then all that remained was to break into someone's house and use their bed as our happy hunting ground. While the owners (and their children) were still in the room.

After this hilarious encounter (which ended with me jumping out a window to escape the law) I was fulfilled. Sex happened in a video game - and it wasn't a mod or some fetishy Hentai game about stuffing pool cues into unwilling underage princesses. Sweet. Soon after, however, I wondered how promiscuous I could be - what would the consequences be? Already I was playing the game like a medieval GTA - killing cops, civilians, chickens, whatever, and then high-taling it to the next town over where the ladies treated me like a gold penis statue. It rocked.

Something was off, though, because I couldn't just charm everyone into the sack. I re-read the manual. I waited to catch the 'sexy hints' on the loading screens, but nothing was working. I even got three interested women into one crowed Gypsy caravan wagon at one time - but all I got when selecting the bed was "sleep for how long?" and some numbers. My in-game character spent the next two weeks sleeping while those women just stood around the wagon, waiting to be used like some kind of Photoshop tool while I sputtered and rotated furiously. What was I doing wrong? I couldn't even impregnate my wife, who "wants sex" according to her profile. Something had to be done.

So I finally broke down and checked GameFaqs - which doesn't have a Sex FAQ yet. WTF. I had to scour forums with 'sex' in my search parameters before I found anything useful. The whole experience left me feeling kind of like a perv. I mean, who looks up how to have in-game sex on the Internet? I wished there was some sort of sex education class that I could take in Fable II, like when my character was in 8th grade or something. If only little Sparrow hadn't grown up poor and uneducated. Ah well. At least I can split skulls and run faster than GOD.

The answer (after all the forum-searching) was that I had neglected to ever check into the town bookstore. For, like in the town in Desperado - thar be sexy secrets in them books. I haven't done it yet, but you can learn some special expressions from the books they sell in the store. These get your targets ready for some hot-totally-pitch-black-can't-see-anything-sounds-sexy? encounters. Ooooooh yeah.

Get ready, women of Fable II - I'm educated and ready to have THOUSANDS OF BABIES! I'm the one man population explosion!