I am not a doctor.
I am not a mexican.
I am British.
I am gay for Kirby.
I am not disabled.
I am a bad person.
I am trying to get a job in radio.
I am a twice college drop out.
I am not readily available.
I am counting on you.
I am not a fan of jazz.
I am not radical.
I am not fully fleshed out.
I am all up in that shit.
I am clenching too hard.
I am not tested on animals.
I am ready to stop taking medication.
I am not allergic to fire.
I am the one and only.
I am regular.
I am the voice of Mississippi Wallace. P.I.
I, like many other people, own a Nintendo Wii. And despite how hard i try, the only game i can think of that deserves to be bought is Super Mario Galaxy.
It seems that until SSBB there will be few games worth buying.
Or are there?
Somehow the release of Lawnmower Simulator 2007 has slipped past without us noticing. Released on the 19th of October this 18 rated game "allows you to mow the most beautiful lawns in Britain"!
But that's not all, the game info on the Tesco website reveals even more:
In career mode, impress your employer with straight lines and artistic mowing patterns to earn bigger and better lawnmowers and upgrades to your tea shed. Each lawnmower can be fully customised - anything from a new Electric Blue paint job, to engine upgrades and sportier gear ratios on the deluxe ride-on models for increased mowing speed.
That's right, not only can you pimp your mower, you can upgrade your tea shed!*
Even the Serfs who earn but tuppence and hour scrubbing boots can experience the joy of having ones own tea shed and filling it with delightful commemorative plates (if they own a Wii)
"That's all fine and dandy", you may say, "but what if i want to challenge my chums to a spot of head-to-head mowing?"
Don't worry, Lawnmower Simulator 2007 has it all:
In Multiplayer mode, go head-to-head with your rivals in the Stadium Challenge! Both players take half a football pitch and points are awarded for speed and artistic creativity. Points are deducted for messy lines and areas of turf left uncut.
See, you and your rival can battle it out to see who is the ultimate lawn champion. And if that seems a little tame you could always try EXTREME MULTIPLAYER:
In Extreme Multiplayer you will face the extra challenge of defending your artistic creation from sabotage by your opponent and those pesky footballers. Dispatch them by spraying grass cuttings at them before they make divots with slide tackles or, if close enough, mow them down!
YEAH! Those pesky footballers messing up your turf? Well why don't you mow them down!!
Now I now why this game is rated 18, you can probably hang risqué pictures of movie starlets in you tea shed so you can simulate having a wank into a tea cosy as well.
Sadly, the only place i have found it on sale is the Tesco website which has currently run out of stock.
From the 5 minutes i've spent researching this title I've found nothing; no publisher name, no pictures, no more details and no chance of me ever owning this title.
Feel free to check Ebay and your local Tesco supermarkets for this game.
I haven't played it but I assure you that you will enjoy mowing your virtual lawn as much as mowing your real life one.
*All you non-English people probably won't appreciate how important tea sheds are.
To an Englishman the tea shed is a place of sanctuary, where one can escape from the hustle and bustle of ones castle and relax whilst sipping a cup of earl gray (no milk, just a slice of lemon) and nibbling on a fondant fancy.
The American equivalent is probably stuffing your face at IHOP.