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3:47 PM on 01.28.2008

One in three people hate me?

I recently noticed that my reputation on Xbox live had risen from a mediocre 3 stars to a manly, throbbing 4 and a half stars. I was elated, surely this means that people that i don't know enjoy playing with me. They'd prefer to play with me than with a twelve year old who can't operate a microphone, Awesome!

I always try and give people (who enjoy playing with) that have less than 5 stars, good player reviews because it's always nice to think that someone cares.
Subsequently, I give people who are dicks bad player reviews.

I am absolutely positive that I have done nothing to merit a bad player review, but when i checked my Rep. percentages i saw that only 66% of people liked me.
A whole 34% of people who reviewed me wanted to avoid me and i have no idea why!

Being a poor bastard i only ever play TF2 online and, seeing as i don't have any money to renew my Gold membership which runs out in less than a week, i try and cram i as much online play as i can.

This makes it hard to pinpoint which cocksucker wants to avoid me. I must have played with over 300 different people the past week and one of the motherfuckers saw fit to give ME a bad fucking review.

Honestly, i have been nothing but nice to everybody i meet online but one faggoty douche thought it would be a fucking laugh to give me a fucking bad review. They didn't even have the fucking courtesy to make up some fucking reason why they would want to avoid me.

Seriously, If one more of you shit fucking baby rapists decides to give me another fucking bad review i will crawl down the internets and i shall smite thee with mine own two hands!   read

6:19 AM on 01.27.2008

Geek Factor +17! Chance of making new friends -80%!

This is it. I've leveled up.

I've downloaded my first videogame soundtrack and I've jammed it in my iPod.
I didn't download just any soundtrack though, I downloaded the "Kirby's Adventure Official Soundtrack".
It was released by Sony on compact disc format in 1994 and features reworkings of songs from Kirby's Adventure with lyrics... In Japanese!

Front of CD case

Back of CD case

My god this is awesome.
You can not imagine how big of a Kirby fan I am. I would even go as far as saying that I am gay for kirby.

Ahem, now if you'll excuse me, i'm off to masturbate onto a vacuum cleaner whilst listening to some Japanese woman sing the KiraKira March.

I wish it was me holding Kirby on the back of the CD. Except I'd prefer to be naked and being violated in the ass by Kirby and his umbrella. I'm not gay, Honest.   read

12:58 PM on 01.18.2008

Nintendo, Give Me A Third Arm!!

I own an R4 for my DS and, as such, I own over 800 NDS roms.
This has allowed me to sample almost every game that Nintendo has released for their little money printer.

Being able to play so many games in such a short time means that I have been able to spot certain 'trends' in some of these games.
The most annoying, for me, is the control system whereby I control the game character with the D-pad and buttons whilst also having to poke stuff on the touch screen.

In fact, this has pissed me off so much that I decided to write to the Nintendo UK customer services/general enquiries department.

The e-mail I sent is pretty long so, to prevent people from yelling "LONG POST IS LONG!!!!" or "OMGZ WALL OF TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111" you can go read it here.

I want a reply from Nintendo, but I don't expect one.
I'll keep you updated on the progress and, if they do reply, it could really mean big things for me and Nintendo

Any Questions?   read

10:13 AM on 01.11.2008

My God! I Followed Through On A Decision!

I did it. I sold my Wii, bought an Xbox360 (elite) and acquired a TV.

I feel strangely more grown up now. It's not as if I felt less grown-up with my Wii (I had a very good 7 months with it) but, now that I don't control every action with the flick of my wrist and I can play with anybody I want on the internet, I feel like i'm doing things properly.

I'm not going to start hating on the Wii, far from it, I still believe that some of the upcoming titles for the Wii will be some of the best games this year but now I agree that Nintendo (and some of the third party game developers) have fucked up.

In conclusion, I feel better for buying an Xbox and, if I get enough cash, I'll probably buy the Wii again.

Also, I need more friends and more games.

(I actually bought my Xbox last week but, by some horrible chance, my internet was cancelled the day after and I've only just been reconnected now)   read

12:12 PM on 01.01.2008

My God! Its A Decision!

I call upon thee; People Of The Intranet, help me choose my destiny!

Ok, this shouldn't be too hard.
I have a Wii (that i am bored of), a small wad of cash and no television.
I am going to sell my Wii to buy a Television and an Xbox360.

Should i:
(1) Buy a SD CRT television with my wad of cash and buy an Xbox with my Wii money (this will leave me with some money left over for games and stuff)

Or (2) Buy a HD LCD television with my wad of cash and some of my Wii money and buy and Xbox with the remainder (this leaves me with very little money left over)

Or (3) Buy a SD CRT television with my wad of cash and keep my Wii and wait for some good games to come out for it.

Mainly i'm fretting over choices (1) and (2).
I wouldn't consider myself to be a graphics whore but I've never actually played an Xbox360 in either SD or HD so i'm not sure how much of a difference it makes.

What should I do?

Also, before you say anything about me not being able to afford whatever, I've got all my numbers correct.

Also, please don't tell me to buy a PS3 instead. I'm not stupid   read

6:32 PM on 12.31.2007

The year that was 2008

As one of the few survivors left after the terrible happenings of 2008, I feel it is my duty to share my feelings of the past year.

2008 wasn't a very good year for video games or the games community after George Bush blamed the nuking of the entire southern hemisphere on "playing too much mario kart". This resulted in the banning of video games worldwide.

Luckily when, due to a loophole, Mario (the fictional character) was instated as Emperor of Earth video games became mandatory. Unluckily, this resulted in Nintendo cornering the market with their new console; the Pü.

In early August Sony and Microsoft joined forces deep beneath the earth where they developed their own games console to rival Nintendo's full-body fitness machine.

Due to Nintendo's lack of on-line capability's, Monosoft managed to recruit people via the internet to help Beta test their games. It's no doubt that anybody reading this was enlisted to play FPS games in one of Monosoft's many underground bunkers so I shan't go into any details.

Christmas 08 was when Monosoft decided to launch the attack on Nintendo, and it was a huge success. Mario was slain and, thanks to the help of Chad Concelmo and his army of dolphin ninjas people could play what they wanted once again.

All in all, 2008 was better than 2007 and hopefully 2009 will be better with the expected release of 'Lara Croft: Portal Raider', 'Bioshock Bandicoot' and maybe the rebuilding of society.   read

3:20 PM on 11.30.2007

Tea Shed! Ride-On Models!

I, like many other people, own a Nintendo Wii. And despite how hard i try, the only game i can think of that deserves to be bought is Super Mario Galaxy.
It seems that until SSBB there will be few games worth buying.
Or are there?

Somehow the release of Lawnmower Simulator 2007 has slipped past without us noticing. Released on the 19th of October this 18 rated game "allows you to mow the most beautiful lawns in Britain"!
But that's not all, the game info on the Tesco website reveals even more:

In career mode, impress your employer with straight lines and artistic mowing patterns to earn bigger and better lawnmowers and upgrades to your tea shed. Each lawnmower can be fully customised - anything from a new Electric Blue paint job, to engine upgrades and sportier gear ratios on the deluxe ride-on models for increased mowing speed.

That's right, not only can you pimp your mower, you can upgrade your tea shed!*
Even the Serfs who earn but tuppence and hour scrubbing boots can experience the joy of having ones own tea shed and filling it with delightful commemorative plates (if they own a Wii)

"That's all fine and dandy", you may say, "but what if i want to challenge my chums to a spot of head-to-head mowing?"
Don't worry, Lawnmower Simulator 2007 has it all:

In Multiplayer mode, go head-to-head with your rivals in the Stadium Challenge! Both players take half a football pitch and points are awarded for speed and artistic creativity. Points are deducted for messy lines and areas of turf left uncut.

See, you and your rival can battle it out to see who is the ultimate lawn champion. And if that seems a little tame you could always try EXTREME MULTIPLAYER:

In Extreme Multiplayer you will face the extra challenge of defending your artistic creation from sabotage by your opponent and those pesky footballers. Dispatch them by spraying grass cuttings at them before they make divots with slide tackles or, if close enough, mow them down!

YEAH! Those pesky footballers messing up your turf? Well why don't you mow them down!!
Now I now why this game is rated 18, you can probably hang risqué pictures of movie starlets in you tea shed so you can simulate having a wank into a tea cosy as well.

Sadly, the only place i have found it on sale is the Tesco website which has currently run out of stock.
From the 5 minutes i've spent researching this title I've found nothing; no publisher name, no pictures, no more details and no chance of me ever owning this title.

Feel free to check Ebay and your local Tesco supermarkets for this game.
I haven't played it but I assure you that you will enjoy mowing your virtual lawn as much as mowing your real life one.

*All you non-English people probably won't appreciate how important tea sheds are.
To an Englishman the tea shed is a place of sanctuary, where one can escape from the hustle and bustle of ones castle and relax whilst sipping a cup of earl gray (no milk, just a slice of lemon) and nibbling on a fondant fancy.
The American equivalent is probably stuffing your face at IHOP.   read

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