Little Big Planet is a game of contradictions. Or at least its title is an oxymoron. How can a planet be little, and yet big at the same time? I suppose it makes sense if the planet's inhabitants are scaled to match the size of the planet itself, while the player takes on the role of a normal sized person looking through a microscope at these tiny people, manipulating them like the subjects of a cruel lab experiment. In that case, the game's title might take on a deeper, more appropriate meaning through the use of dual perspectives. However, I don't believe that this sort of progressive design is in evidence here, and so the title stands as one of the biggest oxymorons to come out of the industry since the acronym 'PS3' and the words 'worth purchasing' were put together by some dude who didn't know any better. Riiiiiiiiiiidge Racer!

Speaking of game design, it appears that rather than do much of their own, whoever took a pass at developing Little Big Planet quit somewhere along the way. Perhaps they were bored. Whatever the cause for it, they appear to have decided that gamers are better off doing the rest of the work themselves. To that end, Little Big Planet tasks you with designing your own stuff, only you're less likely to get paid for it than they did, and you'll be working ten times as hard.

If you find yourself struggling to do what the developers should have done themselves, you can bring friends in to help you. This has the added benefit of providing you a work-force of your own to push around. It can be incredibly freeing in between bouts of thankless work to stand on the sidelines and play Foreman, and having minds comparatively fresher than yours may even produce levels and scenarios that you wouldn't likely thought of, being brain-dead enough to have bought this so-called 'game' in the first place. However, even a few brain-dead individuals together only equal half a Forrest Gump. And while he portrayed as being successful in spite of his idiocy, please keep in mind that no matter how many of you numb-nuts get together to take a crack at this thing, the best that your efforts will produce is going to be level after level filled with crude phallic symbols. You can't shit a Rembrandt after all.

From what I can tell, the game's graphics are as half-finished as the rest of the game is. Apparently you play as a number of characters that appear to be mutated hacky-sacks with limbs sewn on, but really, they mainly exist as avatars that are tasked with the duty of silently subjugating you to their supreme master's will. They don't speak to you. They'll never praise your work. They simply stand there, ever so quietly, smiling their crooked smiles. And should you should hesitate to do the job set before you for even a minute, they'll relay that to Sony, who will then come to your house and rape everything and everyone you love. So while the graphics might admittedly be as sparse as the rest of the game, what is there serves to set the mood, and that is one of despair and loss.

In closing, and largely because I ran out of things to say, I urge those of you who are considering purchasing this monstrosity in the making to cancel your pre-order, and to burn the clothes that you were in when you did so. Also, kill your next-door neighbor and bury him in your back yard as a sacrifice, to repel whatever evil spirits may remain as a result of your misguided decision to give this game a chance. There is still time, so save yourselves!

This piece does not reflect any actual opinions that I might have on whatever game I've chosen to victimize, nor should it be taken seriously. It's meant to be fun, and funny, though your mileage may vary.