Hey there, it's time for a strategy session, with the release of this awesome game, you know you want to be as cool as the pros, so let's get started. Today, we’ll begin part one in our elevendy-twelve part series.


While playing as him:

Run out into the Open
As the movies have shown, running out into open areas with guns ablazing is obviously the best strategy. Contrary to popular belief, the Heavy Weapons Guy is called Heavy because he actually feeds on the bullets that enter his body, these only make him stronger. So, using his awesome speed, you can run out into a firefight and probably take down five enemy units, and two turrets to boot.

Don’t rely on Medics
Medics only hold you back and delay you from killing the enemy. Instead of waiting for one to spawn, you are wasting valuable killing time! Take a look at this:

Do you want to look like this idiot, I don’t think so. Besides, you sound like a dick if you’re constantly mashing the ‘E’ key.

Using Ubercharge
However, when you really need to use it, with a Ubercharge you are actually invicible for a long time. The rumor is it lasts ten seconds but in actuality, no one has ever survived a Heavy’s ubercharge “rape”page and has lived to tell about it. Therefore, ergo, go nuts!

Don’t wave your gun around
Don’t be a loser noob with no skill. When shooting a fast enemy who can dodge well like you do when your parents pops the question about your homosexuality, you don’t want to randomly shoot around. Instead, shoot to a straight line and they’ll usually run back into it, Like you into your boyfriend’s butt. Some may say spies will take advantage of this and stab you in the back. The problem is that all spies behind you will be taken care of by that one guy who always plays a wimpy sniper that will always be covering your back.


Hefty! Hefty! Hefty!


Wimpy! Wimpy! Wimpy!

Always hold down the Right Button on your mouse to ready your gun
You may say, “Thomas Truong, you buffet of manliness, why the hell would you want to move so slow?” Oh contraire mon ami, you see, the weapon make a loud noise. This lures all noobs who think they can take out the Heavy Weapons Guy to come running at you. That’s when you rape with the Left Button. Why fight the fire when you can bring the firefight to you? And thank you, I am a buffet of manliness!

Don’t trust Teleporters
Why? Because you are Russian and the teleported are obviously American technology. When you play as a heavy, you have to get into character! This means don’t trust capitalist activity! For all you know, those teleported could mutate you into a two headed freak. And what do you think happens if you try teleporting while the machine is being destroyed? Simple, you get lost in subspace.

No one can see your ratio, take advantage of that!
Your allies don’t have a visible kill/death ratio of what you did, the best usage of this is to flaunt constantly that you’re the best player with a higher kill ratio. Soon, you’ll become all of their friends, and they’ll invite you to all of their birthday presents, except they will be so butt envious of you that they’ll give you gifts instead. Ask for vodka and snow, those are your favorite foods as a heavy! You’re still in character right?

When playing against him:

In a Heavy versus Heavy battle, it all boils down to the player with the most pubic hair, so start growing. For other classes? Wait, why the hell would you not play as a heavy? Discussion over.

So I hope you enjoyed that, it will increase your ability level by 10. Eat your heart out Reverend Anthony.

The HWG when he was in High School, so many phases.


P.S. My Steam ID is Cutie_Honey, see you online, if you seriously though I was being serious, then you need your head checked, seriously.

Oh, here’s the random video I promised.