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About
Hello there! My name is Chris. It's nice to meet you.

I am 21 years old and I have been playing games for my entire life. When I was one or two years old my parents would sit with me in front of the TV and help me play Atari. Actually, I might be making that up. I'm not sure, but it's definitely not far from the truth. I remember playing pac-man, and dig dug, and pong. Growing up, I've played through the NES, the Sega Genesis, PS 1,2,3, Gamecube, the XboX and the 360. I've played on more systems than that, but those are the most memorable. Games are something that have grown with me over the years and I'm always amazed by the progress of both.

I ride a motorcycle, I love to play ping pong, I'm not a virgin, I love high fives, I bounce between atheism and being agnostic. I celebrate holidays. I'm usually not a dick. I am also bi-sexual. I am mixed between black, puerto rican and some other stuff. I get laid rarely. That's on purpose. It's also not on purpose. I tend to break a lot of stereotypes, but not consciously. I am very open minded. And, I ponder things very often and I tend to get wrapped up in my own head. However, I love hearing anybody else's opinion unless it is purposely hurtful. Basically, I'm a good dude.

I like you.

Atari-
-choplifter
-dig dug
-pole position(also, cocks)
-pac-man
-pong
NES-
-super mario bros 3
-duckhunt(fuck that dog!)
-startropics
-mc kids
Sega Genisis
-mortal kombat 2(when i was like four years old)
-sonic 2
-combat cars
-power rangers the movie
-cesars palace
-lemmings 2 tribes(shit gave me a god complex)
-toys
-super hang on
-streets of rage
-the ren and stimpy show
-nba jam(jams it in!)
-road rash
PS1
-crash bandicoot(i want to try on that mask)
-ape escape
-tomb raider(ass, titties, ass and titties, ass, ass, titties, titties, ass and titties. and personality, of course)
-metal gear solid
-those jampacks were the shit
Gamecube
-spiderman 1 and 2
Xbox
-splinter cell
-gta: san andreas(the best)
Xbox 360
-saints row 1 and 2
-gears 1 and 2
-gta4 episodes(should've just been a gay biker gang. am I right?)
-skate 2
-mirror's edge
-halo 3
-deadly premonition(thanks Jim)
-smackdown vs raw(sounds like a porno)
-guitar hero 3
-those demos are the shit aren't they?

I have been reading this site for a couple years and I've been leaving comments and posting things sporadically for a little less than a year. I just want to thank everybody for being so interesting, insightful, open minded, respectful and informative. I do my best to be the same. I truly respect what this site is, and all the people, and all of the hard work behind it. I am honored to be a part of it and I really do feel at home here.



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What have I done?

 

Hello Destructoid. I've been away for awhile...4 years.

Too long, indeed...

 

 

For the past seven years I have remained in this hell hole of a city doing my best to provide top notch customer service. I gave up on my dreams early and I've been trying to "be an adult". 

 

But, it hasn't really been working. 

 

I've had about twelve jobs, and I have been fired from each and every one of them. And, while it's cool that I can do anything in the world; I've yet to find an employer that gives a shit. Even though I have a resume and get hired for my, admittedly fudged, past experience- I keep having to start over.

 

I know what your thinking. "Chris, you must be some kind of an asshole." 

 

Now I will tell you,(just as I keep telling myself)..I'm not an asshole. 

 

Am I perfect? No. But, I really do care about my work. I come in on time...I don't complain about taking the trash out, or removing gum from tables, or licking toilets clean. 20 hour work weeks at $7.50 USD an hour. Life is awesome!

 

Contradictory sarcasm aside, I'm really not a problem at work. I'd work with me. Both from a co-worker's perspective and from my, yet, unachievable supervisory perspective. You could do a lot worse.

 

While I am to blame for my failures, It would have been great if just one of my past jobs would appreciate a guy having a bad day. Oh well...

 

What follows is a terrible example from my past circa 2008 and the only time I was reasonably and justly fired. Seriously. This shit hasn't happened since...

 

 

You see, my first job was at a water park as a lifeguard. It was a great job. 

In fact, with it's 13 hour days, 6 days a week I was making the most I have ever made at any of my jobs. I used some of this money to buy a brand new $479.99 Xbox Elite.

 

Alright, so I was 17, and I was trusted with people's lives. Now, that didn't keep me from sleeping vertically whilst "watching the kiddie pool". But, that isn't why I was fired. No, that happened a year later. 

 

See, somebody had "Snicker Bar'd" the lazy river. Whenever this would happen we would call a code brown (lol) and had to shut the river down and ask people to exit the water from any of the, let's say 9 exits.

 

 

It would be two hours before any of the pool boffins let anybody back in...

 

Once the water was clear of people, I was tasked with jumping back in the water to gather life-vests. Cool. So, on about my business I went; standing my ground in the rushing water gathering red vest, yellow ones, blue vest and green-and chucking them up onto the deck.

 

Now once the vest were out of the water, they had to be put on racks. The problem is, now people had formed a long line to the closed lazy river...(sigh).

 

 

This was the stupidest thing I had seen the guest do since it rained any everybody opened an umbrella.(water park)

 

Better yet, this line was directly between my giant collection of vest and their respective racks. So back and forth I went. 

"Excuse me"..."I just need to get by here"

"Pardon me"...(why won't they move? I look like "life-vest Voltron")

"Sorry about that" I said as I gently bump past a young lady.

 

Now, she must not have heard me because the next vest hauling trip- not only will she NOT move but, she squares up with me, crosses her arms and makes the most sickeningly rude face I had ever seen in my life. After two summer's of being a tight-Iipped, thought withholding customer service goon, I imagined cussing her out. But, I held back.

 

I painted a mental picture of what it would be like...

"Fuck you! You little bitch. Can't you see that I have a goddamned job to do. I'm holding 25 vest and they're heavy as shit! What is wrong with you!" 

 

I pictured a crowd gathering as I just spew raw emotion at this girl. I imagined some random dude would white knight the situation and challenge me to a duel in the parking lot. I imagined that security would actually show up for once. I imagined that I would be fired on the spot. I even imagined that I would be billed $100 USD for a pair of red swim shorts about a year later.

 

But, I was better than that. 

 

I decided to apologize once more and try to get by with some humility. Now, I don't remember what she said. But, I remember her NOT moving again.

 

Sooo...I said it. 

 

All of it. 

 

I roared it. 

 

And as the angry mob formed I started yelling at them. I began screaming at all of them.

 

"There are kids here!" One lady exclaimed as she brought her toddlers over to watch the scene unfold. 

 

"Fuck your kids!"(jesus)

 

It was at this point that the largest dude in the crowd threatened to end my life in the parking lot. I gave him a hearty middle finger as I backed down and left the situation, consciously deciding not to run. Now, I wasn't afraid of that dude. I was afraid of fighting a whole mob of Speedo-dudes. 

 

 

At the "debriefing", I learned that the cops had been called. I also learned that the bitch was only 15. 

 

Then, I learned that the 15 year old little bitch was also pregnant.

 

Then, I learned that the 15 year old little pregnant bitch apparently claimed that I hit her in the stomach.(nah, man) 

 

Looking back on it, the police never talked to me- at all. I think my boss was just being a dick.

 

It goes without saying that I got super-fired that day.

...billed $100 USD a year later. 

 

I'd like to say that I've calmed down since then. I'd like to say that I don't hold any resentment towards that 22 year old little bitch with the 7 year old. Fuck, I'd like to say that I don't hate that 7 year old.

 

But, I don't work in customer service anymore...

 

 

 

Also, I think I might be an asshole.

 

 

 

...I sold that Xbox 360 a week ago. What have I done?

 

 

 

 

 

 









Hey gang!

It's everybody's favorite "dude I see on this site ocassionally", CrazEboy7!!!

Why so many exclamation marks you ask? Well after two months of waiting and wondering, I have finally gotten my Destructoid "Chill Bros" Shirt. And, It is super rad!



Since this excitement alone isn't really worthy of a blog. I figure I'll try my best to elaborate on why I love this shirt so much. It is a lovely shade of grey. This particular tone of gray really reminds me of sweatpants, which I'm a big fan of. But, more than that this grey makes me think of athletics, which I'm not particularly good at, but I enjoy the notion.

It also has the bastard lovechild of Mr. Destructoid and Mario Mario on the front of it, just daring somebody to say something snarky. While at the same time it's warmly inviting somebody to ask "what is that?" And, it also begs the question, "what is it from". But, I'll never have to answer that because the shirt proudly states "DESTRUCTOID" right there,under the cartoon, both legible and fun. Yet also, unobtrusive and...sexy.



Blog fluffing aside, I just want to thank Tara Long and ???????? for signing my shirt. I'm kinda bummed that I can't read ????????'s signature, but I appreciate the guesture anyway. And, Ms. Tara Long, you made my day. Without getting too sappy, this is the kind of thing that make this site fucking awesome!

...too sappy.
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Usually when I am really excited for a movie, I'm willing to give the video game a shot. I'll see the movie and I'll still be lost in that world for a few days. I want more. And, that where usually where video game tie-ins come in.



Now, I'm not totally clueless, I know that tie-in games are pretty much always "garbage", but I just can't help myself.

I've been hyped for the new TRON movie for at least a year. So, what chance did I have when TRON: Evolution came out about a week before the movie did? I got my hands on it. That's what I did.

Keep in mind that I had a very low expectation of the game. Based on trailers and gameplay footage, It appeared to be mediocre, at best. And, that it was. Yet, I thouroughly enjoyed it.

While playing the game, though, I was worried that the game may have marred my overall interpretation of the new TRON world that they are trying to convey.

I was way off in assuming that. In fact, not only was the movie better than the game in every possible way. It also seemed like a completely different "world". Similar, sure, but entirely different. It felt more real, i guess.



The movie sparked my imagination better that the game ever did, and I guess that's what made it better.

...or maybe it was the depth perception.
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I play games to get away from judgment. People are always judging. People are always hating. But, I'm not a rapper and such things aren't very useful to me. I play games whenever I feel the need to shake of such criticisms or at least toss them back and forth with a friend instead.

But there are a few games that seem to feel that it's absolutely necessary to mock me at every turn. It's usually extreme sports games that perpetrate the dickitude. It would be a bit more palatable if the insults were fresh and interesting. But, they are always so platitudinous. Lame.

For example, I was playing Stoked, which is a fairly boring snowboarding game. But, I enjoy simply gliding down a mountain and taking in the snowy vistas. I'm fine until I land wrong and roll down the hill a bit. But, why does the game feel the need to kick me while I'm down.



Some disembodied bro always pops up and chimes in with something like, "Woah, nice landing!" or, "Nice boner, Dork!". I'm paraphrasing, of course. And, when I decided to mute the speech volume in the game, I quickly became aware that there are text insults that pop up during failures as well. "That's gotta hurt!". Nice.

I've got a thick skin. In real life friendly banter and mockery actually can make a game better. But, nondescript in-game characters always comes off as bullying and/or irksome, when they attempt it. It's irritating and I see no use for it in video games where I don't at least get to shoot back, words or otherwise.



It's like when I open a box of cereal and lose a contest. I know that I'm "not a winner.". But, there is no need to rub it in my face every morning for a week. Of course, the best part of waking up is the coffee! It's not that hard for a cup of joe to be the favorite, when the cereal is being such a negative d-bag all of the time. Way to ruin my day cereal.

I guess I could just not play those games. But, they are usually otherwise pretty fun. Plus, what if I already bought it?

...Well, there goes my lunch money.
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I don't like Super Meat Boy. There I said it.

Well, that actually might be an exaggeration. See, my opinion of that game is fully dependent on how well I am doing in the game. There are sometimes that I play it very well and love it. But, that is usually a fleeting feeling. Because eventually (and, by eventually, I mean to say "very quickly"), I lose my mojo and start to suck. Then, I get frustrated and stop having fun.

And, when I stop having fun, I gotta rage quit on that piece....yo.('nah mean, son?)

Anyway, it's not that I don't like hard games. I do. I just have to have a justifiable amount of fun while playing them. Or, at least no feeling of emotion at all.(which is actually fine with me, at times). But for me, Super Meat Boy is a great game that doesn't quite fit my ideal hardness to fun ratio.



That in mind, I did something rare the other day. I played side by side with somebody else. I'm usually a lonely wolf, but I had gone to visit one of my friends at his house to play Super Meat Boy before St. Nick lured him into a van with promises of candy and "good times".

My buddy, let's call him Jon, is a PC gamer. I've always been a console guy because it seems easier than upgrading grandmother boards and chocolate chips and boner drives. But, he tends to get by on two year old games and great deals on Steam. So I have always admired Jon for that. I, with my tiny dinosaur brain, bought TRON brand new. It had potential, what can I say?

His latest software addition to his rig was Super Meat Boy. I, being the grateful guest that I am, jumped on the opportunity to play a game with my bro, even though I secretly loath it. But, I had fun. Instead of me getting frustrated and hearing evil voices in my head, Jon and I exchanged witty banter and silently judged each other's skills. He was far superior to my skill set, at least on this particular game. But, Super Meat Boy is even more impressive, for me, when watching somebody with greater skill play it.

So, I guess the various morals would be that, the PC platform is pretty cool even though I am perfectly terrified by it's "evil upgrading" nature. Super Meat Boy along with other games are more fun to play with a friend by my side. And, finally, I need more friends in my wolfpack.

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For this blog, I think I'm gonna start hard negative and then bring back the funk with some smooth positivity.


I hate upgrading stuff in video games! I was this close to writing that in all caps. I almost busted a nerve trying to control myself. My face is red and I feel a bit faint. Now is the perfect time to woo you with my totally logical points.


less of this


Why do developers feel the need to make me pause the game, scroll through some menus, and then make me spend some asinine form of points on upgrades. On one hand I don't even feel that weapons should need upgrades. A bullet is a bullet. Enemies shouldn't randomly become immune to my lead and then force me to acquire level 3 lead. It almost never makes sense.

But, on the other hand, sometimes it does make sense, when I come across a new enemy or something. Fine. But, can we have the weapons upgrade automatically? Please? It is so very tedious and boring to scroll through a menu and choose the next tier of weapons. At least let me choose the weapons I want or something. Not just the "next upgrade" weapon. That sucks. And, bringing a game to a standstill while I try to navigate unreadable HD text on my standard television is beyond frustrating.

It's a small gripe, sure. But, it is frustrating for me. I don't necessarily need a game to hand upgrades to me. If they can find a way to make upgrading fun and interesting then, I'm all for it. But, until then, I'd rather just nix the system all together.


On a somewhat different note,

I absolutely love shopping in video games. Except for a few series where it is pretty much necessary(The Sims), I'd prefer it be optional. I can see why some people would hate it, but for me it is always a nice change of pace for a shooter, or a racer, or whatever, to get a chance to relax and go shopping.

In Saint's Row 2, I spent hours just shopping around. Sometimes, I would pop the game in just to shop. It's fun to do that with video game money. It's way cheaper than using real money to shop and is often just as satisfying. It also goes back to my love for immersive game worlds and create a characters. Shopping for things, especially helpful things, can really do a game justice when pulling me in.



I do hope that more games put a bit more focus on the shopping experience. As it stands, load times and limited use of items prevents shopping from being all it can be. Shopping often creates a welcomed new layer of interactivity. And, when it works, this game withing a game formula is something I can get behind, and I hope to see more of it.


Of course, there are games that have gotten both the upgrades and the shopping right, I'm sure. I bet, I have missed some gems in both instances. But, it's something that I don't often read about when new games are advertised. It's a bummer, but at the same time developers are always going on about something fun. So, there's that.
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