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Cowzilla3 avatar 8:21 AM on 07.20.2007  (server time)
Recognizing Your Gaming Journalist, Part 1 (Revised, Thanks Blindside)

In a delayed honor of the recognizing your gamer articles I thought we should all also be able to recognize the different types of gaming journalists because, damn it, they have the greatest job in the world and someone needs to bring them down a notch, fuckers...with their game playing and writing about their game playing. Oh look at me I play games and write about them I'm sooooo...I digress.

I read a lot of gaming journalism, as I'm guessing most people here do, and after years and years of watching the world of gaming journalism stay horribly stagnant I figured I'd point out a few of the types of journalist your bound to run into. This is going to be long but in the interest of not clogging the blogging (I can rhyme!) I'm posting more than one at a time and in the end will present an actual serious discussion on how fucked gaming journalism really is.

The Cool Guy/Coolius Gamerus

In the interest of not insulting anyone I've found a generic tool.

The Cool Guy wasn't always this way. There was a time in gaming journalism when he could, like the rest of us, sit behind his computer in his pajamas and no one would know the better. But then people started wanting him on camera...but that would reveal his pajama secret! Quick to the nearest H&M. Now with hair in perfectly created I-don't-give-a-shit attitude that took him three hours to make he presents himself on camera like he's been the shit since he came kicking and screaming out of his mother's womb.
Found: Pretty much everywhere web casts are prevalent.
Clothing: Sports coat over a faded gaming t-shirt. Pre-ripped and worn jeans.
Writing Style: The Cool Guy writes some pretty good copy since at his heart he's still a gamer, it's when he gets in front of the camera you have to watch out. He'll get a sort of lean he thinks is hip and talk sideways to the camera.
Dream Story: "Web casts Insanely Unpopular. Gaming Journalists Return to Pajamas."
Favorite Quote: Oh, this. (Points to shirt clearly from Urban Outfitters) I found it in a flea market.
Little Known Fact: The Cool Guy's sport coat will eventually overwhelm the gamer inside and cause him to become more interested in games involving clothes shopping with Mary Kate and Ashley Olson.

The Girl/Femini Gamerus

Of course itís already been proven that you can't make these, they're born this way.

The Girl is a girl. Got that. She has breasts and a vagina. What are these, some of you may ask? Hell if I know, but girl journalists have them and they're awesome. Far rarer than any other type of gaming journalist The Girl is usually smarter, faster and better than her male counter parts but is literally kept down by the man. Unfortunately this isn't the only breed of The Girl. There is also the Eye Candy breed. This breed of The Girl is descendent from the female sideline reporter. She doesn't know much about gaming but man is she fine to look at. This breed of female journalist thrives on the idea that most gamers are male (true) and are horny virgins who would rather watch an attractive female talk about something she knows nothing about than anyone else who knows something about it (false).
Found: Mostly on the web, sometimes forced to report on television news.
Clothing: Depending on the breed the girl will either wear gamer chic (oxymoron?) or something low cut...boobies!
Writing Style: I'm a girl and I'm writing about games! Look at me!
Dream Story: "Gaming Kills All Men. Women Rule Earth."
Favorite Quote: I'm a fucking girl!
Little Known Fact Total myth. None of these so called "female gamers" actually exist. Itís all smoke and mirrors man.

Legitimate(?) Journalist/Arogauntus Assholos
Go away poor gamer. I may write about games but hell if I care about you or the industry. I like stove pipe hats.

Legitimate(?) Journalists are a disturbingly growing breed. They come when a large print newspaper finally realizes that people want to hear about gaming news but the paper doesn't want to hire a new reporter. They may be drawn from a different form of entertainment (movies and games are the same right?) or possibly someone saw Bob the mail boy playing his DS once and thinks that may qualify him to write about video games. Either way these new journalist are far more legitimate than anything you may read on the cursed internets because they're name is in print and print is more legitimate than that fancy computer screen.
Found: At most major print papers trying desperately to stay relevant.
Clothing: Top hat, suspenders and those things that hold old-timely socks up. Sometimes they wear pants and a shirt with this.
Writing Style: Incredibly arrogant and mostly wrong. Most Legitimate(?) Journalists talk like the know everything but actually know very little.
Dream Story: Let Me Tell You About Gaming.
Favorite Quote: Silly games, they hold nothing to my fancy hat.
Little Known Fact: Although Abraham Lincoln wore a fancy hat he would have been a bad ass gamer. "Four Score and Seven Years Ago...I KO's your bitch ass. Falco 4 Life. Lincoln is L33t, bitch!"

Ok there the first three. More to come, including Television and the blogger, when I can slack on my job more. Thaks Blindside for the advice. I may be new but I know who gives me my smash info.

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