I need a fucking key. Just one. I’ve been wandering through the horrible labyrinth battling nightmare fetus monsters for an hour so I think I’ve earned it. I’m covered in fecal matter and dried blood and all I really want right now is a single key. It’s a small request, really. I mean, I’ve cleared seven rooms on this floor alone but all that you’ve bestowed upon me is 4 pennies and bomb. Can I melt down this copper and pour it into a key mold? No. Can I rig this bomb to blow the lock of the treasure room door? No. So give me a key. Right now. No, fucker, that’s a heart. I don’t need a heart. I feel like I’m not accurately expressing how badly I would like for you to give me a key right now. Okay, okay, another penny. Ha ha ha. The joke’s on me, I get it. You know I want a key so you won’t give me one, is that how it is? Fuck it, I’ll fight the boss without your help.

It’s been a while, Cblog friends. I haven’t been around much lately and I apologize for that. I had a lot of fun last year with the Buy it/Avoid it Report (a semi-regular collection of mini-reviews) but this year has been very different. I haven’t been as inspired to write but I’ve also been distracted by another project, the Secret Moon Base podcast. Though knutaf, Occam and I have been on a recording hiatus for the last couple of weeks due to stuff, I’ve been having an absolute blast with it - far more than I anticipated. All our guests have been great the feedback so far has been lovely. Once we all get settled, I fully expect to hop back in the saddle and bust out more episodes. /plug

During our break, I have been completely absorbed by The Binding of Isaac, a top-down dungeon crawler rogue-like from Ed McMillen of Super Meat Boy fame. It came out on Steam sometime last year for like $5, which is a fucking steal. I instantly fell in love with it and was obsessed for a couple of weeks but eventually moved on to something else, as we gamers do. When the Wrath of the Lamb content expansion grew closer, I was drawn back into the depths of the basement like a mighty mammoth sinking into a tar pit. Except the tar pit was hours of extremely punishing bliss and the mammoth was me. I’m bad at metaphors.

So what makes it so addicting? Randomization, a key element in rogue-likes. The dungeon layouts, items, enemies and (most) bosses you encounter on each level are completely different every time you play. It keeps things exciting and, more importantly, makes the game nearly infinitely replayable. Over the last month I have put in nearly 50 hours into The Binding of Isaac, perched on the edge of my seat almost the entire time. Even after playing for this long, I still haven’t seen everything. Kind of impressive, if you ask me.

There are hundreds of items to collect and equip, with a lot of their effects stacking on top of one another. This leads to some incredibly powerful combinations, as well as some completely absurd ones. I’ve transformed precious young Isaac into a relentless hell-demon commanding an army of flies and squirting acidic blood from his tear ducts. I’ve morphed him into a ghostly angel capable of firing laser beams from his eyes as he calls down lightning strikes at will. Of course I’ve also evolved into a lumpy, slow cyclops who spits chocolate milk and pees a lot. It’s a new adventure every time and rarely ever boring.

But it is frustrating. Sometimes infuriating. Since nearly everything in the game is random, it can often seem like fate just isn’t on your side. You’ll come across a bunch of locked chests and treasure rooms, but have no keys to open them. You can walk into a room with a unsavory layout and get the shit beaten out of you by a gaggle of low level enemies. Occasionally you’ll be forced to take on a tough boss with little more than a single heart. A lot of times, it’s just not fair.



This brutal, unforgiving experience is compounded by the constant pressure of perma-death. With the exception of a few rare items that grant you a second chance, all deaths lead back to the start screen. One little maggot with a tricky attack pattern can be your demise. A simple misplaced bomb can cause a chain reaction leading to your death. A fly you failed to see buzzing up behind you can sap your last bit of health. Hindsight is 20/20 after a particularly stupid mistake. As you stare blankly at the game over screen, dark thoughts of quitting and playing something else may creep into your mind. But your redemption is only a quick character selection away. Next time will be different because, well, it has to be. As long as you treat each death as a learning experience and push forward, you will get better and you will be rewarded...eventually.

If I’m painting too grim a picture, don’t worry. Feelings of extreme power and moments of triumph are common too, you just have to work for them. It helps to make intelligent use of your limited resources but of course luck has a lot to do with it too. However, with a little experimentation, you may discover that you have more control over this random world than you previously realized.

Take the bomb, for instance. It’s a weapon, sure. You can place it on the ground and damage enemies within its blast radius. It can also be used to blow up rocks that stand in Isaac’s way or destroy slot machines after you’ve had your fun with them. It can open a path to secret rooms if you happen to place it along certain walls. It can even create bridges to platforms that seem inaccessible by carefully aiming the debris of an adjacent rock. Point being, there are many uses for this one item that took me many hours to discover. Techniques that I use frequently now were only clear to me after a series of happy accidents.

Keys are also vital to your survival, they’re just not as versatile. A key is your only ticket into shops and treasure rooms - two of the most common places to upgrade your arsenal. The random nature of the game can often make keys a rare commodity, as I explained in the intro. The game will tempt you with chests and locked barriers, but if you fuck up enough times (like me) you’ll eventually train yourself to always keep at least one spare key in your inventory.

There’s a lot more to talk about (item combinations, enemy strategies, curses, trinkets, etc.) but that may be an entirely different blog. For the time being, just know that I am deeply in love with The Binding of Isaac and I encourage you to try it out if you haven’t yet. It’s definitely not for everyone but if you’re looking for a challenge and enjoy a dark, twisted sense of humor, it’s brilliant.

Inspired by the recent blog by bbain and the other Dtoiders before him, I thought I'd weigh in with my own 10 things you didn't know post.



1) I used to consider myself an artist

- As a child, I drew constantly. I loved creating characters and drawing out plans for silly inventions. My mother (who is a talented artist herself) and I would play different drawing games together. My favorite was one in which we set up a wall between our two pads of paper and drew a basic shape for a head. We would then alternately tell each other to add different facial features, like pointy ears or three eyes, until we decided we could add no more. The best part was revealing our drawings to each other and seeing how vastly different they turned out even though we had the same instructions. I was actually describing Draw Something to her the other day and she reminded me of a game we used to play with Mario Paint that was basically the same thing! Crazy. Later, in my high school years, I would always carry a sketchbook around with me and doodle whatever was clogging up my idiot teenaged mind. I still have it and, yes, it’s incredibly embarrassing. Lots of references to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beastie Boys and Pearl Jam.

2) I didn’t go to my high school graduation

- A couple days before graduation, I left a friend’s house and was making my way home. The battery had died in my car recently and knocked all my radio presets out of whack so, (stupidly) I chose to fiddle with them while driving. I remember being slightly distracted because the time (10:57) was similar to the station I was trying to set (105.7) and I took my eyes off the road for longer than I should have. I ran a red light and crashed my ‘88 Nova hatchback into a minivan that was crossing in front of me. I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt and smashed the windshield with my face/head and put my right knee through the dashboard. I strangely didn’t feel any pain and was more concerned with the safety of the other vehicle. When I stepped out of my car to check on them, my leg gave out and I decided it’d be best to sit down. A woman who was waiting at the stoplight hopped out of her car and ran over with some napkins to soak up the large amount of blood. I asked her to check on the other vehicle and she said the family (Jesus Christ, a family?) was all okay. Long story short, I got 77 stitches, a permanent scar on my forehead, a left eyebrow that grows funny and I have a mild panic attack when I go through intersections. Needless to say, I always wear my seatbelt now and only mess with my stereo when I’ve reached a full stop.

3) I have incredibly boring dreams

- If you have interesting dreams, I envy you. My girlfriend tells me about dreams where she’s wandering through an underwater cathedral or being chased by flesh eating creatures and violently fending them off with blunt weapons. I have dreams where I wake up late and I’m rushing to get ready. I had a dream once in which I forgot to put pants on and I was embarrassed when someone pointed it out. I had a dream once where I couldn’t run and it was annoying. I had a dream where I was at work, doing work related things but I kept catching my co-worker lying on the counter. I’d tell him to stop but a few minutes later he’d be back up there, taking a nap or just relaxing. It dawned on me - it was Sunday but I wasn’t supposed to be there. I had made the schedule recently and I clearly remember giving myself Sunday off. I tried to backtrack to how I’d gotten to work that day but couldn’t piece it together fully. In a somewhat lucid state, I decided to test my theory. I ran towards the door, kicked it open and took flight! Hundreds of feet in the air, I shouted something like, “YEAH!!!” and woke myself up. My one chance at having an awesome dream...ruined.

4) I’m terrified of public speaking

- I can’t even explain why. I don’t necessarily mind talking to people or even a small group. However, if I’m thrust behind a podium or asked to stand up and speak to the room, I tense up. My throat tightens and I do everything in my power to keep what I say as short as possible. It’s positively horrifying. I went on a Habitat for Humanity trip with my friend’s church group once and had a great time. What wasn’t explained to me beforehand was that after we came back, we’d have to speak in front of the entire congregation and share stories of our experiences. All I remember is my eyes watering up and my voice croaking through whatever I blurted out. I walked away totally ashamed. All I know is I’ll never get into politics and I sure as hell won’t become a motivational speaker anytime soon.

5) I feel more comfortable around animals than people

- I love animals and have had pets around all my life. As a child, I had a Chow named Cricket that I loved intensely. She was incredibly gentle and almost always peaceful but would occasionally bust out with this playful side that always made me laugh. She also farted a lot but I forgave her for that. When she was about 8, she fell ill and had to be put down within days of us noticing anything was wrong. I had never experienced such a painful loss and I cried more than I thought I would. She still holds a special place in my heart and I find myself comparing other dogs to her. She’s still the best, by a long shot.

6) I fucking hate talking on the phone

- I don’t feel like I really have to elaborate on this one much but seriously - it’s the worst. Phone calls are always an annoyance no matter what else is going on. I could be watching TV, playing a game, reading a magazine, messing around on the Internet, it doesn’t matter - a phone call can ruin any situation. My disdain most likely stems from having to answer the phone and answer silly questions all day at work. So if you call me at home, I apologize if I sound really annoyed. I am.

7) I’m not even slightly religious

- I was describing my personal belief system to a friend one day and she told me that I sounded like a Secular Humanist. The term wasn’t familiar to me so I researched it a little and, to my surprise, I was. This little blurb sums the idea up pretty well: “Humanism is a democratic and ethical life stance, which affirms that human beings have the right and responsibility to give meaning and shape to their own lives. It stands for the building of a more humane society through an ethic based on human and other natural values in the spirit of reason and free inquiry through human capabilities. It is not theistic, and it does not accept supernatural views of reality.” It’s basically the concept of being a decent person for the good of those around you, not because you’re afraid you’ll be punished after you die. It’s not nearly as vague as agnosticism and it’s a lovely alternative to atheism.

8) I had my nipple pierced once

- Peer pressure is a funny thing, kids. I don’t know what I hoped to accomplish by having a piece of metal dangling from a flap of sensitive skin but I did it. It never fully healed and I removed it a couple months later. All I have to show for my dumb mistake is a nipple riddled with scar tissue and a serious fear of titty twisters. Lately I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo but I’ve decided to sit on the idea for a couple more years. No need to rush into an even more permanent mistake.

9) It took me 30 years to break into the 200’s

- I’m 6’3’’ (maybe 6’4’’ if I stand up straight) and I’ve been a skinny kid my whole life. I always ate a lot and, though I played a few sports in high school, was never especially active or health conscious. I just figured I was blessed with amazing metabolism and it would always be that way. Well, age has finally caught up with me. After years and years of hovering between the 165 - 180 lbs range, I’ve finally coasted past the 200 mark. I’m not overweight and I’m surely not making light of anyone else’s trouble with weight control. It’s just strange for me to look down and see a few rolls, that’s all. My father told me that his breasts jiggle when he brushes his teeth so perhaps I’ll take up jogging or something if I creep up to 220.

10) I’ve never left the confines of the United States

- My girlfriend and I travel quite a bit. We’ve been to Chicago, Denver, San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle and a few other places. We take tons of pictures and try to check out as many museums, parks and restaurants as possible during our stay. Having lived in Saint Louis, MO my entire life, I can confirm that just about everywhere is more interesting than here. One thing I’d love to do is see some other parts of the world. Canada and Mexico both seem nice but I’m thinking about crossing an ocean here. Australia and New Zealand look incredible, as do many cities in Europe. Even though we have no solid plans as of yet, the prospect alone excites me greatly. I think it’s high time I open my eyes a bit and explore this giant, beautiful sphere we live on.

____

Wow, I'm kind of surprised with how difficult this was to write! It felt good though and I hope some of you do the same. I'd love to get to know you better. :)

Secret Moon Base is a videogame podcast featuring a few of your fellow community bloggers here on Destructoid - Corduroy Turtle, knutaf and Occams electric toothbrush. We talk about recent announcements, chat about what we've been playing lately and tackle a different videogame related topic each episode.

Hello there! I have a brand new episode of Secret Moon Base for you! I realize this is later than usually but someone took a vacation and screwed up the recording schedule. Okay, it was me. I'm sorry. From the looks of it, Friday could be our standard posting day for a while so keep an eye out for that.

In our fifth episode, we talk about some of our favorite videogame characters with our buddy Mr. Andy Dixon. We also talk about what it might be like to share a bed with Goro from Mortal Kombat, how models of submarines can make great weapons and... other stuff. I'd tell you more but I'm late for work!

Secret Moon Base - Episode 005 "Meatball Hot Pocket"

If you'd like to ask us questions or get updates on various Secret Moon Base happenings, follow us on Twitter @theSMBpodcast. See you next episode!

Secret Moon Base is a videogame podcast featuring a few of your fellow community bloggers here on Destructoid - Corduroy Turtle, knutaf and Occams electric toothbrush. We talk about recent announcements, chat about what we've been playing lately and tackle a different videogame related topic each episode.

Good evening, C-blog readers! For our fourth episode, we decided to focus on some of our favorite bits of downloadable content (DLC), as well as mention a few that would best be avoided. We also touched on the PSVita, went into great depth about how terrible NeverDead is, murdered a few cereal mascots and accused an innocent man of racism. Please give it a listen and let us know how we're doing in the comments!

Secret Moon Base - Episode 004 "Candy corn soda"

If you'd like to ask us questions or get updates on various Secret Moon Base happenings, follow us on Twitter @theSMBpodcast. See you next episode!

Secret Moon Base is a videogame podcast featuring a few of your fellow community bloggers here on Destructoid - Corduroy Turtle, knutaf and Occams electric toothbrush. We talk about recent announcements, chat about what we've been playing lately and tackle a different videogame related topic each episode.

Hey there! In an effort to make your Monday suck less, I have a brand new episode of the Secret Moon Base podcast for you! This time around the guys and I are joined by the all-powerful Mr Andy Dixon as we take a look back at some of our favorite childhood videogame memories. We ended up clocking in at almost two full hours and had a blast the entire time. I don't want to build it up too much but it's easily our best episode yet. Feel free to give it a listen and let us know what you think!

Secret Moon Base - Episode 003 "There is no Santa"

If you'd like to ask us questions or get updates on various Secret Moon Base happenings, follow us on Twitter @theSMBpodcast. See you next episode!

“Oh my God....it’s perfect. Could this actually be true? Oh fuck....what if it IS true?! Holy shit!! IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!!” - my actual thought process

For the last week, I’ve been completely consumed by a rumor I read on the Internet. I know, I know, rumors get thrown around all the time and hardly any of them are worth paying attention to..... but this one’s special. This one might be real!



Before I go into the rumor, perhaps a little back story will help you understand my obsession. When the TMNT cartoon debuted in late 1987, I was the impressionable age of 6. I freaking loved it. I would watch the show religiously on Saturday mornings and repeatedly begged my parents for any and all related merchandise. Knee deep in licenced action figures, I would create my own action-packed TMNT adventures in the woods behind our home. I remember the burning jealously I felt when a neighborhood friend showed me the Technodrome his parents got for him. I considered stealing it from him but I wasn't sure how I'd get it out of his room.

It wasn’t long before the Turtles crossed over into the videogame world as well. I have many fond memories of popping quarters into the original arcade cabinet while I waited for my indoor soccer games to start. I would always pick Donatello because of his sweet bo staff and attack range. This preference continued throughout most of the console releases too, my favorite being TMNT: Turtles in Time for the SNES. Ah, such a fantastic game.



But that was a long time ago. I tried getting into the animated film that was released a couple years back but it just didn’t have the same heart as the animated series, though my nostalgia had faded a bit over time. In an effort to reclaim that lost feeling, I picked up some used Bebop and Rocksteady action figures I found at a local resell shop for about $5 a piece. Getting my hands on those figures again flooded my mind with memories that I hadn’t thought about in over a decade. It’s such a crazy, wonderful feeling.

Another thing that has rekindled my warm TMNT feelings is a digital artist named Dave Rapoza. He did this beautifully gruesome portrait of Super Meat Boy which kind of blew my mind. To my delight, he recently did a series of realistic versions of TMNT characters that make my heart explode with joy. Here are a few examples.






These pieces managed to take the silly cartoon characters that I've loved since childhood and bring them into my current state of mind. Just looking at them makes me excited. Then, at the peak of my TMNT nostalgia resurgence, I read this on the Internet:

Is Rocksteady Studios’ next game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Manhattan Crisis?!

Holy crap. HOLY CRAP! I've been incepted with this crazy idea and I can’t stop thinking about it. Seriously, how easy it would be to tweak elements of Batman: Arkham City to make the best TMNT game of all time?! Who else could take these characters and treat them with the tender love and respect they deserve? Who else (possibly) named their company after a popular TMNT character?!

For starters, the combat is an absolutely perfect fit for a TMNT game. They’ve already shown they can handle multiple playable characters with Batman, Robin, Catwoman and Nightwing represented in Arkham City. Imagine each the four Turtles with their unique weapons and fighting styles taking on hordes of the Foot Clan. Multiplayer could be pretty cool but I'd be fine with a single-player game that allowed to switch characters as I pleased. Heck, they could throw in Casey Jones, Splinter and Usagi Yojimbo too and make this grown man cry.

Speaking of characters, there are a tons of amazing villains in the TMNT universe. Besides the multitude of Foot Clan soldiers there's obviously Bebop, Rocksteady, Shredder and Krang being the main ones. I could see Baxter Stockman and Rat King also make some amazing boss fights but I'm sure there would be some unexpected cameos as well, if the last two Batman games are anything to go on.

Not to mention the free-roaming city environment lends itself perfectly to the Turtle's stomping grounds. Rooftops, streets, alleys and sewers (all present in Akrham City) are where they spend most of their time. My crazy brain tells me this could work so maybe it's true.

I could go on and on but honestly the author of the original rumor article did a nice job of summing up the obvious similarities of the two universes and why this is such an amazing idea. He also mentions a few reasons why this may in fact not be true, which I completely ignored. I don't want to hear any negatives right now - I just want an official announcement. Until then, I'm going to go practice my bo staff moves in the backyard.