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(Well, Destructoid sure looks... orange...)

You know, when you play a game a lot, and realize that you have a lot in common, and you want to take the game a step further? I do.

That's me and Rez.



Back in 2002, Rez and I had something special. I've always been a rhythm game junkie. When I heard about Rez, I knew there was something to be had. I bought it for the Playstation 2, and there was magic. Rez and I had a great time together.

Rez was a masterpiece, a game I proudly displayed on my shelf.

*Sigh*

Lately, I've been hearing that Rez is hanging out with the wrong crowd. It's fallen into the hands of some stoners who abuse it. I can't do anything about it.

Imagine a group people in a museum talking about Guernica. You love the painting; it's bizarre, it's surreal, but it's still quite an emotional experience. Then, you hear an ignorant young man come along and say "Dude, that shit looks awesome when I'm stoned out my ass". That's how Rez is today.

And, quite frankly, I'm not happy about it.



Rez is a work of art. It is a game where every facet of the game increases the immersion. Mizuguchi made sure that every aspect, from the stylized "coded" graphics to the pulsating trance soundtrack enhanced your experience as you shot targets in sync to the kick of the bass.

According to the kids who were only recently introduced to this game, however, it sucks unless you're high. The visuals have no worth on their own whatsoever, and the gameplay is easy enough for you to go through the game without sobriety. The fact that people think one of my favorite games of all time is better when you're high leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.

As much as I'd hate to admit, I can understand this rationality when it's pointed at Space Giraffe, which goes out of it's way to obscure your vision as you go through the game. But Rez? Come on. This game is pure unadulterated sex, why enhance (Read: lose) the full experience of something like this?

Ugh.



(In before Jim Sterling provides a simple, yet insulting counterpoint)

Discuss.

So, the CBlogs suck today. Yeah. Thankfully, since this tipped off the Chieftain Counter-Fail System™, I'm automatically taking countermeasures. I have some gasoline, a flamethrower, and an endangered Yew tree (Which contains a possible cure for cancer).

So, gather 'round the campfire, children. Time for some stories.




One day, I was playing Team Fortress 2 with a few friends. I was an Engineer at 2fort. The game just started, so I took the defensive with another Engineer, who was setting a Sentry Gun up on top of the 'Staircase', or the stairs leading into the Intelligence Room. I put my Sentry in the infamous 'to-the-right-of-the-spawn' location (BlindsideDork wasn't in the game with me, so I didn't put one in the enemy Intel Room). Then, "a wild Critic appears!". A Sniper, by the name of [REDACTED BY CHIEFTAIN ANONYMITY SYSTEM™]

[REDACTED #1: 30-something, sounds overweight. A Sniper.]: What the fuck are you doing, monkey?

AgentChieftain: BUILDAN AH SENTRY.

[REDACTED #1]: PUT IT IN THE FUCKIN' INTEL ROOM YOU FUCKIN' IDIOT.

AgentChieftain: ...Why? Camping is for fags.

WildMFThunder: OH HAI, I'LL JUST PUT MY STUFF WHERE THE REST OF MY TEAM CAN'T ACCESS IT. REAL TEAM PLAYING.

[REDACTED #1]: Fuck you, dude. ENGINEERS, PUT YOUR SHIT IN THE INTEL ROOM YOU FUCKING MONKEYS. *Giggling*

WildMFThunder [Friend of mine, a Demoman.]: Are you laughing at your own joke?

[REDACTED #1]: God forbid you get skilled enough to play a real class, like Sniper.

AgentChieftain: What.

TippyTangler [Another friend of mine, a Spy]: Yeah, uh, no.

[REDACTED #1] *Giggling* Shut up, monkey. Go build your Banana Sentry Gun up on the stairs like a good money. *Giggling*.

[REDACTED #2: Twelve. Shouldn't be playing M-rated games. A Heavy.]: Dude, niiiiice.

TippyTangler: WHOA WHOA WHOA. Youngin' right here.

AgentChieftain: You do know that I can't help you guys if one of us set up down there, right?

[REDACTED #1] Build your Banana Dispenser next to it, you stupid fuck. That's what it's for.

TippyTangler: Hahahahaha.

AgentChieftain: Rather than build it where my team can use it? Since Heavies, Demomen and Pyros go through ammo fast as shit?

[REDACTED #2]: DUDE, SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE MAN.

[REDACTED #1]: I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME ALL DAY AND I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYBODY AS STUPID AS YOU.



The rest of the conversation is pretty much a shit-flinging contest between me and this 30-something guy. It's bizarre, because I felt like I was losing the argument, even though I was completely right.

I fucking hate Xbox Live, the ESRB, and the man who invented the Microphone.