Sit down kiddos, Uncle Coonskin05 is about to give you a history lesson. Back in the day, years and years ago, before some of you were even born, a man named Excremento was a writer on the cblogs. He brought smiles to everyone's faces with his Top 10 lists, and was even featured on the front page for it. Well, that was a long time ago, and Excremento has moved on and is raising a family now, but being a protege of his retro gaming ways, have decided to bring back the spirit of the Top 10 list. For this first list, I will be looking at the first console I ever owned, the great Nintendo Entertainment System.
10. Ninja Gaiden
Ninja Gaiden was the first ninja game that I played, despite Shinobi coming out earlier, and was always one of my favorite NES games growing up (I don't remember the game frustrating me as much when I was a lad, I blame this on the Game Genie). Ninja Gaiden was known for two things, one being its unrelenting difficulty, and the other its use of in-game cutscenes. Ninja Gaiden is balls-hard, and if you can complete it without rage quitting at some cheap off-screen enemy knocking you into a pit, I commend you.
9. Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
If simplicity were next to godliness, Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! would be Jesus. If you gave Punch-Out to someone and told them all they had to do was dodge attacks and use the A & B buttons to punch, they would probably scoff at the ease of the game. But it wouldn't be long before they would be crying at the hands of Soda Popinski and Super Macho Man.
Startropics is, for all intents and purposes, the goofy-ass cousin of Zelda. The game is very much a Zelda clone (while never quite reaching the quality of Zelda), but never takes itself too seriously. Mike Jones also preempts Ness in the use of household items as weapons, such as a baseball bat, yo-yo and slingshot, but for some reason Ness is the one remembered for it. No respect, I tell ya.
7. The Legend of Zelda
I know at this point some of you are probably raging at me and praying for the death of my unborn because this is not higher on the list, but hear me out. Legend of Zelda is one of the most important video games in existence, as not only did it pave the way for other Zelda classics such as A Link to the Past and Link's Awakening, it invented the action-RPG genre. My main complaint with the game is that if you do not have the map that came in the box, good fucking luck trying to figure out where to go. And that sucks.
6. Snake Rattle n Roll
This might be an obscure title to some, but I fucking adored this game as a kid. Basically, you start out as a snake head, and your goal is to eat little balls that extend your length (insert penis joke here) in order to be heavy enough to weigh down a scale to open a door. Makes perfect sense right? Nope. But Snake Rattle n Roll is nothing short of fun, and that is all I'm really looking for in a game.
5. Tiny Toon Adventures
Tiny Toon Adventures is the first example on this list that proves that back in the day, quality licensed games were the rule, not the exception. TTA has it all: multiple playable characters, hidden levels, and a soundtrack that floods me with nostalgia. But perhaps best of all, the platforming and level design in the game are fucking ace.
4. Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers
And here's the second licensed game! If you did not watch Rescue Rangers growing up, you are either old or a communist, and I have no respect for either one of those categories. Capcom, who was just on fire in the NES days, took the Rescue Rangers license and made an excellent game out of it. But careful, do not play co-op mode on this game, because there is a 95% chance that before you beat the first boss one of you will have punched the other player in the face.
3. Mega Man 3
I have no apologies here for picking Mega Man 3 over Mega Man 2. Because, as I have stated before, and will always state, MM3 is better than 2 in every way. 3 has 2's bosses, 3 has Rush instead of "Items", 3's music is better, and 3 has Protoman. And that, my friends, is what we call science.
2. Super Mario Bros. 2
And at this point you are assuming that I am just being contrary by picking Mega Man 3 over Mega Man 2, and picking SMB2 over 3 or 1. But I'm really not. Yes, I know Super Mario Bros 2 is really a reskinned Doki Doki Panic, that doesn't stop it from being an awesome game. Mario 2 has some amazing music, an extremely colorful world, and spaceships. Allow me to reenact the first time I saw the spaceship in SMB2. "Doo doo doo...oh, looks like a dead end. Well, there's a dubious weed, might as well plucHOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A SPACESHIP THAT I'M RIDING IN, OH GOD THIS IS AWESOME!" I think I prove my point.
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
I am aware, that for the most part, TMNT2 is just another side-scrolling beat 'em up in a field of others. But the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a focal point in my childhood for at least 3-4 years. The Turtles were the Alpha and Omega, and everything that they were in was greater than Jesus' love (except for the first Turtles game for the NES, fuck that game). I have played this game so much that I practically have it memorized. The only games that rival this game for me are Chrono Trigger, Super Mario 64, and...that's about it. If you ever talk ill about this game to my face, I will fight you. That is not a threat, that is a promise.
0. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends
And on the flip side of licensed games, we have this unforgivable pile of shit. I bought Rocky and Bullwinkle, cause hey, I liked the TV show, and most licensed games were good, so how bad could it be? The answer is fucking terribad. This game plays like a programming major dropout's first attempt at making a game, from the MS Paint graphics to the nonexistence of hit collision. This game is nothing more than a late term abortion.