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★ destructoid | US Community Manager ★
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Newly crowned U.S. Community Manager, Conor has been working with the community since shortly after PAX East '10, where he drunkenly told an editor he wanted to be "more active, man" over and over. The next day, when reminded of it, he knew there was only one thing to do: throw amazing parties. For the next several years Conor held the Midwest NARPs and helped out the staff at any event he attended. One day Andy Dixon asked him if he'd like to become a member of the staff and the only thing he could do was say "hold on let me masturbate." Then he said "fuck yes!"

Nothing is more important to me than helping you have fun. Let me know about any events you are planning, want to promote, or need advice about.

Follow me on twitter: @Jon_Bloodspray
Facebook: Conor Elsea
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And I don't even know what the fuck my face was doing at this moment.

So here I am, last minute, pushing out a cblog for the 8th anniversary badge. †I actually had this idea months ago, but I procrastinate. †I always enjoy when 10 Things blogs make a comeback, so on top of getting back into the cblogs for a bit, I thought maybe I could kickstart a new round of these.

I made this list on a kind of rough day, which is why it seems a bit darker and real than my normal personality. †Of course, if it were just normal stuff, you might already know them about me and what would be the point of that?

Jesus, Iím a shitty writer these days. †Totally out of practice.

Anyway, here we goÖ

1. NARPs and meetups are the only times these days when I really feel happy.

Donít get me wrong, Iím not depressed or anything. †Most things in my life simply make me content. †I laugh at things and smile a lot and hang out with friends, but nothing ever fills me with as much joy as being around other people with the same interests and hobbies. †PAXes and NARPs are far and away the things that make me happiest these days, hands down. †If I could go to every NARP and convention every year I definitely would. †As a matter of fact, I hate NOT being at events so much that when I am unable to attend one, I ignore all news from it because it wrecks me that I am not there and Toneman has a two-player beer partner that isnít me, or JJ is drinking scotch on the roof at 6 am with someone else, or someone else is being an asshole to Beccy and goddammit though I hope everyone is having so much fun. †I guess I shouldnít say those are the only times Iím happy. †Thereís actually a pretty great woman in my life right now that shows some promise, and Iím learning to deal with being an adult. But holy cow, those moments with Dtoiders are when I really, truly feel like Iím home.

2. †Iíve tried and failed at more things than most people have even attempted.

Cop? †Fucked that up. †Rockstar? †Spent a decade chasing that dream. †Games journalist? LOLOLOLOLOL †Literally any kind of college education? †I aced a philosophy class once. Remember Organ Donors and One Shots? †Letís not even get into my relationship history. †Christ on a crutch, that alone could go on for days. †Thereís probably a hundred first 20 pages of scripts/books/screenplays out there somewhere that I started and then stopped after 3 days. †This is kind of related to my next pointÖ

3. I say Iím going to do a lot of things. †I actually do very few.

Sometimes itís an anxiety thing. I get perturbed by the hassle of entry and talk myself out of things before I even start them. †Thatís pretty much the worst. †Anxiety is a fucking dick. †Twice in my life Iíve snuck away from parties to go ball my eyes out to a dog because I donít even fucking know why. †Other times Iím just lazy and would rather play videogames or hey I need to learn to play a new song RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. †Sometimes I forget, but itís mostly anxiety or being lazy.

4. Iím actually incredibly judgmental.

Are you wearing Ed Hardy, Tap-out, or Affliction brand products? Is the bill of your hat straight, and does it maybe have the sticker still on it? †Yes? †Fucking kill yourself, you fucking douchebag. †I really dislike this part about myself, but itís so damn hard to change. †I just get so agitated when I see certain shit. †Tons of bling or whatever, and an inability to speak clear English, ICP/Twizted fans, those shitty purple reflective sunglassesÖ those are just some things that set me right the fuck off. †I know weíre not supposed to judge a book by itís cover, but when was the last time a book labeled Sailor Jerry and soaked in Bud Light was anything worthwhile?

5. I always think Iím right.

Always. †Because I am. †Most of the time a logical path to the correct †conclusion is not hard to figure out, and everyone else is an emotional fucking idiot.

6. Iím pretty supportive of feminist causes.

But mostly because I think gender stereotypes are annoying as fuck. †There was a girl I had class with once who wanted to be an architectural engineerÖ until the professor called her out on some shitty work (on an English paper, it was a 100 level class) and she said it wasnít a big deal, she was just going to find a rich guy anyways.

You stupid bitch.

On the flip side, I donít like sports. †Never have, but spent about 25 years pretending so I could fit in. †In all honesty I think at this point they are fucking detrimental to society, but thatís a whole nother topic that youíd be wrong about and Iím not going to get into it right now. †So anyway, I donít like sports. †I grew up in a tiny ass midwest town. †Friday nights meant football, so I pretended (with a bottle of grocery store Southern Comfort). †I hated it. †Even now as an adult, when people ask if I saw the game and I tell them I donít watch sports, it gets awkward. †We could talk about AN ALMOST ENDLESS AMOUNT OF OTHER TOPICS, but nah, this guy doesnít like sports. †I bet he plays with Barbies too.

Iíd love to see a world where no topics, styles, professions, etc. had a gender assigned to them. †If nothing else, the world would be way less fucking annoying.

Side Note: Man, I swear a lot.

7. I wanted this job to go to parties. †Now I wish I was in a position to do more. †

So did you know Iím actually the U.S. Community Manager here? †When I originally wanted the job Hamza was going to parties all the time, doing all that industry exclusive shit, reviewing games, and generally living the dream. †Thatís what I wanted to do, man. †I can put an incredible amount of booze and other substances into my body, and I love to party. †Even thrown a few good ones myself. †I ran the midwest group for a few years and helped out Hamza whenever I could make it to conventions, then Andy Dixon must have sucked someoneís dick because he got the job when I should have. †After I damn near said fuck everything and table flipped the internet out of existence, I got on staff as Community Coordinator or some such made up title nonsense. †I basically stuck around and did what I could when I could, and when Andy got moved up he said I could have the old title. †Yay me. †I wish I could do more for the site though. †I still want to throw parties and host events, but I live in Toledo, Ohio and it is literally one of the 10 worst cities in the country. †Plus, my actual job pays shit (but hey I have insurance now!) so I just canít afford to travel so many times a year. †Tell you what though, if I lived in San Francisco with the rest of the cool kids (even though Portland is in fact a way cooler city), †the amount of work crews theyíd have to hire to rebuild the city after I burnt that motherfucker down every weekend would solve the unemployment crisis. †So yeah, I still want to party. †But I want to do it with all the Dtoiders, everywhere. †One huge lesson I learned was that I will never again go to an event party that the Destructoid members canít get into. †I did that one time and that was enough. †You guys are what make me happy, and youíre who I want to be partying with. Because more than anything else I want you to be having fun, and if Iím really, really lucky, I might get to be a part of the reason.

8. †Iím principled to the point of fault.

Thereís certain rules I abide by, and bend them for nothing. †A lot of it comes from having shit service jobs for most of my life. †I will not go into a restaurant within 20 minutes of their closing. †I will not wait in lines, because A) I hate lines and B) Iíve been on the other side and I know what itís like when you have a line to the door and ONE MORE PERSON just had to walk in. †I have driven an extra 10 minutes to go to another Chipotle because the line at the first one was too long. †I canít think of any other examples right now, but fuck you Iím tired.

9. †I think fake nerds absolutely do exist.

The only real problem with that meme is that we had to make it fake gamer GIRL. †Iíve always thought this comic sums it up well. †I mean seriously, are you going to sit there and tell me everyone that ever dressed as Mario for Halloween is actually into it? †I donít know man, Iím not the gatekeeper for ďtrue nerdomĒ or whatever, but it pisses me off. I canít stand being at the bar and seeing someone that slapped on a Star Wars tshirt because they heard my dive bar is pretty cool. †Donít even get me started on the bar here that does an annual Nerd Bash. †Suspenders and thick rimmed glasses. †Yeah, thatís how we dress guys. †You didnít know?

10. †Iím pretty into physical fitness.

This might be pretty surprising, because of all the booze and poor life choices. †For some time now though, Iíve been working out 5 days a week and following a pretty clean diet. †I also eat few carbs, but thatís mainly because my diabetes is more manageable without them. Originally I just wanted to bang more attractive women, but now Iím kind of hooked. †The moment I noticed those abs starting to pop out I was sold. †I look fucking great naked, and work hard for it.

So I guess thatís it for now. †Maybe next time Iíll share the real reason I sold my first PS3, or the time I woke up with a girl in my bed and a pillowcase covered in blood. †Right now though, I hope this shitty, rushed, badge grab of a cblog entertained you, and with any luck will inspire more people do share 10 things. †If not, then fuck you. †I need to get to sleep so I can open my shitty job in the morning, and I still havenít had todayís workout.
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This picture, this whole adventure, wouldn't have been possible were it not for the Dtoid community. Thank you.

Back in June I decided to pack all my earthly belongings into my truck and head from Toledo, Ohio across the country to Portland, Oregon. I put out the call to my fellow Dtoiders, letting them know I would be very grateful for a place to lay my head on the way. In pure Dtoid fashion, they delivered in spades. Mr. Gobbldigook (Sam) was on his way from Boston to Seattle, so he jumped in with me and off we went!



First stop we had was lunch just past Chicago with these two gentlemen. That's falsenipple and ChillyBill. We stopped at Gameworks for some food and drinks, and Chillybill gave me an awesome ass TARDIS coffee mug as a house warming gift.

Heading out from there, our next stop was in Iowa, where member PoopfaceMorty offered us his place for the night.

I think he just wanted his brofist badge.

We hung out for a night, he made us a pizza, and we watched some Game of Thrones. It was a nice night.

The next day was fucking brutal. BRUTAL. It was the beginning of this summer's heat wave, and my truck had no air conditioning. However, Sam and I trudged through the heat and made a stop to deliver a brofist badge to ProlificDream.


It was at this point we started referring to ourselves as the Brofist Badge Delivery Service.

We pushed on that day and night into Denver, where we stayed with a friend of mine I used to bartend with(Thanks Connor Brown!). While there, we met up with PappaDukes for lunch. Motherfucker was one of the chillest dudes I've ever met. If I ever make it out to Denver again, this dude is going to be the first one I call.



We also spent a night out with ShadoKatRegn. I don't think we have any pictures of that, but she bought most of our drinks in a dueling piano bar. As I am sure you can guess, it was a great night. She's also one of the people responsible for the great co-op game SCHAR: Blue Shield Alliance so you should go check that out!

From Denver, we made our way to Tempe, AZ to stay with Dtoid writer and community member Dexter345 (or as you may know him on the front page, Darren Nakamura). Again, I can't find any pictures of this, but him and Sam got down on some Spelunky and we got to cool down from the road. His wife had just baked some cookies and they both treated us awesome.

From there we went to Las Vegas with a stop at the Grand Canyon on the way. I have to say, if you've never seen the Grand Canyon, you should at least once in your life. You simply cannot grasp how immense it is unless you see it with your own eyes. It's awe inspiring.

Once in Vegas we found out that the bars never closed and drank enough to make them regret that. We did head to the strip and Fremont Street for a night, but not much happened. Fremont Street is pretty trashy, and on the strip I was offered cocaine at least once every block. Sadly, I hadn't worked that into my travel budget. We were lucky enough to stay with my cousin Dave for a few nights, so Dave, if you read this, thank you so much.

From there we went to L.A. where we stayed with the inexplicably internet famous Gobun.


Who am I kidding? I love the retard.

DanlHaas and Ruckus even drove up from San Diego to meet us there!



We drank a bunch, walked to McDonald's, and partied on the roof until the neighbor yelled at us a bunch. The next morning after breakfast we shoved off for the next destination.

We encountered some trouble on this leg, but it's not much of a story to tell. It did set us behind a day though. We were supposed to stay with Hamza in San Francisco for a night, but the delay threw us off. Still, thanks the offer Hamza!

We made it to Portland in one piece. Sam caught his bus to Seattle in the nick of time. Journey's end.

I know this is late, and I know it's not very detailed. Truth is that I set out on a huge life changing journey, and I did it relatively late in life. In a time when I had no idea what was ahead of me, I knew that I had my Dtoid family to count on. I can never really thank all of you enough for letting us rest, or just sharing a moment with us on the way. If you ever need anything, and you know I mean anything, don't hesitate in the slightest to contact me, and I'll do all I can.

I love you Destructoid. You truly are better people here.

Also, cocks.
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I'll be traveling across 6 of those regions.

So here's the deal: after the Dtoid Midwest NARP this year I'm going to peace the fuck out of Ohio, and head to Portland, Oregon. I'll be leaving Toledo, Ohio on Wednesday, June 27th. I'm hoping to meet some Dtoiders along the way, and also throwing myself at your feet to beg for a place to stay. I'm trying to avoid paying for hotels, and am staying with friends along the way. I could really use a place to crash between Dubuque, Iowa and Colorado Springs, Colorado, another between Colorado Springs and Phoenix, Arizona, and maybe a place between San Francisco and Portland. Here is my current route, with each marker being a place I'm planning to stop. I can't offer much in return except for a great deal of gratitude, good conversation, and whatever fun should happen while I'm around. If your interested in putting me up for a night, or even just meeting for food and a brofist along the way, hit up the forum thread and let me know. Or, if forums aren't your thing because you hate better people, leave a comment below, or email me at jonbloodspray AT gmail DOT com.

If you can help, I appreciate it immensely. If not, thanks for taking the time to read this anyway.


Be good people, hope to see you soon.
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I know I'm a bit behind the initial rush, but I figured it's never too late for another 10 Things blog. Some people had things similar to stuff I was planning on including, so I tried to stay away from that. Here's 10 things about me that might be interesting.


10. I am a U.S. Merchant Marine.

At least for another month. I had a job a few years back on a cruise line, and the vessel was U.S. Flagged, meaning it never left U.S. Waters. Because of that, we had to adhere to Coast Guard rules, meaning all employees had to be certified as Merchant Marines.

9. I was at sea during Hurricane Flossie.

I was working on a ship for the above mentioned cruise line, and Flossie was on course to crush our port. We had to go out to sea and try to get around the worst of it, which we managed, even though the storm turned away from the islands and back out to sea towards us. However, the ship still rocked rather violently. I took a break on the mooring deck, and the 20ft waves were washing over my feet as I smoked cigarettes in the storm.

8. I was once a police officer.

When I was about 22, I realized that all my friends were about to graduate college and that I had done nothing as far as career building. I was also dating a girl that was probably the closest I've ever come to being engaged, and thought I should do something that would be solid for my financial future. We broke up (lololol Bloodspray in a committed relationship) but I made it through the academy, and for just over a year I was a police officer in my hometown.

7. I grew up in a very small town.

Small enough that technically it is a village. It's population has hovered between 1400 and 1500 since the 1950's. I graduated with about 80 people, and my entire school, 7th through 12th grades had just over 600 people. Oh yeah, the town was so small that the school system had to combine with the next small town over just to maintain a school.

6. I can probably drink more than any other Dtoider.

That's not a thing I'm bragging about, or that I'm proud of. It's just a thing. I probably qualify as an alcoholic by some definition. That's really about all I have to say about that.

5. I've sang both the American and Canadian National anthems at a sporting event.

It was at a bout for the Glass City Rollers, the local roller derby team. I can sing pretty well, and doing the national anthem at an event like that was on my bucket list for a long time. I was in the program for the evening and everything.

4. I saw one of my friends hand's explode, and I think some of it hit my face.

I could about write a book on this, but I'll keep it short. Port-o-potty. CO2 cartridge filled with black powder. Short fuse. Loud noise. Hand peeled like a banana. Later they told me if the door of the shit shack hadn't been between me and the explosion a chunk of shrapnel would have gone through my stomach.

3. A bum and I locked eyes while he was masturbating.

I used to date a bartender, and I would play some nights at her bar. On the nights I did I would stay to help her close and lock the place up. One night after locking up at the front door, and was giving her a good night kiss, and happen to look over her shoulder. There, laying on a bench, is a bum looking back at us, hand down his pants, going to town. I made eye contact and kind of froze in a weird state of WTF, and my girlfriend noticed and turned to see what I was looking at. He stopped schlackin' his glacknoid just for a moment, and looked away. About two seconds later he went right back to business. We went home. Yeah.

2. I am diabetic.

I think I was 15 when I was diagnosed. My mother was a nurse and had suspected as much, as I was 5'11Ē and only weighed 120lbs, was constantly thirsty and had to piss all the time. There's not much else to tell about it. Truth is, it fucking sucks, but I deal with it the best I can.

1. I don't think I can die.

Let me start by saying that this isn't a delusional youth thing. I'm a month shy of 30. I've drank and smoked excessively, used drugs recreationally and at certain darker points in my life, to the point of habitual abuse. I've been in countless car accidents, including two which totaled my vehicles. One where I wrapped my station wagon around a telephone pole, sheering it in two, and one where I ran my Camaro through a stop sign, t-boning a pick-up truck. And that truck was hauling a boat. I walked away from those with a bruised kidney and scraped knees, respectively. I've fallen (or jumped) from heights well over 10 feet, including an ocean bluff and a waterfall. I narrowly escaped decapitation by an old style garage door, only to fall out and bruise my tail bone. I've already the shrapnel to the gut I avoided. There's a saying that a few family friends have: You can't kill an Elsea. It's almost like a really low level mutant healing ability. Hell, one time after a particularly raucous few months I went to the doctor only to be told my health had improved.

So there's 10 things you know about me now that you didn't before you read this. I hope you don't hate me for wasting your time.








Hello there! I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself (again) to avoid any future incidents of ďwho the fuck is...Ē and let you guys know what I'm all about.

I'm Conor, also Jon Bloodspray, and Mr. Andy Dixon recently brought me on to help him with the community. I'll be doing the regional group organizational stuff that Tactix used to do, helping keep the C-Blogs free from spammers and maybe front-paging choice blogs, and any other chores Andy puts on me.

Want to know a little about me? Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway. I've been reading Destructoid since 2006, signed up in 2007, and started getting active in 2009. Since then, I've met with the crew at PAX East '10 & '11, MAGFest 9 and X, and held few parties of my own as the regional head of Destructoid Midwest. My Dtoid home is the Forums, and if you've ever heard the BETTER PEOPLE phrase, well then, you're welcome.

One of the things I and many others have always loved about Destructoid is the community. Almost all of my friends are members of this site, and I love meeting new people every day. I consider it a privilege to finally have a position that will let me help aid and improve this great thing we have going. I'll be doing my best to learn and do whatever I can to help continue Destructoid's reputation of being the best damn gaming site on the internet. I hope I can meet any expectations you guys may have of the work I do, whatever it may be.

So if you ever want to ask me anything or just say hello, feel free to. I'll make up an answer that doesn't sound entirely unlike the truth, and most certainly say hello back.

Oh, and did I mention I'll be at PAX East this year? I'll be at PAX East this year.

If I'm sober, I'll look like this:

I am the one that is not Jonathan Holmes

And if I am drunk I will most likely look like this:

In a different suit, probably, but hopefully clothed.

I will more than likely be sporting a mohawk from the Ubisoft event booth thing, because my hair is getting long and because fuck it why not.

So if you see me there, say hi! I'd love to meet you, and offer you a piggy back ride. For science.





Also, cocks.

I'm coming for you, Ali D.

Because my forum family knows what a badge whore I am.
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Seriously, this is the last time I post this image.

Well it's about that time that people are getting prepared for MAGFest X! I'm preparing for some midwesterners to roll into my house, and we are heading out early in the morning.

So here's the tentative Destructoid schedule for this year's festivites, as approved by our Shark Overlord. The times listed are the starting times of those events, so plan on being around 10-20 minutes ahead of time if you plan on meeting up before hand.

Thurs:

1pm†Opening ceremony†

7pm Stage One concerts

Fri:

11:30 am HAWP Panel

7pm Stage One concerts

Sat:

†4:30pm Destructoid Live!†

7pm†Stage One concerts†


Sun:

3pm Closing ceremony

This is obviously just a list of suggestions as imposing any kind of schedule on MAGFest is somewhat against the spirit of the whole thing. However, if you're a Dtoider new to the MAGFest experience or just want a place to meet every day and see what's up these might help.

Also, the Google Group has been discussing a Suiterday, and possibly karaoke, so if either of those things interest you make sure you keep an ear to the ground for details. Of course, there will be plenty of room parties, so staying in isn't a bad option either.

For some more information here's an excellent thread from the OCRemix forums that has a wealth of information on parking, food, and the area in general. Check it out, it's super helpful.

Well, I need to finish packing.




See you all soon!
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