A thousand welcomes! Those of you who crave punctuality might identify that this entry of Commentoid is a little late. This was deliberate! This very date marks one year from the day I pulled Dale North's Comments of The Week blog out from the ashes, gave it rigorous CPR and let it fly like a magnificent bird from my sweaty, shivering palms.
Before I give a history lesson, let's have a category lesson:
Sweet chocolate cake! So how did it all start?
From The Captain Bus Comments Of The Week
Such youth and vigour!
After giving a shit for 2 months I cut the blog on my 10th edition
after my work overwhelmed me and boxed me in a nasty corner where I couldn't find time to do cool stuff.
Then, you would have thought, that would have been that.
And it would have been, if it weren't for a blog from Occams Electric Toothbrush on 28th July 2010, mrandydixon and GoldenGamerXero, and the long shot that began a legacy:
From Occams Thoughts on a Wednesday:
Thus, The Avengers...I mean, The Commentoid Crew, were born!
got up on you like it was no big deal on 30th July, and has gone from strength to strength with its motley crew of ne'er-do-well curators since. Long may it continue!
As it is a special edition, I will be hand-picking comments not just from this week, but from the whole of last year, no doubt poaching from the COTW and Commentoid archives like a sneaky chimp at a banana factory! Yes Sir E. Robert!
From See you around, Destructoid
Doubtless one of the most poignant and wonderful comments of the year. A lot of love went into that strawberry yes. I think we were also so pleased for Anthony that we did not see a gooseberry no.
From Mexican legislators try to ban Call of Juarez: The Cartel
I question the merits of censorship at the best of time, but outcry from the cover art alone is a step too far. I could incite controversy using just cover art from some of the most benign games on the market! Observe:
Oh, YOU DON'T KNOW JACK do you? This sick warped abomination
that laughingly insists on calling itself entertainment is a degrading first person snuff game! Haven't you heard?
Your bald quarry, hastily kidnapped and drugged from back alleys and motel rooms in the dead of night, are lined up against a wall in a damp, dimly lit abandoned warehouse, shivering with fright.
You can hear their pitiful cries for recognition, and their insistence on relevancy in society; the family they have raised, the friends they have encountered, or you can just shoot them in the head
or use them for your genital pleasure
(or both, why pick?). Their screams are your symphony! "Yum yum yum!" you gibber as you salivate, "More mournful tears and gristly gags of agony, please! Thank you!"
These lives are cosmologically trivial, mere puppets to your sordid whims. The truth is YOU DON'T KNOW JACK, NOR DO YOU EVER NEED TO! YOU CAN DISGUST ME BEYOND MEASURE! FILL YOUR FETID HUSK OF A SOUL! EAT UP! EAT UP! EAT UP YOU MORAL SAVAGES! INDULGE THAT EVIL! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE INSIDE OUT!
Hopefully, the family-friendly Wii has more wholesome fare:
A game in which you cook your own mother?
BAN THIS SICK FILTH
(PS for those of you who are unaware, You Don't Know Jack is a cheeky off-the-wall trivia game, and Cooking Mama is a perfectly harmless cookery simulator. After all, there is a maxim about covers and judgement, isn't there?)
From Breakdancers: No match for Project Natal
Giant PS3 Fanboys are among those that hated Project Natal. COMING UP:
The Move, and why motion control used to be "gay", but now is totally "awesome", because it's ok when Sony do it.
From Some Trophies missing after ApocalyPS3
Still, though, imagine how the babies would turn out... little Jim-S3s all running around... So beautiful.
From SPS3 Hacker Geohot Rap Attacks Sony Fudgepackers
To say the Geohot hacking scandal is causing a bit of a stir in the gaming community is kinda like saying that a grizzly bear is quite large and is pretty fond of fish.
From Realistic Street Fighter 4 Art is Creepy and Awesome
This comment is so astute, that it was like RichardBlaine reanimated Oscar Wilde and Winston Churchill, force fed them the last 20 years of the history of 3D videogames, and got them to co-write his comment.
From Confirmed: Japan sold out, 300,000 3DS sold in a day
I'm laying into Sony fanboys pretty hard this week, so thought I'd temper this with a comment from a Sony fan
, you know, someone who supports Sony but isn't psychopathic about it?
And now, time for a brief message from Destructoid Poet Laureate, Occams electric toothbrush
From Something About Sex: Why I'm not getting it, in game or out
From Podtoid 141: Dogsuit
I had heard that, but I thought it would look less sinister...or do I mean erotic?...no, I mean sinister.
(and a bit erotic...)
From Legend of Zelda celebrates 25th anniversary
I would presume the only Zelda Jayson would have heard of is the aunt from Sabrina The Teenage Witch
From Bethesda wants you to name your baby Dovahkiin
FUN FACT: My last name is "Daisy".
You can imagine the irresistible urge to name my daughter "Princess".
From You can never have enough 3D Dot Game Heroes screens
BluDesign plans on severely compromising the reseller value of his copy of 3DDGH. Still, I bet there are buyers out there.
From Mario Galaxy 2 box art features Mario buggering Yoshi
So, "prick with a fork" would mean something very different to a reptile, then?
From Heavy Rain is now a text adventure!
> Go WEST
Life is peaceful there. In the open air. Where the skies are blue. This is what we're gonna do.
From Nintendogs blamed for vicious dog attack
From the article...
Megan Walker turned on her DS to play Nintendogs, and when the virtual dog barked, her friend's bull-mastiff responded to the sound by attacking her.
That's a bit like the time I played Portal, and my dog didn't get any cake.
From Today's Forza 3 DLC: The 'Road & Track Car Pack'
"Oh Tarquin, you really ought to try the grass. I have had it imported especially from the lawn at Wimbledon. Divine. Simply divine!"
From Swagtacular: Unboxing Killzone 3 Helghast Edition
I felt compelled to point this out: Jim gets flack, but he's often controversial, so a certain amount of this is expected. There are, however, a large swathe of comments from folk such as the above where you really don't know
whether they're trying to insult him, or come on to him. The commentary is so explicit and sexual that they've clearly given Jim's genitals unnaturally prolonged consideration, and a lot of comments just come off as more lustful rather than derogatory.
So yeah, basically, this guy is horny for Jim.
From Forza 3 VIP content to benefit Haiti relief efforts
Yeah, I'm sure that once the Haitian survivors got over the loss of life and devastation, they probably had a big party.
Oh wait, that would only work if all Haitians were nihilistic dickbags which, I'm going to assume, they're not. Gotta love humanity!
From Scary amount of Kill Obama levels in Little Big Planet 2
Please, schools, I will choose how to wash my kids, and what parts get washed. Thank you!
From What? No plans for a Tales of Vesperia PS3 US release?
Sounds like someone got up on the wrong side of their race car bed.
From Three more fighters announced for EA MMA
Strong opinions? Check.
Aggresive disregard for punctuation and grammar? Check.
Casual homophobia? Check.
Welcome to "wut". You'll like it here.
HUGE thanks to everyone who has supported Commentoid and Comments of the Week over the past year. We wouldn't keep doing it if you weren't still here. A massive thanks also to GoldenGamerXero, Knutaf, LawOfThermalDynamics and Handy for their continued vigilance, and garethxxgod, Monodi and VGFreak1225 for the assistance they have provided over the year. As usual please IM our Commentoid group or the officiator personally if you have any choices for the next Commentoid.
I love you guys.