As I walk the streets, waving at passers-by and bronzing my taut, defined chin in the shimmering midday sun, I am regularly approached by fans of Comments of the Week, kicking me in the shins and leering at me with taunts of;
"Hey, CaptainBus, thinking you're so good! You haven't even told us how you even make
one of your so-called hilarious Comments of the Week articles. What are you going to do about it, you in-bred dumpbin jerkoff assbutt cumbubble?"
to which, after a moment of quiet introspection, I typically reply with;
"I have attempted to sexually gratify myself with photos of all of your loved ones, and found their features so distasteful that, even at my most dizzying peaks of arousal, I have refused to continue jackhammering my love baton, and have instead turned to crosswords and gin."
Today, however, I shall make an exception. Behold!
Please peruse and ponder my précis of the process, posed in picture and prose, point-per-point:
and now, I hope that my canapé has left one salivating for the main course:
From Super Soviet Missile Mastar coming to iDevices for free
Well, you don't get more phallic than a missile, do you?
Except an erect penis, of course...don't rule out an erect penis.
From Here's what you'll need to handle Bulletstorm on PC
Acting like a spoiled asshole by blaming your father for not having a top-spec gaming rig? You'll be wanting the IGN forums.
From The Game Developer Choice Award finalists are in
I wish to nominate Occams as Destructoid's poet laureate.
From Want a Push Panic code? Get one then!
Have you noticed that more love comes Jim's way when he's offering up competition goodies than, say, when he decides to take a controversial stance on a game or topic? Yeah, I noticed that too.
From Club Nintendo's Kirby patches aren't quite right
@Masterballs good comment.
@Jordan please don't take my job. I have a family to feed.
From Mortal Kombat web series in the works
From Starcraft II patch 1.2 introduces the Master League
..until he releases his Zerg Rush.
From First Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance trailer
Well, to put it simply, Sora = Roxas = Evil Sora = NegaSora = Lightning = Jim Carrey, and Aladdin is doing The Little Mermaid behind Princess Jasmine's back. The monkey likes to watch.
From Final Fantasy Versus XIII treats my body right
Just pick between Final Fantasy Versus XIII and Final Fantasy XIII-2, Andy. It's not so hard!
Oh, and remember to choose from either the XBox 360 or PS3 versions, as one may be borked, or one may have better features than the other, or may have been produced better, or you may prefer the controller or online service.
Oh, and don't forget to choose from the Standard, Special, Legacy, Championship, and Deep Fried Editions.
Oh, and don't forget that, depending on the retailer, a preorder could mean you get an in game or real beanie hat with "XIII" written on.
Oh, and don't forget that you could wait and get it Preowned, but this could affect the DLC, you could have to pay for it, or it may make no difference!
Oh, and don't forget the pack editions that come out 6 months later: The GOTY pack (all the DLC, plus shiny cards and a Lightning's Favourite Recipes book), or the FF XIII + Vs + 2 Triple Pack, or the inevitable FF I - XIII-2 Go Buy A Truck To Carry It All In Pack!
Happy 2011 gaming.
From Behind the scenes of Dragon Age II
Man, don't forget the leatherette case containing the soundtrack to the trailers and exclusive artwork from the trailers, plus the graphic novel "Premonitions of the Trailer Odyssey", which shows never-before seen insight on the path to the trailers!
I mean, I'll only ever use those added items once, if at all, but they're in a sweet leatherette case
From New Tomb Raider screen shots have Lara getting banged up
I'm going to pre-emptively drop my pants before doing this, just to get a head start.
*enters the Konami code on every single image*
*spins around three times*
Ok, now my legs got cold for nothing. Thanks Jon B. Thanks a lot.
From Seriously: Missile Command movie moving forward
Man, those missiles better be in 3D. They'd be all WHOOSH and I'd be all WOAH MISSILES and it'd be wicked cool.
From Crysis 2's 3D is on the same level as Avatar
Levels of 3D to be measured in future with a Cameronometer confirmed.
From Killzone 3 goes gold, ready for February 22
Remember, your mom has been shipped in limited numbers, so be sure to pre-order early to avoid disappointment.
From Microsoft ran out of XBox 360s this holiday season
If I have llama nightmares I'm hunting you down Len.
Hunting. You. Down.
From The Dreamcast Collection coming to XBox 360 and PC
I read this, and in my head I heard George Costanza.
"DR ROCKSO IS GETTING UPSET!"
From Study links games to mental health problems in children
That all seems ridiculous, but it does remind me of the time I went to Turtle Corner at Sea World, sporting a moustache and overalls, with my pockets stuffed with shiitake mushrooms.
My attempt to elude the guards with a double jump resulted in splintered shins.
From 'Majority' of 3DS players suffering side effects
From Capcom copies 'Splosion Man with MaXplosion
This extra special "Wut?" goes out to Capcom. Shame on you guys for pretty much copying Twisted Pixel's homework.
From Microsoft ran out of XBox 360s this holiday season
Remember kids; don't do what Davydock did.
What did Davydock do? He drank paint kids. Don't drink paint.
That's your lot for this week. Don't forget to message Commentoid if you have any nominees for top comments that week, and look out for next week's Commentoid. Until then, be good, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.