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I am sexy Garfield.

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I've been playing The Basement Collection by Edmund McMillen and it inspired me to blog about some of the my favorite memories I've captured in my own basement. 

Here they are!

Nyan Cat! Look at my hair!

I still wish I had completed this song. I get chills around 0:40.

The lyrics to this song are kinda gross and weird, but look how FAT I used to be! :D

This is just a really trippy 8-bit effect I made in Reason. Neat.

You can see how this is in the middle of my transformation from fat to not so fat. 

Advertisement for the Global Game Jam at UVic GameDev

Wait a minute! This should'nt be here! Don't watch this!

OMG you guys weight loss is SEXY!

METAL! This would never have even come close to this state without help from Lee Gauthier.

I don the coach hat in this video.

Still my favorite riff to play on the bass!

I finally figure out what to call these little jams. I love the CRUNCH.

Mmm. This effect really vibes with me.

Noisy and bad. It's here for posterity. Don't listen to it. :P

Dragon Ball Z metal!

And here it is: The best for last. THE most essential Colton Phillips Basement Collection experience! Look at these drums!

Hope you enjoyed your time here on this Earth. Check out my Youtube for some more killer video times. 


I've just solved FEZ, and I need to write about it. This might get a little lofty, but I'm going to talk it out. I'll make reference to a video game I've created, which you can try here:

The game

I've just solved FEZ. I'm truly appreciative of Phil Fish's work. I could recommend anyone out there to play this game exactly one time. If you have no interest in me, take that piece of wisdom with you. It is worth the effort, to be sure. You could play it more than once, but I don't think you need to. When you play the game, really try to "stop and smell the flowers" as Phil has put it.


I started this game set out to prove something. I was coming out of a real bad place, that's none of your beeswax. I needed to prove to myself that I was genuine. Someone with a true fondness for this medium. I felt I had lost the will. Despondent, but persistent, I wouldn't let FEZ beat me, as so many other things had. I would BEAT FEZ. And I have.

I have beat FEZ. Complete. Checkmark. Donezo. Now, I reflect. Is that what I wanted to get? To complete it? The sad truth is - Yes. Even in my quest to prove my genuine gamer nature, I have failed to do so. I've only proved my stubborn despondent nature. My nature to glove my life from my friends and family, and to band-aid my problems. It feels good, but tomorrow I will wake up the same, only different. I have beat FEZ, but I feel like I have barely PLAYED it at all. With 32 out of 64 cubes, I've literally achieved 50% of the game. Truly, a perfunctory performance on my part, and I have no desire to achieve mastery. None whatsoever. I look at my gaming area, and I see my shameful workstation - A chair representing my true nature - My Art: Slumped back and in, you can see it's never been used by a man "on the edge of his seat". The chair is a 3D projection of a comfortable and unmoving man. A fat man.

A man who has worked hard, yet he has not worked a day in his life. Why? Because he has not lived a day in his life. His life has always been tomorrow. It's never "stop and smell the flowers". I'll stop and smell the flowers tomorrow. And I never do. I just smoke pot and draw pictures and waste time. I don't make FEZ's. I just make trivial hokey shit. Useless shit. Shit that nobody asked for and nobody wants. I wanted FEZ. But I didn't get it. I just beat it. And I have no one to blame but myself.

Where did I find my enjoyment from FEZ? Within the confines of my disgusting reality: my fondest memories are that of putting the controller down. In other words - Not working for my reward. My favorite moment is the end cutscene. Now, if you've played the game you KNOW that cutscene is STUNNING, but my introspection here holds true across most of my gaming experiences. I play adventure games where you actually do NOTHING for huge portions of time. Watching Game Grumps is EVEN EASIER. I had no interest in proving myself against the various challenging brain puzzles in the game. I'd even used Google to help wrap it all up as quickly as possible in the last hour of my experience. This is my fault, not Fish's.

I beat FEZ. But I didn't LEARN anything. Years from now, you'll mention something from the game, and I'll have long forgotten.

You might think, "Jesus, Colton. You're pretty hard on yourself." I need to be hard. I've been soft for much too long. In weeks and months, I'll learn to be hard in all of the right places. Right now I just need to practice being hard.

If you haven't played my game up there, play it now.

A few weeks ago I reached another critically low point in my life. I was sick of my lack of courage. My lack of energy. My lack of everything. Even now, you can certainly feel myself leaking, in these words. Regression, not transformation.

So I left the house alone. I walked to the Art of College (practically the shortest walk possible, while still hiding from the world) and I stood on a ledge and thought about killing myself. It would be impossible to do it, from such a small drop. But I thought about it. When I was on the ledge my perspective led me to believe that I was in true danger. A second perspective however let me see how foolish I was. It would be difficult to even roll my ankle from such a small height.

It was all in my head. I cried as hard as I've ever cried.


That story I just told you? It's essentially a lie.

There are more pieces to it that are missing. I was listening to my iPod. And attempting to use my phone. And the secret is I can't say for sure why I cried. It's like there was so much in the pot of soup that I can't tell you WHY it tastes the way it does. The only truth is my tears. In other words, I gained nothing from that moment. No lasting change, no epiphany, just a big useless cry. I feel the same way with FEZ. I LOVED that ending, but I've earned nothing from playing it. I'm no better at art or sound or gaming or puzzles or anything. I'm just the same, only different.

This is why I made FEZ 2: Better Than Zippy Push Kid:

Phil Fish quits games. Sick of asshole punks. Assholes who complain. Complain about everything that they can't do. Or can't control. Assholes who hide. Phil thinks he's an asshole, but he sure as hell won't hide from it. He'll tell you to your face.

I'm sick too. Sick of me. Sick of you. Sick of everything. Sick of things I can't change, things I can change but don't. Sick of things I try to do but fail. Sick of things I don't even try. Sick of things I succeed in doing but I just don't care. I'm just plain sick, I can't say why and I can't fix it. Maybe I don't even try to. I got a bit pot of problems and I don't know what's in it.

So I just start making it. Making the game. I take all these weird drawings I've made that have turned me into a joke - Some weird guy who draws trippy shit. Nobody knows who I really am, because it's so deep inside my own head. Deep inside of some big fat entity that keeps his mouth shut, but tries to pull off a brilliant pithy Silent Bob moment whenever he can. Keeps his mouth shut? Sure. But I'll lop off any little piece of me in the name of "art". It's like a glove. It's like "This is my art so it becomes real". I find 1000 false patterns when everyone else is doing real and important work.

And I'm sick. I'm sick of you saying what is and isn't. Sick of GAMERS. Sick of these people who have such fondness for something they can't even REMOTELY achieve. Sick of the comments. Sick of the people who look at the tree and say “this tree should have looked like this”.

It's SO lazy, when it could be so much better. Anyone and their kid can make a game these days. Millions of zilches complain about what they're being FED when they don't realize that they can COOK. Don't be afraid of your shitty cooking either, because nobody is going to eat it until it's REALLY GOOD. Get out there, and make a fucking game. I don't care what your excuses are. If you LOVE music, you should know WHY you love music. If you LOVE games, you should know WHY you love games.

The biggest first step towards the WHY is the HOW.

Here's a criticism I received for FEZ 2: Better Than Zippy Push Kid. It's from a fellow developer, and the reason it resonates so strongly with me is because he so CLOSELY describes the actual programming system that the game IS. When he tastes the game, he knows the INGREDIENTS (Including my own mind). It helps him really SAVOR what he was given.

From a design standpoint he nailed it. At first its kinda WTFy but the change in the images drives the player to move deeper in. They naturally go down and right because that's what we're trained to do. At first they're creeped out by the images and they try to get away from them, escaping into the void. But it turns out space is really abusive and after it really starts to accumulate, the player is drawn back into the drawings and the thoughts of Colton's mind. What was at first alien is now comforting, although the the magnification and altered angles also make it unfamiliar, like it has been irrevocably changed by the trip out. The player is looking for safety so they go the opposite direction from the word glob until they hit the upper left corner, where the game ends. Then the score is arbitrary and negative, like you failed at being you, but for no apparent reason. It's powerful stuff. I was really impressed. 

Here is another review, by a man completely 100% removed from my life, a total random on the Internet.

Can't believe that I spent 5 mins on watching this...and How could you make it a 171MB stuff? It seems a 171KB thing to me. What is all those none sense paper shaking about? How come u call this a Game? The only thing u could interact is the number changed randomly when your mouse clicked isn't it? Maybe u r incredible in some different ways that I could never understand. Good luck. 


Because the truth is that these god damn games are not that special at all. Nor is my art. It's just good clean fun, and we can all get involved in it. Even when you look into the past - these masters like Salvador Dali or Picasso, when you REALLY look, what you see is some incredible normalcy to them. They are really just folk like you or me. But they GAVE A SHIT. They gave the biggest most profound shit. YOU can do this.

Phil Fish, Team Meat, and all your heroes are PEOPLE, and NOT GODS!

So that's what FEZ 2 is. It's just me giving a shit. I legitimately love my game. I love to play it, and just watch it. To zoom in and see what I have made. I move in and I make a little story for myself and I think “What have you become, Mr. Phillips?”

You might play it and think to yourself,

“What is this loser thinking? This isn't a game? Okay maybe it's a game but it's BARELY a game. It's certainly not fun. Did you even spend any time on this at all really? (It took 2 days) It's not worth my time. Hell, It took FOREVER to load, just because you're so IN LOVE with your weird half finished art drawings doesn't mean you need to share them. This isn't a complete game. This is just a masturbatory perfunctory effort. Why aren't you spending your time making something you can REALLY be proud of like Phil Fish did? Hmm? You called it FEZ 2? What are you even getting at? This is a joke.”

It matters not to me if FEZ 2: Better Than Zippy Push Kid is worth YOUR time, because it was worth MY time. Maybe I'm not the gamer that I wanted to be, or the person that I wanted to be. Maybe I'm not the person YOU wanted me to be. And maybe I didn't PLAY FEZ, but I sure as FUCK played FEZ 2: Better Than Zippy Push Kid. I chopped it, mixed it, stirred, and BAKED it. I PLAYED THE SHIT OUT OF FEZ 2 and then I added a pinch of salt and walked away from it, stared at it deeply, with my eyes closed just a leeeeeeeetle bit and said,

“Voila! It's complete. My MASTERPIECE!”

There's nothing you can do or say that will make me want to stop cooking, and if you identify yourself as a gamer, than you should feel a deep sense of remorse for what has happened in the mind of Phil.

The album Colton Phillips captures a piece of my life's work as an auditory projection of the moments of play my friends and I have engaged in. The album is meant to satiate funders of the Colton Phillips' Humble Indie Fund and provide a listening experience that Ryan Petty, Jeremy Mohr, Nicole Krenn, Lee Gauthier, or even that Darin fellow could get behind.


9:19 AM on 04.03.2013

A few days ago I was boiling some tea. I lifted my arms high into the air to do a stretch and I became incredibly light-headed. I gently fell to the ground.

In this moment I glanced up on the wall, at a photograph of my father. The frame was shattered, right through his eye. Beside it was a painting of my father that I had made for an Indie Go Go campaign, but was never mailed to the recipient.

I contemplated my own mortality and as a defence mechanism, I accepted my mortality. My body rushed with endorphins, I guess. If you are one who is subject to panic attacks, I hope that you can will yourself in a similar direction that I took. It was very calming.

This is the second time this has happened to me.

2:22 AM on 02.19.2013

To celebrate filling my second design book, I'll post some of my favorite things from it.

Martyr Marta

Martyr Marta misses kisses.
Caught in the cold and
distant wishes.

Thinks about the blunderbuss.
"One of us. One of us.
You can be just like us."

Stand Up

The outstanding stand-in standup comedian sat down.


Syncopated synchronicity
sends shivers down my
side like creeping fingers find their prize
and sloshing soldiers find their stride.

Crispy Crackers

Crispy crackers crumble
snatching comfort creatures
coldly, costing fractured fingers
only, earthing open faced flowers.


Spam, spam, thank you mam.
Yes you can. Yes you can.
Old in hand, but young at art,
You take the stage and share your heart.
But what it is that makes you move,
Is seldom heard, and often crude.

I sort of jumped head first into the Destructoid community at PAX prime - and it was awesome! I thought I'd share some things about myself that you probably don't know. Yeah, it's cheesy and overdone, but fuck it. We're doing it. Let's go. :3

0. I've been making games for a really long time.

My first games were pen and paper, card games, and modifications on existing board games. I started programming in High School. I found it really fun to play with code. I started making text adventure games and other simulation software (Snowman Generator 2000) in Quick Basic. I've produced nearly a dozen or so Indie prototypes in a handful of languages and frameworks. I've helped ship 2 commercial games for the LeapPad device: Roly Poly Picnic 2, and Splurgle. I'm currently wrapping up a 4 year degree in Software Engineering at the University of Victoria.

1. I'm a hillbilly.

Although it's not really a self-applied label - I was raised on a farm in small town Meadow Lake, Saskatchewan. I had pigs and goats and all that shit. I spent a huge chunk of my childhood exploring the forests and and hidden areas around my house by myself. That time has shaped my personality to an uber-quiet introverted type of guy (to strangers anyway). We were pretty god damn poor for a while there. Our relatives called us "The Clampets". I had dial-up Internet until I was 18.

2. I've gained and lost hundreds of pounds. I invented a fitness game I call FitQuest.

I was (and still am) a pretty fat guy. By which I mean - fat on the inside. Even when I was mad skinny I still struggled with my desires. I've spent a lot of my life wickedly depressed. I won't start a pity-party over here, but let's just say that I'm a bit imbalanced on all fronts and I'm working hard to fix my problems, but I can't completely change overnight. I accept and appreciate criticism on everything that I do - but I am a pretty sensitive boy so just be careful.

FitQuest is a simple game that has a focus on strategy, and helps enable players to choose to do the right things for the right reasons. I wanted to take everything that I'd learned from my personal experiences and boil them into a really tight simple package. I feel that FitQuest is my most solidly designed game. I have no plans to code it any time soon, but I play it every day on little pieces of paper. The game is hugely inspired by Jane McGonigal's work. I'll blog more about the game some time in the future.

3. I love Double Fine.

When I was just a 'lil guy I was often babysat by my neighbors kids while my parents did parenty things. I was first introduced to Day of the Tentacle at their house. All my prior gaming experience was old school DOS games with incredibly simple aesthetics. This game blew me away. It truly felt like you were a part of this crazy cartoon world where anything could happen. I still play it from time to time. Later in my life I learned more about Tim. I started following his company. After I finished Psychonauts I made a serious decision: I moved to Victoria to learn how to program games.

When I tell people that I want to move to San Francisco and program games for Double Fine they bring up Tim's name. There are so many awesome people working at that company that it's a bit of a shame. Tim has done something truly magical - I honestly feel like the Double Fine model needs to be the new standard for game development studios. I don't want to get too deep into the area of system design but I'll just say this - It makes sense.

Meeting Anna Kipnis, Tim, Ron, and a bunch of other DF staff at the Hard Rock Cafe PAX DF meetup was AMAZING. Please continue to support this amazing crew. I have a year left of school, and a butt-load of stuff I still need to learn. They'll get a copy of my resume real soon.

4. I love metal.

I've been playing guitar for 10+ years, but I also play bass, bongos, scream, sing, and any other left handed instruments I can get my hands on. My emphasis is on metal. The cacophony comforts me. It helps me sleep. It relieves my headaches. It calls to me :3

I write music when I can, but good metal is a bit tricky to compose while you're busy with school.

Storm The Gates - This song took a long time to compose. It's still not finished really - The female vocals are my own, but pitch shifted to a feminine range.

I really like screaming, but I don't really do it properly yet. It's nice when I can use metal to advertise a game jam. :P

I do 5 Minute Metal Jams on my Youtube page. The idea is to produce and record a metal song in a really short time frame. Some times I make really silly music like this...

5. Jack of all trades. Master of none.

I'm not just a programmer. I can do a butt-load of stuff. At this point I've pretty much touched every single area of the game development spectrum. For a while, I wanted to go "full indie". When you're Indie, the more skills you have the better. Unfortunately I just don't have the strength to go at it alone. I've spread myself too thin.

I've since restructured my goals. I want to be an expert gameplay programmer with a keen sense of game design. An ideal gameplay programmer isn't really an expert programmer. If you have a brilliant programmer than you want to give them a systems job. I'm way to chincy to be that kind of brilliant.

In short: I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier.

6. I don't really have fun playing games.

I'm way too analytical to enjoy almost any experience. I rarely play games to completion. I play them long enough to understand the mechanics, learn from them, and move on. I'm honestly a pretty pathetic gamer. I cannot game for extended sessions.

I recently visited Universal Studios Florida for a holiday with the folks. I spent most of my time analyzing the ins and outs of the park. You will never see me with my hands up in the air screaming on a roller coaster. You're more likely to see me taking notes.

The exception to the rule is when I play games for other peoples enjoyment. ;) And sex. I refuse to spoil sex.

7. I've got a little buddy named Lee.

Pretty much anything that I've ever posted to the Internet that sounds really nice has been thanks to Lee Gauthier. We are creative partners - We got eachother's back. We are currently sharing a house built on our dreams and aspirations. I can't thank him enough for helping me get to where I am today. I'm going to cry salty man tears the day our paths diverge. His band Willows practices in our garage twice a week. I feel like Led Zeppelin is practicing in my garage - they sound incredible. If you're at all interested in programming, sound design, or digital signal processing give him a follow on Twitter you won't regret it.

8. I'm adorable.

9. I'm a chincy bastard.

I've spent way more time manufacturing game development than making games. I've spent a luxurious amount of time indulging in social media.

When I moved to Victoria I was really disappointed that the University didn't have a GameDev club, so I helped form one. I spent a good year or so as club President acting a role I really don't fit: Coach. I've also coined myself as a Producer.

I'm neither of those things.

I just don't have the enthusiasm to be a coach. I'm not a rabble rouser. I love games. I love making games. I just am not capable of spreading that excitement. I'm too imbalanced. I need to (finally) begin focusing on myself. I have done a lot for the club, so I don't feel guilty. But I will miss them all when I'm gone, and I'll certainly miss wearing the coach hat.

Oh yeah. I'm growing my hair out again. Metal man, fuck yeah.


Hey! I love meeting new gamers. You guys are my fuel and I live to entertain you. Add me on Steam and we'll play some games! :3