That's right. Me.
I'm about as Neutral as you can get in regards to your belief in God.
I was told the other day that I'm going to burn in a lake of fire, punished for all eternity. More or less. Let me explain.
My TV is so Hi-Def, it's even Hi-Def in paint!
So it's Friday afternoon, and I'm just sitting there minding my own business playing Xbox with my bass player before band practice that evening, when I get a knock on my door!
I'm not being onomatopoetic, it sounded like the word "KNOCK".
It's around 2PM, so this isn't too strange. I figure it's the mail man.
Oh how horribly wrong I was.
I open the door to find myself staring at three very happy people. People who are WAY too happy to be knocking on my door at 2PM. That's when I noticed what they were holding.
FUCK. Also, the girl on the right side was a little bet less jolly than the other two.
NOTE: I don't remember their names, so the girl in the middle is Roxanne, the girl on the right is Sarah, and the dude is Jeff.
Today was my lucky day! I was going to be saved! The kindly people on my porch politely asked if I could spare a minute to talk about The Lord. I stammered out the words "Uh, sure." before my brain could catch up to my mouth to tell it to shut the fuck up!
I was informed that they were from a Church in the neighboring area, trying to spread the message to the surrounding neighborhoods. AN OPPORTUNITY! I very quickly told them that I don't live here.
"This is my parent's house, I live downtown. They're not home, and I'm just visiting for a few days."
Yes...I am standing on my porch lying to preachers.
This was only a partial lie...this is my parents house, and I used to live downtown (my ID still says I do)...but I am most definitely living here.
- "Oh, well we ... Sarah, I think you have? Yes...yes, you see Sarah works at the church downtown and I believe she has...yes...she has a paper here..."
I politely take the papers, at which point Roxanne decides it's time to get serious.
- "What's your name?"
- - -Brain
- LIE! LIE LIE LIE FUCK!! You told them your name....
- "Well John, when you die, your soul goes to Heaven if you believe in Jesus and....."
(I kinda zoned out)
- "OK, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"
I shake my head no, like an idiot.
- "Do you think that when you die, you'll go to Heaven?"
- - -Brain
- Maybe...LIE AGAIN! YES!
Brain and Mouth bro-fist.
- "Have you ever stolen?
This is not a lie.
- "Really? Not even when you were a little kid?"
I'm pretty fucking proud of myself at this moment. What else you got? Ever kill a man? Nope. Are you secretly the Anti-Christ? NOPE!
- "Have you ever had lustful thoughts about a woman?"
- "Uh, yeah."
Roxanne shakes her head. Not mocking or as if to say "no", but in a sad kind of way.
- "The bible says that having lustful thoughts about a woman is as bad as acting on them and..."
I zone out again
- "So according to the bible, you're an adulterer."
- "You're going to hell, and that's all there is to it. Are you happy? "
She didn't say that last part, but her fucking TONE sure as hell did.
Jeff finally speaks up. I'm thinking he's going to defend me or something, or tell me it's OK to lust! I can tell right away, Jeff is THERE for me. He's got my fucking back!
He hands me a small booklet.
MOTHER FUCKER. I knew I should have lied about my name. I would have said "Richard" or "Marty" or something. I bet you don't have a book that says "Marty's Prayers" you fuckers!
They tell me that my soul can be saved if I let them pray for me and I join them. Well, I'm already going to hell right? So what harm can letting them pray while I stare at my feet and think about what I've done do?
Jeff leads us in a little prayer while I stare at my feet. They hand me some more papers and finally leave.
I've learned my lesson. I'm going to change my ways!
Lust? NOT ME! I'm going to turn my life around...I'll be a better person! No more lazing around the house all day, I'm gonna go enjoy life! I'll...I'll ...oh yeah!