hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts


Clance's blog

7:45 AM on 08.12.2009

Clance's Review: Fat Princess

Well, fuck me! It's been wayyyy too long, Dtoid...

I've been very busy of late with writing for Gamer Limit and trying to make my band blow people's ear drums, but I've been here, lingering in the shadows and watching you all like an eagle in a long dark coat and big hat.

For those who don't know me: hello there! For those who do: Well, HELLLLLO!

So, here's a review I wrote for Fat Princess. It's a bit long, but give it time to settle into your mind like a good bottle of 1996 red. If you like it or hate it, leave me a comment :)

If you’ve ever dreamed of being a knight in shining amour, traversing dangerous lands and taking on huge, menacing armies in order to reach a damsel in distress trapped at the top of a dark tower, you probably didn’t imagine it like this.

Fat Princess takes the classic fairytale blueprint that countless stories are based around and throws in giant, cursed cake growing out of the ground, potions that turn characters into chickens, lots and lots of blood and… well, overweight princesses.

The premise of the title is born from classic team-based gaming – of which capture the flag and team deathmatch are prime examples – although the finished product is dressed up in an entirely cute way that blends the look of most Cartoon Network shows over the past ten years with the cel-shading technique of Prince Of Persia.

The stumpy character designs and colorful environments are terrifically well rendered, standing out as soon as you load the game up. An overdose of color and character certainly adds a humorous edge to proceedings, while somehow triggering memories of first loading up the likes of Mario 64 and Banjo-Kazooie; perhaps the trick lies in the way environments seem welcoming and attractive at first glance, branding an image on the brain that demands you return again and again to its realms, in which you can get easily become lost for hours (in a good way).

It is also worth pointing out that there is enough gore to attract even the most stubborn Killzone 2 fan among us; there’s nothing like seeing cartoon flesh and bones rolling around the floor after a suitably comic explosion or using a carefully aimed arrow to pick off a foe desperately scrambling along with a giant piece of cake in his or her arms.

She's had enough

While the meat of the game lies in its multiplayer option, it is very much worth the players while to play through the story mode before jumping online. And if, like me, you prefer going in prepared, have a flick through the tutorial booklet too. This manual uses simple instructions and pencil-drawn illustrations to teach you the basics before jumping in to battle.

Consisting of seven chapters, the single-player campaign tells the ridiculously charming story of two princesses who, while out having fun together in the Black Forest, stumble upon some giant cake. Unable to resist the delightful appearance of the dessert, the girls tuck in to its delicious sponge and icing. This is when things get eerie; the cake turns them instantly obese, while their respective families believe them to have fallen victim to some kind of Black Forest curse.

What follows is a selection of levels that introduce the player to the different gaming modes – Rescue the Princess, Snatch ‘n’ Go, Team Deathmatch and Invasion – while loosely relating each battle to the tale being told between missions. A voice not unlike Stephen Fry’s graciously speaks of desperate kidnappings and the impending arrival of a prince, although you never really feel like you are taking part in the story – more moving through each chapter to learn what happens next in the tale.

At the games heart lies a great sense of humor, with players asked to feed more and more cake to their corresponding princesses to make them larger, heavier and therefore more difficult to be carried away by the enemy. Naturally, the cake is scattered throughout the maps, which are usually full of the kind of chaotic action that can please and frustrate in equal measure. But it’s difficult to get mad at this game at all; though not impossible.

While the modes that Titan Studios has made available in Fat Princessare highly enjoyable to play, they are certainly lacking on the inventive side. Although it is harsh to criticise a game for using a template that other games of its ilk and even countless first-person shooters have previously utilised to great effect, one can’t help but feel that they played it a little safe. Perhaps they should have pushed further for the kind of outlandish gameplay that the look and feel of the title calls for, rather than leaving us with modes that need no explanation.

What the game does do brilliantly, however, is take these modes and add a selection of well-balanced classes to proceedings, each bringing their own skills and benefits to teams that can reach up to sixteen players – there are two teams in each round. These classes can be swapped throughout the game by pressing circle at one of the various generators at your team’s base. Characters will then don a hat that relates to the class and become specifically tuned with appropriate skills.

For example, the Mage wears a large pointy hat and can control fire and, when the class has been upgraded, ice. To upgrade these classes, Workers are expected to collect resources by chopping down trees (which grow back after a minute or two) or cutting into rock for diamonds using their axe. They then carry the goods to what they want to improve, usually needing a handful of trips to succeed. This class is for those who prefer to work toward the greater good during a game; the tasks that need doing that may not be as glamorous as choping heads off. Mind you, those axes can pack quite a punch if you get close enough.

Rangers wear a Robin Hood-esque cap and feather and carry a bow and arrow. Long-range attacks are slightly weaker than those from the viking helmet-clad warriors – who can destroy enemies in one fell swoop from close range using their sword – but the use of L1 to lock on makes Rangers far more accessible. When upgraded, these soldiers become marksmen with old-fashioned rifles, which cause enough damage to require others to choose the Priest class in order to help allies stay alive.

You will die a great deal during a game of Fat Princess, of this there is no doubt. However, the Priest – Titan’s version of a medic – can help improve the situation ten-fold by zapping life (represented by classic hearts) back into teammates. They also, like all other classes, have a special ability that can be triggered when holding down the square button. Priests can cause a blast of energy that effects those players within a certain radius. The use of the word “effects” is important here as an upgraded Priest – who looks like an evil Pope – can suck the life from opposing forces. A quick tap of triangle enables this wonderful ability switch to happen, as is the case with all other classes.

An emphasis on the use of teamwork to reach goals means that this game is best enjoyed when you play with people who care enough to go out of their way to win. Attempting to go it alone will almost always result in death, as facing more than one enemy at a time is a very difficult situation to overcome.

You’ll find that by moving in groups – you can call others by pressing “up” on the D-pad – you’ll capture strongholds much easier, as more people standing near them switches the color from red to blue or vice versa far more rapidly. These small structures scattered through levels can be used to charge up energy and are the basis for Invasion mode, which requires teams to attempt to dominate maps to drain enemy morale to zero and win. Also, by varying the classes within each group you may just find the best balance to break through the castle gates and actually have a chance of bringing home the princess, which can take a while. It basically makes for a more enjoyable experience.

At the time of writing, news has surfaced that a patch is currently being worked on to cure some of the problems players have had with connecting to games. This would obviously come as a relief as the issue has effected many people although, personally, I didn’t suffer quite as badly as others apparently have.

One thing that was noticeably wrong during play was some of the behavior of the bots. More often than not, during a game there will be one or two characters standing still for the duration of the match. At other times they will wander into molten lava and certain death, or merely gather in groups of two or three and stay still as though tied up. Again, these are problems that are sure to be patched as time goes by, it’s just a shame they have marred what has been an otherwise a stellar introduction to the game’s lifespan.

The different maps on offer are a credit to Titan’s attention to detail. Symmetry is the key for these arenas, with no one team benefiting from a different route to their goal or an awkward patch of water in an awkward place.

The look and feel changes from game to game, from shipwrecks on sandy beaches to cavenous canyons with narrow rope bridges. One of the standout sections is a Super Mario Bros.-style pipe that appears and dissappears according to the ebb and flow of the lava. Waiting for your moment to jump and be carried to a different section of the map is comically frustrating and somehow tense – you’re usually dropped into a mass of swords, arrows, fire and death.

fuckin' 'ell

Fat Princess boasts a soundtrack that isn’t much to write home about – traditional music of an era that resembles baroque plays on repeat, which is quirky and fun but not particularly memorable – until, that is, you run the credits and are treated to something that I’m not actually going to spoil for anybody who hasn’t played the game yet. Let’s just say, you’ll either love or hate it, but should love it.

Meanwhile, the voice work, as mentioned, resembles that as heard in LittleBigPlanet – except this is not Mr. Fry – and is particularly effective during battle when the polite rumblings of an English gentlemen warn of castle gates being breached, princesses being stolen and classes being upgraded. There is little variation, but it does a great job of keeping players informed and entertained.

If you’re looking for a team-based game that steps out from the first-person view, away from shadowy greys and browns and into a world of color and hilarious, sugar-coated gore, you should look no further than Fat Princess. Provided you are working within a strong team or, if all else fails, enjoy playing against thirty-one slightly deranged bots, you’ll be sure to laugh and revel in a well-executed kill like never before. It’s one of the best games to reach PSN – well worth its £11.99 price-tag – just don’t expect to be shown too much new, aside from team deathmatch in a glorious pink frock covered in crumbs.

8.5, 'cause I said so.   read

12:01 PM on 04.09.2009

Clance Internet Update, FNF return. Also, BBC announce Heavy Rain tomorrow and I'm Twitting

Welllll hellllllllllllo everybody! I've just added the man the myth Samit Sarkar on Twitter... I have no idea what baseball is but I'm already a HUGE Yankees fan. I've just joined, so if you fancy "following" me like a filthy stalker does a ripened arse, please go here and do so.

In other news BBC have announced that heavy Rain will be available in certain areas of London tomorrow. I know! Very exciting stuff right there, I can't wait!!!

Just in case anybody and everybody was wondering where the HELL I've been lately... well, truth be told, I've been spending lots and lots of time writing for Of course, I've been spending ridiculous amounts of time browsing the green, black and red goodness that is Dtoid, but my blogging has had to slow down because my best material has had to go into this exciting new site. If you haven't seen us before, by all means come and check it out. If not, more power to you, I honestly find it very difficult to drag myself away from here myself.

So, YES!
I finally have internet connectionz at my houses so will be playing with the gang on FNF tomorrow night. I hope it's Killzone 2, I'm rusty but I'll still blow the shit out of some poor bastard who is busy trying to reload his shotgun. Serves you right and you KNOW it does.

How is everybody!?

Also, Iraq? Are you sure Konami?

Happy Easter   read

8:38 AM on 03.20.2009

I moved house, but I'm out in the cold!

Good day to you my brothers and sisters of Destructoid. First off, a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the greatest community site on the internetz. That's right, Facebook just turned.... joking joking. I don't even have Facebook, probably the only person in the world, so I've decided that I will start telling everyone that I was the first guy kicked off the site and am now bezzie mates with Tom "look at me in my white t-shirt, I'm so fucking Weezer" Myspace.

I digress, oui oui. So, yes, I have just moved uptown. I was living in the right end of Tottenham, which is still very very very wrong in many many many ways. I am now residing in Kentish Town... That's in North London to all you ignoranuses out there, I love you all without question. It's a nice little place, in a carpeted (ooooh) apartment building that makes me feel like Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta are about to bust around the corner eating Big Macs.

* near my road, maybe 5 minutes walk. I past this in a van the other day. Jealous? Yes.

So, why that title about being "out in the cold"? I hear you ask the way little Oliver begged his master for sloppy seconds. I tell you why, chap: I haven't been able to play much of my PlayStation 3 (most powerful console on the market) over the past week. you know what, I played a couple of matches of Fifa 09, offline manager mode, you know how we do... But even that felt a little off as I have no internet connection at the mo.

Basically, I'm in ALPHA "we are the shiz" TEAM on KILLZONE 2, the most amazing looking game to NEVER hit a 360 this side of the world ending, but I haven't been able to join a match since last Friday. That's a whole week and I'm only on two fucking stripes so far. I ain't even got a star and mother Fs are all gonna be running around with sniper rifles picking off my arse like it was a can of Dr. Pepper on a corner shop shelf. Don't even start, that's not racist, even though I'll probably be done for using black lettering and talking about Samuel L. Jackson.

Help me help you. Once I get back in to the swing of things, I'll be running maps like it's everyone's birthday, but, right now, I'm gonna be sitting there... not now, I'm at work. Tonight! I'm gonna be sitting there tonight staring at Warhawk thinking: "What teh fuck is going on? I'm craving you so badly, for the first time in six months, and I can't even play you." Damn this cruel place, but I shall return, so don't forget me yet.

Everyone well?

Ps. Yesterday was my four-year anniversary with the misses. She's been very good to me! I love her!   read

12:21 PM on 03.02.2009

Friday Night Fighters: Killzone 2. A thank you.

I told the misses I wouldn't be seeing her that night

Firstly, I just want to say how much fun I am having with Killzone 2, both on and offline. Anybody who has problems with the controls and stuff (I'm looking at you Kojima, you sick bastard), I am sorry you are not having as much fun as me with it.

So, Friday night. Well, I was planning on having a dip into the online MP but figured I'd play through the campaign first and then get on to that. Eight hours later and that plan had gone well-and-truly out of the window. There I was, 5am and with a pounding headache, trying to take potshots at JackOfNoTrades from about 200 yards and lob grenades into Shipero's path. As time went on I failed more and more, but boy oh boy was it fun.

In my humble experience, Destructoid seems to attract some very cool people (much like me!) through its hallowed green gates. The private room that I was allowed entry to (cheers, Johan!) became like a second home to me in that short (but quite long, in terms of hours in the day) period of time.

With each passing game I felt as if I was getting to know Dtoid community members a little more, even if through a communication method known only as "shooting bullets into people's backs". Oh yeah, and me (at one proud point at around 2.30am) yelling "BOOM! Heeeead shot!"... I've been waiting for that moment for too long. I'm not sure who the victim was but Brainderailment was involved somewhere along the line and someone actually laughed. Yay!


At certain points I almost felt like a horrible bastard calling Takeshi a "crazy Dutch sharpshootin' son of a bitch". Almost. Because the guy knows that I think he's a gem of a man who seems to bend over backwards to get things moving along for this here community. That clan is a mean mofo BTW, dude! I'm proud to be a part of it!

So, yeah, I had some great times on Friday and I hope to have plenty more in the future. That game is just SO immersive and really does a good job of putting a smile on your face while making you feel like a mad killer at the same time. What else could I need???

Cheers dudes!

If you were there, please shed some light on your experience of it below... But, any mention of me being not very good will see me become a different kind of animal next time!   read

11:34 AM on 02.24.2009

My greatest goal is probably the greatest goal you've ever seen, CONFIRMED.

One of the things I love about EA is the way you can upload your goals on FIFA 09 as soon as you've put them into the back of the net. I haven't bothered to do this before. Yeah, I score cracking goals all the time but I always think I can do a little bit better.

Last night, around the midnight hour or later, I was having a battle with my flatmate. France Vs. Spain. The score was 0-0 and he was having some joy down my end of the field. Something had to give, so I broke away quickly, releasing four passes that ended with Fernando Torres on the far right and then... Well, what happened next caused me to yell loud enough to wake up even the heaviest sleeping neighbour.

Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is what happen when you mess with Clance...


Please note, the clip only contains the last part, which is a shame. But it was the best part.

One other thing. I'm doing writing for and have knocked up an article about how FIFA stole my heart away from PES. If it sounds like your bag, check it out here

Much love to y'all...   read

4:36 PM on 02.19.2009

Oi Oi!? Why... The... F***.... Didn't Anybody Tell Me About This Game?

OK, howdy, how are we all??? So the major news coming from the world of Playstation 3 and, more specifically, the PSN Store this week has been the release of Flower. But, to my utter dismay, the real BIG news of the week (at least here in Europe anyway) has been completely overlooked... It is, quite possibly, the greatest game OF ALL TIME!!!

WHAT a name for a game

That's right, my friends... Gather round and let me tell you this:

I downloaded the demo for this game (it's only just been released here, been out in the US of effin' A for a good two or three months) just because I was kind of bored. I had no idea what it was all about.

It's like football but you kick around the ball in rocket-powered cars!!!


I can't tell you how big and fun just that demo is. I've had hours of laughs and competitiveness with my flatmate on it over the last few days. Boy oh boy, some last ditch tackles made when you boost past your opponent and jump and do all kinds of craziness... Some great goals! Anger! Pain! Total joy!

I haven't bought it yet but I know that once I am drunk tomorow night, I'm gonna be all over it like peanut butter and jam. I mean, I love Flower but this? It should be illegal for being too much fun.   read

8:33 AM on 02.10.2009

10 Things Clance Will Allow You To Know About Clance

1) I’m from London. Highbury in North London, to be precise. I grew up on a council estate, leading to many cut knees, amazing water fights, 5 hour games of ‘Run-Outs’, ‘4 goals’ and a few embarrassing bicycle accidents that always seemed to happen in front of old ladies. Oh, and ‘Knock Down Ginger’ – re-named ‘Knock Down Ninja’ for my benefit.

2) Yes, I’m ginger. Not that big, bright orange that you get. No, I’m told I’m quite auburn but I don’t know much about that. It was difficult being a child with ginger hair. As I grow older I appreciate it more, realising that girls love it. All of them.

3) I’m a guitarist/singer (well, I “sing”), forming a band at the moment to make a bit more noise than the acoustic folky stuff I was doing for a while on my own. I want to be the British Josh Homme.

4) I’m trying to crack into the world of journalism; preferably games-related but I’m not overly fussed. I’m writing music stuff for a website ( at the moment. It’s voluntary, yes, but very nice when you get to hear new music, live or on record, and interview some exciting acts.

5) I love animals. I grew up owning old English sheepdogs (on a council estate! FTW!) and now, having flown the nest, own a couple of cats. I love my cats. They are allowed to sleep on my bed at night more often than they should be and quite often decide to bring presents in the form of pigeons, mice, worms and rats. Yummy! Saves me going to Tesco.

6) My girlfriend is an artist and I’ve learnt to love going to art galleries since we got together, nearly four years ago now. London is pretty blessed with some amazing galleries and fantastic art to fill them. I do feel lucky about that. It’s nice to have some culture in your life, which I was quite lacking before she came along!

7) I’m a massive Arsenal fan. My family own season tickets and I go whenever I get the chance, usually every month or two. I grew up about 5 minutes walk from the old stadium, with my primary school right next to it. I’m a football nut in general, often missing nights out just to stay in and watch Match Of The Day. I can also watch Sky Sports News all day on a Saturday.

Just above the Edwin Van der Sar's (goalkeeper) head you can see a patch of dark green. That's my jacket. I'm famous.

8) Oh, video games… Hmmm, yeah, well, I bloody well love them! I bought my PS3 in November 2007. Having felt quite left behind when the “next” generation came out (skint), I blew a shit load of cash on it and have never looked back. It has helped me become more passionate than ever about games. I never used to write about them like I do now but I grew up playing C64, Mega Drive and, of course, SNES. N64 was my first foray into video game independence (as opposed to using my older siblings’ ones). I took one look at Goldeneye at my friend’s house and knew I just had to have one for myself. I think my love for FPS games outweighs any other.

9) I love Converse. I’ve owned too many pairs in my lifetime. I am currently wearing a snazzy purple pair. Sexy.

10) My favourite footballer of all time wore the number 10 for Arsenal. His name is Dennis.

[embed]121198:17508[/embed]   read

8:58 AM on 02.06.2009

Confirmed: Killzone 2 = Glitchfest

ZOMFGGGG! Can you MF’ing believe the video below!?! Amazing footage…. This is proooooof that Killzone 2 is in no way superior to Halo 3! In fact, it means that this game is a pile o’ ssssssshit! How can this game be a 93% metacritic when you can jump into nothing?? Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa…. Sony is a JOKE!


Now, I don’t know why this person decided to try and play Mirror’s Edge on Killzone 2 and I don’t know why they posted it on Youtube. It could all be quite innocent to help out Guerilla and non-fanboy made but, either way, it is HUGE NEWS PEOPLE!!! Top of N4G!

I’ve been thinking about it and have decided that it just wreaks of two things:

1) People, like me, merely curious as to what this glitch is, hence helping this story the top spot.
2) Fanboys just so god damn eager to find fault with anything that they oppose. Clinging on to the hope that this game is terrible (or vicce-versa for the Sony breed).

Here are some quotes pulled from the comments:

"at least its not a glitch fest like Gears"

"And you know the complete game isnt glitchy how?"

"Why was it in black and white? Coudn't see any colors on screen."

"cry xboxfanboy cry.. KZ2 is just PERFECT!! game over to microsoft!! FACT!!!"

Why have things gotten this bad? It is completely embarrassing in so many ways and why the fuck (as someone pointed out in the comments) is the music in these videos always SO SHIT?

All I can say is: this   read

9:08 AM on 02.05.2009

Killzone 1 Review (PS2). Yes, You Do Care.

2004 feels like a long, long time ago. I failed to finish Killzone when I first picked it up for the PS2, getting slightly stuck midway through the game and (after about ten tries) kind of putting it on hold. Fast forward four years and I’ve (finally) revisited the game, playing it through my PS3 in order to be on top of what went on back then, before the sequel hits. I’m just that kind of guy. So, what did I make of it?

First of all, I’d like to point out that the game runs slightly worse through a PS3; the cutscene cinematics stutter over themselves, but are still easy to follow and some in-game things seem less polished. Or maybe I just have a selective memory.

To cut a long story short, you start off as Templar, a bad arse marine dude with fuzzy hair who is thrown into the conflict between the ISA and the Helghast. Conspiracies aplenty, the storyline is what you’d expect, while you never get the sense that a huge war is being waged around you. This is something of a let down. Things calm down and feel a lot more sparse after the first mission, which feels atmospheric and chaotic.

You encounter a few key battles as Templar before being joined by three others; Luger is a sharp shooting feline-figured woman wearing a balaclava and what looks like a Solid Eye device; Rico, a loud-mouthed knucklehead with a massive gun that he seems shy on using on anything with a pulse; and then, eventually, Hakha, a Helghan spy, working with the ISA.

From then on in you get to choose who you play with through each individual level, with each character having their own pros and cons. Billy Big Gun (that’s Rico to you) can blow the hell out of things but has no zoom; Templar and Hakha are two sides of the same coin, both well-balance; and Luger (who I used for most of the game – thanks for the tip Takeshi!) has a secondary fire on her custom weapon that sounds like a pea hitting a pillow and ends up being a one-shot kill much of the time. Plus, you have no limit on these, as long as the gun has main ammo.

As far as gameplay goes, Killzone is reasonably solid. Using different guns results in varied levels of recoil, with the standard ISA weapon suffering quite badly from it but packing quite a punch when on target and Luger’s silenced customised weapon having very little recoil but, as a down side, lots less ammo available. Secondary fire allows players to mix things up a little, with the Helghan machine gun doubling up as a shotgun while the ISA standard has a built-in grenade launcher.

Weapons vary but are grounded in some form of reality, ie. There are no plasma guns on show. You will often have to choose wisely about which guns to carry as you will only be allowed a maximum of three. This is particularly evident in one section, whereby you have a gun that pinpoints locations for air strikes (much like the binoculars in Warhawk) and the Helghast are rolling around in tanks. You must keep hold of this weapon but, with many others around on offer, do you accompany it with a shotgun, grenade launcher or Helghast assault rifle? It’s up to you but battles are won and lost on such decisions.

Friendly AI is pants. A friend of mine and I always pull a line from Shaun Of The Dead when attempting certain sections of Killzone: “Feel free to step in at ANY time!”. It’s like your buddies just pop the odd cap into the air for shits and giggles and are happy to watch exactly what you do, complimenting you on every kill you make. It can be frustrating, especially when paired up with the fact that enemy AI is pretty damn good. They hide from you just when you get them in your sights (even through a sniper scope) and are deadly accurate with their shooting.

Graphically the game looks quite dated, although cutscenes are pretty well made and the voice acting is spot-on - Brian Cox’s speech at the start (he plays Scolar Visari and is back for Killzone 2, yay!) is particularly immense – except for some in-game quotes that sound like they have been phoned-in. The general look of the Vekta is grey and dismal, which suits the theme of the game, although splash of colour is added when you hit the jungle and it gets a little sci-fi and spaceship-ish looking towards the end; a nice touch.

My main gripe about this game is the length. I must have been playing it for over 15 hours and, with levels getting slightly repetitive, it could have done with having five hours shaved off. The addition of a great multiplayer, on and offline/with or without bots (which are awesome), makes this even more plausible. But I would say, all in all, if you have the time before Killzone 2 hits, give it a go. Get acquainted with the Helghast before you are thrown in at the deep end at the end of February.

8/10, 'cause I said so.   read

4:41 AM on 02.04.2009

What Don't You F*ckin' Understand? Bale's Rant Remixed (NVGR)

Following XYU’s blog yesterday, regarding Christian Bale’s mammoth hissy fit on the set of the new Terminator film, I have come across (quite literally) this remix. RevoLucian is about to become a household name with what I believe to be one of the best tunes EVAAAAAR!


Can Batman come back after this? Are we really hunting him like at the end of the Dark Knight? I guess he made his bed and must lie in it. Oh, and for the people saying he was in character as he is actually Welsh or whatever…. Check out his interviews on Batman Begins’ extras, where he is speaking in an American accent - something he does to please his audience more I believe.

Personally, I don’t care what he is like as long as his films turn out OK. But I do hope he has learnt a few lessons from this and sorts his act out, for the sake of himself and the people trying to help him make movies.   read

8:22 AM on 01.29.2009

So, Killzone 2 MUST be good.

"I hope we're good"

There are so many people going on and on about how they think Sony needs Killzone 2 to be good to save their arse, to show the world just how mightily powerful the Playstation 3 is and to shut up all the naysayers and blah de blah, bollocks bums and cocks. Since 2005, both Sony and Guerilla Games have had this huge black cloud hanging over their heads. The kind of cloud that is formed due to so much gas being blown out of so many arses - just for fun, via one pre-rendered clip - that it backfires, giving the farters more problems than they ever dreamed of needing. The kind of cloud that is waiting for an ounce of pop-up or screen tear before dumping a whole host of internet-based “LULZ” all over the place, leaving Master Chief masturbating furiously over waves of open-mouthed, euphoric fanboys.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fanboy at all. I think the likes of which need to be blown into orbit so they can look down on the world and the surrounding universe and realise just how insignificant any of their ideals are. I don’t take any notice of them.

But I do agree that Killzone 2 needs to be good. The thing is, the reason that it needs to be good isn’t so that Sony can actually get some good press. Oh, No no no! it’s because if it isn’t as good as I think it should be, then I am likely to never ever look forward to a single game ever again. I'm too sure about this one guys and I'm never sure about anything like this. I want at least a small part of my innocence and faith intact when this game finally comes out.

I could go on but… this says it better. Written, of course, directly after E3 2005, it's an unopened letter, dated 27th February 2009.

[embed]119664:17265[/embed]   read

8:01 AM on 01.21.2009

Look Away Now: Playstation Courier F*** Up. My Story.

My PS3 broke down a couple of weeks ago. I was devastasted. The blu ray reader just gave up, right slap-bang in the middle of an online Resistance 2 battle. Why? WHY!? I felt a cold sweat engulfing me as I realised that I was a full two months over my warranty date and pondered what cost my empty wallet was about to face up to.

I called Sony and was pleasantly surprised. The guy told me they would send a courier round with a replacement, free of charge.

“60 gig?”
“Yes, sir”
“Backwards compatibility?”

Great news! Bad news was that I was going to have to wait two weeks for them to piece together something they don’t sell anymore. I didn’t mind at all. Being out of warranty, I couldn’t exactly complain and providing me with a 60GB console that you can’t get in shops anymore made me feel like Sony were bending over backwards to help me out.

I had a sit down with myself and decided to play Killzone 1 through (it still played DVDs). I never completed it when I first got it, but loved it all the same. Wanted to get in the mood and up-to-date with number 2, you know how it is. Trouble is, the damn thing decided to stop reading any disc at all after a day or two… Not good, but I had my PSP and all kinds of other stuff to be getting on with anyway.

Two Weeks Later… the day they said it would come (in a “pink box”, I may add).
Monday 19th January 2009 – a day I’ll never forget.

So, I take the day off work and spend the Sunday and Monday at my parent’s place – for some reason Sony didn’t recognise my postcode for my current address, so I decided to play it safe. Proper cushty at your folks’ place though, right? Cupboards are full and Sky+ at the ready. So, I settle down around midday and watch ‘This Is England’, bowl of peanuts and a glass of coke to keep me company. I start to get itchy around 1pm, the damn thing isn’t here yet. I phone them up and am reassured that it’s on the way. Ah, the joy.


That’s the doorbell. I jump up, still in my PJs, wearing a nice Beatles “Help” T-shirt. Symbolic? I don’t know. I answer the door and there she is. A MASSIVE pink crate, probably big enough to house ten PS3s.

Courier: “Playstation”
Me: “Oh, yep”
Courier: “Could you give me your one?”

I go back inside and pick up the carrier bag containing my console. As I walk back out he is kneeling down, pulling my console from the soft foam, moulded into a PS3 shape. I take my cold, dead console from the bag and hold it out to put it into the now empty foam slot. What happened next will stick with me forever.

The guy decides it would be a great idea to try and hold my new PS3 in his left hand and reach towards my one. WTF is he doing? I mean, really? He's acting like he's handing out dishes at Cafe Uno or something.


The thing falls from his hand (10inches or so up) and hits the cold, hard stone with a noise that not only wakes my brother up from his slumber (LOL) but sends (I’m quite sure) every bird within half a mile flapping away into the air, frantically.

I reel back, still holding my console.

Courier: “Oh, shit”

I think he is trying to pretend I never saw or heard it. He’s styling this one out. I tell him I’m checking it “because of the fall”. To my absolute dismay, there is a chip of plastic missing (tiny chip though) from the back top corner:

“Ah, mate there’s a chip in it”
“So, you want another”
“Well, what are my options?”
“I’ll lose my job”

I ‘ LL L O S E M Y J O B !?

My heart sinks. What can I do? I’m two months over warranty, the guy made a schoolboy error (these things are heavy champ) and I’ve been two weeks without a fix. So I let him go. I tell him if there are any problems with the thing in the next few weeks I’m replacing it straight away.

He’s lucky that within this imperfect black shiny box, I saw a part of myself. This thing spoke to me, said “give me a chance, I wanna be the one for you”. I’m not perfect, no one is…. So far, she is running like a dream. But that crash…. Eurgh, I shudder with constant flashbacks.

I know you will all say "you are CRAZY!" or "I'd have killed him", but weigh it up a moment, put yourself there on my doorstep… Two men, staring eye-to-eye: one worrying that his income is about to be cancelled, putting his family's security and future plans in jeopardy, the other with half a film to finish watching, a further two weeks wait to contemplate and a heart of gold.

But, why? Just WHY!?   read

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -