hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts


Clance's blog

7:33 AM on 10.24.2011

Arkham City: Riddler, please just f*** off

Having played about 3 hours of Arkham City, it is safe to say that I am loving the game. Everytime I smash a bunch goons to bits either hand-to-hand combat-style or via stealthy shadowplay, or swoop from building to building like some mighty demon, I get that warm fuzzy feeling that only certain games can give you inside. But there is something really bothering me. Not game-breaking, but… just… well, in the way, convoluting my new life as Batman.

Now, the side missions are cool and you can focus on solely the main story if you want, but I can’t help but feel that The Riddler is doing his best to spoil the experience for me by having his assortment of trophies everywhere. Marked out by often huge question marks, scrawled on buildings or flashing like messy neon distractions in the night, these things are doing my nut.

Perhaps it’s just me – never a massive fan of collectibles in campaigns - but this is often making for an experience that doesn’t feel quite as engaging as it probably should. And if flying around the streets greeted with them at every turn isn’t bad enough, every building you enter you will find walls that can be blown open to reveal trophies. These are incredibly disappointing as you are half hoping for them to lead to hidden passageways and secret routes, but they don’t. Instead they just distract you from what you are doing and give you a little Riddler trophy.

I don’t think the game does well at explaining anything either – whether it be gadget use or combat – and if I hadn’t played the first game, I’d be clueless as to puzzles and certain unreachable areas earlier on in the game (ie. Ones that need a zipline that I assume you will get later). This also extends to these Riddler things. I see big ugly buttons dotted on floors and walls, which open doors the reveal trophies. But I am crying out for a Companion Cube as when you leave a button, the doors shut. I’m sure later on in the game all will become apparent, but Rocksteady haven’t bothered letting people know any of this.

Everything else in the game is spot on, I’m just disappointed that they decided to squeeze as many of these Riddler trophies into Arkham City as humanly possible, making for an often messy, visually confusing game. This guy is the biggest thing on my mind too often while playing. I don't want that.

Riddle me this: is it just me who wants The Riddler to go away?   read

7:30 AM on 09.21.2011

Online passes: remember who made you, developers.

Over the past few days/weeks/months there has been a lot said on the issue of used games, trade-ins, online passes and whether or not these online passes are fair or worthwhile. Jim Sterling told gamers to "have some self-respect" and deny developers the satisfaction of making you pay to play online when you buy a used game by basically not doing so. Conrad Zimmerman claimed that for gamers who prefer to immerse themselves in a single player campaign, the prediction that used games will become cheaper as a result of online passes was good news.

The way I see it is that online passes are firstly cheapening online gaming by spelling out to gamers: “THERE IS AN ONLINE FEATURE THAT WE’VE TACT ON TO THIS GAME, BUT IT’S NOT ESSENTIAL TO ENJOY THE GAME.” There is also the wonderful feeling that as a used game buyer you are hated by the developer. You’re not in the club. Not only does page 8 of your booklet have some mashed potato stuck to it from the original owner’s toddler, there is also the fact that we don’t want to give you the entire game – the complete package we lovingly put together – because we hate your guts right now and your name’s not on the list because DON’T DESERVE IT YOU CHEAPSKATE FUCKO.

Developers are acting like some stuck up twat that hangs around with the popular kids and who will only talk to the geeky, bespectacled (less rich) classmate if he or she hands over their freshly made lunch every day. And even then, they won’t exactly respect them like a human being. You see, like Conrad Zimmerman, I am a fan of single-player games far more than I am of online multiplayer ones. Yet, I fear his feelings on the matter could well be wrong, simply because online passes will only become more and more prevalent, resulting in pretty much every game having an online function, just so the developer has the chance to make an extra bit of money from second hand sales. This will ultimately lead to less attention being paid to the single player campaigns I so blood-thirstily crave.

This has got me asking myself how much developers like EA have made from the selling of online passes. How many times has that copy of Dead Space 2 been traded in and re-sold and how many of these owners have bought the online pass? Four, five or maybe even six times… who knows? Therefore, there is a potential for EA to have made a great deal of cash from the sale of just one disc, but they’ll of course pass the measure off as trying to “protect” itself from the sordid world of trade-ins. Moreover, if you spent money on an online pass for Dead Space 2, you’ll probably feel ripped off now. It’s a good example of a great game with a multiplayer function stuck on for no good reason.

All my gaming life I have myself relied on trade-ins to maintain a healthy flow of video games in my life. Having realized a long time ago that I’d need food and drink to survive, I thought it best to not spend every penny I had on games. The amount of games I have played that I wouldn’t otherwise have touched is pretty hard to figure out. But it’s a lot. Jak & Daxter is an example of a series that I became engrossed with a long time ago after a chance encounter in the used game section. Since then I have gone back for more from – you guessed it – the BRAND-SPANKING-NEW-IN-THE-FUCKING-CLUB section. Where’s my medal?

Developers need to wake up and realise that they actually have these stores to thank for keeping them afloat all these years. So many titles aren’t worth full price it is unreal. But by giving more and more people the chance to play your game – people who often rightly wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole at full price or buy it knowing they didn’t have the chance to trade it in a week later – you are opening up doors you wouldn’t otherwise have. Trading games is also catalyst for gaming, giving gamers the impetus to play through a game so he or she can trade it for another rather than let it sit and collect dust like the pile of shit it probably is. If a new game I want is on the horizon, I find myself making time to complete a game I own so I can think about trading it for my next fix. It’s a cycle of love that seperates it from the used clothes, cars and movies of this world and is putting into the industry as much as it is taking out and has been doing so since the mid-90s as far as I can tell.

I for one would have given up gaming a long time ago had it not been trade-ins.


7:47 AM on 09.20.2011

Dtoid Exclusive: Playboy's Jo Garcia tribute to gaming???

I used to really love this site when it would look down its nose at the likes of Kotaku and IGN for using wanking - the single biggest weakness for any gamer - to pull in punters. It was great to be able to point people in the direction of a gaming website that had interesting things to look at and read that were not porn-related, unlike what most of its competitors were doing. We all spend 95% of our recreational internet time looking at porn as it is, and a gaming site should be what it is. Who cares if other sites get more hits from scraping the bottom-most barrel of N4G, promising sweaty, shivering wrecks a glimpse of some Japanese bird with half a tit out.

But now I'm clicking over here and seeing a video simply showing pole dancers at TGS or an "exclusive" video from a Playboy model holding a joystick like it's her cock, with Nero (I love you mate, but come on now eh) declaring:

On one hand we stubbornly have ignored our numbers and rarely strayed from core gaming news. On the other hand ... well, you don't want to know what the other hand is doing.

And just because the biggest ever click rate came (no pun intended, VOM) from the nerdcore gallery of boobs in 2006, don't believe that, once their cold sweat had dried, they'd mopped up, finished walking in on themselves and woke up to reality, these people ever returned.

It was also always great that the Dtoid community was full of some strong female writers and commenters often trying to find somewhere that they could belong, but really and truly this is a bit of a door slamming in their faces. Panic over: Dtoid is a boys club, afterall. Phew.

Just a little disappointed that's all. You're better than that, Dtoid. And I say that having spent many hours reading and blogging on here. You haven't even posted a review for fucking Resistance 3 yet, so let's just put the fucking kittens on hold indefinitely and focus on being a decent gaming website, minus the sexist bollocks, yeah.

Thank you and goodnight.   read

11:31 AM on 12.02.2010

Welcome back to me.

Hello everybody.

I've been silently creeping in the shadows of Dtoid for too long. And, no, I'm not new here... to those who are newer than me here, I was here when you were there. I was commanding this shit when you were commandeering attacks on N4G and wanking yourselves silly over at Kotaku. I've seen things some of you will only ever hear about.... what am I on about?

Anyway, hello, I love you all and I thought I'd just drop in and try to promote my new blog. It's quite tough getting off the ground when you are a new blog wesbite but I think if there is any community I can rely on with getting some hits, it's the lovely Destructoid. This is the site where I began my venture into video games blogging and it continues to inspire me to this very day.

I used to blog all the time and share with the community the silly things in my head. I'm now a chip off the old block, as it were.

For the record, I won't be copy/pasting my shit here for you all to be annoyed by but I will probably be dropping a fair few hints. I've paid my do's on Dtoid, so I'm not afraid to shamelessly plug my slowly decaying life for you all to see. <<< Have a click on that

Nah, you can't click this image. Who am I, Bill Gates? Not happening here. Click the link above like I said.

Basically, this is a blog I have started with my good pal Jack and we like to take a slightly sideways look at the world of gaming. You can't expect much sense to come from it but you may have fun while you're at it.

Big love to the community.

Add us on

Clance xxx   read

8:43 AM on 11.20.2009

More dead and/or terrified Yanks, please.

Having beaten Modern Warfare 2 last week I was left with mixed feeling about a number of things. We've heard countless takes on the airport scene up to now and, quite frankly, I'm sick to the teeth about it. I am, however, rather intrigued as to the context that the stage - and others featuring innocent people - have been placed within the world of Modern Warfare 2.

After traversing through the streets of Brasil, hot on the heels of a geezer in Adidas tracksuit bottoms and half a spliff hanging out of his mouth, I was astounded as to the level of innocent civilians around in the game. "This is next-gen" I thought to myself as I crunched down a green, blue and yellow peanut M&M and thought about maybe leaving my room for a piss at some point.

Then I landed on American soil. Finger on the trigger, I passed through a suburban town with white picket fences, nice cars, swimming pools, dog houses, the lot...

Well, maybe not "the lot". Something wasn't sitting right with me, I wasn't feeling compelled to enjoy the mission or care about what I was doing at all. But why? I'll tell you why: because there wasn't a law-abiding American citizen in site, that's why. Dead or alive, there wasn't a single person other than those carrying guns. I can only assume we are supposed to believe that these people were evacuated and that the Russian soldiers were standing around porches and bathrooms wondering whether this was some kind of huge practical joke - a disused Hollywood movie set, probably last used by Tom Hanks in The 'Burbs.

Where was the sugar-sweet American blood that would be shed in order to avenge their brothers and sisters from the Moscow airport?

Did I miss something? Were all these people evacuated while the parachutes and bombs rained down? If so, I apologise. The US Army did a stellar job with that. But I doubt that was the case. I would have appreciated the site of people running for cover around these streets, scrambling out of their houses or lying dead in their doorways.

This wouldn't make me happy in a morally ambiguous way; far from it, in fact. I just feel that within the context of war brought on by an act of terrorism, it would have been far more enthralling, powerful and... well, correct to show that these atrocities can have repercussions that may be a little hard to swallow for the more patriotic among us.

Did Infinity Ward duck out of any plans to feature American civilians in order to avoid the risk of upsetting a post-9/11 public that would most likely jump down their throats? Were they told to leave them out by the powers that be? Or are they just a bunch of jocks who love USA (USA, USA) a little too much?

What do you guys think?   read

7:07 AM on 09.18.2009

How the BBC blatantly hates Sony. Also, they love Microsoft.

Gather round, ladies and gentlemen. Pull up a chair and line your puckered arses on a pew, as we go on a journey into the minds of those behind the most powerful force in global television and how these minds are out to bring down the PS3.

Let's rewind back to last night, shall we? BBC One broadcasted their show Watchdog, in which the presenter - a bloke with a soft Scottish accent and a rather self-righteous attitude, tonight represented by Anne Robinson - sits on the edges of desks in a dimly lit (health and safety anyone?) studio made to look like an "office" or "television epicenter" and talks shit about some sweeaty builder with a mortgage to pay. Phones will be ringing off the hook in the background and Joe Bloggs office worker will pretend to talk to some poor old pensioner in Potters Bar with broken central heating and a stiff cat flap... of course, you can't hear them at all. If you did, you'd realise they were actually calling their mums to ask if they still had visible hat hair on telly. I digress.

Last night's show featured an assasssination attempt against the PlayStation 3, claiming the infamous 'Yellow Ring Of Death' was getting out of hand. Below are the facts from the show, why they are out of line, a few of my own assumptions (also known as the truth) and some interesting things that have happened on Today. All of which proves that the BBC are in bed with Microsoft.

The Show:

- Claimed that PS3 costs £400 – that hasn’t been true for nearly two years

- stated that 12,500 UK machines had suffered the ‘Yellow Light Of Death’, a conclusion drawn from Sony’s claim that 0.5% UK’s 2.5m PS3 had suffered issues - show neglected to mention that not all reported problems are related to the YLOD (I for one had a different problem). Also, 0.5%??? I pay my TV license, go to the supermarket, cook my square meal, sit down and turn on Watchdog to be shocked by THAT?

- Sony was accused of offering only a standard one-year warranty – every other consumer tech firm in the country does this.

- some claimed they had suffered console failures had lost the data stored on the machine - back up your shit

- Something about trapped gas. Probably from a crackpipe in Sony HQ.

The Aftermath

Click on this (if you do it soon, hopefully things will be as I saw it). Scroll down and on the right will be a write-up on the Watchdog thing. However, curiously, a few PC screen inches above this, in the "Also In The News" section, is a story entitled "Farewell Master Chief: New Halo 3 game stars 'ordinary' characters".

Isn't it slightly (read: massively) odd that on the main page of BBC News is a headline that links to a promo video of ODST?

Add to this the Watchdog article, which goes on and on about the YLOD but makes absolutely no mention of the rather massive Xbox 360 problem, 'Red Ring Of Death' - from which the name of Sony's new problem is derived. There is also ZERO mention of the recently released and highly promoted £250 PS3 Slim in the article. Perhaps a quote that the new model would hope to irradicate issues would have been useful to mention.

I'll leave you with this thought: BBC iPlayer has been installed on the XMB to increase the likelihood of the YLOD happening.

Conclusion? BBC love Microsoft, or have been bought and sold by Bill Gates.

Goodnight.   read

7:45 AM on 08.12.2009

Clance's Review: Fat Princess

Well, fuck me! It's been wayyyy too long, Dtoid...

I've been very busy of late with writing for Gamer Limit and trying to make my band blow people's ear drums, but I've been here, lingering in the shadows and watching you all like an eagle in a long dark coat and big hat.

For those who don't know me: hello there! For those who do: Well, HELLLLLO!

So, here's a review I wrote for Fat Princess. It's a bit long, but give it time to settle into your mind like a good bottle of 1996 red. If you like it or hate it, leave me a comment :)

If you’ve ever dreamed of being a knight in shining amour, traversing dangerous lands and taking on huge, menacing armies in order to reach a damsel in distress trapped at the top of a dark tower, you probably didn’t imagine it like this.

Fat Princess takes the classic fairytale blueprint that countless stories are based around and throws in giant, cursed cake growing out of the ground, potions that turn characters into chickens, lots and lots of blood and… well, overweight princesses.

The premise of the title is born from classic team-based gaming – of which capture the flag and team deathmatch are prime examples – although the finished product is dressed up in an entirely cute way that blends the look of most Cartoon Network shows over the past ten years with the cel-shading technique of Prince Of Persia.

The stumpy character designs and colorful environments are terrifically well rendered, standing out as soon as you load the game up. An overdose of color and character certainly adds a humorous edge to proceedings, while somehow triggering memories of first loading up the likes of Mario 64 and Banjo-Kazooie; perhaps the trick lies in the way environments seem welcoming and attractive at first glance, branding an image on the brain that demands you return again and again to its realms, in which you can get easily become lost for hours (in a good way).

It is also worth pointing out that there is enough gore to attract even the most stubborn Killzone 2 fan among us; there’s nothing like seeing cartoon flesh and bones rolling around the floor after a suitably comic explosion or using a carefully aimed arrow to pick off a foe desperately scrambling along with a giant piece of cake in his or her arms.

She's had enough

While the meat of the game lies in its multiplayer option, it is very much worth the players while to play through the story mode before jumping online. And if, like me, you prefer going in prepared, have a flick through the tutorial booklet too. This manual uses simple instructions and pencil-drawn illustrations to teach you the basics before jumping in to battle.

Consisting of seven chapters, the single-player campaign tells the ridiculously charming story of two princesses who, while out having fun together in the Black Forest, stumble upon some giant cake. Unable to resist the delightful appearance of the dessert, the girls tuck in to its delicious sponge and icing. This is when things get eerie; the cake turns them instantly obese, while their respective families believe them to have fallen victim to some kind of Black Forest curse.

What follows is a selection of levels that introduce the player to the different gaming modes – Rescue the Princess, Snatch ‘n’ Go, Team Deathmatch and Invasion – while loosely relating each battle to the tale being told between missions. A voice not unlike Stephen Fry’s graciously speaks of desperate kidnappings and the impending arrival of a prince, although you never really feel like you are taking part in the story – more moving through each chapter to learn what happens next in the tale.

At the games heart lies a great sense of humor, with players asked to feed more and more cake to their corresponding princesses to make them larger, heavier and therefore more difficult to be carried away by the enemy. Naturally, the cake is scattered throughout the maps, which are usually full of the kind of chaotic action that can please and frustrate in equal measure. But it’s difficult to get mad at this game at all; though not impossible.

While the modes that Titan Studios has made available in Fat Princessare highly enjoyable to play, they are certainly lacking on the inventive side. Although it is harsh to criticise a game for using a template that other games of its ilk and even countless first-person shooters have previously utilised to great effect, one can’t help but feel that they played it a little safe. Perhaps they should have pushed further for the kind of outlandish gameplay that the look and feel of the title calls for, rather than leaving us with modes that need no explanation.

What the game does do brilliantly, however, is take these modes and add a selection of well-balanced classes to proceedings, each bringing their own skills and benefits to teams that can reach up to sixteen players – there are two teams in each round. These classes can be swapped throughout the game by pressing circle at one of the various generators at your team’s base. Characters will then don a hat that relates to the class and become specifically tuned with appropriate skills.

For example, the Mage wears a large pointy hat and can control fire and, when the class has been upgraded, ice. To upgrade these classes, Workers are expected to collect resources by chopping down trees (which grow back after a minute or two) or cutting into rock for diamonds using their axe. They then carry the goods to what they want to improve, usually needing a handful of trips to succeed. This class is for those who prefer to work toward the greater good during a game; the tasks that need doing that may not be as glamorous as choping heads off. Mind you, those axes can pack quite a punch if you get close enough.

Rangers wear a Robin Hood-esque cap and feather and carry a bow and arrow. Long-range attacks are slightly weaker than those from the viking helmet-clad warriors – who can destroy enemies in one fell swoop from close range using their sword – but the use of L1 to lock on makes Rangers far more accessible. When upgraded, these soldiers become marksmen with old-fashioned rifles, which cause enough damage to require others to choose the Priest class in order to help allies stay alive.

You will die a great deal during a game of Fat Princess, of this there is no doubt. However, the Priest – Titan’s version of a medic – can help improve the situation ten-fold by zapping life (represented by classic hearts) back into teammates. They also, like all other classes, have a special ability that can be triggered when holding down the square button. Priests can cause a blast of energy that effects those players within a certain radius. The use of the word “effects” is important here as an upgraded Priest – who looks like an evil Pope – can suck the life from opposing forces. A quick tap of triangle enables this wonderful ability switch to happen, as is the case with all other classes.

An emphasis on the use of teamwork to reach goals means that this game is best enjoyed when you play with people who care enough to go out of their way to win. Attempting to go it alone will almost always result in death, as facing more than one enemy at a time is a very difficult situation to overcome.

You’ll find that by moving in groups – you can call others by pressing “up” on the D-pad – you’ll capture strongholds much easier, as more people standing near them switches the color from red to blue or vice versa far more rapidly. These small structures scattered through levels can be used to charge up energy and are the basis for Invasion mode, which requires teams to attempt to dominate maps to drain enemy morale to zero and win. Also, by varying the classes within each group you may just find the best balance to break through the castle gates and actually have a chance of bringing home the princess, which can take a while. It basically makes for a more enjoyable experience.

At the time of writing, news has surfaced that a patch is currently being worked on to cure some of the problems players have had with connecting to games. This would obviously come as a relief as the issue has effected many people although, personally, I didn’t suffer quite as badly as others apparently have.

One thing that was noticeably wrong during play was some of the behavior of the bots. More often than not, during a game there will be one or two characters standing still for the duration of the match. At other times they will wander into molten lava and certain death, or merely gather in groups of two or three and stay still as though tied up. Again, these are problems that are sure to be patched as time goes by, it’s just a shame they have marred what has been an otherwise a stellar introduction to the game’s lifespan.

The different maps on offer are a credit to Titan’s attention to detail. Symmetry is the key for these arenas, with no one team benefiting from a different route to their goal or an awkward patch of water in an awkward place.

The look and feel changes from game to game, from shipwrecks on sandy beaches to cavenous canyons with narrow rope bridges. One of the standout sections is a Super Mario Bros.-style pipe that appears and dissappears according to the ebb and flow of the lava. Waiting for your moment to jump and be carried to a different section of the map is comically frustrating and somehow tense – you’re usually dropped into a mass of swords, arrows, fire and death.

fuckin' 'ell

Fat Princess boasts a soundtrack that isn’t much to write home about – traditional music of an era that resembles baroque plays on repeat, which is quirky and fun but not particularly memorable – until, that is, you run the credits and are treated to something that I’m not actually going to spoil for anybody who hasn’t played the game yet. Let’s just say, you’ll either love or hate it, but should love it.

Meanwhile, the voice work, as mentioned, resembles that as heard in LittleBigPlanet – except this is not Mr. Fry – and is particularly effective during battle when the polite rumblings of an English gentlemen warn of castle gates being breached, princesses being stolen and classes being upgraded. There is little variation, but it does a great job of keeping players informed and entertained.

If you’re looking for a team-based game that steps out from the first-person view, away from shadowy greys and browns and into a world of color and hilarious, sugar-coated gore, you should look no further than Fat Princess. Provided you are working within a strong team or, if all else fails, enjoy playing against thirty-one slightly deranged bots, you’ll be sure to laugh and revel in a well-executed kill like never before. It’s one of the best games to reach PSN – well worth its £11.99 price-tag – just don’t expect to be shown too much new, aside from team deathmatch in a glorious pink frock covered in crumbs.

8.5, 'cause I said so.   read

12:01 PM on 04.09.2009

Clance Internet Update, FNF return. Also, BBC announce Heavy Rain tomorrow and I'm Twitting

Welllll hellllllllllllo everybody! I've just added the man the myth Samit Sarkar on Twitter... I have no idea what baseball is but I'm already a HUGE Yankees fan. I've just joined, so if you fancy "following" me like a filthy stalker does a ripened arse, please go here and do so.

In other news BBC have announced that heavy Rain will be available in certain areas of London tomorrow. I know! Very exciting stuff right there, I can't wait!!!

Just in case anybody and everybody was wondering where the HELL I've been lately... well, truth be told, I've been spending lots and lots of time writing for Of course, I've been spending ridiculous amounts of time browsing the green, black and red goodness that is Dtoid, but my blogging has had to slow down because my best material has had to go into this exciting new site. If you haven't seen us before, by all means come and check it out. If not, more power to you, I honestly find it very difficult to drag myself away from here myself.

So, YES!
I finally have internet connectionz at my houses so will be playing with the gang on FNF tomorrow night. I hope it's Killzone 2, I'm rusty but I'll still blow the shit out of some poor bastard who is busy trying to reload his shotgun. Serves you right and you KNOW it does.

How is everybody!?

Also, Iraq? Are you sure Konami?

Happy Easter   read

8:38 AM on 03.20.2009

I moved house, but I'm out in the cold!

Good day to you my brothers and sisters of Destructoid. First off, a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the greatest community site on the internetz. That's right, Facebook just turned.... joking joking. I don't even have Facebook, probably the only person in the world, so I've decided that I will start telling everyone that I was the first guy kicked off the site and am now bezzie mates with Tom "look at me in my white t-shirt, I'm so fucking Weezer" Myspace.

I digress, oui oui. So, yes, I have just moved uptown. I was living in the right end of Tottenham, which is still very very very wrong in many many many ways. I am now residing in Kentish Town... That's in North London to all you ignoranuses out there, I love you all without question. It's a nice little place, in a carpeted (ooooh) apartment building that makes me feel like Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta are about to bust around the corner eating Big Macs.

* near my road, maybe 5 minutes walk. I past this in a van the other day. Jealous? Yes.

So, why that title about being "out in the cold"? I hear you ask the way little Oliver begged his master for sloppy seconds. I tell you why, chap: I haven't been able to play much of my PlayStation 3 (most powerful console on the market) over the past week. you know what, I played a couple of matches of Fifa 09, offline manager mode, you know how we do... But even that felt a little off as I have no internet connection at the mo.

Basically, I'm in ALPHA "we are the shiz" TEAM on KILLZONE 2, the most amazing looking game to NEVER hit a 360 this side of the world ending, but I haven't been able to join a match since last Friday. That's a whole week and I'm only on two fucking stripes so far. I ain't even got a star and mother Fs are all gonna be running around with sniper rifles picking off my arse like it was a can of Dr. Pepper on a corner shop shelf. Don't even start, that's not racist, even though I'll probably be done for using black lettering and talking about Samuel L. Jackson.

Help me help you. Once I get back in to the swing of things, I'll be running maps like it's everyone's birthday, but, right now, I'm gonna be sitting there... not now, I'm at work. Tonight! I'm gonna be sitting there tonight staring at Warhawk thinking: "What teh fuck is going on? I'm craving you so badly, for the first time in six months, and I can't even play you." Damn this cruel place, but I shall return, so don't forget me yet.

Everyone well?

Ps. Yesterday was my four-year anniversary with the misses. She's been very good to me! I love her!   read

12:21 PM on 03.02.2009

Friday Night Fighters: Killzone 2. A thank you.

I told the misses I wouldn't be seeing her that night

Firstly, I just want to say how much fun I am having with Killzone 2, both on and offline. Anybody who has problems with the controls and stuff (I'm looking at you Kojima, you sick bastard), I am sorry you are not having as much fun as me with it.

So, Friday night. Well, I was planning on having a dip into the online MP but figured I'd play through the campaign first and then get on to that. Eight hours later and that plan had gone well-and-truly out of the window. There I was, 5am and with a pounding headache, trying to take potshots at JackOfNoTrades from about 200 yards and lob grenades into Shipero's path. As time went on I failed more and more, but boy oh boy was it fun.

In my humble experience, Destructoid seems to attract some very cool people (much like me!) through its hallowed green gates. The private room that I was allowed entry to (cheers, Johan!) became like a second home to me in that short (but quite long, in terms of hours in the day) period of time.

With each passing game I felt as if I was getting to know Dtoid community members a little more, even if through a communication method known only as "shooting bullets into people's backs". Oh yeah, and me (at one proud point at around 2.30am) yelling "BOOM! Heeeead shot!"... I've been waiting for that moment for too long. I'm not sure who the victim was but Brainderailment was involved somewhere along the line and someone actually laughed. Yay!


At certain points I almost felt like a horrible bastard calling Takeshi a "crazy Dutch sharpshootin' son of a bitch". Almost. Because the guy knows that I think he's a gem of a man who seems to bend over backwards to get things moving along for this here community. That clan is a mean mofo BTW, dude! I'm proud to be a part of it!

So, yeah, I had some great times on Friday and I hope to have plenty more in the future. That game is just SO immersive and really does a good job of putting a smile on your face while making you feel like a mad killer at the same time. What else could I need???

Cheers dudes!

If you were there, please shed some light on your experience of it below... But, any mention of me being not very good will see me become a different kind of animal next time!   read

11:34 AM on 02.24.2009

My greatest goal is probably the greatest goal you've ever seen, CONFIRMED.

One of the things I love about EA is the way you can upload your goals on FIFA 09 as soon as you've put them into the back of the net. I haven't bothered to do this before. Yeah, I score cracking goals all the time but I always think I can do a little bit better.

Last night, around the midnight hour or later, I was having a battle with my flatmate. France Vs. Spain. The score was 0-0 and he was having some joy down my end of the field. Something had to give, so I broke away quickly, releasing four passes that ended with Fernando Torres on the far right and then... Well, what happened next caused me to yell loud enough to wake up even the heaviest sleeping neighbour.

Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is what happen when you mess with Clance...


Please note, the clip only contains the last part, which is a shame. But it was the best part.

One other thing. I'm doing writing for and have knocked up an article about how FIFA stole my heart away from PES. If it sounds like your bag, check it out here

Much love to y'all...   read

4:36 PM on 02.19.2009

Oi Oi!? Why... The... F***.... Didn't Anybody Tell Me About This Game?

OK, howdy, how are we all??? So the major news coming from the world of Playstation 3 and, more specifically, the PSN Store this week has been the release of Flower. But, to my utter dismay, the real BIG news of the week (at least here in Europe anyway) has been completely overlooked... It is, quite possibly, the greatest game OF ALL TIME!!!

WHAT a name for a game

That's right, my friends... Gather round and let me tell you this:

I downloaded the demo for this game (it's only just been released here, been out in the US of effin' A for a good two or three months) just because I was kind of bored. I had no idea what it was all about.

It's like football but you kick around the ball in rocket-powered cars!!!


I can't tell you how big and fun just that demo is. I've had hours of laughs and competitiveness with my flatmate on it over the last few days. Boy oh boy, some last ditch tackles made when you boost past your opponent and jump and do all kinds of craziness... Some great goals! Anger! Pain! Total joy!

I haven't bought it yet but I know that once I am drunk tomorow night, I'm gonna be all over it like peanut butter and jam. I mean, I love Flower but this? It should be illegal for being too much fun.   read

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -